Jeni26

I used to think I was a fast learner. I did well at school, worked hard. I could skim read books and pretty well get them on the first time of reading. I would devour literature and move on.
But this sobriety thing, well that's just not the same at all. I've got to listen and I've got to be ready to hear! I've got to be prepared to listen again and again until I really get it. I've got to shelve all the perceptions I held about who I am and be willing to discover the real me.
This is tricky stuff. I need to be brave and honest and humble. I mustn't over complicate things. I need to stop thinking I can manage things, stop being so fiercely independent. It's ok to ask for help as long as I follow advice and not try to question everything.
I've got to be patient! Never a strong point of mine.
I always want to solve something and move right on to the next thing.
I am listening and I'm ready to learn now.
15 days sober, and 10 weeks of going to AA meetings later.....think I'm finally getting it!!!

Sapling

You probably hear "How it Works" read at every meeting...This is a very important line Jeni...

Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

sugarbear1

read chapter 11, A Vision For You...more inspiration!

Jeni26

Thanks. I've had a copy of the BB next to my bed for months! Now I might actually be ready to read it properly instead of just delving in and out....

Sapling

Every time I read that book I get something different out of it. It's a text book...A design for living.

2granddaughters

When I change the way I look at things... the things I look at change.

Yes, the oldtimers said that I need "balance and moderation" in my life.
Try applying that if you're an alcoholic !! Neither balance nor moderation seem "natural states".

All the best Jeni

Jeni26

Balance and moderation..... Wow, I don't do either!!!

stillsleeping

You've moderated your exercise plan :rotfxko

Score!

Jeni26

Ha ha! Oh yes, I forgot about that SS!! You're so right...that has been well and truly moderated!!x

stillsleeping

hypochondriac

I get the whole fiercely independent thing and I certainly don't moderate anything. It's always all or nothing. But the balance thing I've been working on for a while, I reckon higher education gave me that, always having to look at both sides of the argument and be able to present them coherently. I think it changed my life. I still have that kick back response most of the time but I always stop and think which I never did before, and I don't see it as a weakness to change your mind. I was so stubborn.

I'm with you on this Jeni. Humbleness and a willingness to learn is probably the best place to be in all this x

Jeni26

Yes, I'm always constantly humbled by other peoples willingness to bare their souls and talk honesty. I've spent years hiding from that sort of display of emotion. At Fridays AA meeting, one of the women cried all the way through it. It was absolutely ok with everyone. Maybe it's that British way of keeping a stiff upper lip that we are raised with? Maybe it's just the way I was raised which was certainly 'different'. We all walked on eggshells as kids as there were frequent drunken outbursts from my dad. However it happened, I grew up thinking emotion was wrong, a bit scary in fact. So I learned to bury mine. Usually behind bottles of wine and vodka!
Now I'm re-learning all that. Bravery isn't hiding, it's facing things head on!x

stillsleeping

I agree, but I'm miles from doing it. Not good at showing vulnerability. It always amazes me how you guys do that.

artsoul

I can totally relate! Like you said, it's about learning to let go of that control (which we don't really have anyway!) ...... We're so busy figuring out how we can push the river that we don't realize how much nicer it is to let it flow and ride with it, enjoying the scenery. In a way, it's like we torture ourselves trying to make everything OK and we're the ones who suffer.

I'm much happier when I keep it simple and stay in the moment, and when I'm not all up in my head. (I saw a quote that said "misery is almost always the result of thinking!") Besides, I'm just tired of figuring it all out and trying to do it all - it just wears you out!

Have a great day, Jeni - be good to yourself!:ghug3

Jeni26

It really is ok Still. You have to be able to trust those around you though. And trust takes time xxx

desertsong

That one gets me every time, Sapling. The other ones are "We tried to find an easier, softer way, but we could not." (oh yes, that was ME!) And, "Remember that we deal with alcohol ... cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help it is too much for us."

You're doing great, Jeni. Keep on keepin' on!:ghug3

Luling

I have that same hang-up myself. To be honest, this is one of the things that scares me about AA. I really don't want to cry in front of people; all crying is to be done after 11:00 p.m. at night, after everyone is in bed, in the privacy of my study. Isn't that normal?

Itchy

2G I love that!

Jeni, great thread! If you think it is tough being British, try being a guy in any culture. But that early conditioning about feelings you got, I fortunately didn't have.

I had no problems tearing up at AA. I sometimes still do when visiting and see the pain and courage.
You go girl!

Jeni26

Oh I'm just the same! I can talk about my vulnerabilities openly on here, because I don't know you!
I never cry in front of others, never!
Im great with dealing with others who are upset mind you. And now I can appreciate that crying is ok, and talking and sharing stuff is ok too xx

Sapling

I think crying is just letting out emotions that you covered up for years with alcohol...What better place to do it than in a room full of people just like you?...Alcoholics. They understand. I had a lady in my meeting this morning...Cried for five minutes straight. Some biker got up and brought her a box of tissues...She felt great after...And was talking to a couple women when I left. Crying is pretty normal in AA....So is laughing. Covering up those emotions with alcohol is what isn't normal.