I must make a decision soon and I can not find peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
I must make a decision soon and I can not find peace
Im between a rock and a hard place. My husband started using K2 and similar substances, my guess is two years ago but I really only became aware a year or a little more ago. I think he also has some alcohol issues but does not use regularly. In addition he has been going to the doc trying to find the right mix of anti depressants and ADHD meds.
I would alternately argue with him about and ignore the K2/spice addiction. He claimed he used it due to stress, past things in our lives and his childhood, pain in his feet/back...etc. when I would confront him he would get angry, defensive, tell me I wasn't a good wife/mother, point out that he has always worked and supported the family, tell me I have a food addiction because I am overweight, that I am a miserable nag who has his life caught in this prison known as marriage.
I thought it was all my fault and that he was so pressured with myself and the kids that we should make a better life. We live in an expensive area with an expensive house. We put the house on the market Nd I started preparing to take a job transfer to another state. He started looking for a job there too. He found a job he wanted but in another city necessitating me leaving my company and having to find another job. He left for this city which is 18 hours away and started working and looking for a new home. He lost the job after 3 weeks but refused to now look for work in the city I could keep my employment in. Now he is out of work and searching and I am paying for him to live in another city unemployed that we have no ties to.
Then I get the phone call from his sibling and their partner. They kicked him out because he is smoking K2 all the time and is lazy, sleeping all the time, rude..etc. on top of that my sibling who lives 4 hours away is now calling me to tell me that my husband is smoking all the time, and nobody can stand to be around him and he talks bad about me. Now I am scared and crying. My husband in the meantime gets a job that is supposed to start on a tue but tue comes and goes and I never really get an answer on what happened to this job, someome on vacation and more vaugeness. So I'm sitting here with a little more than a month left in the house, working overtime to cover expenses I can't hope to cover on my salary alone and trying to figure out if I should leave him. My dad offers to help and I stress a lot of loved ones with my drama. I call my husband and calmly tell him it is over. I get a barrage of stuff from he loves me to personal attacks to pleading to anger to whining how I told people and claiming everyone is lying and kicking him when he is down. I said I am not obligated to live in shame and secrecy over your addiction and nobody has motive or could even have corroborated stories. He swore he threw it all out and had a new job (which did start yesterday). I was resolute, but he called me the next day and begged, I almost caved but didn't. Called me the next day after and said he was coming home and I threatened to get an order of protection but ended up sitting in the lobby of the courthouse crying on the phone. Then he sent me pics of the nice house he had rented, told me he is so sorry he hurt me, that he is so scared to lose his family, that everything will be alright if I just come out there next month. He says he threw all the stuff out, he went and made ammends with his sister and her family, and they claim his recovery is all real. So I agree to go out there even though he has not attended an NA meeting and still sometimes gets mad when I call K2 a drug as he states he purchased it legally.
I feel pressured and down to the wire with this decision so I vacillate in uncertainty. When I talk to him I swear we are coming out and I am constantly annoying him because I am pushing for certainty and then pushing to see if he will snap or something because I can not see him. Thinking about leaving my job and going there feels so uncertain. He says he wants to do marriage counseling and go back to church...etc. and tells me I can not support myself and the kids without him, which is patently untrue, I make a good solid income. Sure it won't get the fancy huge house we had and now have in the new state, but I can feed, clothe and shelter us just fine on it.
I have anxiety all the time that wakes me on the middle of the night. I feel like I am traveling toward a brick wall, where I quit my job and go out there. What if he relapses or is just saying what I want to hear or loses this job. It feels too soon to know if he is going to stick. I'm not used to him being irresponsible and he brings that up all the time. I have no breathing room though. We have to be out of the house in 5 weeks and I will have to quit my job or find a rental here. I have no peace, no happiness. Only stress and anxiety as I pack and look to giving up everything that is safe to go to a man who was my safety for nearly 2 decades and now does not feel safe. I have no friends, family except his or income out there. Part of me feels that once he gets what he wants he will go back to doing what he wants because I don't think he has really faced the fact that he has an addictive personality.
I would alternately argue with him about and ignore the K2/spice addiction. He claimed he used it due to stress, past things in our lives and his childhood, pain in his feet/back...etc. when I would confront him he would get angry, defensive, tell me I wasn't a good wife/mother, point out that he has always worked and supported the family, tell me I have a food addiction because I am overweight, that I am a miserable nag who has his life caught in this prison known as marriage.
I thought it was all my fault and that he was so pressured with myself and the kids that we should make a better life. We live in an expensive area with an expensive house. We put the house on the market Nd I started preparing to take a job transfer to another state. He started looking for a job there too. He found a job he wanted but in another city necessitating me leaving my company and having to find another job. He left for this city which is 18 hours away and started working and looking for a new home. He lost the job after 3 weeks but refused to now look for work in the city I could keep my employment in. Now he is out of work and searching and I am paying for him to live in another city unemployed that we have no ties to.
Then I get the phone call from his sibling and their partner. They kicked him out because he is smoking K2 all the time and is lazy, sleeping all the time, rude..etc. on top of that my sibling who lives 4 hours away is now calling me to tell me that my husband is smoking all the time, and nobody can stand to be around him and he talks bad about me. Now I am scared and crying. My husband in the meantime gets a job that is supposed to start on a tue but tue comes and goes and I never really get an answer on what happened to this job, someome on vacation and more vaugeness. So I'm sitting here with a little more than a month left in the house, working overtime to cover expenses I can't hope to cover on my salary alone and trying to figure out if I should leave him. My dad offers to help and I stress a lot of loved ones with my drama. I call my husband and calmly tell him it is over. I get a barrage of stuff from he loves me to personal attacks to pleading to anger to whining how I told people and claiming everyone is lying and kicking him when he is down. I said I am not obligated to live in shame and secrecy over your addiction and nobody has motive or could even have corroborated stories. He swore he threw it all out and had a new job (which did start yesterday). I was resolute, but he called me the next day and begged, I almost caved but didn't. Called me the next day after and said he was coming home and I threatened to get an order of protection but ended up sitting in the lobby of the courthouse crying on the phone. Then he sent me pics of the nice house he had rented, told me he is so sorry he hurt me, that he is so scared to lose his family, that everything will be alright if I just come out there next month. He says he threw all the stuff out, he went and made ammends with his sister and her family, and they claim his recovery is all real. So I agree to go out there even though he has not attended an NA meeting and still sometimes gets mad when I call K2 a drug as he states he purchased it legally.
I feel pressured and down to the wire with this decision so I vacillate in uncertainty. When I talk to him I swear we are coming out and I am constantly annoying him because I am pushing for certainty and then pushing to see if he will snap or something because I can not see him. Thinking about leaving my job and going there feels so uncertain. He says he wants to do marriage counseling and go back to church...etc. and tells me I can not support myself and the kids without him, which is patently untrue, I make a good solid income. Sure it won't get the fancy huge house we had and now have in the new state, but I can feed, clothe and shelter us just fine on it.
I have anxiety all the time that wakes me on the middle of the night. I feel like I am traveling toward a brick wall, where I quit my job and go out there. What if he relapses or is just saying what I want to hear or loses this job. It feels too soon to know if he is going to stick. I'm not used to him being irresponsible and he brings that up all the time. I have no breathing room though. We have to be out of the house in 5 weeks and I will have to quit my job or find a rental here. I have no peace, no happiness. Only stress and anxiety as I pack and look to giving up everything that is safe to go to a man who was my safety for nearly 2 decades and now does not feel safe. I have no friends, family except his or income out there. Part of me feels that once he gets what he wants he will go back to doing what he wants because I don't think he has really faced the fact that he has an addictive personality.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by FindingErica 
...and tells me I can not support myself and the kids without him, which is patently untrue, I make a good solid income. Sure it won't get the fancy huge house we had and now have in the new state, but I can feed, clothe and shelter us just fine on it.
He sounds like all talk. Action is the only thing that matters.
It makes no sense to me to follow him into increased uncertainty, especially when children are involved.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
"We have to be out of the house in 5 weeks and I will have to quit my job or find a rental here. I have no peace, no happiness. Only stress and anxiety as I pack and look to giving up everything that is safe to go to a man who was my safety for nearly 2 decades and now does not feel safe. I have no friends, family except his or income out there. Part of me feels that once he gets what he wants he will go back to doing what he wants because I don't think he has really faced the fact that he has an addictive personality."
A 6 month rental agreement would ease a lot of your stress and give your addict plenty of time to finish self-destructing or demonstrate some stability.
"tell me I wasn't a good wife/mother, point out that he has always worked and supported the family, tell me I have a food addiction because I am overweight, that I am a miserable nag who has his life caught in this prison known as marriage."
Sounds like a real winner you got yourself there.
No matter what, you should insist on being treated with respect.
A 6 month rental agreement would ease a lot of your stress and give your addict plenty of time to finish self-destructing or demonstrate some stability.
"tell me I wasn't a good wife/mother, point out that he has always worked and supported the family, tell me I have a food addiction because I am overweight, that I am a miserable nag who has his life caught in this prison known as marriage."
Sounds like a real winner you got yourself there.
No matter what, you should insist on being treated with respect.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
When I talk to him I feel like he is sincere, but when I vacillate I can hear the anger creeping into his voice. He is making all these promises that sound excellent and I want to believe him but something is telling me to wait. He is still making references to how I need to "have his back" and people who are kicking him when he is down. He has centered all his anger and blame on my brother now.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
I don't mean to sound harsh, but no child should be forced to live in a house with active addiction. It doesn't matter if the substance is legal or not. Active addiction and children do not mix. Please, protect your children. You can decide later whether or not to move on with the marriage, but please, get your children away from the addict.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
They all sound sincere. But sincerity means accountability and action, not blame, not anger, not belittling your spouse.
My husband looked me straight in the eyes, told me how much he loved me and how I needed to trust his him, etc, he swore up and down that he was clean...... he wasn't.
He is currently clean for only 20 (21?, not mine to keep track of) days, he is really working the NA program, yet there are still no guarantees for a life long recovery. Seeing the changes now, I can't believe I was dumb enough to once just believe his words.......especailly after he lied so many times to me.
The decision to get help and change had to come from him. I tried kicking him out, threats of a divorce, etc and nothing helped. It wasn't until I started to sincerely change, seeing a therapist, going to alanon and getting stronger and more healthy did he finally know I was serious. It was the first time I knew I was serious too. Even his first few weeks in NA was just more manipulation on his part. He got sloppy, I got wiser and he got scared.....we were all jumping ship and he knew it.
I am so sorry for you pain and I pray you get healthier before you make any further decisions.
P.S. K2 is some very dangerous stuff. It is sold legally but as "not for human consumption." Also, what I have learned, it's not the DOC, its the person!!
My husband looked me straight in the eyes, told me how much he loved me and how I needed to trust his him, etc, he swore up and down that he was clean...... he wasn't.
He is currently clean for only 20 (21?, not mine to keep track of) days, he is really working the NA program, yet there are still no guarantees for a life long recovery. Seeing the changes now, I can't believe I was dumb enough to once just believe his words.......especailly after he lied so many times to me.
The decision to get help and change had to come from him. I tried kicking him out, threats of a divorce, etc and nothing helped. It wasn't until I started to sincerely change, seeing a therapist, going to alanon and getting stronger and more healthy did he finally know I was serious. It was the first time I knew I was serious too. Even his first few weeks in NA was just more manipulation on his part. He got sloppy, I got wiser and he got scared.....we were all jumping ship and he knew it.
I am so sorry for you pain and I pray you get healthier before you make any further decisions.
P.S. K2 is some very dangerous stuff. It is sold legally but as "not for human consumption." Also, what I have learned, it's not the DOC, its the person!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
If you have a job where you are right now, and you have dependent children, and your spouse is abusing something (including you, from how you've described some things), stay where you are. The suggestion about a six-month rental was excellent.
If you have a support network, lean on it. If you don't, reach out for help, just the way you're doing here on SR. Find an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting in your area (there are online meetings available for people without local meeting availability). Circle the wagons, as they say, around you and your children. Angry, accusatory men with vague explanations for their lack of employment are dangerous people. Protect yourself and your children.
Praying you find the help and support and strength you need.
If you have a support network, lean on it. If you don't, reach out for help, just the way you're doing here on SR. Find an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting in your area (there are online meetings available for people without local meeting availability). Circle the wagons, as they say, around you and your children. Angry, accusatory men with vague explanations for their lack of employment are dangerous people. Protect yourself and your children.
Praying you find the help and support and strength you need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Thank you all for the wonderful responses.
I've spent a lot of time reading these forums over the past few days. I can't believe how much I am learning about myself and how similar so many stories are to mine. I didn't even realize that I have been a codependent to his addictions over the years, nor did I spend much time really exploring that he was an addict. I don't even think I have fully understood to what extent I have been emotionally and verbally abused, but I am starting to see it more. There have been so many people who have been run out of our lives, I always thought these people were drifting away because of me, that I was unlikeable. But now that I have been reaching out for support and my husband is away, I am finding out that people were put off by my husbands behavior, how he talks to people, how he speaks to me...etc. this cycle of making friends, them all falling away, and then moving on has gone on throughout the near two decades of our marriage. Yet, if a friend is not mutual to us, I keep my friends over the years. He hasn't always done substances, though he was the reformed bad boy former drug abuser now committed Christian when we met. Looking back I think he was addicted to highly demanding religion. Then there were the porn issues. And some alcohol on and off but never a bad enough problem to notice. And the year and a half he played video games nearly every waking moment he wasn't at work, yelling at the kids to shut up that they are ruining his game when they wanted to spend time with him. Yet, he also can be the fun guy, the loving guy, and until recently. The responsible worker who supports his family (a fact he throws in my face frequently).
Anyway, I have put on my big girl panties. I found a nice house that feels just perfect to me and guess what I had no problem getting approved to rent it. We move beginning of next month. I am consulting with a lawyer next week to decide my next step and when to tell AH. Right now he is texting me a bunch of I love you sweetie and can't wait until we are together again which makes me feel guilt and doubt, but I am trying to see through that and remind myself that I know this person and things will change rapidly if I give him what he wants, I know he is very angry at me because I refuse to conceal his addiction from my family and he will not be able to go on lovey covey forever with that anger below the surface. He keeps saying that nobody matters but our immediate unit- him, me and kids. But I think other people are important to have in our lives too and I am tired of seeing friends and family drift away. So like Dorothy stepping onto the yellow brick road, I am stepping onto the recovery road and I just intend at this point to put one foot in front of the other.
I've spent a lot of time reading these forums over the past few days. I can't believe how much I am learning about myself and how similar so many stories are to mine. I didn't even realize that I have been a codependent to his addictions over the years, nor did I spend much time really exploring that he was an addict. I don't even think I have fully understood to what extent I have been emotionally and verbally abused, but I am starting to see it more. There have been so many people who have been run out of our lives, I always thought these people were drifting away because of me, that I was unlikeable. But now that I have been reaching out for support and my husband is away, I am finding out that people were put off by my husbands behavior, how he talks to people, how he speaks to me...etc. this cycle of making friends, them all falling away, and then moving on has gone on throughout the near two decades of our marriage. Yet, if a friend is not mutual to us, I keep my friends over the years. He hasn't always done substances, though he was the reformed bad boy former drug abuser now committed Christian when we met. Looking back I think he was addicted to highly demanding religion. Then there were the porn issues. And some alcohol on and off but never a bad enough problem to notice. And the year and a half he played video games nearly every waking moment he wasn't at work, yelling at the kids to shut up that they are ruining his game when they wanted to spend time with him. Yet, he also can be the fun guy, the loving guy, and until recently. The responsible worker who supports his family (a fact he throws in my face frequently).
Anyway, I have put on my big girl panties. I found a nice house that feels just perfect to me and guess what I had no problem getting approved to rent it. We move beginning of next month. I am consulting with a lawyer next week to decide my next step and when to tell AH. Right now he is texting me a bunch of I love you sweetie and can't wait until we are together again which makes me feel guilt and doubt, but I am trying to see through that and remind myself that I know this person and things will change rapidly if I give him what he wants, I know he is very angry at me because I refuse to conceal his addiction from my family and he will not be able to go on lovey covey forever with that anger below the surface. He keeps saying that nobody matters but our immediate unit- him, me and kids. But I think other people are important to have in our lives too and I am tired of seeing friends and family drift away. So like Dorothy stepping onto the yellow brick road, I am stepping onto the recovery road and I just intend at this point to put one foot in front of the other.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Great post Erica - way to go. Stick around...you will learn so much more and when or if you start to slip back, they will know and snap you out of denial...and it can really p!ss you off...only because you will KNOW they are right.
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