need 2 let it all out!

Old 06-09-2012, 04:06 PM
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Unhappy need 2 let it all out!

Hi, its so hard to know where to start with this, I came across this group on google, I suppose I was searching for someone who might be in the same situation as me....
I met my boyfriend nearly 5 years ago (Im 25, hes 28) he has been an Iv heroin addict since he was 15. Personally, Ive never tried any drugs and I didnt know what a rollercoaster I was letting myself in for. When we met he told me "If I had you, Id give up the drugs" naively, I believed him (very inexperienced with addiction at the time!)
Anyway, so we got together and although I knew he was using heroin, I felt he would be off it soon and that would be that! Stupid I know....
It eventually got to the point where I was badgering him constantly about why he hadnt got off it yet, why did he feel the need to do drugs when we could have spent the money on doing things together?!
By this point I was already so in love with him I couldnt just walk away, although it would have been the best thing for me.
He had a job as an electrical engineer and used to use heroin before work, on his breaks and a couple of times when he got home. He eventually lost his job and kept "borrowing" money off his grandma. He was using more & more everyday, I suppose since he lost his job it helped to fill the time. After borrowing thousands off his grandma through lieing "I need rent money" or "I havent ate for 3 days" etc, she eventually saw through him and got a restraining order against him. Of course because he couldnt find money elsewhere and he knew his gran was an easy target he went to see her and got caught. He went to jail for 8 weeks. He wrote to me all the time in prison, promising me the world, he said hed never touch drugs again.
He finished his sentence, within 24 hours he had a needle full of smack in his arm. He point blank refused he had touched anything. I would constantly be on edge, hunting the house for drugs/needles and I ALWAYS without fail found them! He swore they were what Id missed from what hed used previously. I knew he was lieing but me being an idiot, I just carried on with life and let him get away with it. Anything to save an argument about the same thing over & over again...
This went on for over a year, we would be doing normal things, watching tv together or whatever, he would go to the bathroom and I would sit downstairs watching the clock, sometimes over an hour would go by and Id be scared to death he had overdosed but I knew that if he hadnt and he was just struggling to get the needle in, then I would be the one to blame for going upstairs to see if he was ok. He always came down eventually with pin head eyes and would be asleep within minutes of sitting back down or if I was talking to him his eyes would be rolling, he still denied he had done anything.
All we did was argue about smack. It was something Id never seen before meeting him and I would never have dreamt the love of my life would be an addict. So anyway, same story again, he struggles to feed his habit and goes back to his gran for more money. Gets caught again, 10 weeks jail this time. At the beginning it was such a relief, his habit was killing him and breaking me to the point of doing something stupid myself. He made me feel so worthless, all that went on in my head was, how can this drug come before me and his family when I do nothing but try and make him happy? Ill never truly understand it from an addicts point of view.
So he wrote to me from jail again, promised me things would be different this time and he really opened up to me for the first time without getting angry. He knew it was down to him and he also knew the only person that could change it was him. We got on so well while he was in prison, it was like falling in love all over again and meeting the real person and not the addict.
He came home and for 5 whole days life was perfect, he made time for me, gave me all the affection Id craved for so long and was everything I wanted and needed him to be.
Those 5 days were the best time we ever had together, dont get me wrong, when things were good, they were amazing and I know why Id stood by him so long. He made me feel so comfortable and was the funniest and most beautiful person Id ever met.
Then things started to go wrong, he would get agitated over nothing and start to pick fights with me, I think he was looking for an excuse to go and do heroin again. His "friend" came round one night and was telling him he was going to score, I cant tell you how mad I was. He couldnt bare the thought that my bf was clean and he wasnt so he tried to bring him back down to his level. Which he succeeded in doing. Once again I started to find needles in the house and my bf was back to his old ways of ignoring me and sneaking off and lying about where he was. He stole from me and sold everything we had that was worth anything. He ran out before long and stupidly went to his gran again. 3 months after his last release, he got sent back to prison again. He is still there now. He got 13 weeks this time. Im having to lie to everyone I know about where he is. I told my family he got a job and works away a lot, theyre really pleased hes "working" and is finally starting to do something with his life.
It makes me feel like crap cos I have to be like "yeah im so proud of him, thank god he finally got a job!" and its wearing me down now. I dont know how much longer I can keep it up. Theres no way on earth I can tell them about his addiction. Im not ashamed of him cos I love him but I know they wouldnt understand and would just go crazy at me. Hes been in prison for nearly 7 weeks now and I feel so down. I see my friends with their boyfriends and they moan about silly little things and I cant help but be jealous and wish that I had such a simple life without having to worry about smack every waking moment.
Hes told me that hes got off methadone and will be coming out of jail on nothing but blockers. He told me he'd relapsed before as he was on methadone and his prescription wasnt right. He said he will never let me down again and Im so desperate to believe him. 3rd time lucky right? Or am I just kidding myself? I know what Id say to me if I was the other person reading this. Id say get out while you can as he'll never change. But when he went to court he chose to go to jail so he could do rehab (they gave him an option of jail or 3 weekly drugs tests which hes done before and always used to fake so he got a negative) My heart is telling me that he really does want to get clean if he put himself into prison to do rehab again but my head is telling me he'll never change. I dont know if anyone will reply but it felt good just to tell my story (lots missed out) because other than my bfs family, nobody knows hes an addict. This is whats messing my head up. I have no one to talk to who wont judge. Ive kept this inside for 5 years now and having to make excuses for the way he is, is getting too much to bare.
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:26 PM
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He is an active user who is not in recovery. His disease is a progressive disease that will continue to get worse unless he works a strong recovery program and stays clean for life and there is no cure, he will be an addict all his life. The possibility of him staying clean for life is less than 10%.

You are codependent, lieing for him is one sign, having no bounderies and allowing him back in your life time after time are a couple of others.

I would suggest that you read Codependent No More, locate Naranon meetings in your area and read all the stickeys at the top of this forum. Knowledge is power as you have become as sick as he is. His recovery is up to him and yours is up to you.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this disease, however, there is a way out for you, it is up to you to make the right decision for you.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:30 PM
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Thank you for replying, its my first day on this site and Im so glad I found it, Ive felt alone in this for 5 years and im finally realising its not just me!
You are right in what you say, I have become as sick as he is. The truth helps from an outsider looking in. Its amazing how hard it is to walk away when you know its the right thing to do!
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:33 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this, sweetheart. You deserve so much better. Your story is not unusual. There are many people here who are in relationships with addicts, who keep giving them the benefit of the doubt and hoping that there is something they can do or say that will make their addict snap to attention and realize what they are doing to themselves. Unfortunately, that rarely happens.

As I said, you deserve so much more than what you are getting from this relationship. I hope you will continue to come here and post and read the stories of others who are going through, or have gone through the same things. You will find so much support here. There is nothing you can do for your boyfriend, but there is much you can do for yourself and we will help you in any way we can. You are not alone.
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:34 PM
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Hi and I'm glad that you found us. I've been to Derbyshire before and it's really a beautiful place. My grandfather came from Litchfield many years ago.

5 years is a really long time to keep something inside and it sounds like you've gone through a whole lot. Loving someone with an addiction is devastating....and I know for me, it created my own addiction - which was my then boyfriend (who became my husband). Unfortunately, it's really true...we can become as sick as the addicts that we love without even realizing it.

The fact that you are reaching out is a really good sign. You can make your decisions at your own pace - which is exactly what I did. I know that I now regret that I didn't get to where I am sooner but we all grow at our own pace - and mine was rather slow. The best things that I did for myself were to stay connected to this forum (no matter what), start working my own recovery program (in Naranon and Alanon), got a sponsor and worked the steps, and learned everything I possibly could about addicition. You can start gathering information by reading the stickies at the top of our forum and also by reading Melody Beattie's books (Co-dependent No More is a good place to start).

There is a way out of the pain and you can find it - there are people that have been where you are and the priniciples of recovery are to reach out to those that seek help.

I am sorry for your pain. The best thing that I ever did was start to focus on me - and not my addict. It was hard because I loved him soooooooo much. But I can promise you, this recovery program works if you work it. The only person that any of us can really save is ourself.

Hope that you'll stick around!
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Old 06-09-2012, 05:14 PM
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Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found us.

An active addict is going to use until they decide to stop. There is nothing you can do to make him stop. If our love could cure the addicts in our lives, not one of us would be here.

Stick around. Read. Learn. Ask questions. Be prepared for some truths that may be hard to swallow. Pick up some good books. Consider going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings or any other meeting that may be in your area to support the friends and family of alcoholics/addicts.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-09-2012, 05:37 PM
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You are in good company on this site. Your head and heart don't speak the same language. Many times it's best to listed to the head talk and try not to think about the heart, though it is so difficult.

Please read from the "stickies" at the top of this site. Listen carefully. You have a life. You deserve a life without drama from one who doesn't want to get clean as badly as you want it for him. We've all been there and in many cases, still are. It's so difficult.
Dear, he needs a year or so of clean and sober before you are in a relationship with him.

There are many on this board much wiser than I. My addict is my son. It hurts! We understand your pain. Try to take care of yourself. Read all you can. Don't cover up for him. Chances are, more know than you may think.

We care.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:30 AM
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Thanks everyone, its difficult to know how to stop giving that "one last chance" Its hard to get away from the mindset that I feel like I need to help him, because nobody else will.
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Old 06-10-2012, 03:32 AM
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Its true what you say lightseeker, I think he has become my addiction. I forget about myself and everyone around me and my whole world revolves around him. Its hard to give it up x
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Old 06-10-2012, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetheart25 View Post
Its difficult to know how to stop giving that "one last chance" Its hard to get away from the mindset that I feel like I need to help him, because nobody else will.
Wow, do I ever know what that feels like! Welcome to SR.
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Old 06-10-2012, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
how many times has he been to jail? 4? 5?
this is the 3rd time
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