JellyBean123

I guess I just need a success story or something?
Has anyone ever overcome the alcoholic significant other without divorce or anything? Did anyone do it together? It seems no marriage ever survives alcoholism and recovery. Is there no hope?

angrywife

There are some but not many. I've read success stories in my Alanon books. The addicted spouse must be dedicated to really working a 12 step program as well as the codie spouse. It seems most addicts are rarely willing to surrender completely and put in the work it requires.

Windmills

I think for a lot of people there is way too much water under the bridge. For a marriage to work out both partners need to be working on themselves AND the relationship. Both need to be completely focused and committed. For me, I couldn't ever go back there even if a miracle happened and he got 5 years in recovery.

sweetteewalls

Jelly Bean, I know where you're coming from. I used to ask myself same questions. Truth is, it is extremely hard and both parties have to be willing to do the individual work over a long period of time. Any less, never works.

LDT

I don't know what the stats are for marriages surviving alcoholism. All I can do is tell you that mine did. I am the alcoholic wife, married almost 28 years now, and almost 500 days sober. My husband said " I want my wife back"...so I gave her to him. I believe that if the alcoholic shows a true desire and effort to become and remain sober, and the marriage is based on a strong friendship from the beginning, any obstacle can be overcome. At least that is what's happening in my case. We're both willing to do the work.....whatever it takes. I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

Hopeworks

A year ago I used to be someone who posted on here that I was one of the lucky ones as my A had been doing so well in recovery... I like to think of those as my Pollyanna days.

I desperately wanted to believe that my A would be one of the few that made it and it sure looked like he would for a long time... but then you could see it slipping away ever so slowly day by day. He stopped going to meetings and his quiet and reading time got shorter and shorter until he started forgetting that too. They call it building up to drink (BUD) and I commented on it and offered to go to open meetings if he wished. He didn't.

So.... I kept working on me and simply let him know AGAIN that I had no more relapses in me and set boundaries. The inevitable happened... he drank (this is what alcoholics do) and I removed him from my life permanently.

The purpose of sharing that is OK to hope that your A is going to be one of the very, very few that find their way out. If he does it may not become the Utopia and happy ending you envision and are hoping for (but it might) and even if he were to become sober he could relapse at any time... 1 day 1 year 20 years down the road.

My ES and H is that you hope for the best but plan for the worst. TAke care of you and your own recovery. Set boundaries... enforce them firmly.

And personally... I would never ever marry an alcoholic drinking or abstinent. Life is simply too short and can be such a wonderful place when it is alcohol and drama free.

marie1960

The success story is YOU !!!

You have completed your education.
You have battled cancer.
You take care of your kids and your home.

I commend you for your endurance, and strength.

Best to keep the focus on you and the kids.

We pay attention to the actions not the words. Has your husband started a recovery program?

Wishing and hoping cannot cure the horrid disease.

dollydo

There are a few sucess stories. In my group there were 2, both women, however, it is now down to 1 as one went on a binge the night of her 20th year sober and her husband left her, to my knowledge she is still drinking. The other is a woman about 60
years old, been sober for 10 years and married to the same man....who was also an alcoholic and got sober at the same time.

Me? Living with an alcoholic or drug addict does not work, bad enough that I have to deal with my mother, and her drinking marathon....going into her 66 year of drinking daily.
She is a must miss that I am stuck with...although I am once again no contact with her.

OhBoy

There are some. My parents survived my fathers alcoholism. They had about 25 years of his sobriety before he passed. He worked VERY hard at maintaining his sobriety & the marriage. He was COMPLETELY committed to making them both work. He was special. He would tell her there were no guarantees, he couldn't promise he would never drink again. He HAD to take it day by day & so did she. In the end they had a pretty good marriage, one day at a time. In the early days of sobriety it was not great though. It was tough on all of us.

I wonder if my marriage to AW will survive. I know there can be a happy ending but I'm not sure if I want to go through all that sh#@! Selfish I know, but also self preservation.

My Alanon sponsor has survived his marriage to his AW & says they have a wonderful marriage. So I have seen it, but I think it is unusual. It takes a BIG commitment from the both. A commitment to stay sober & work the program & a commitment to forgive & move forward. I'm not sure which one is easier. Probably doesn't matter as they are both hard as hell!

JellyBean123

None of it is fair. WTF did I ever do to become this person.

OhBoy

I sometimes think that none of it is fair. But thinking that doesn't help me feel better so I try to do something that does. I have to do the best with what is in front of me & wait for better days. This will pass & they will come. Be easy on yourself.

dollydo

Fair or not it is reality, it is all part of life and learning from our mistakes.

NYCDoglvr

It's not about fair, it's dealing with the cards you're dealt. I know two people who stayed married (both alcoholics are sober after 25+ years and work hard at change.) But they are rare. One person gets sober and works at recovery and suddenly the "rules" of the relationship change. When I got sober 20 years ago I quickly dropped the man I'd been seeing for two years. Couldn't imagine what I'd seen in him, he was a real jerk.

fourmaggie

i know one couple started dating and he was already in AA...their first date was him DROPPING her off to an AL ANON meeting...they have been married for 50+years...with him having one relapse...

AA and AL ANON can work together

i know alot of ladys who are in the fellowship that have come first to these meetings and then BOOM husbands have gotten sober...about 2 in my group....others? a few still with their married husbands that still drink...a few men that are still with their A wives..1 fellow just left his A wife of 18 years married....and a few are ACOH(Adult children of Alcoholics...<me)...

we never question it...we just offer some reassurance to not make any major moves until at least of 1 year of AL ANON under their belts....

webber1

If the non AH becomes healthy( mentally and spiritually) it would be almost impossible...

Lifes about love, enjoyment and growth not lies, drama and more drama.

Im sure in special cases and Im talking where both parties meet in the middle it can work.

For me sober or drinking I would never date a Ah again.. its just not worth it

Seren

Something along the lines of 'all of the above', plus people who have worked together to reach a really good place and a good marriage don't spend a lot of time here posting.

LifeRecovery

My therapist shared with me that solid relationships take both people being in recovery. If one is in recovery and the other is not it is a big challenge and the toll is on the relationship.

I struggled for years, not with my ex's drinking (though that was definitely a concern), but with the fact that I was into my own recovery and I could not imagine someone not wanting to work individual recovery also. I thought it was my fault somehow that he did not want recovery.

I have seen one couple in my AA/Al-Anon journey both sober with double digit sobriety in what appears to be a great marriage. Everyone else is trying to figure it out in the group.

fourmaggie

? what is that....a non AH

we ALL have our fine lines...some can deal with it, some cant...its not right or wrong to DIVORCE or not...

all couples are DIFFERENT....

my Uncle got sober, my Aunt left...(she did not have a program)
my other Uncle and Aunt are both sober and in recovery...still married
my other Aunt got a program and my Uncle drank himself to death....


they are all different...and we are all different....

and really what does it matter?...if you NEED to leave for safety reasons then do so...if you want to leave for mental and spiritually reason then do so...
we should not judge on people on who stays with their A or recovery A...

mattmathews

I wanted to post some gratitude on SR, and this seems like a good opportunity to do it. I was in my Al-anon home group on Friday, sharing about forgiveness, especially forgiving my wife (now a recovering alcoholic for just over 2 years).
But after sharing I looked around the room and realized that of all the people there, I was the only one there that night with a spouse in recovery.
I am so grateful that my wife is in recovery. I've suffered, deeply, from the effects of alcoholism. And I've worked hard at my own recovery. But I'm very aware of how blessed I am, and how much lighter my load is simply because my wife is working on her own recovery. I'm happier, healthier and more spiritually whole today than I have been in years. Maybe ever. And that very well might not be the case if my wife had never stopped drinking...or had relapsed...or had become a dry drunk.
I truly believe that my happiness is my responsibility. And I also believe what we are told in Al-anon: that it is possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. But my path has been made much easier, and I'm grateful for that.

Florence

My husband quit and as he's approaching his first year anniversary, I'm beginning to think there is too much water under the bridge. We are in marital counseling, but it feels like we're picking through the wreckage to see if there's anything left.

I keep thinking that, instead of this weird mixture of codependency, obligation, and inertia, I deserve to be with somebody who thinks I hung the moon.