Donnylutz

Made it two weeks......thought I was over the hump....

Now I''m drunk and wondering how I am typing in complete sentences.....

And a boy is coming over to **** me (safe only.....never been drunk enought to play unsafe........always happy I never tired meth as I know if I did I would most likely just be dead............)

I'm going to be so mad at myself tomorrow. I'm doing treatment, I'm going to AA......I'm doing everything I can to stay sober.................and when I have night off.......no work the next day, no skating (I'm competing in the regional championships next weekend) I just can't help it...........the old me comes out......I'm drunk, horny, and looking.......................

I'm so going to cry about this post tomorrow.........................I no longer belong to the June class..............................I've failed yet again............I just hate myself.......I've never thought about suicide until now......I'm so sick of putting my family and loved ones through this...............................No, I won't kill myself......that will only make things worse....but it's in my head which scares the **** out of me..................



Ugh..................................My June 3rd recovery date is now null and void

Dee74

There's no reason to give up Donny....many of us underestimated the task.

but I think you probably need to look at your recovery programme and think very carefully about what you need to add to it...

whether it's more meeting, more steps, more support, sober people to call when you feel like this...I don't know, thats up to you.

But I do know you can beat this - if you're prepared to do what it takes.

The thing is - this is a marathon, not a sprint - you need to be committed for a lot of changes and for the long haul...addiction is one heck of a patient foe.

You can pull out of the dive any time you like Donny

D

ttbp

Never give up. YOU can do this. Hugs xxxx

ACT10Npack

Donnylutz, you don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Try to just go to sleep and get your head start. Saying things that your going to do when drunk will like shooting a gun in the water. It does not help. Clean up, get your head start and decide what's your next to your sobriety.

RyanRed

Been in your shoes countless times. Before I officially got sober last year. I was on that same craptastic rollarcoaster.

I hated drinking, I really did! But I would go back to it time and time again. I'd wake up some mornings, and say "Ok! Today I stop drinking!" Hell, it would work for a few days, or maybe even a week, but I'd always fall right back into it by some small trigger. Triggers are everywhere. They come in all shapes, and forms. Some come in the shape of a song that plays on the radio, or a tid bit of exciting news, a passive memory, a smell, stress, hell were alcoholics EVERYTHING A DAMN TRIGGER.. Am I right? "Hey look at that. Buy one get one free on 2 liters of coke! Good deal.. hmmm" TRIGGER!

But I understand. I remember those times all to clearly. Be on a good week stretch sober, and fall right back into drinking. Wake up the next morning screaming at myself in my head. But that only lasted but 10-20 mins. Sure.. I might passively think about it through the day. But it didn't matter. Why? Because "I AM" an alcoholic.. Thats why. The alcoholic mind would quickly take over because it was my friend. It would comfort me. Tell me its alright Ryan!!! Then pour me a drink. "Welp! You tried! Its rough out there Ryan! You tried, and thats all that matters. Drink this, and try again some other time." I believed that too. But in reality, all that alcoholic mind was ever doing was slowly getting a tighter and tiger grasp around my personal free will. And boy ob boy did it get a tight freakin grasp.. for years!

So I know what your going through. Been there, done that, brought the damn t-shirt. Hell I got a closet full of them!

But it wasnt until the day I REALLY REALLY looked at myself in the mirror and said "WTF!!!!!" Ill never forger that day. I looked into the mirror, and had NO CLUE who the hell I was looking at. I looked like crap. Felt like crap. I was crap.. Wait wait.. Lemmie take that back. I was not crap. I was still in there, but you just couldn't see me. I had buried myself under so much BS self pity, lies, recite, and so much other garbage, I was no where to be seen. My eyes stared back, and they were just blank as if I was in a coma. Scarey scarey feeling my friend.

That was the day I knew I had to change. The passive BS I would tell myself about quitting was simply that. BS. I would lie and lie to myself all the time. Hell... id even believe it. You KNOW your screwed up when you can lie to yourself, KNOW your lieing, and freakin believe it.. hahaha how crazy is that?

Anyways, Ive been there. I know whats going through your mind. I know how you feel. All I can recommend is look deep deep DEEP down inside yourself. Really wanting to quit drinking is something you REALLY have to want. And I mean REAALLLLLYYY want to want. Don't just "want it" but "know it!" Very much two different things.

I wish the best to you, and if you ever need extra advice I would freely dispense it. Were all in this together my friend. Just realize your not alone in your battles. You have an army of people sitting right here.

Stay Strong!

-Ryan

instant

The date may go , but as long as the idea lives on and you have another go you will get there. The fact that you posted this indicates even when using you remained ambivalent- I guess that is actually a very good thing.

Go easy on yourself and keep yourself safe

Sapling

This is more of an all or nothing deal...If you are an alcoholic like I am....This is something you will have to work on the rest of your life. Find some kind of recovery program and work it. Drinking won't get better with time.

micealc

Great advice. been given....I slipped dozens of times.
I eventually threw in the Towel when I could no longer drink.
It got so bad I needed it to try and Eat something....Terrible.
My way was AA....it saved my life.....Support...or should I say No Support from My Wife helped me to wake up....I nearly lost everything.
Im 26 years Sober Today....but that no boast....If you got up this mourning before me,your longer sober today than I am....It all about what you do today.

nonblondechef

Donnylutz, today is June 10 and can be your new flyingsober-lutz date. You skate. You are obviously very good. Remember how many times you hit the ice? Did you quit? Did you give up? Nope - you got up, brushed off the shavings, put a smile on your face and got back on track. Sharpen your blades, tighten your laces and keep progressing towards the perfect figure 8. Compulsary exercises are tedious, correct? Early sobriety is as well, but by keeping your eye on the prize it is so very worth it. Chin up, doll - get back out there. We are all rooting for you and I'd bet dollars to donuts that your June class is waiting with open arms just waiting for you to join them.

WillS

You'll let go when you're ready to do so.... the day will come,my friend!

sugarbear1

You can stay stopped! I'm rooting for you!

2granddaughters

Donny, are you going to AA or committed to AA ? Do you have a sponsor, a home group, do you get active in your group? Do you go to meetings as often as you drank?

Commitment vs. Involvement is like a bacon & egg breakfast. The chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

There is no hump to get over.. don't look for a hump.
What we have is "a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition"

"Made it two weeks......thought I was over the hump..."
How good a skater were you after 2 weeks ??... and this will be far harder and far more serious.

All the best.

Bob R

Zencat

Never give up on recovery Donny because the alternative is a path to an early death...or worse.

Thank you Ryan for your very helpful post.