So I told her to shut the eff up...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
So I told her to shut the eff up...
Day twenty-something and I had my first real battle with the AV, that lasted pretty much all day. It started in my impaired driving course when people began discussing how they planned on "cutting down" their drinking. She kept whispering to me, saying if these people are just cutting down, surely you can have just one last bottle of wine. "No one will know."
And then I found myself pissed off... not with HER, but with myself, for not being able to take a chance like having a bottle of wine without other people finding out. Angry at myself because I could never limit my alcohol intake to ensure I wouldn't black out... Disappointed because I couldn't be trusted to not break the law or call the ex after cracking open a bottle. She made me feel jealous, not only of those who CAN just have a few, but also of those who have slipped in their recovery. I wanted to slip, crash, burn, so badly. Why can't I slip just one last time?
This literally went on for hours. A family member picked me up from my course and on the way home I broke down. I was crying and yelling about the "injustice" I have been served by not being able to drink. My voice of logic and empathy would chime in every once in awhile and think of those born with VALID restrictions to be upset about -- like not being able to see, not being able to run, walk, swim etc... but the voice just kept coming on strong, leaving me feeling bitter because I cannot drink.
When I was finally alone, I started thinking about what I could even begin to say to others when they found out I drank again, after losing almost EVERYTHING to alcohol. I thought of the likelihood of being able to stop drinking, if I found myself being able to get away with it this time -- which realistically would be highly unlikely until the next detrimental drinking binge. I pictured the smug nature of my ex, after I would contact him intoxicated, feeling completely right in his opinion that I will never change. I remembered the horror I felt the last time I thought to myself "no one will know" and woke up in a jail cell, not knowing how I got there. I filled with fear when it occurred to me, if I don't kill this NOW, I'm never going to.
After hours of harassment, I told her to shut the eff up.
EXM6 1 - AV 0
Good night everyone, I'm exhausted.
And then I found myself pissed off... not with HER, but with myself, for not being able to take a chance like having a bottle of wine without other people finding out. Angry at myself because I could never limit my alcohol intake to ensure I wouldn't black out... Disappointed because I couldn't be trusted to not break the law or call the ex after cracking open a bottle. She made me feel jealous, not only of those who CAN just have a few, but also of those who have slipped in their recovery. I wanted to slip, crash, burn, so badly. Why can't I slip just one last time?
This literally went on for hours. A family member picked me up from my course and on the way home I broke down. I was crying and yelling about the "injustice" I have been served by not being able to drink. My voice of logic and empathy would chime in every once in awhile and think of those born with VALID restrictions to be upset about -- like not being able to see, not being able to run, walk, swim etc... but the voice just kept coming on strong, leaving me feeling bitter because I cannot drink.
When I was finally alone, I started thinking about what I could even begin to say to others when they found out I drank again, after losing almost EVERYTHING to alcohol. I thought of the likelihood of being able to stop drinking, if I found myself being able to get away with it this time -- which realistically would be highly unlikely until the next detrimental drinking binge. I pictured the smug nature of my ex, after I would contact him intoxicated, feeling completely right in his opinion that I will never change. I remembered the horror I felt the last time I thought to myself "no one will know" and woke up in a jail cell, not knowing how I got there. I filled with fear when it occurred to me, if I don't kill this NOW, I'm never going to.
After hours of harassment, I told her to shut the eff up.
EXM6 1 - AV 0
Good night everyone, I'm exhausted.
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