EmmyG

A few thoughts I'd like to share from the hard-earned wisdom I've acquired recently (though not nearly enough yet):

1) If you're dating an A and have no official ties to them, such as marriage/children, move ON before you get too involved. Trust me and everyone else on here. You will save yourself so much heartache. The last five years have been a living nightmare, and have sucked the life out of me, and that's being married to someone who can go a year between drinking binges. I've thought about his drinking and the possibility of his drinkin every. single. day. My kids may never see him drunk, but the impact is still great. These people have far deeper problems than not being able to control alcohol usage. My husband has such a deep self-hatred that I can't come anywhere close to being able to help him.

2) As everyone here warned me about, marriage counseling with an A is a waste of time and in my situation, was actually harmful. The therapist actually minimized his drinking, and suggested that I stay somewhere else for the night when he drinks. Funny that the following day, he went on a week-long binge.

3) I have always blamed my inability to remove myself from bad relationships on "I'm so attached to him." Wow, what an unhealthy place to be. Where was my dignity? There have been times my AH has tried to leave, and I begged HIM to make it work, even knowing in my heart that his alcoholism is the cause of our unhappiness. Why have I wanted to save such a toxic relationship? Have I been considering my children at all? My mother was emotionally unavailable during my formative years due to the death of my baby brother. Here I am being unavailable to my own children in a situation I have the power to change.

Impurrfect

((Emmy)) - I don't know about you, but it took a lot of reading and posting, here at SR, to get to the point where you are. I can now say "OMG, I wish I would have LISTENED" but I wasn't ready, and that's okay. When we know better, we do better, and I'm really glad to see this post from you

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EmmyG

Thanks for that ) What I've been trying to do, daily, is envision my new life, a life without him. I keep thinking about the freedom to have a good day, or go visit relatives out of town. I haven't allowed myself to do much without him, in fear that he'll drink while I'm gone. There have been occasions, such as my sister's baby shower, where I have been not present emotionally because he was drunk at home and I was preoccupied. It's affected work, too. I quit one job a week into it, because he went out drinking one night and I took my son to a motel and I was so embarrassed, because that's not how I run my life. There was another time I went to San Diego to train for my new job. They put me up in a nice hotel for two weeks and I made the mistake of letting him come visit me. He showed up wasted and it was totally embarrassing. I had to keep him away from the hotel bar and I was so distracted at work the next day. *sigh* No more of this in my life, I can't let it happen!

EnglishGarden

Thank you for your good post, EmmyG.

Almost always our enduring the intolerable marriage to an addict is due to some childhood wounding in us. We just hold on.

Yes, I remember those trips to the motel with my child, too....years ago.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

Katiekate

(((((Emmy)))))

I have been crying with you. Today has been a difficult day for me, it is the end, my relationship with my xabf is over, we had planned a vacation right before the crash came, I cancelled the reservations today.

I have a combination of sadness and peace, but it is over. So many of the things you have posted here in the last couple of days have helped me , somehow gave me the strength to pick up that phone today and do what I knew had to be done.

Thank you for this post and sharing your thoughts. You are really an amazing , strong, lovely woman. More struggles and clarity coming.

love to you , Katie xo

EmmyG

Hugs to you, Katie. It's sad, isn't it? I'm trying to do little things to keep my mind off of it, like watching stupid movies. Lol I'm watching the baby dance right now. A little sad that his daddy hasn't seem him in over a week. It all feels unfair, especially because I gave my marriage everything I had. I'm just trying to make peace with it and embrace the unknowns of the future. I hope you know you're not alone, my thoughts are with you. It's so nice to know there are people who understand. This board has helped me get a lot off of my chest, I just find it really difficult to talk to my family about any of this, because I know they don't know the insanity that is life with an A.

I forgot to add, thank you for your kindness as helpful words, when you're going through your own hard times.

DefofLov

You are doing awesome Emmy. Give yourself credit for moving forward. It takes years to "get it." And even after we "get it," we lose it sometimes and have to do more work to "get it back.". That's just life. Embrace the journey, you are on the right path.

dollydo

Great Post!

Learn2Live

To me, this is key:

Cause if you feel you need to help someone in order to just BE with them, they are probably not a good choice for you.

FireSprite

Well said!!! I need to remember this!!

MsPINKAcres

((Emmy G))

You are a brave woman! Congrats on realizing you and your children deserve respect, love, dignity and have the ability to make choices to have that in your life!

PINK HUGS!
Rita

celticgenes

I could have written every single word. I spent 20 YEARS!!!!! trying to "fix, save, convince, make worthwhile, blah, blah, blah". All I did was postpone the inevitable. I am especially guilty of begging the A to make it work, even though I KNEW in my heart that it was a mistake. What is that about????

I am sure that there are non addict men in the world who would love to share the gifts I bring to living. When I feel secure enough in my own decision making ability, I'll go meet one. Until then, I may be a little lonely, but I am at peace.

Anon12

I'm sorry KatieKate - I had a wake up call before we went on holiday when XABF went on an all nighter the week before and I hesitated whether to cancel our booking but I went ahead and wish I hadn't. I wish I'd had the strength to do what you did and stop things before we went away.

I know that feeling of sadness but peace which feels so very strange. I keep holding onto that peace as in a 'normal' break up, if you still love someone, all you feel is sadness and the peace is a long time coming.

Katiekate

Thanks so much for sharing that, xxoxoxoxoo

QueenOfSwords

THIS. The depth of my xabf's self-loathing only became apparent after I had been with him for a while, because he's good at hiding it and cultivates this whole false demeanor as a happy, easy-going guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is dark, dark, dark inside. I still remember how hopeless and scared I felt when I finally realized it.

Thank you for this post, and to all the others here who gave me tough love, even though I didn't want to hear it. The last time I posted here I was full of hope but of course he crushed it again. He's now doing his 3rd stint in rehab, but I am finally done. I know he's going to show up here full of promises when he gets out but I finally see what my therapist told me: "You're not going to have a happy ending with this guy."

Like you said Emmy, I have no legal ties to him, no marriage or kids. We weren't even living together, so what the hell was I doing??! I never would have believed the damage that just one year with an alcoholic could do to my soul and psyche if I hadn't lived through it myself.

So to all the new people here, please take Emmy's words to heart. We can't fix them. It's best to move on, for own happiness, peace and sanity.

Carol Star

yep feeling of sadness and peace......