Give them an Inch (kinda long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Give them an Inch (kinda long)
....and they take a mile - but only if I let them...and I did....
Backstory:
XH (who to the best of my knowledge is not using/drinking) always has money problems. It doesn't seem to matter how muh money he has, it is never enough. Has his car, his laptop and several other items all in hock. He is always railing how he has to live off a quarter of his income - because of that darn child support and insurance he agreed to - in court - with the help of an attorney.
Didn't have money or didn't pay what he was supposed to - whatever, don't care. First, his natural gas was cut, then his cable/internet, then his electricity.
And then, last week, he got fired, which means my child support just disappeared AGAIN. Not because he wasns't doing a good job - he is an excellent computer tech - but because of personality issues with someone higher up. Hmmm....the same reason he got fired from his last job, strangely enough. And now he is claiming he got screwed in divorce court because everything seems to work out to my advantage. Hmmm...maybe she wanted to not represent you anymore because of...personality issues?
To save my kids the humiliation of having to watch their dad suffer, I have been allowing him to shower here and watch the kids here while I work nights. But we are right back to where we were before the divorce AND I LET IT HAPPEN CAUSE I'M A DING-A-LING. No physical involvement, if you get my drift (wink, wink...um, no thanks). And no real emotional involvment either - if I have a problem, it ain't him I talk to....
I don't have a car right now so I have to borrow his to get to work and apparently that also means I have to put all the gas in it as well, no matter who is using it. We are in this mutual downward spiral of overinvolvement and financial codependence.
Right now he is threatening to go back to court and get everything re: child support and custody changes. Probably just trash talk but still pi$$ing me off and stressing me out.
I know I have the tools to get out of this but I am too stressed out to find the toolbox. And I am just tired - emotionally, spiritually, mentally tired. Wear 'em down and then blow 'em up, that's the addict's motto.
Help. Help me prioritize, line things up, get things in order. I need brains better than the ones that got me into this (i.e. mine) to help me get out.
BLECH!
Backstory:
XH (who to the best of my knowledge is not using/drinking) always has money problems. It doesn't seem to matter how muh money he has, it is never enough. Has his car, his laptop and several other items all in hock. He is always railing how he has to live off a quarter of his income - because of that darn child support and insurance he agreed to - in court - with the help of an attorney.
Didn't have money or didn't pay what he was supposed to - whatever, don't care. First, his natural gas was cut, then his cable/internet, then his electricity.
And then, last week, he got fired, which means my child support just disappeared AGAIN. Not because he wasns't doing a good job - he is an excellent computer tech - but because of personality issues with someone higher up. Hmmm....the same reason he got fired from his last job, strangely enough. And now he is claiming he got screwed in divorce court because everything seems to work out to my advantage. Hmmm...maybe she wanted to not represent you anymore because of...personality issues?
To save my kids the humiliation of having to watch their dad suffer, I have been allowing him to shower here and watch the kids here while I work nights. But we are right back to where we were before the divorce AND I LET IT HAPPEN CAUSE I'M A DING-A-LING. No physical involvement, if you get my drift (wink, wink...um, no thanks). And no real emotional involvment either - if I have a problem, it ain't him I talk to....
I don't have a car right now so I have to borrow his to get to work and apparently that also means I have to put all the gas in it as well, no matter who is using it. We are in this mutual downward spiral of overinvolvement and financial codependence.
Right now he is threatening to go back to court and get everything re: child support and custody changes. Probably just trash talk but still pi$$ing me off and stressing me out.
I know I have the tools to get out of this but I am too stressed out to find the toolbox. And I am just tired - emotionally, spiritually, mentally tired. Wear 'em down and then blow 'em up, that's the addict's motto.
Help. Help me prioritize, line things up, get things in order. I need brains better than the ones that got me into this (i.e. mine) to help me get out.
BLECH!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
He's manipulating you now. He doesn't have the money to take you to court and he's in arrears. Can you get him out of the house for now? Keep child support on files AS IS, and move on. I doubt that it's just poor financial planning on his part, most likely he's drinking or using or he wouldn't be hitting the pawn shops, etc.
How did you get to work before you let him back in? Where there's a will, there's a way and you can get through all of this. Maybe get to Al Anon and find a sponsor and work those steps of recovery. You can get that energy back so you can have a life again. I understand how horrible this all is, but you can do this.
I feel for ya.
Big hugs, love and good wishes sent your way,
How did you get to work before you let him back in? Where there's a will, there's a way and you can get through all of this. Maybe get to Al Anon and find a sponsor and work those steps of recovery. You can get that energy back so you can have a life again. I understand how horrible this all is, but you can do this.
I feel for ya.
Big hugs, love and good wishes sent your way,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I have struggled with this over time. Please remember - he is not a reflection of you and we need to teach our kids the same. It isn't their humiliation you are saving, it is his.
My xah has let his kids down in so many ways. They take that on automatically because a child see's themselves as an extension of their parent. They identify so strongly. This is why I never run their dad down and I take every opportunity to remind them that his actions do not define their worth etc. He'd tell them things about not having food or this or that and they felt bad but I reminded him that dad is an adult and he is smart and able to take care of all those things. He, too, never has any money. We (them and I) do not have to feel responsible or like it is our fault but they watch us to see how we behave, and that is what they believe.
Things have quieted down a bit and I have started to take the opportunity point out things to the older boys (mostly my 13yo) that are positive about their dad, as well as things that haven't worked out so well for him. I'm terrified they'll follow in his footsteps and I want them to know that some things just are not smart but that doesn't mean their dad is a terrible person. He has good qualities that are reflected in his children and they can find things to be proud of him for and share with their friends etc.
If it were me I'd start to make a list of what I needed to do to be completely independent of him. Focus in on that list and start crossing things off. Put the things that will get him out of your house at the top. A way to work. Childcare if he can't watch them anywhere but your house. Things like that.
As you note it is such a slippery slope. First it is visits at your house, then showers, I'm sure he eats, now you are buying his gas. Do not give in on any change of child support and don't be worried about his threats. Yes, let the man with no money, no job, no electricity, and the one whining about his ex-wife not supporting him try to get custody and a revision of child support. Puhlease.
My xah has let his kids down in so many ways. They take that on automatically because a child see's themselves as an extension of their parent. They identify so strongly. This is why I never run their dad down and I take every opportunity to remind them that his actions do not define their worth etc. He'd tell them things about not having food or this or that and they felt bad but I reminded him that dad is an adult and he is smart and able to take care of all those things. He, too, never has any money. We (them and I) do not have to feel responsible or like it is our fault but they watch us to see how we behave, and that is what they believe.
Things have quieted down a bit and I have started to take the opportunity point out things to the older boys (mostly my 13yo) that are positive about their dad, as well as things that haven't worked out so well for him. I'm terrified they'll follow in his footsteps and I want them to know that some things just are not smart but that doesn't mean their dad is a terrible person. He has good qualities that are reflected in his children and they can find things to be proud of him for and share with their friends etc.
If it were me I'd start to make a list of what I needed to do to be completely independent of him. Focus in on that list and start crossing things off. Put the things that will get him out of your house at the top. A way to work. Childcare if he can't watch them anywhere but your house. Things like that.
As you note it is such a slippery slope. First it is visits at your house, then showers, I'm sure he eats, now you are buying his gas. Do not give in on any change of child support and don't be worried about his threats. Yes, let the man with no money, no job, no electricity, and the one whining about his ex-wife not supporting him try to get custody and a revision of child support. Puhlease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Your words may say one thing but by letting him into your home your actions say it's ok to do what he does and that you're there as a fall back. Alcoholics use codependents, it relieves them of having to be a responsible adult. Is this what you want?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Just had to tell the XH to get the hell out of my apartment....
He came back from a gig to tell me about a great opportunity.....well, he tried to convince me it was for both of us, but as usual it was just for him....
Someone has offered to GIVE him a car. That's right - once more, some poor soul has generously stepped in to save the alkie! And out of the kindness of his heart, he wants me to have his car - I mean, after I pay off the $800 he owes to get it out of hawk...
I told him no, flat out. I said if the CS doesn't come through then I need the $$ I has set aside for that to keep things going here at home. He said, "What about your job?" I said, "Dude, I can take a taxi to work if I have to, or get a ride from someone and pay them some gas money. But I can't borrow an apartment!"
Needless to say, I was called stupid and a few other things before he left. He tried to tell the kids to get ready to go to his apt. for tonight but I said no way. You have no electricity, no hot water, no gas, no phone. Its here or I get an emergency babysitter (which I had in my back pocket, cause I felt this confrontation was coming).
Shaking and very upset right now - no rest before work, too shook up - another rought night, I'm afraid...sigh....
He came back from a gig to tell me about a great opportunity.....well, he tried to convince me it was for both of us, but as usual it was just for him....
Someone has offered to GIVE him a car. That's right - once more, some poor soul has generously stepped in to save the alkie! And out of the kindness of his heart, he wants me to have his car - I mean, after I pay off the $800 he owes to get it out of hawk...
I told him no, flat out. I said if the CS doesn't come through then I need the $$ I has set aside for that to keep things going here at home. He said, "What about your job?" I said, "Dude, I can take a taxi to work if I have to, or get a ride from someone and pay them some gas money. But I can't borrow an apartment!"
Needless to say, I was called stupid and a few other things before he left. He tried to tell the kids to get ready to go to his apt. for tonight but I said no way. You have no electricity, no hot water, no gas, no phone. Its here or I get an emergency babysitter (which I had in my back pocket, cause I felt this confrontation was coming).
Shaking and very upset right now - no rest before work, too shook up - another rought night, I'm afraid...sigh....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
What really burns my noodle is it seems once again fate has stepped in to save his sorry ass. Here I am, leading a right life and nothing like this ever happens to me.
However, I just got off the phone with my sister and she gave me some great advice. She said "You and the kids and your well-being come first. Nothing else matters." I told her how stupid I felt that I am 40 and can't seem to get any kind of relationship right, and I keep making the same mistakes, and how I ignored all my family the whole time I was married to him and now here I am, asking for help. She said not to worry - she did the same thing when she was married to her a-hole and that family understands.
I gotta go to work tonight so I gotta get calm and focused. After tonight I'm not scheduled to work for 4 days so that will give me some time to not be in contact with him, get my priorities straight, and figure out what to do next.
However, I just got off the phone with my sister and she gave me some great advice. She said "You and the kids and your well-being come first. Nothing else matters." I told her how stupid I felt that I am 40 and can't seem to get any kind of relationship right, and I keep making the same mistakes, and how I ignored all my family the whole time I was married to him and now here I am, asking for help. She said not to worry - she did the same thing when she was married to her a-hole and that family understands.
I gotta go to work tonight so I gotta get calm and focused. After tonight I'm not scheduled to work for 4 days so that will give me some time to not be in contact with him, get my priorities straight, and figure out what to do next.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
PurpleSquirrel and Still Waters,
I am 53, and have never felt this good about my prospects. We have been trained on the battlefield of addiction. Nope,we deserve better, and will get better. I am sure of this.
Beth
I am 53, and have never felt this good about my prospects. We have been trained on the battlefield of addiction. Nope,we deserve better, and will get better. I am sure of this.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Can you get a scooter, good used ones around here cost about $300 and you can go about 45 mph. Can't take them on hwys but you can take them on all other types of roads. It can be a stopgap until you get yourself a car.
Never rely on him for anything and never offer him assistance for anything. Sort of ironic that you feel jilted by the universe because you live a good life but get no free assistance out of nowhere and he does, when you are actually one of the people providing him free assistance out of nowhere.
Maybe get a college student to do what he was doing. Often they have cars and in exchange for free rent, she can stay with the kids and pick you up and drop you off at work.
Don't worry about his kids being humiliated watching him suffer; that's his problem, and maybe it will be a good lesson to them: don't pay your bills, don't get along with people, this is what happens.
Also you might want to reconsider how much time you are spending conversing with him. When is he getting the time to tell you all his woes and complain about child support? Stop interacting. Let him know that you will be suspending visitation until he has food, electricity, water and phone service--verified by a Child Protective Service worker.
There's really no need to interact with X's. I had 3 children between the ages of 4-7 when I divorced my severe XAH, and I NEVER talked to him about anything. We did pick up and delivery of the kids at the police station--cut down on drama, and actually cut down on visitation too, considering they frown upon turning over children to men driving drunk.
Arrearages last forever, if you have to you can garnish it out of his social security check. My ex pulled the I'm unemployed and have to have my CS reduced. He was in arrears and after a year or two of threatening it, he actually wandered into court and did it. Didn't come out again for 45 days, she put him in jail for nonpayment. Boy was he surprised. It was over Xmas too. She didn't lower it either, but told him he had to file different paperwork (he thought he could just whine his tale of woe and she'd reduce it). He had to come back to do it. He was scared to come back, and never did. She would have reduced it if he'd gotten the paperwork right, it's state law, but he couldn't handle it and never stepped foot in the courthouse again from that.
The important thing is to STOP interacting with him. Stop depending on him. Stop helping him (really are you different from the person offering him a car?). He's not your problem.
The good news:
You've almost got it all together and right. You are self supporting and taking care of your children. You have a job, a house, a sitter (not him), utilities, food, clothing. I understand it's not easy and you are strictly budgeted, but..... YOU ARE DOING IT!!!!!
Transportation will resolve itself if you keep your eye peeled for an opportunity, the sitter will resolve itself if you look for solutions. You aren't upset about those things, you are upset about your interactions with him. Get rid of those interactions with him and watch most of your upset feelings smooth out.
I know it's hard. I was a single mother on foodstamps, but I cut my XAH completley out of my life and had NO interaction with him, and I was HAPPY.
You are almost there, just one more adjustment... cut out the X.
Never rely on him for anything and never offer him assistance for anything. Sort of ironic that you feel jilted by the universe because you live a good life but get no free assistance out of nowhere and he does, when you are actually one of the people providing him free assistance out of nowhere.
Maybe get a college student to do what he was doing. Often they have cars and in exchange for free rent, she can stay with the kids and pick you up and drop you off at work.
Don't worry about his kids being humiliated watching him suffer; that's his problem, and maybe it will be a good lesson to them: don't pay your bills, don't get along with people, this is what happens.
Also you might want to reconsider how much time you are spending conversing with him. When is he getting the time to tell you all his woes and complain about child support? Stop interacting. Let him know that you will be suspending visitation until he has food, electricity, water and phone service--verified by a Child Protective Service worker.
There's really no need to interact with X's. I had 3 children between the ages of 4-7 when I divorced my severe XAH, and I NEVER talked to him about anything. We did pick up and delivery of the kids at the police station--cut down on drama, and actually cut down on visitation too, considering they frown upon turning over children to men driving drunk.
Arrearages last forever, if you have to you can garnish it out of his social security check. My ex pulled the I'm unemployed and have to have my CS reduced. He was in arrears and after a year or two of threatening it, he actually wandered into court and did it. Didn't come out again for 45 days, she put him in jail for nonpayment. Boy was he surprised. It was over Xmas too. She didn't lower it either, but told him he had to file different paperwork (he thought he could just whine his tale of woe and she'd reduce it). He had to come back to do it. He was scared to come back, and never did. She would have reduced it if he'd gotten the paperwork right, it's state law, but he couldn't handle it and never stepped foot in the courthouse again from that.
The important thing is to STOP interacting with him. Stop depending on him. Stop helping him (really are you different from the person offering him a car?). He's not your problem.
The good news:
You've almost got it all together and right. You are self supporting and taking care of your children. You have a job, a house, a sitter (not him), utilities, food, clothing. I understand it's not easy and you are strictly budgeted, but..... YOU ARE DOING IT!!!!!
Transportation will resolve itself if you keep your eye peeled for an opportunity, the sitter will resolve itself if you look for solutions. You aren't upset about those things, you are upset about your interactions with him. Get rid of those interactions with him and watch most of your upset feelings smooth out.
I know it's hard. I was a single mother on foodstamps, but I cut my XAH completley out of my life and had NO interaction with him, and I was HAPPY.
You are almost there, just one more adjustment... cut out the X.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Oh joy! Now his go-to sugar momma is gonna pay off his car so he can sell it. So gets $$ for old car, gets another for free....this is really yanking my chain....
I'm trying to remind myself that he will probably end up with is butt in a financial sling again in the near future, but when this interfering busybody keeps rescuing him he won't learn a damn thing....
Not to mention that I have kinda figured out that he is trying to transfer most of his income to under the table type stuff so he doesn't have to pay child support....gee, didn't see that one coming....
I'm trying to remind myself that he will probably end up with is butt in a financial sling again in the near future, but when this interfering busybody keeps rescuing him he won't learn a damn thing....
Not to mention that I have kinda figured out that he is trying to transfer most of his income to under the table type stuff so he doesn't have to pay child support....gee, didn't see that one coming....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
All I can say is that it is time to start learning from your mistakes, it is not so much the circumstance you are involved in...it's how you handle it.
I am sorry about this mess, keep moving forward, leave him in your dust.
I am sorry about this mess, keep moving forward, leave him in your dust.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I'm trying to adopt the motto "The best revenge is a life well lived" but it is hard. Found out from my daughter today he has been chatting them up about moving in with him and will probably be trying to get custody of them both and move into a bigger apartment upstairs from the one he has now.
Spinning, angry, unfocused - but I know better than to let him see that. So I guess it is now back to the way it was - never let 'em see ya sweat, pray a lot, take care of myself and do my readings. Also gonna try to hit some online meetings since I don't have a car.
GRRRR.
Spinning, angry, unfocused - but I know better than to let him see that. So I guess it is now back to the way it was - never let 'em see ya sweat, pray a lot, take care of myself and do my readings. Also gonna try to hit some online meetings since I don't have a car.
GRRRR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel 
Oh joy! Now his go-to sugar momma is gonna pay off his car so he can sell it. So gets $$ for old car, gets another for free....this is really yanking my chain...
Maybe it's true, maybe not. Maybe it's true, but trust me, Sugar Momma's give gifts with strings attached, and he doesn't do attached strings. It will end ugly. It always does. Free cars aren't good cars, and are never really 'free'. Let him make his devil's deals. They have nothing to do with you. Look at yourself, jealous of an addict. Do you really want his life? Would you rather be him than yourself? Would you swap places with him?
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
I'm trying to remind myself that he will probably end up with is butt in a financial sling again in the near future, but when this interfering busybody keeps rescuing him he won't learn a damn thing...
The truth is if you really want one there's a sugar daddy out there for you and will give you $800 for debasing yourself. Do you really want to give up your independence, as precarious as it seems now, for eternal dependence on the kindness of strangers---and all the lying and manipulation and prostitution that goes along with it?
Stop worrying about what he's learning, and focus on what YOU are learning. What have you learned from this last episode of mutual 'helping'?
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
Not to mention that I have kinda figured out that he is trying to transfer most of his income to under the table type stuff so he doesn't have to pay child support...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
Found out from my daughter today he has been chatting them up about moving in with him and will probably be trying to get custody of them both and move into a bigger apartment upstairs from the one he has now.
All he's doing is damaging his relationship with his kids, one broken promise and crazy delusion at a time.
You should just smile at crazy talk like that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I'm really hating on myself more than anything right now because I pretty much just let this happen. Little by little, through inattention and fatigue, I let myself get enmeshed and overinvolved and just plain crazy. In "Beyond Codependency", Beattie (God I love her) calls it recycling. I'm pretty much doing all the things she mentions - playing the victim, feeling pretty worthless, returning to crazymaking behavior like not sleeping, getting overwhelmed and run-down.
Damn, she is so smart.
I keep forgetting that it works if you work it. I wish I could just deal with it, put it away, and never have to deal with my codie issues again. But I think that I am coming to the realization that this will be a lifelong challenge for me and although I can work it hard or work it soft, I still have to work it. I probably won't ever be able to not challenge myself (in a good way) over my codie issues - boundaries, appropriate intimacy, self love, detachment (just to name a few).
Sigh....
Damn, she is so smart.
I keep forgetting that it works if you work it. I wish I could just deal with it, put it away, and never have to deal with my codie issues again. But I think that I am coming to the realization that this will be a lifelong challenge for me and although I can work it hard or work it soft, I still have to work it. I probably won't ever be able to not challenge myself (in a good way) over my codie issues - boundaries, appropriate intimacy, self love, detachment (just to name a few).
Sigh....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
