Luling

... And I drank. Again. I was having a hard time fighting off the craving when he came home. I love my husband and all that, but I want to drink when I'm with him. How f---ed up is that? But I was managing it, and then we had the stupidest argument. Basically, he gets mad when I don't agree with him wholeheartedly about everything. So whatever. But then he won't just f--- off and give me some space, which is why I'm sitting in a park, a mile away from home, almost midnight, after having drunk a couple of bottles of wine. It's quiet here and I should have come and sat here to begin with.

Anyway. I have a headache already. Sorry for being such a pathetic loser, I didn't have a good reason to cave tonight, I was just upset. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. A little angry, that's all.

pinkdog

It's hard to manage emotions without our coping mechanism. Keep trying. It's nice that we have a place to talk about it. I use the urge surfing for my anxiety. It helps alot. Really it made sobriety possible. It helps that much. I had an upsettable day too. Talking here helps me. I hope it helps you too. hugs to you:ghug3

Jeni26

Lots and lots of love to you Luling.
When you've got home and slept, when you're ready to start a new day, we will all be waiting for you.
You are really worth more than sitting on your own on a park bench in the middle of the night. You reached out to me recently when you sensed I needed it. You are a sensitive thoughtful insightful person.
Get yourself home, get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day xxxxxx

Deserto

You're not a loser, Luling. It happens, and it can be a learning experience.

I think our SO's and our relationships with them can be huge triggers. Nothing stirs up a bunch of complicated emotions (that we want to drown out) like an argument with a partner.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Drink some water, get some rest, and start again tomorrow.

DisplacedGRITS

Numbing our emotions with alcohol has been our recourse for so long that we have no other coping mechanisms. Think about why you drank. You were hurt, angry, upset and had no other tools in your toolbox to deal with those emotions. Are you seeing anyone? A therapist perhaps? Coping skills don't just suddenly come to us out of thin air. They're something we learned growing up and something we forgot when we developed a relationship with alcohol. When we dry out, we have to relearn so many life skills that have fallen by the wayside and dealing with volatile emotions seems to be the most obvious, dangerous and difficult one we encounter early on. It takes time and it's going to be painful learning but when you start locking down those skills you'll be far less tempted. But the first step is to not drink and accept that it's going to be painful and it's going to suck. Please be careful being out there. Being drunk, alone and in a park a mile away from your house is a little scary. Be safe.

HitRockBottom70

Luling,
I hope you are not too hard on yourself. You are far from a pathetic loser. Please get home and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and you will be wiser because of this experience.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow and a safe night.

GirlFromCO

I second this. Whatever is going on inside your head, there's plenty of time to sort it out tomorrow. Get home safe. Is there anyone you can call to come pick you up, or walk you home?

Luling

I'm home now. It's a safe neighborhood, and I had no choice but to walk to the park because he wouldn't leave me alone for two seconds and I obviously couldn't drive.

Anyhoo, drinking water now, then will watch TV until I fall asleep. Thanks ...

Dee74

Hi Luling

Like others have said, new coping skills take time...have you thought about adding more support for yourself and situations like these?

D

saraylah

Everything takes time, and you are not a looser or dumb. You know that taking the first step to get clean takes alot of courage and to continue doing so after a stumble takes more courage and strength so see the good that you are doing by acknowledging that you have a problem with the drinking. Tomorrow is a new day, clean slate, no one is taking score so don't you take score. You are learning more about staying clean, your getting to know what your triggers are. Step by step little by little, you're fighting the fight. You'll get there just keep trying and don't give up. Hugs to you. And give yourself a hug too.

Sapling

There is a big difference between being an alcoholic and being a pathetic loser Luling. Being upset is all we need to make us drink. It's a damn good reason. If we were all pathetic losers....None of would be here. You learned some more buttons your husband can push tonight....You learned alcohol isn't going to make it any better..You learned. Just keep trying...Keep adding tools to the ones you have. Do whatever you have to do...To not drink today. If you need to do more...Do it. I think when I figured out I was an alcoholic and not a pathetic loser...That's when I started to gain some ground.

IndaMiricale

Get up tomorrow and brush yourself off, get a plan to learn about handling those emotions. You can stay sober one day at a time.

sandra756

Hi Luling,

You have been very encouraging to me even though I am a stranger to you. I have shared this story elsewhere on the threads (to people who are breaking up), but I am reposting it here in hopes it might help. I say, just love yourself first, and love will come your way. And to do that, don't drink just today. For whatever reasons, my not drinking has renewed my love with my partner (even though drinking has nothing *directly* to do with our initial problems)

----------

Hi Elaisson I am only in day 2 sober but I would like to share the first time I stopped drinking for 8 weeks (the most I had been able to do before was just 1-3 days). Last November on another business trip, I hit some kind of rock bottom after binge drinking, nothing new. But I decided to quit. And then after two days of that new decision, with its struggles to get through the withdrawals and battles, my partner broke up with me over email. This was a long term relationship of 5 years, mind you, not a new dating situation . Yes, over email. It was not drinking related, but he said the same thing- that we have drifted. I literally felt my ground being pulled away and there was a big big hole. I was away across the world, and we had a 10 hour time difference. It was 2am my time, and I wanted to reach for a drink.

Then something switched. Perhaps survival instinct I don't know, or divine intervention. I got scared and then mad, and I started to make a list of what sucks about him. He is afraid of everything. He is so lame to break up over email. He has no career. He treats me well only on his terms. He is self centered. He embarrasses me in social situations because he is so awkward. And even: he's gotten so old and fat .. etc etc. And then it felt better and I got angry and that anger made me say, **** him, why should I give up my sobriety and life for this lowly creature?!!!

We managed to somehow say that we will have a hiatus period of not making any decisions. And somehow in this period, the first 2 months when I was sober, I actually managed to somehow influence him in the way I was being. I didn't do it deliberately to influence him, in fact, I was putting this man aside to care about ME (I actually thought, wow, ok, well, if he leaves, then why should I invest myself anymore). I put all my energy into myself, and loving me, and ironically, his wanting to leave me spurred me towards that. Like I said, I felt more and more like this man does not deserve me.

Then strangely after 4 months (1 which I lapsed back into drinking while on a business trip but stopped again when I got home), he started to come toward me emotionally. You have to understand, this is not a man who has EVER reached out. He was always the macho, cool aloof man. And he said, he saw something change in me for the better. While alcohol was not an issue between us nor one for the break up (honestly many times I told him I think I might have a problem and he laughs at me thinking I am joking, because i am so good at control when drunk- he is not a drinker) he felt that I was more emotionally contained, I was taking good care of myself and somehow that made me more sexy to him, and I was out with friends more, my world has expanded more, etc etc. And he expressed his insecurity and wants to really commit to the relationship. Ironically by that time, I was the one reconsidering HIM!

Anyway, all this to say, hang in there. While my 2 relasps have nothing to do with him (twice relapsed mainly because I travel internationally for work) , I am sooo glad I didn't let the first incident break me, and in fact, it made be become a better person that made him want to be with me. And if yours does not, like desertSong and Deserto said, he is probably threatened and you deserve better.

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OklaBH

Im sorry. Nothing rattles my cage like an argument with my husband. Next time (with our husbands there is always another argument) goto the park and make a phone call. I will PM you my #.

aeo1313

(((Luling)))

I have been following your posts and I care about you and I am glad you got home safe. Today is a new day. You can message me any time you need to- I'm not working this summer and check here often.

Ann

desertsong

Bless your heart. You are not a pathetic loser, you are human. Nothing triggers me more than an argument with my husband too. In fact, I'm bracing for one tonight since I know he will be wanting to spend the afternoon and evening hanging out at the bar. Again. Another trigger for me. We're all just trying to get through this thing the best we can.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Today is a new day; dust off, take a deep breath, and get back at it. I'm glad you got home safe.

Luling

Oh well, life is going to keep on happening, whether I'm drinking or not. This might be easier if I were single, living in a beach house on some island, with a few million dollars in the bank. Since that's not the case, I'll have to get better at dealing with things. It's not as if I have any actual problems, just stuff that everybody goes through. Everybody gets upset sometimes, but not everybody reacts by downing a large amount of wine and then stomping off into the night.

I think I'm going to stop counting sober days, because it's too depressing going back to day 1. I started this in May, I've slipped a couple of times, but I'm still doing this.

Okey-dokey then ... My husband is bringing me coffee, the headache is easing up, and I'm feeling a little better. I'll be heading out for my walk (no run for me) in a few minutes. Thanks for putting up with me.

Luling

I haven't really given it serious thought, to be honest. I probably should, although I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

OneLessLonely

Luling, I'm so sorry you had a terrible night. It is certainly hard enough to learn how to not drink in normal circumstances, but it's a different animal to learn how not to under duress. So just like you have an arsenal of things to do instead of drink during your normal drinking time (running, etc) you now realize you have to prepare an arsenal of things to do instead of drinking when you argue with your husband. It's a learning curve I think, trial and error. I've heard people say as long as you learn something new from each or any relapse, and can apply something new, and you still want it, you're still on the road. I have been on here a lot, and I always have the site up on my phone. Feel free to PM me anytime. <333

Sapling

I don't know about everybody else...But if it makes you feel any better..I did that for about 35 years.