Ready to leave, I think
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 16
Ready to leave, I think
It's been a few years since I posted here (new ID, couldn't remember my old one), I kind of got lost in the despair of being with my ABF and gave up reading SR & just resigned myself to the roller coaster lifestyle.
For some reason, I remembered this site & have been revisiting all the threads. The Normie thread really hit home for me.
I need to leave him, I know it is the best & I think I am ready until I think about him being gone and get that horrible sick feeling. I don't understand it, I sat all weekend thinking about what I want out of a relationship and not one of those things is he capable of providing me.
We have been together 9 years, of those he has been in rehab 3 times, 1 time we had him committed. He is progressing in his disease, using any stimulant he can get his hands on, Adderall, crack & god knows what else and drinking anything and everything. He is a childish drunk as well, when I try to ignore him he will push any button to try to get me to engage in an argument. Then he is validated in leaving the house to get more booze because I was being the B*tch.
We are suppose to go on vacation at the end of this month for 2 weeks to Florida, everything is paid for, but I am really thinking it would be best not to go. I know it will end up in fighting and him drinking non stop.
He told me yesterday that the best thing is for me to just back off & quit questioning everything he does. He lies about his drinking, he hides his booze everywhere.
I have spent the day replaying the past 9 years and predicting what the future would be like and I'm sick to death of it. I just want to break free from this, he isn't going to change, he will do just like he always does and get sober, go to meetings and be a sweet loving BF...and then he will drink again. Longest he has gone is 9 months, usually he blows it right before 90 days.
I'm tired of living this way, tired of being called every name in the book and never getting even an apology anymore & I'm tired of his insanity. I hate that I have become a very angry bitter women to everyone around me. I don't remember what it is like to laugh, a true belly laugh without worrying that it might set him off.
I made an appointment today for with a therapist who specializes in addiction. I go next week and am looking forward to it.
I never set boundries with him, never honestly realized what that was. I came from a loving family with 2 parents that didn't drink, and who believed that you should always help people out that need help. That is part of my problem, I feel like I am giving up on him. He is at probably the lowest point I have seen him, he has lost a ton of weight, and his actions are becoming more bizarre. I am so afraid that if I leave him it will be a short time before he is dead.
I know I am probably rambling, my thoughts are jumbled and I feel disoriented.
I have isolated myself in my house because I'm afraid if I actually go do something for myself he will a) let my dogs out without their chain because he thinks it's funny, b) burn the house down because he insists on starting a bonfire in the backyard & then passes out or c) go into a rage and "accidentially" break something in the house.
I know this is all part of the addiction, I just am praying for the strength to finally break away, but 9 years even if they weren't great years is a long time to walk away from.
For some reason, I remembered this site & have been revisiting all the threads. The Normie thread really hit home for me.
I need to leave him, I know it is the best & I think I am ready until I think about him being gone and get that horrible sick feeling. I don't understand it, I sat all weekend thinking about what I want out of a relationship and not one of those things is he capable of providing me.
We have been together 9 years, of those he has been in rehab 3 times, 1 time we had him committed. He is progressing in his disease, using any stimulant he can get his hands on, Adderall, crack & god knows what else and drinking anything and everything. He is a childish drunk as well, when I try to ignore him he will push any button to try to get me to engage in an argument. Then he is validated in leaving the house to get more booze because I was being the B*tch.
We are suppose to go on vacation at the end of this month for 2 weeks to Florida, everything is paid for, but I am really thinking it would be best not to go. I know it will end up in fighting and him drinking non stop.
He told me yesterday that the best thing is for me to just back off & quit questioning everything he does. He lies about his drinking, he hides his booze everywhere.
I have spent the day replaying the past 9 years and predicting what the future would be like and I'm sick to death of it. I just want to break free from this, he isn't going to change, he will do just like he always does and get sober, go to meetings and be a sweet loving BF...and then he will drink again. Longest he has gone is 9 months, usually he blows it right before 90 days.
I'm tired of living this way, tired of being called every name in the book and never getting even an apology anymore & I'm tired of his insanity. I hate that I have become a very angry bitter women to everyone around me. I don't remember what it is like to laugh, a true belly laugh without worrying that it might set him off.
I made an appointment today for with a therapist who specializes in addiction. I go next week and am looking forward to it.
I never set boundries with him, never honestly realized what that was. I came from a loving family with 2 parents that didn't drink, and who believed that you should always help people out that need help. That is part of my problem, I feel like I am giving up on him. He is at probably the lowest point I have seen him, he has lost a ton of weight, and his actions are becoming more bizarre. I am so afraid that if I leave him it will be a short time before he is dead.
I know I am probably rambling, my thoughts are jumbled and I feel disoriented.
I have isolated myself in my house because I'm afraid if I actually go do something for myself he will a) let my dogs out without their chain because he thinks it's funny, b) burn the house down because he insists on starting a bonfire in the backyard & then passes out or c) go into a rage and "accidentially" break something in the house.
I know this is all part of the addiction, I just am praying for the strength to finally break away, but 9 years even if they weren't great years is a long time to walk away from.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You are not giving up on him.
You are choosing a life free of addiction.
If he is going to drink himself to death, he will do it regardless of where you are living.
You have been with him for 9 years now. Has anything really changed?
Sounds to me as if you are at your breaking point. I had the same dialogue running thru my mind months before I ended the relationship. Listen to your gut instinct. You can only do what is best for YOU.
Personally, I would not go on vacation with him, that doesn't sound like a vacation at all. You will just be babysitting his drunken, obnoxious ass. And arguing,......
I don't understand, you say " nine years is alot to walk away from." I believe the greater loss would be to stay, living as you have been.. His addiction is holding you hostage. Alcoholism is sucking the life out of you. Nine is just a number. You are a human being, you are real, and you are hurting, he is no longer the person you fell in love with. This disease steals our loved ones. It's not fair, but it is the harsh reality of alcoholism.
Time to take your life back, and made healthy decisions. Make choices that will add peace and joy to YOUR life.
Please know you are not alone.
You are choosing a life free of addiction.
If he is going to drink himself to death, he will do it regardless of where you are living.
You have been with him for 9 years now. Has anything really changed?
Sounds to me as if you are at your breaking point. I had the same dialogue running thru my mind months before I ended the relationship. Listen to your gut instinct. You can only do what is best for YOU.
Personally, I would not go on vacation with him, that doesn't sound like a vacation at all. You will just be babysitting his drunken, obnoxious ass. And arguing,......
I don't understand, you say " nine years is alot to walk away from." I believe the greater loss would be to stay, living as you have been.. His addiction is holding you hostage. Alcoholism is sucking the life out of you. Nine is just a number. You are a human being, you are real, and you are hurting, he is no longer the person you fell in love with. This disease steals our loved ones. It's not fair, but it is the harsh reality of alcoholism.
Time to take your life back, and made healthy decisions. Make choices that will add peace and joy to YOUR life.
Please know you are not alone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I don't see what you would be walking away from, you have no relationship with him, you
are his hostage, you are living in a prison with invisible bars...by choice.
Might be time for you to attend Alanon meetings, and read Codependent No More.
are his hostage, you are living in a prison with invisible bars...by choice.
Might be time for you to attend Alanon meetings, and read Codependent No More.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 16
I think the big thing is that I had created a fantasy in my head that he will quit drinking and things will be great between us. I guess it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was so wrong and I spent 9 years waiting for a fairy tale to happen.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
This coming August will be 11 years for me. I think I realized about the 9 year mark too that the only changes will have to come from me. The only changes from my AH are the severe mood swings. Plotting and planning and scrimping and saving to get out asap. Good luck to you. You'll know when you're ready. Self survival kicks in and there's no going back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Five years in, only one child to rescue and I am saving/planning to get out myself. I think 5 years is plenty of time to have given of myself to save a sinking ship that wants to keep sinking. I will not let him take me to the bottom. He has tried, but I still have my head above water for the sake of my son.
Alcoholism and addiction is the most selfish disease on the face of this planet. It has no soul, no remorse, it only takes victims. My stbxabf often tells me that I like to play a victim. Trust me, I don't. But, little does he know I won't be playing a victim anymore. I have a time frame set for leaving. Sometimes this stupid head of mine tries to talk myself out of leaving (again) but I know I have to find peace for myself and my son. I have reached my bottom. I have never, ever felt this low in my life, ever.
Alcoholism and addiction is the most selfish disease on the face of this planet. It has no soul, no remorse, it only takes victims. My stbxabf often tells me that I like to play a victim. Trust me, I don't. But, little does he know I won't be playing a victim anymore. I have a time frame set for leaving. Sometimes this stupid head of mine tries to talk myself out of leaving (again) but I know I have to find peace for myself and my son. I have reached my bottom. I have never, ever felt this low in my life, ever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 16
Amazingly the money isn't an issue for me right now. In less than 10 days I get a very large bonus from work that will allow me to put a down pymt on a home. I think that is where part of my panic attacks are coming from, I don't have that as my excuse anymore to stay.
It's still hard because I look at him and really can't imagine a future with this person because I know he isn't going to change, he really doesn't want to, in his words, he likes to drink & he likes to drink alot. But in the same breath I can't imagine not having him around.
It's funny because I did let him know that he is on his own for vacation, and he said that maybe he would surprise me and be on best behavior & make sure I have a good time. Translation: He needs me to go because his credit is crap and no rental car agency will rent to him!
It's still hard because I look at him and really can't imagine a future with this person because I know he isn't going to change, he really doesn't want to, in his words, he likes to drink & he likes to drink alot. But in the same breath I can't imagine not having him around.
It's funny because I did let him know that he is on his own for vacation, and he said that maybe he would surprise me and be on best behavior & make sure I have a good time. Translation: He needs me to go because his credit is crap and no rental car agency will rent to him!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Yeah for you not having an issue with money. Unfortunately, I do and will have to stay with my mom because child care for a toddler is EXPENSIVE. Anyhow, I will manage. Personally my A left for a week to go back to his hometown for a funeral and although sad for his family's loss, I was relieved at the week I got to spend with my son alone! My lil boy barely missed his daddy at all. Sad, but true!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If it were me, I would run to the bank and deposit your bonus money in an account that ABF does not have access to.
When you have had enough you will know. Financial stability is an added sense of security. good for you.
I am not surprised to hear that his credit is "crap". Seems to be another trait these charming alkies possess. Wishing you all the best.
When you have had enough you will know. Financial stability is an added sense of security. good for you.
I am not surprised to hear that his credit is "crap". Seems to be another trait these charming alkies possess. Wishing you all the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,869
He keeps you clinging to hope because you have always clung to hope. He knows that. You have to decide what you truly want, once and for all. Otherwise, nothing is going to change. If you being there had even a tiny affect on his drinking, he would have quit for good at some point during the past 9 years. Why waste any more years waiting on something that he has as good as told you is not going to happen.
We all make mistakes. Yours has cost you nine years, but it would be an even worse mistake if you let it cost you five more. Get out now, while you can. You deserve so much better, but you'll never get it if you don't let go of what you have now.
We all make mistakes. Yours has cost you nine years, but it would be an even worse mistake if you let it cost you five more. Get out now, while you can. You deserve so much better, but you'll never get it if you don't let go of what you have now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 16
We have no joint accounts, I learned my lesson with my ex husband never to share an account with anyone. Another thing that I started to realize in the last 6 months or so is that we have been together for 9 years and have never bought 1 thing as a couple. Everything is mine, when he leaves he will go with almost the exact thing he came to me with, his clothes.
I think I have been preparing for this longer than I realize because I have been really careful with my money the last year, paying off all my credit cards and really down to just the basics to pay out of my paychecks.
I think I have been preparing for this longer than I realize because I have been really careful with my money the last year, paying off all my credit cards and really down to just the basics to pay out of my paychecks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by boxermama 
That is part of my problem, I feel like I am giving up on him. He is at probably the lowest point I have seen him, he has lost a ton of weight, and his actions are becoming more bizarre. I am so afraid that if I leave him it will be a short time before he is dead.
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god bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: cincinnati, oh
Posts: 1
this sounds like my life story almost to a "T: .. I too have been with my ABF for just short of 7 years.. This past year has been the worst because I think I am at my breaking point, well I know I am at my breaking point. My ABF just left two days ago because he refused to get help, he was supposed to have been stopping drinking but what I found he was doing was drinking when I wasnt home.. I could tell when I would get home but I just didnt want to believe it.. 
I too feel guilty, like I am giving up on him.. He doesnt have a job (which he has difficulty holding a job for more than a year or so) His family is very different than mine, we help each other.. They may help each other and then sit there with there hand hanging out waiting on something.. this man has also played to role as my sons father for the past 7 years. No he isnt his biological father but he is the only dad my son has ever had.. My son-13 yr old has also told him he wants him to leave if he will not stop.. This is just so hard, harder than I ever imagined..
I too feel guilty, like I am giving up on him.. He doesnt have a job (which he has difficulty holding a job for more than a year or so) His family is very different than mine, we help each other.. They may help each other and then sit there with there hand hanging out waiting on something.. this man has also played to role as my sons father for the past 7 years. No he isnt his biological father but he is the only dad my son has ever had.. My son-13 yr old has also told him he wants him to leave if he will not stop.. This is just so hard, harder than I ever imagined..
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by ANGELS71279
this sounds like my life story almost to a "T: .. I too have been with my ABF for just short of 7 years.. This past year has been the worst because I think I am at my breaking point, well I know I am at my breaking point. My ABF just left two days ago because he refused to get help, he was supposed to have been stopping drinking but what I found he was doing was drinking when I wasnt home.. I could tell when I would get home but I just didnt want to believe it.. I too feel guilty, like I am giving up on him.. He doesnt have a job (which he has difficulty holding a job for more than a year or so) His family is very different than mine, we help each other.. They may help each other and then sit there with there hand hanging out waiting on something.. this man has also played to role as my sons father for the past 7 years. No he isnt his biological father but he is the only dad my son has ever had.. My son-13 yr old has also told him he wants him to leave if he will not stop.. This is just so hard, harder than I ever imagined..
I too feel guilty, like I am giving up on him.. He doesnt have a job (which he has difficulty holding a job for more than a year or so) His family is very different than mine, we help each other.. They may help each other and then sit there with there hand hanging out waiting on something.. this man has also played to role as my sons father for the past 7 years. No he isnt his biological father but he is the only dad my son has ever had.. My son-13 yr old has also told him he wants him to leave if he will not stop.. This is just so hard, harder than I ever imagined..Sorry for the reason(s) that made you come here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Sending you strength to do what is right for you. I have left my Ah for the final time - together 13 years - married 8 - I too could not imagine life without him but also got the horrible name calling and lashing out at me and my sons. It gets easier with time. Vacations with AH were awful- he was drunk all the time - I was not - we did nothing without alcohol so I just quit vacationing with him and my sons and I went away for a week every year and had a ball. You can do this! You are strong!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear boxermomma, suki has a good point. Sometimes we have to let go of some things in the present in order to have somethings better in the future. Change is a part of life for everyone (whether we like it or not). Even if you stay stuck in the present because of fear of change---things will still change-- -for the worse. (you have already predicted this). You will also become more damaged from the alcoholism.
In alanon you can find the courage to face your fears of the unknown---while being loved and supported by others who have walked in your shoes.
sincerely, dandylion
In alanon you can find the courage to face your fears of the unknown---while being loved and supported by others who have walked in your shoes.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dawson Creek, BC
Posts: 8
Your head knows what you need to do, it's your big heart that lets you think it's going to change. Almost 17 with my husband, and I left 8 months ago. Silly me thought he had changed and came back. To my hearts dismay, he was drinking MORE than he was when I left. Now I have to make this decision all over again, because I started thinking with my heart and didn't listen to my head. Good Luck!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Investing more time in this relationship is like putting more money on the table in the casino when you've been losing for hours. I know--it feels like there's so much INVESTED in it. But the likelihood of hitting the jackpot, unlike in the casino where your odds are the same on each roll however many times you play, your odds are actually DIMINISHING.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
You're not giving up on him - you're putting stock in YOU. Is there any way you can break away to go on that vacation by yourself? Or maybe change your flight & hotel so you don't have to travel or bunk with him?
And instead of thinking about the last 9 years, try to focus on all the years to come. How do you want those years to play out? I too am trying to learn to look forward instead of dwelling on what has been & what could have been.
And instead of thinking about the last 9 years, try to focus on all the years to come. How do you want those years to play out? I too am trying to learn to look forward instead of dwelling on what has been & what could have been.
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