Opinions Please
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 23
Opinions Please
Hi everyone,
This is my first post but I've been reading some of the other posts and am hoping I can find support here and maybe get some opinions. I am 29 years old and about 3 months ago met a really nice guy while taking the transit. We started out by just chatting by text and eventually met up and watched some movies together. He was so sweet so I didn't think anything of it when he called me and told me he had been drinking one night. I thought it was just a night where he went out with his friends and had some food and drank. Well, the next day he told me that he has a drinking problem and that he has been to rehab for it 3 times, the last time being 3 years ago. Okay, so I grew up with an alcoholic dad and mother. My sister is addicted to oxys. I know addicts very well. I really like him so I figure why not support him and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to get help but may have a slip up here and there. Well, I later learned that he has been to rehab 5 times and the last time was last year. Okay, so I can deal with that. He obviously knows he has a problem and is trying his best to get help. He goes to a therapist once a week and has a sponsor. The meetings are not as often as they should be at AA but I can't tell him to go. So about a month ago he asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. I agreed thinking that I would be able to handle the drinking issues. But last weekend I was with him and his phone went off. I looked at it while I passed it to him and it said the caller was "my love". Well that's what he calls me so I was not impresssed. Turns out he has a two year old daughter that he neglected to tell me about even though I asked him many times if he had a child. Needless to say, I ended up leaving his place. We have been talking and he is really sorry. He said that he never told me because he already knows he's not in a good position and didn't want to scare me away. He said he was going to tell me after he was done rehab (he's going back in a few weeks). How understanding can I possibly be? What do I do? I do really like him and when he's not drinking he's an amazing guy but a child!!?? And he never told me about her. That's what hurts. I've never had to deal with something like this. I feel lost and confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
S
This is my first post but I've been reading some of the other posts and am hoping I can find support here and maybe get some opinions. I am 29 years old and about 3 months ago met a really nice guy while taking the transit. We started out by just chatting by text and eventually met up and watched some movies together. He was so sweet so I didn't think anything of it when he called me and told me he had been drinking one night. I thought it was just a night where he went out with his friends and had some food and drank. Well, the next day he told me that he has a drinking problem and that he has been to rehab for it 3 times, the last time being 3 years ago. Okay, so I grew up with an alcoholic dad and mother. My sister is addicted to oxys. I know addicts very well. I really like him so I figure why not support him and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying to get help but may have a slip up here and there. Well, I later learned that he has been to rehab 5 times and the last time was last year. Okay, so I can deal with that. He obviously knows he has a problem and is trying his best to get help. He goes to a therapist once a week and has a sponsor. The meetings are not as often as they should be at AA but I can't tell him to go. So about a month ago he asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. I agreed thinking that I would be able to handle the drinking issues. But last weekend I was with him and his phone went off. I looked at it while I passed it to him and it said the caller was "my love". Well that's what he calls me so I was not impresssed. Turns out he has a two year old daughter that he neglected to tell me about even though I asked him many times if he had a child. Needless to say, I ended up leaving his place. We have been talking and he is really sorry. He said that he never told me because he already knows he's not in a good position and didn't want to scare me away. He said he was going to tell me after he was done rehab (he's going back in a few weeks). How understanding can I possibly be? What do I do? I do really like him and when he's not drinking he's an amazing guy but a child!!?? And he never told me about her. That's what hurts. I've never had to deal with something like this. I feel lost and confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
S
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Yowsers, no. This guy is a minefield. You really don't have to walk through a minefield just because you laid eyes on it.
I don't mean to be cruel, but the facts are right here. He's lying to you, he's manipulating the facts to make himself look more palatable to you, and he's testing you to see whether you'll believe his lies or not. Trust your gut -- it's already telling you that this is bad news. Those of us who grew up with abuse and addiction in our homes are PRIMED to accept it in our lives as adults. He's testing the waters, making sure that's true. Fast forward five years when you're afraid to leave him because he's so unstable, you're so confused by the manipulation, weakened by the financial and emotional disaster, and tied up in his family and all the obligation and regret that goes with it.
As a third party from the outside, I'd walk away from this one without a regret.
I don't mean to be cruel, but the facts are right here. He's lying to you, he's manipulating the facts to make himself look more palatable to you, and he's testing you to see whether you'll believe his lies or not. Trust your gut -- it's already telling you that this is bad news. Those of us who grew up with abuse and addiction in our homes are PRIMED to accept it in our lives as adults. He's testing the waters, making sure that's true. Fast forward five years when you're afraid to leave him because he's so unstable, you're so confused by the manipulation, weakened by the financial and emotional disaster, and tied up in his family and all the obligation and regret that goes with it.
As a third party from the outside, I'd walk away from this one without a regret.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I told my RAH that if we had been at the beginning of a relationship & not 12+ years in when his alcoholism took hold, I would have left & never looked back, & I meant it.
My best advice would be to RUN. Run as fast & far as you can before you become damaged.
You aren't invested in this relationship in just 3 short months, he's already managed to lie & manipulate & he's admitted that he is unable to stay sober despite 5 attempts at rehab. But YOU'RE going to single-handledly change his life because you 'know addicts so well'?
I'm sorry, I just find that absurd. I'm not trying to come off harsh but what makes you think he's going to change for you? How do you think you can help him become sober when 5 rehab attempts did not?
This is my favorite SR quote this week & I think it applies: (from LearntoLive)
Cause if you feel you need to help someone in order to just BE with them, they are probably not a good choice for you.
My best advice would be to RUN. Run as fast & far as you can before you become damaged.
You aren't invested in this relationship in just 3 short months, he's already managed to lie & manipulate & he's admitted that he is unable to stay sober despite 5 attempts at rehab. But YOU'RE going to single-handledly change his life because you 'know addicts so well'?
I'm sorry, I just find that absurd. I'm not trying to come off harsh but what makes you think he's going to change for you? How do you think you can help him become sober when 5 rehab attempts did not?
This is my favorite SR quote this week & I think it applies: (from LearntoLive)
Cause if you feel you need to help someone in order to just BE with them, they are probably not a good choice for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
SW2012, while you were responding, I was adding to my response! 
Yes, I think it's that bad. He may have good intentions in his heart, but if he's not capable of demonstrating honesty and forthrightness with you from the beginning, he's just not relationship material.
Yes, I think it's that bad. He may have good intentions in his heart, but if he's not capable of demonstrating honesty and forthrightness with you from the beginning, he's just not relationship material.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Just my opinion, but I can say that I feel pretty sure this could easily have been my husband talking to one of his other women while he was a drunk, and terribly promiscuous.
I would be concerned about a few things:
-The phone call from "my love"
-His lying to you about something so basic as a child
-His relationship with the childs mother
-his repeated attempts at rehab, but having a sponsor, yet still drinking.
These are not good starts to a healthy relationship.
I would also consider yourself genetically predisposed to being attracted to the alcoholic dysfunction, due to your family history of alcoholism.
There may be a radar that you are unaware of that is drawing you to his dysfunction.
Just rememeber:
You do not have to go forward with this, just because you like him. You do not owe him anything.
He has already lied, and there are probably more lies behind that.
I speak from experience, here.
My RAH had a girlfriend for a few years, there. She thought he and I were never married, that we were parenting separately. He painted me as a villain, hid her from the world. She provided him with alcohol and drank with him when the rest of his world tried to stop enabling him.
To this day, she probably still sees him as a victim of me. It was all lies. He needed somewhere to go, someone to cry to, to have sex with, because I was not enabling him anymore.
Addicts lie.
Proceed with caution, and if it was me, knowing what I know now, I would run away from him, and lose his number.
Sorry if that is too direct.
Good Luck, and keep posting
I would be concerned about a few things:
-The phone call from "my love"
-His lying to you about something so basic as a child
-His relationship with the childs mother
-his repeated attempts at rehab, but having a sponsor, yet still drinking.
These are not good starts to a healthy relationship.
I would also consider yourself genetically predisposed to being attracted to the alcoholic dysfunction, due to your family history of alcoholism.
There may be a radar that you are unaware of that is drawing you to his dysfunction.
Just rememeber:
You do not have to go forward with this, just because you like him. You do not owe him anything.
He has already lied, and there are probably more lies behind that.
I speak from experience, here.
My RAH had a girlfriend for a few years, there. She thought he and I were never married, that we were parenting separately. He painted me as a villain, hid her from the world. She provided him with alcohol and drank with him when the rest of his world tried to stop enabling him.
To this day, she probably still sees him as a victim of me. It was all lies. He needed somewhere to go, someone to cry to, to have sex with, because I was not enabling him anymore.
Addicts lie.
Proceed with caution, and if it was me, knowing what I know now, I would run away from him, and lose his number.
Sorry if that is too direct.
Good Luck, and keep posting
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
SW2012- It's not my place to give you advice or tell you what to do. BUT you DID ask for opinions so, in my opinion: this relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen. He's been in rehab five times and is going back yet again. He LIED to you, not some little white lie but about his child! I wonder what other things he's lied to you about. You only have three months invested with this guy. In MY opinion it would be best to get out now before you become more entangled with him and his problems. You wrote ¨Why do I feel so connected to him? Like I want to support him and be there for him...¨ Um, just a guess but maybe because you grew up in a family with alcohilcs? Supporting and being there for him will not help unless HE decides he has to tackle this problem for HIMSELF. Please do yourself a favor and read other posts here. Read the ¨stickies¨. Check out the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) board. Learn from what others have gone and are going through. Spare yourself the world of hurt that is most certainly coming your way unless this man truly embraces recovery. And even then there are no guarantees. Sending you support and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Knowing what I know now after being married to an alcoholic and the fact you asked for opinions.
RUN AWAY!
Life with an alcoholic is not healthy. It is full of pain and upset and anxiety and guilt.
Active alcoholics do not have relationships, they take hostages.
Active alcoholics do not tell the truth. There is something about their addiction that makes them lie even about trivial things.
Read here a lot, feel the pain that is in so many posts and ask yourself if that is what you want for your future.
Your friend,
RUN AWAY!
Life with an alcoholic is not healthy. It is full of pain and upset and anxiety and guilt.
Active alcoholics do not have relationships, they take hostages.
Active alcoholics do not tell the truth. There is something about their addiction that makes them lie even about trivial things.
Read here a lot, feel the pain that is in so many posts and ask yourself if that is what you want for your future.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
You're gonna do what you're gonna do, regardless of what anyone here says. Of course we're going to say that at 29 you have your whole life ahead of you. We'll tell you stories how starting a relationship with someone in the grip of addiction is more akin to being a nurse than a lover. We'll tell you how we believed that changing our behavior would help them, then pleading, then yelling, that each time we thought our love could somehow apply the magic salve that would convince our significant other that life was worth living without addiction. And... It Just Doesn't Happen That Way. We'll tell you these things, and we'll hope you'll care for yourself more to be an unpaid nurse to a guy with some very serious demons only He can kill.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Can you take a step back ~ distance yourself emotionally from the situation ~ look at the hard facts. . .
what if your sister, mother, best friend or adult daughter brought this person home for you to meet as their potential partner . . .
would the good qualities actually outweigh the questionable ones?
maybe it you could take a step back, slow down, give him some space to work on his recovery and possibly you could take some time to attend some al-anon meetings, continue to post here & read some recovery literature
It appears you have many family members affected by this disease - so do I. I learned I had many co-dependant traits that I had learned over the years in dealing with these family members that kept me from acting in the most healthy ways in many of my relationships ~ Al-Anon & SR helped me become a healthier person.
Wishing you the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
what if your sister, mother, best friend or adult daughter brought this person home for you to meet as their potential partner . . .
would the good qualities actually outweigh the questionable ones?
maybe it you could take a step back, slow down, give him some space to work on his recovery and possibly you could take some time to attend some al-anon meetings, continue to post here & read some recovery literature
It appears you have many family members affected by this disease - so do I. I learned I had many co-dependant traits that I had learned over the years in dealing with these family members that kept me from acting in the most healthy ways in many of my relationships ~ Al-Anon & SR helped me become a healthier person.
Wishing you the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
As an alcoholic - I can say that while I was drinking I was extremely untrustworthy. After being in recovery I believe I am the exact opposite, but only because I worked at it. Took me a while and my first AA sponsor told me that I needed to stay away from any relationships for at least 2 years. Necessary for my recovery, but also because I wasn't ready to interact with anyone on that level.
Even in my day to day interactions in early sobriety I had to be told occasionally by those around me to stop with the horse pucky and be honest. In everything. At all times. Sometimes that brutal honesty that I've learned is detrimental now, but I'd never stop and I'll never forget the ones that cared enough to tell me get help, clean myself up, and to be honest with them or ... get away from them.
But I caution you. If you can't do any of this in a safe way ... don't.
Even in my day to day interactions in early sobriety I had to be told occasionally by those around me to stop with the horse pucky and be honest. In everything. At all times. Sometimes that brutal honesty that I've learned is detrimental now, but I'd never stop and I'll never forget the ones that cared enough to tell me get help, clean myself up, and to be honest with them or ... get away from them.
But I caution you. If you can't do any of this in a safe way ... don't.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Don't have much to add to the other posters.
You are playing with fire and you will get burned.
IMHO, life is just to short to get hooked up with a guy like this, there is no happy future with an alcoholic and ALL alcoholics lie.
You are playing with fire and you will get burned.
IMHO, life is just to short to get hooked up with a guy like this, there is no happy future with an alcoholic and ALL alcoholics lie.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He's an alcoholic.
He's been through rehab multiple times and it is not working for him. He has the tools. He is not using them.
He lies.
He has a child and lies about her.
He is now an alcoholic parent so not taking care of his child.
You have a connection with him but does it really out-shine all that? I can't imagine it does when you think about it logically. With each new revelation you seem to feel struck by how serious it is yet you hang in there for more.
You are absolutely, 100%, yourself valuable and deserving of a man with traits like honesty, integrity, responsibility to self and family, sober, and capable of a truly intimate partnership. Active alcoholics are none of those things. These upstanding men are everywhere but they can't stand beside you if someone is already in that spot.
In answer to your question of why do you want to be there for him....perhaps that isn't really about him at all but about you? It is very common for people that grow up with alcoholism to re-create that dynamic in their adult lives no matter how devastating it is to their personal happiness/life/goals. It is called co-dependence.
I would encourage you to read the book called 'Co-dependence No More' and read all the stickies at the top of the page. In contains a ton of great information. There is a lot of good information in the stickies at the top of the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here at SR too. You might consider attending some al-alon meetings.
Best of luck. He is entering yet another phase of recovery. Perhaps you should start now and enter your own recovery? I think that everyone here that has undertaken their personal path of recovery is very very glad they did. I know I am.
He's been through rehab multiple times and it is not working for him. He has the tools. He is not using them.
He lies.
He has a child and lies about her.
He is now an alcoholic parent so not taking care of his child.
You have a connection with him but does it really out-shine all that? I can't imagine it does when you think about it logically. With each new revelation you seem to feel struck by how serious it is yet you hang in there for more.
You are absolutely, 100%, yourself valuable and deserving of a man with traits like honesty, integrity, responsibility to self and family, sober, and capable of a truly intimate partnership. Active alcoholics are none of those things. These upstanding men are everywhere but they can't stand beside you if someone is already in that spot.
In answer to your question of why do you want to be there for him....perhaps that isn't really about him at all but about you? It is very common for people that grow up with alcoholism to re-create that dynamic in their adult lives no matter how devastating it is to their personal happiness/life/goals. It is called co-dependence.
I would encourage you to read the book called 'Co-dependence No More' and read all the stickies at the top of the page. In contains a ton of great information. There is a lot of good information in the stickies at the top of the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here at SR too. You might consider attending some al-alon meetings.
Best of luck. He is entering yet another phase of recovery. Perhaps you should start now and enter your own recovery? I think that everyone here that has undertaken their personal path of recovery is very very glad they did. I know I am.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Hi SW, Please don't take this the wrong way, but you say addiction is in your family.... have YOU been able to "save" your Mom, Dad and sister? What makes you think you can make a difference with this guy? Idk, plus how nice of a guy is he if you've already caught him in lies? Not mentioning he has a child? Believe me, I speak from experience when I tell you that addicts LIE about most things and you probably don't know the half of it. I can honestly tell you, if I had to do it all over again, I would not have become involved with an active addict, because that is what your guys is. It would have saved me 7 years of heartache.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Run. Run fast. Run NOW!
There are so many red flags with this man, it's like a sea of red. Don't go there, don't do this to yourself. This guy is a complete loser.
Go and find a good therapist with addiction/codependency training and explore why you are attracted to him. It's about you, not him.
There are so many red flags with this man, it's like a sea of red. Don't go there, don't do this to yourself. This guy is a complete loser.
Go and find a good therapist with addiction/codependency training and explore why you are attracted to him. It's about you, not him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I spent 4 years "saving" my XA and all I "saved" was his having to solve his own addiction issues since I was so busy helicoptering and running interference for him... I put my life on hold and all of my efforts and sacrifice accomplished nothing. He relapsed... over and over again and had I stayed it would have been a lifetime of the same... rinse and repeat... rinse and repeat.
Alcoholism is deadly... to the A and those who love them. Few find their way out and those that do still struggle with the issues that caused them to drink in some cases.
I know you want desperately to believe that your situation will be different... I did too... I was so very, very certain that my A was one of the lucky few that would make it.
If wishes were horses we'd all be riding... please at least have plan b in place... work on why you are attracted to such a broken and needy individual. I am ACOA and am still unraveling my unfortunate need to attach myself to broken addictive men.
Alcoholism is deadly... to the A and those who love them. Few find their way out and those that do still struggle with the issues that caused them to drink in some cases.
I know you want desperately to believe that your situation will be different... I did too... I was so very, very certain that my A was one of the lucky few that would make it.
If wishes were horses we'd all be riding... please at least have plan b in place... work on why you are attracted to such a broken and needy individual. I am ACOA and am still unraveling my unfortunate need to attach myself to broken addictive men.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
If my AH had told me ANY lies at all in the first 3 months I would have moved on right then.
Your asking for opinions so most people here, having lived the hell of being involved with an are likely going to tell you to run and don't look back.
It is said that in the beginning everyone puts their best foot forward, If THiS is his best you should be very concerned about his worst!
You must have suspected about the child if you asked him several times, before he finally told you the truth.
It also seems your more upset that he lied about the child than the fact that he lied about his drinking and how many times he has been to rehab.
The point is - he is lying to you, he is going back to rehab but you don't think he attends enough AA meetings? You must know that these are clear signs that he is not working his program.
His child is 2 years old and his first trip to rehab was 5 years ago? Maybe you shoul ask what kind of relationship he had with the mother and why it ended. Maybe she got tired of his drinking and the lies and he is looking for the next Codie,
I would suggest reading the stickies and some of threads here about others who chose to stay with A and how it changed or affected their lives.
Most of us given the chance for a do-over would not choose this path.
Good luck to you.
Your asking for opinions so most people here, having lived the hell of being involved with an are likely going to tell you to run and don't look back.
It is said that in the beginning everyone puts their best foot forward, If THiS is his best you should be very concerned about his worst!
You must have suspected about the child if you asked him several times, before he finally told you the truth.
It also seems your more upset that he lied about the child than the fact that he lied about his drinking and how many times he has been to rehab.
The point is - he is lying to you, he is going back to rehab but you don't think he attends enough AA meetings? You must know that these are clear signs that he is not working his program.
His child is 2 years old and his first trip to rehab was 5 years ago? Maybe you shoul ask what kind of relationship he had with the mother and why it ended. Maybe she got tired of his drinking and the lies and he is looking for the next Codie,
I would suggest reading the stickies and some of threads here about others who chose to stay with A and how it changed or affected their lives.
Most of us given the chance for a do-over would not choose this path.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
My ex AH partner turned up at 3am drunk and dressed in attire worthy of a street worker two days after our first date. I kicked her out and subsequently got a big sob story that she only drinks like that on her brothers death anniversary.
5 years later I left.. I would give anything for my time back. All the warnings signs are there its up to you.. Like with a AH ( even recovering ) is HELL..
5 years later I left.. I would give anything for my time back. All the warnings signs are there its up to you.. Like with a AH ( even recovering ) is HELL..
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