losingmygrip

Im new here and I wanted to try and reach out before i do something stupid. I have five years sober this month, and I've been thinking about drinking a lot. I drove to a liquor store but didn't get out of the car. I'm just feeling that old feeling again, that I want to hit the self destruct button. Things have been really tough in my marriage lately, as my husband deceived me for like a year, he was using oxy's and spent $20000, who knows what else he did. I'm trying to find forgiveness, but there is a lot of rage and mistrust in my heart. He is now on suboxone, staying clean but kind of in his own world. I'm terribly lonely now and I want to make the hurting stop. We have two kids who need me here and sober. A bunch of alcoholics helped me get sober in aa, and I'm grateful for the grace I was given. I stopped going to meetings a long time ago because it causes discord in my marriage. I'm hoping for some words of wisdom from you fine people. Bless you and thank you in advance.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now.

Would it be possible for you and your husband to get marriage counselling to help you deal with some of the emotions you're feeling?

There is lots of support here!

Luling

Welcome!

Why did the meetings cause you marital discord? It seems that if they were helping you, it might be worth going back. You've been sober for almost five years -- that is an amazing accomplishment to be proud of. Sorry about the problems you've been having. You'll find a lot of support right here on this forum.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

Go to you tube and search: the 4 seasons of recovery (by Don C.). He discusses how we go through changes and by the 5th year, there is more change...it kind of explains why 5, 10, 15 years of sobriety can be a bit "off" for us.

Glad you are here!

losingmygrip

He refuses counseling, I was going alone for a while but frankly I can't afford it at $60 a pop. I did go to an aa meeting recently and some alanon too but it was really difficult to get away and hide it from my husband. He hates aa and gets really jealous.

Sapling

The guy just spent 20 grand on oxys...Are you going to let him dictate your sobriety?

Jeni26

Erm....he's jealous of AA?!?
More likely, he prefers you to be under his control, and not have your own opinions. Sounds like he feels threatened rather than jealous?!

losingmygrip

I guess I still have a lot of codependent issues to work on, but he already relapsed once, it was awful and painful and scary. I may be trying to not do anything to upset him, I want him to stay clean, i want my family to stay together, I'm trying to control something I have no control over. But I'm afraid to upset him, when he "dissapears" into his drugs I die inside.

losingmygrip

He has said he thinks aa is where sober people go to get laid. I know its absurd and untrue (for most), but I'm confused about roles in marriage. If something truly bothers the other person, is it worth it?

debsam

LMG,

I think it's pretty critical that you take some immediate action to maintain the sobriety you have. Point blank, never mind what your husband feels about AA. You've got yourself and two kids to think about here....if you don't, you'll be losing more than just your grip.

Do what ever you need to do and get some outside support. Glad to have you with us here at SR.

Big hugs....you can do this.

Sapling

Maybe it's time for you to make some changes in your life...Going back to drinking shouldn't be one of them.

pinkdog

Hi. 5 years is awesome to me. I'm 2 yrs. I equate drinking with self-destruction too. Don't do it pal! Don't let an offday mess you up. Hugs to you. Try the urge surfing. It helps me so much!

losingmygrip

Please tell me more about this urge surfing???

Jeni26

Don't drink. 5 years is fantastic. How will drinking improve things for you right now?
Do you still have any phone numbers of anyone in AA? Time to use them.
Lots of love being sent your way xx
Marriage is about compromise, not just giving in to the other person, especially when to do so, would result in such damaging consequences for you x

Sapling

I don't think urge surfing is going to solve this...Counceling maybe.

Jeff63

In my opinion, you cannot change your drinking habits without changing your environment.

So, a few things. You drove to the liquor store, No one drove you or brought it to you. A bunch of alcoholics helped you to get sober, you're one too (so am I), your husband spent $20,000 on oxy's yet you cannot spend $60 on therapy.

So, what comes to mind is an old saying "control your destiny or someone else will". Someone is controlling your destiny right now.

You can accept it and make all the excuses you can to stay in that environment, or you can change your environment and control your destiny. You are not the first to be in this situation, nor the last. Read the boards and you'll see many here. Some accept their situation and eventually start drinking again. Oh they like to complain about it, but they don't change it. Then there are those that DO something about it. They don't make excuses because they realize that they will eventually die from this disease, and being healthy is better than being dead.

This is a wonderful place, but these people are not doctor's (at least not many) and cannot dispense medical advice on these boards. I don't know what you are looking for, but whatever it is, it will have to start and end with you... you're resolve to approach and overcome this. 5 years sober is great and that shouldn't be taken lightly. It should be treasured and grown.

And please don't take this opinion wrong (if I didn't care I would not have posted). No one really cares about your sobriety, except for you and maybe your immediate family. And only because it lessen's the drama surrounding them. My point is, do this for yourself. That's who it is for anyways. Evaluate where you are and what's important to you. Then take action. Come back to this post a year after and look at what you wrote.

Good luck to you.

Sapling

Great post Jeff!

gordano

"we have two kids who need me here and sober."

This should be all you need.

MsJax

Hi losingmygrip. After 6.5 years of sobriety I drank again. Went on a 4.5 year bender. My former partner of 16 years was very deceitful as well. I know there is always a lot of talk about "working things out", getting couples counseling etc. but sometimes relationships just need to be done. If he is jealous of you going to AA that is a huge issue, plus the other deceit. My former partner left me in late 2009, I got sober in March of 2011 & I'll tell you what, those 2 things are the best things that have ever happened to me. I know sobriety is up to the individual & I always take full responsibility for my actions, but never again will I be in a relationship with someone that makes me want to drink. Please don't pick up, like I did, after your lengthy & commendable sobriety.

Sapling

You have a lot of great advice here losingmygrip...Even if you have to step away from it and read it again later. Nobody knows alkies and addicts....Like alkies and addicts.