chessa

My husband is constantly hiding the bottles of alcohol. If I find the bottles I normally confront him the next day. For a while it became so important to me to find them so he couldnt lie to me. Then I stopped looking for a while cause I was just tired of digging through trash and staying up late to search. When I stopped I just distanced myself from him more. I didnt have proof and I couldnt take him lying so I just couldnt deal with him. Now I go back and forth.

Is it important to confront him to let him know he didnt just get away with it? I hate him thinking he has gotten away with it but I also hate the endless searches.

aNewEternity

depends if you feel it is making your life 'unmanageable'

suki44883

Did it ever change anything when you confronted him before? Letting him know you know he is drinking doesn't solve anything. If he wants to drink, he is going to drink, so you might as well just let that part go.

Do you attend al-anon meetings? They can be very helpful and teach you how to detach from his actions.

Impurrfect

((Chessa)) - I'm both an RA and someone who has loved ones who are still active A's. I did the confronting thing, but it only ticked me off. As an A, I would have denied everything even with evidence in my face.

My stepmom will say "I was just dozing" when it's evident she was passed out. It doesn't do me any good to argue with her. She will defend herself, no matter what. It's just not worth it to me, anymore, to try to face her into reality...she is stuck in denial. I was there, I understand it, but it doesn't make it any easier

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

wicked

Please stop searching for bottles you know are there, he drinks and hides it, then you search them down. You do not have to prove to him he has a problem, and he won't get it that way either, it has to come from inside him.
You know he will lie, so why talk about it? On some level he is ashamed, or else he wouldn't hide it.
Find something constructive for yourself to do? What do you do that is just for yourself?
When you find yourself feeling the need to look for "proof" in the trashcan, go get that book you were meaning to read, or write in a journal. Go for a short walk. Take a shower. Anything to distract you from doing that.
Leave his addiction to him, you look for recovery for yourself.

Beth

chessa

I search sometimes for my own validation and to be able to confront him with little or no denial from him. Sometimes I feel so paranoid. Like if he legitimately does something Im wondering if he did it cause he's drunk.

I havent done the al-anon meetings. I just wasnt sure if its a good thing or important to let him know he isnt getting away with it.

I think that if he thought I didnt realize how often he does it he'd do it more.

marie1960

Chessa, he is an addict.

He is addicted to alcohol.

Nothing you do or say will change the disease.

He is an adult man.

If he wants help, he will seek it out

If he want to drink himself to death, it is his option.

If nothing changes, nothing changes......

Change and choice begin with YOU

Focus on YOU.

Keep posting, you are not alone.

DMC

I thought the same thing. Exactly same reasoning.
The problem, is that alcoholics aren't reasonable.
I questioned if my XAH was an alcoholic for a long time. I think now, that when it occurred to me that he might be, he was already long down that path.

Oh, and he always thought he got away with it... even when I lined up the beer cans on the kitchen counters. Ooh, I hated that he'd throw them in the trash and not recycle. (Partly because I wanted him to be aware of how many he went though, and partly because not recycling aluminum is a huge peeve of mine. Not to mention the ecological impact.)

Al-Anon saved my sanity. I stayed with him for several years with the help of Al-Anon before I finally said "enough," and decided that I wasn't going to go down with the ship.

It's a safe place - everyone there has been where you are, and they understand more than you realize. You should try some meetings. Like 6. That's a good number. And different groups have different feels, but they're all anonymous, and you don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

Shadydeal

I have found that it only frustrates me more because with my XABF....lying was easier than ever telling the truth about anything. Well, he'd tell the truth more about drinking than anything else. But either way it made no difference. Only frustrated me more because I knew for a fact he was lying but he did no good to bring it up. Never changed a thing. Excepting the fact that I knew it was a out and out lie really p.... Me off. So, I had to learn it wasnt worth my breath, sad but true for me.

sugarbear1

search: al anon your city florida

call and make sure a meeting still exists and go. save your own sanity and get validation there! take care of you today.

Hugs,

Learn2Live

IMHO, no, it is not important to confront him and it is futile. You cannot control someone else's drinking any more than you can control someone else's life. Have you tried Al-Anon meetings? Searching for bottles in trash is not my idea of how I want to live my life. In fact, searching for ANYTHING in trash sounds like it sucks.

m1k3

Something I learned here and at al-anon that really helped me with this.

In dealing with my wife's alcoholism. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it.

Once I accepted that my life started to get easier. It was not my job to manage her drinking. She is an adult and can drink or not, it is totally up to her.

Your friend,

FireSprite

IMO, searching for empties is the same as checking phone records, bank usage, etc which I used to do constantly to the point of distraction & yes, paranoia. Then I realized none of that made him stop doing whatever he was doing & if anything, his actions were predictable.

His actions weren't making me paranoid, mine were.

MsPINKAcres

for me, I discovered the saying . . .

I will know what I need to know when I need to know & usually on little or no action on my part ~ (from ODAT in Al-Anon)

HE KNOWS whether he is drinking or not & I know when he's been drinking or not, by either his actions or the "dead" look in his eyes ~ no one really Needs to prove it ~

Regardless what I learned in recovery - the best thing I could do was to take good care of ME.

I deserved internal peace regardless of his actions and only me & my HP could give that to me.

PINK HUGS,
Rita