beatbum

A couple of months ago, I found out that my brother is a meth addict. Items were missing from the home, he had very violent behavior and sudden disappearances, all of that really took a toll on me. Part of the reason was because I was angry at my parents for enabling him, the other part was because I did not have any type of relationship with him so I blamed myself for not being available. I am far away at college but even before I moved out of state, I begin distancing myself from my family since I have an alcoholic mother. She has been an alcoholic since I could remember. My brothers begin drinking and smoking weed in high school. My mom did not see it as a big problem then and now 3 years later, one of my brothers is a functioning alcoholic and the other one developed a meth addiction. The one with a meth addiction went to rehab for 4months and he just recently went back home. Even though he is still counting his sober days from meth, he is constantly going out and drinking with my other brother. He is still going to NA meetings every week and has found a job now. When I speak to him over the phone, he sounds a lot better than before. I am trying to trust what he says (we have been developing a friendship for the past 8 months) and I put a lot of emphasize on trust. My problem is that at least once a week my mom calls me with breakdowns saying that he is missing or he hasn't been home all day. And part of that is her trying to manipulate me, as she always has, to be compassionate towards her. The times that she has done that, I have called him immediately and most of the time he picks up and tells me where he is at and when he plans to get home.

I am sick of being stuck in the middle. But I know that it is impossible to deal with my mom and he is still recovering. He told me that he doesn't like conflict with her so he just ignores her calls because she wants him to be home 24/7 watching over him. I am thinking of asking him to move with me. I am not sure if its a good idea since I am not 100% sure of the situation since my information is coming from him and my mom. But I think that moving away from my mom will give him the opportunity to become an adult, learn how to pay bills, how to organize his life. But I definitely do not want to take care of him. Just help him get started and be available for him to talk to, hang out with, just be a sister not a mom. What do you guys advise? Along with that, this whole situation has negatively affected my everyday activities. I find myself being less social, less productive at work, and sleeping significantly more. I honestly think Im depressed and I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this because all my friends are academics, and they just would not understand where I am coming from. As far as counseling goes, I have not tried it yet but I am also scared to go because I know a lot of the graduate students in psychology at my school (its a very small community and town). I am just a very private person and don't want people to know about my life especially when it has to do with my family.

Sorry for the incoherent venting, I'm just really frustrated and dont know how to process all of this.

Jody675

i have never dealt with a drug addict or someone in recovery so i am not going to comment on that part, but from all the other stuff you mentioned, it sounds like you need to get help and not worry about what others think. to be completely honest, no one cares about what your family is or isn't doing, and most will have their own skeletons. right now if you can't put yourself first and deal with your own issues, are you going to be able to help your brother with his.

others on here may have more useful advise regarding what to expect from someone recovering from drug addiction.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=beatbum;3441039] Part of the reason was because I was angry at my parents for enabling him, the other part was because I did not have any type of relationship with him so I blamed myself for not being available.

Nothing you could have said or done that would have prevented him from using drugs. You are not that powerful. None of us are. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

My problem is that at least once a week my mom calls me with breakdowns saying that he is missing or he hasn't been home all day.

I am sick of being stuck in the middle. But I know that it is impossible to deal with my mom and he is still recovering.

You control this part. A simple boundary that you will no longer engage in any conversation with your mom about your brother would put a stop to this. There is a huge difference between trying to control your mom's behavior and controlling your own reactions to her.

But I think that moving away from my mom will give him the opportunity to become an adult, learn how to pay bills, how to organize his life.

You are not his only option. Sounds like right now he's likely living rent free and comes and goes as he pleases. He's minimally drinking- a gateway back into his drug of choice. The disappearing act suggests more is going on than you know. He can easily move into a Sober House and take responsibility for himself, assuming he is willing to do so.
/QUOTE]

Perhaps Alanon could be of help to you at this time. You cannot control your mom or your brothers. Alanon can help teach you how to control your reactions to uncontrollable situations.

BeavsDad

Be careful with your trust - he is not in recovery.

Think you're depressed now? Move an addict in with you. Then you can play mommy and detective and spend your time wondering if your belongings are safe.

If you don't do counseling or Alanon, consider studying up here on detachment and boundaries.

It's difficult sometimes, but I've changed the way I deal with the addicts and enablers in my life. It really has made a difference in my stress levels.

Good luck to you.