The stakes have never been so high
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NYC
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The stakes have never been so high
I spent my childhood being violently abused by my unstable father, who, of all things, was a high school principal in a wealthy Connecticut town. Everyone loved him. He was perfect in public, incredibly polished and composed. Behind closed doors at home, he was like that too, until he wasn't. And then he was eyes-rolling-back-in-his-head insane.
My mother left when I was 8. The beatings I received, accompanied by maniacal screaming about how "I'm going to put you in the f*(&ing hospital, you little s&!t" and the like, continued until I finally left for college. They had nothing to do with my behavior. They would occur when the pressure of maintaining his flawless facade became too much to bear. Extreme, random violence was the singular defining aspect of my pre-adult life.
I'm 37. I've known from the first drink I ever had, bad keg beer at a friend's house party at 18 (I was far too terrified of getting caught to try it before then), that my experience with alcohol was different from most others'. I will never forget that night. I remember the crystalline, undiluted message that my brain sent to every nerve ending in my entire body: "This feels safe. You can finally relax. For the first time ever, you feel okay. I want to feel like this every moment of every day forever."
It's almost 20 years later now. I have maintained a level of functionality due to relentless secrecy and the fact that for the past 12 years I have traded stock, from home, independently.
I am married. I have an 11 month old son.
I sneak out of the house, buy generic vodka after my wife and child are asleep, come home and drink until I black out. Every single time. Not every day. But it is a relentless, miserable, nightmare of a grinding existence.
I have been to rehab once before and stayed sober for 1 year. Incredibly enough, having my wife and a psychologist tell me that didn't really think I was an alcoholic, despite actively and happily self-identifying as such for that year, was enough to feed my ego and my addict, and I've been sliding every since. I don't have much longer to go. It is a major miracle that I have not lost more than I have (my first marriage) to my alcoholism.
To me, alcohol is like a slot machine at a casino. Over the long term, you are guaranteed to lose. A lot. You will go bankrupt if you play long enough. Yet I keep coming back, part of me believing that I can be this unbeatable game. It is the deepest, darkest, sickest part of myself and it has held the upper hand over me for 19 of the past 20 years.
I love my son more than anyone and anything I have ever known. I'm no longer risking my own life, or even the lives of other adults. This singular thing I swore I would never do, the cycle I would never repeat, is at my doorstep: while I'm never violent, I know if I can't stop drinking, I am going to destroy my son's childhood.
This is Day 2 for me. I need to find spiritual meaning in my life. I have tried, and failed, with organized religion in the past. But I've battled this alone for a very long time, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my way doesn't work.
It was important for me to write this down and share it in a public forum. Thank you for reading my story and sharing in the beginning of my long term recovery.
My mother left when I was 8. The beatings I received, accompanied by maniacal screaming about how "I'm going to put you in the f*(&ing hospital, you little s&!t" and the like, continued until I finally left for college. They had nothing to do with my behavior. They would occur when the pressure of maintaining his flawless facade became too much to bear. Extreme, random violence was the singular defining aspect of my pre-adult life.
I'm 37. I've known from the first drink I ever had, bad keg beer at a friend's house party at 18 (I was far too terrified of getting caught to try it before then), that my experience with alcohol was different from most others'. I will never forget that night. I remember the crystalline, undiluted message that my brain sent to every nerve ending in my entire body: "This feels safe. You can finally relax. For the first time ever, you feel okay. I want to feel like this every moment of every day forever."
It's almost 20 years later now. I have maintained a level of functionality due to relentless secrecy and the fact that for the past 12 years I have traded stock, from home, independently.
I am married. I have an 11 month old son.
I sneak out of the house, buy generic vodka after my wife and child are asleep, come home and drink until I black out. Every single time. Not every day. But it is a relentless, miserable, nightmare of a grinding existence.
I have been to rehab once before and stayed sober for 1 year. Incredibly enough, having my wife and a psychologist tell me that didn't really think I was an alcoholic, despite actively and happily self-identifying as such for that year, was enough to feed my ego and my addict, and I've been sliding every since. I don't have much longer to go. It is a major miracle that I have not lost more than I have (my first marriage) to my alcoholism.
To me, alcohol is like a slot machine at a casino. Over the long term, you are guaranteed to lose. A lot. You will go bankrupt if you play long enough. Yet I keep coming back, part of me believing that I can be this unbeatable game. It is the deepest, darkest, sickest part of myself and it has held the upper hand over me for 19 of the past 20 years.
I love my son more than anyone and anything I have ever known. I'm no longer risking my own life, or even the lives of other adults. This singular thing I swore I would never do, the cycle I would never repeat, is at my doorstep: while I'm never violent, I know if I can't stop drinking, I am going to destroy my son's childhood.
This is Day 2 for me. I need to find spiritual meaning in my life. I have tried, and failed, with organized religion in the past. But I've battled this alone for a very long time, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my way doesn't work.
It was important for me to write this down and share it in a public forum. Thank you for reading my story and sharing in the beginning of my long term recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Riggedgame, your post really touched me. It was reading about you wanting to be there for your son, and it was so sad what your father did. It's great to read you wanting to turn that around.
Really good for you for doing this. I had a lousy childhood and probably started drinking partly because of that. Now that I'm sober I'm dealing with some of that, though I'd worked out a lot of it in therapy.
Have you planned how you will stay sober? Only reason I'm asking is that I had to do some of this like a plan of attack. I post on another message board if I ever have a craving, I come on here, go to AA, took some time off from working, shared with sympathetic friends, used their support.
I don't think there is a right way to do it, but make sure you have support in place. You may be better than I was at reaching out (initially I didn't), I'd make sure you come here for support or other groups as needed.
Good luck on your journey.
Really good for you for doing this. I had a lousy childhood and probably started drinking partly because of that. Now that I'm sober I'm dealing with some of that, though I'd worked out a lot of it in therapy.
Have you planned how you will stay sober? Only reason I'm asking is that I had to do some of this like a plan of attack. I post on another message board if I ever have a craving, I come on here, go to AA, took some time off from working, shared with sympathetic friends, used their support.
I don't think there is a right way to do it, but make sure you have support in place. You may be better than I was at reaching out (initially I didn't), I'd make sure you come here for support or other groups as needed.
Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by riggedgame 
I need to find spiritual meaning in my life. I have tried, and failed, with organized religion in the past. But I've battled this alone for a very long time, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my way doesn't work.
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Welcome to the family! :ghug3 It's good you're giving up drinking as it will only make things worse and created more problems on its own.
I hope we can help you on your sober journey like I've been helped here.
I hope we can help you on your sober journey like I've been helped here. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
It is great that you want to turn things around for your son.
How did you maintain your sobriety for a year. I am one year sober now thanks to AA and this forum.
I agree you really need to give up completely. Why did your wife and therapist encourage you to drink again?
CaiHong
How did you maintain your sobriety for a year. I am one year sober now thanks to AA and this forum.
I agree you really need to give up completely. Why did your wife and therapist encourage you to drink again?
CaiHong
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I can relate. I have been told by my ex that I am not an alcoholic when I had 4 moths of sobriety, but I talked about it with my sponsor and in my home group. I now have 5 months, it didn't cause me to drink because I talked about it. I recently just left him, and we have 2 children together. I am going through many struggles right now, and am just keeping my faith in God really strong that He knows better than me for what He wants in my life. That is something that I am focusing on right this very instant.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
welcome to the forum riggedgame - you'll find a lot of support here.
I'm sorry for your history - and I know what you mean knowing right from the off that your relationship with alcohol was different to others.
But we can and do recover - we can leave the past behind and live sober happy lives
SR helped me a lot - I know it will help you too
D
I'm sorry for your history - and I know what you mean knowing right from the off that your relationship with alcohol was different to others.
But we can and do recover - we can leave the past behind and live sober happy lives
SR helped me a lot - I know it will help you too
D
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 42
Thanks for all your replies and support.
The rehab I went to previously was based on a 12 Step approach. It was key for me to truly feel like there was something greater than myself, some greater reason for it all; largely because the sum of my best efforts were not enough to stop drinking. I need to get back in touch with that humble sense of wonder before the world; it's dangerous for me to feel like the world is little more than randomness, chaos and cruelty with no meaning or purpose. That's not a choice. I must find a way to believe there is something more.
Your points are well taken: this is the first step for me, publicly stating the problem, as it exists, before people who understand what its like.
My previous psychologist and wife earnestly believed, I think, that therapy would 'heal' me, help me reconcile my past, and enable me to drink in a non-abusive manner. I know, for sure, I will never be able to do this. Something flat out happens in my brain. I have one drink, and I'm in massive, massive trouble. I change. I become someone for whom 'pursuit of more alcohol, now, fast' is my one and only concern in life.
I'd like to think that online meetings will suffice for me, but I know they may well not. I'm putting together a list of local meetings. I have my Big Book, I have all the work I did in rehab previously. If I fail to quit this time, it will only be my stubbornness, my arrogance, my staggering and inexplicable belief that I know better despite 20 years of irrefutable evidence otherwise, that stands in my way.
Thanks again. The feeling of relief, being honest about this in a public forum, is palpable.
The rehab I went to previously was based on a 12 Step approach. It was key for me to truly feel like there was something greater than myself, some greater reason for it all; largely because the sum of my best efforts were not enough to stop drinking. I need to get back in touch with that humble sense of wonder before the world; it's dangerous for me to feel like the world is little more than randomness, chaos and cruelty with no meaning or purpose. That's not a choice. I must find a way to believe there is something more.
Your points are well taken: this is the first step for me, publicly stating the problem, as it exists, before people who understand what its like.
My previous psychologist and wife earnestly believed, I think, that therapy would 'heal' me, help me reconcile my past, and enable me to drink in a non-abusive manner. I know, for sure, I will never be able to do this. Something flat out happens in my brain. I have one drink, and I'm in massive, massive trouble. I change. I become someone for whom 'pursuit of more alcohol, now, fast' is my one and only concern in life.
I'd like to think that online meetings will suffice for me, but I know they may well not. I'm putting together a list of local meetings. I have my Big Book, I have all the work I did in rehab previously. If I fail to quit this time, it will only be my stubbornness, my arrogance, my staggering and inexplicable belief that I know better despite 20 years of irrefutable evidence otherwise, that stands in my way.
Thanks again. The feeling of relief, being honest about this in a public forum, is palpable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 61,476
I'm glad you posted.
Like you, I was raised in an extremely abusive home and I know how hard it is to be able to move on after that.
When I stopped drinking, I knew for certain that I had to find some spiritual connection in my life. Without that, I knew I wouldn't make it. I have found that Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' has helped me every step of the way.
Like you, I was raised in an extremely abusive home and I know how hard it is to be able to move on after that.
When I stopped drinking, I knew for certain that I had to find some spiritual connection in my life. Without that, I knew I wouldn't make it. I have found that Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' has helped me every step of the way.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by riggedgame
If I fail to quit this time, it will only be my stubbornness, my arrogance, my staggering and inexplicable belief that I know better despite 20 years of irrefutable evidence otherwise, that stands in my way.
The Big Book pg 58
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
Reading this, as a child to a parent of an alcoholic father (and now i'm well on my way) makes me very happy that at least you are making a concious effort to stop. I grew up without my father.. he was absent for 22 years because he was a drunk. I hated him. And because of that I am now a drinker as well. He finally came back into my life recently, but if you can do it now, take that step. Make sure you are there for your son. See his first bike ride, and 16th birthday, and high school graduation. He needs you more than anything.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 113
Wow man, we are alot alike. Except for the child abuse, I'm so sorry you had to endure that. But I too am a proffesional, 36 years old, married with a 10 month old son. I sneak out after they go to bed too, and drink myself into oblivion while listening to his baby monitor hoping he doesn't wake up. My life is so dark right now, and yes eventually with alcohol we will certainly lose. So what is your plan? I have tried AA but I dread going back there. Even though I know thats where I need to be if I truly want to live a happy sober life, but what did you have in mind? Good luck...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 42
Thanks, again, everyone. Your replies are very valuable to me.
Anna, I just had the Kindle version of the Tolle book sent to me and will start reading tonight after Kickboxing class.
Wharf Rat, thanks for your PM; I can't reply directly until I reach 5 posts here, but I will when I am able.
This is just Day 3 for me, and this is not the hard part for me yet. I still feel banged up enough from my last binge that staying sober is not that difficult. It's when I start to get my legs back under me, start to physically feel a little better, that things get riskier.
An immense trigger I will need to vigilant to avoid is extended periods alone. I've been sleeping in the guest room for a long time, ostensibly to get a decent night's sleep when my son wakes up during the night and my wife attends to him, but I've kept it up because it's much easier to sleep it off in there. I've told my wife I'll be moving back into our bedroom effective immediately, which both surprised and delighted her, and I feel good about that. She's felt lonely, I know, as my alcohol-driven isolationism has increased.
I am very, very much a 'drink alone' type of alcoholic. There has been nothing social about my drinking for a long time, and my decided preference is to be completely alone when I drink; no explanations, no sidelong glances at my consumption level or speed, no propriety to observe.
As such, I have an immediate and powerful weapon at my disposal: my family, who both are available to and want to be with me pretty much all the time.
It's a strange and chilling to think about; even right now, as I type this, there is a cunning, baffling, powerful part of my brain telling me that I clearly am making too big a deal out of this, blowing things out of proportion. Why?
Because I still have so very much left to lose.
Anna, I just had the Kindle version of the Tolle book sent to me and will start reading tonight after Kickboxing class.
Wharf Rat, thanks for your PM; I can't reply directly until I reach 5 posts here, but I will when I am able.
This is just Day 3 for me, and this is not the hard part for me yet. I still feel banged up enough from my last binge that staying sober is not that difficult. It's when I start to get my legs back under me, start to physically feel a little better, that things get riskier.
An immense trigger I will need to vigilant to avoid is extended periods alone. I've been sleeping in the guest room for a long time, ostensibly to get a decent night's sleep when my son wakes up during the night and my wife attends to him, but I've kept it up because it's much easier to sleep it off in there. I've told my wife I'll be moving back into our bedroom effective immediately, which both surprised and delighted her, and I feel good about that. She's felt lonely, I know, as my alcohol-driven isolationism has increased.
I am very, very much a 'drink alone' type of alcoholic. There has been nothing social about my drinking for a long time, and my decided preference is to be completely alone when I drink; no explanations, no sidelong glances at my consumption level or speed, no propriety to observe.
As such, I have an immediate and powerful weapon at my disposal: my family, who both are available to and want to be with me pretty much all the time.
It's a strange and chilling to think about; even right now, as I type this, there is a cunning, baffling, powerful part of my brain telling me that I clearly am making too big a deal out of this, blowing things out of proportion. Why?
Because I still have so very much left to lose.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by riggedgame
I am very, very much a 'drink alone' type of alcoholic. There has been nothing social about my drinking for a long time, and my decided preference is to be completely alone when I drink; no explanations, no sidelong glances at my consumption level or speed, no propriety to observe.
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