So hard to know if I'm doing the right thing

Old 06-08-2012, 07:26 PM
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So hard to know if I'm doing the right thing

Last weekend I got a fleeting glimpse of the man I married. Two reasons one I was home to babysit him and second he was dead broke no money for drugs so he was a little humble compared to his arrogant self . We had to leave house so it could be shown it's on the market and we actually spent the day together with our dog . This isn't something that we have really done in three years together,but use to all the time before he was hooked on pain killers that he buys off the street. I had maybe 40 dollars so he played nice just to use me I guess. But to me it was lovely. Well Monday came and I went to work he doesnt work laid off electrician and by the time I got home he had been drinking vodka and got prescription from dr that he didn't let's say take as prescribed. I was just going to let it go just not to fight but of course he was looking for a fight. I asked him to leave b4 I called police when he just wouldnt stop. But that's like telling a kid he is punished in his room with all his favorite things. He came home smelling of weed and booze. Tuesdays he was ok but basically ignoring me, wedi had dr appt for serious health issue he couldn't be bothered he was busy running Riund mKing drug deals never even asked me how it went. Thursday went out at 12 noon and never came home called or texted me just showed up Friday morning like nothing happened as I got ready for work. He treats me with such disrespect,so here we are Friday and he was out again when I returned from work at 1pm. I told him not to comeback and had locksmith change the locks after finding a pipe and more empty vodka in garbage can. I dontknow if I can do thus and it was expensive but I just can't take anymore he wants to act single then fine he isn't coming and going as he p,eases and humiliate me I would never do that to him. I forgot to mention my employer today made it clear that I need to get myself together or I wont have a job there. That would be the third job all this dysfunction has taken a toll on,while he sits home when I'm working but the minute I get home he darts out without eventellingmewhere or when he is coming back. I'm sick now not just emotionally but physically and he is so selfish. Friday night I have been waiting for locksmith since6 he just left it's 10:30. I'm exhausted and I know I deserve better I li e in a small town and I'm sure everyone is talking about us and how much he hates me.it's humiliating. After all thus I dingbats him and I wish him the best. I just cant live like this any longer. So did I do the right thingwhoknows when I was patient when I tried to help or even at times pretend it was ok. It got meno where so could it get worse. Time will tell. I just wish I could get my self out of this small dark lonely p,ace I have been stuck and meet normal people and have a life and something to look forward to again. I pray everyday, I knowGod has a plan forme and I'm right where he wants me it's just been so long I hope things will turn around
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:43 PM
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Things will get better and you are heading in the right direction just by sharing here. Since misery loves company I have to say I could have written your entire post. All of that has happened to me with my AH. We are separated 2 months now and things are starting to stabilize a bit. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you are as much like me as I think you are, you probably haven't done that lately. Trust me it will make a big difference. Start looking at your life instead of constantly focusing on his problems. Read the stickies at the top of this forum and keep on posting!
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Old 06-08-2012, 09:27 PM
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Way to go Endofline....you are off and running. Please make sure you do something special for YOU tomorrow. Doesn't matter how you feel, just do it! Get a mani/pedi, get a new haircut, but a new top...anything! It will make you feel a little better.

No one is talking about you. People have their own issues and some can't even deal with their own. And if some of his "friends" think you are nuts.....Who cares what THEY think. They will probably be the ones knocking on your door sooner or later anyway.

YOU deserve so much better. Let go of the dream....it's not real. It is now your nightmare. Make yourself take care of YOU. Put the same efforts into YOU that you have put into him.

Keep posting for support. You can do this!!
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:18 AM
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((EndofLine)) Difficult, yes. Impossible, no. This person does not define you. You are working your way to a life without the chaos. Keep walking! You can get there!
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:45 AM
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30 years ago I divorced my AXH......when the pain of living with him exceeded the pain of living without him......my choice became clear.

Self care is so very important. And we don't always do a very good job of that. Living in that kind of constant stress (and fear) takes a toll. Begin today....take care of you. You ARE worth it.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-09-2012, 08:14 AM
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EOL, I know how your feeling even though I asked hubby to move and he did so without any problems when Ido see those glimpses I have to remember that is all they are. I am not ready for a divorce yet I feel I need too be stronger mentally first.

When I had him leave this time (2nd time) I got my house and car key back he never would give them before he had come home from an all nighter and was ready to crash he laid on the couch and I asked for them he said I will give them to you when I wake up I would not settle for that and since he needed sleep he handed them to me then soon passed out.

I still had my locks changed the next day as he could have had a key made and me not know it he left two dressers here (always would leave something ) I let our daughter pick them up too she needed them then texted and told him.

We will be OK and one day much better then OK. One day at a time.
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Old 06-09-2012, 09:41 AM
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Crazyiebabie

I know exactly whT you mean years agp when the drugs didn't have such a hold on him he wouldn't leave or let me leave. I thought of that as his love for me.I thought he really wants me in his life more than he doesn't. The sick thing is now 4 years kater I'm almost disappointed that he doesn't fight for me or to keep me in his life. But I have to realize it was all a game even then, not true love from him for me. So he left and seems happy about being away from me,but is he worth it then if he doesn't want me why would I want him? It's all new when some time goes by who knows how he will feel but I know my life has become a living he'll and yes I'm lone,y but I'm not in his control with my emotions and there is some peace in that. I feel your pain I wish more than anything in the world this man would give up drugs wake up and say I love Maria more than anything and I'm going to do everything to get her back. It's just a fantasy that's not ever going to happen. I don't talk to other men I feel like a widow, I don't want to cheat so I stay in limbo until an actual divorce is in place and I don't have the heart to start it, so I wait for him to do it. I'm still very emotional and sick just trying to take baby steps to recover
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Old 06-09-2012, 02:05 PM
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I kicked my husband out a few times - when I discovered he was back in active addiction. He was never really clean, he was only abstaining and taking suboxone so not to be sick. No real recovery! Huge difference. He always found the way to convince me to let him back home. I was weak and I was naive and he was a master manipulator.

My story is not to give false hope but just something to think about.

This time after I kicked him, I was a mess. I road the roller coaster. (read my old posts, lol) Often times, I even started the ride. I went on and off again contact. I saw a lawyer and ran an told him. MY big threat didn't work.

Then I got a therapist, joined SR and started going to Alanon. I felt different... a little stronger. Not every day but I knew again - somewhere it was still in me. He saw a difference too and commented on it. Which as a codependent only made me want to go more. Doesn't matter, it got me there. I cried my whole first meeting. I was a basket case. No make up, sloppily dressed, etc. And they cared, there was no judgment! I now go with make up, dressed nicer and with a smile...most of the time..sometimes I still run out the door. Doesn't matter to them how I look, it just matters that I am there.

My husband told me he was impressed and thought he would check it out. He went but it was all a farce, more manipulation and I knew it and told him so. His got sloppy and I got wiser.

As I got stronger, he got more and more scared to lose me and I mean really lose me. I was no longer the emotional wreck he was used to. Think about, how attractive (not just physically) could I have been..crying, angry, depressed, "crazy" I now started to look and feel better and he knew I wasn't going to be as easy to manipulate me.

My husband was living in a nice hotel, new clothes, out drinking with his buddies, taking his pills, and blowing money. Looked like he had it made, NOT a care in the world. And I felt like I had the weight of world on my shoulders. I liked the victim role...it wasn't fair, I cried. But later he confided in me - he was scared, scared he couldn't stop taking pills, fear of w/d, fear of more failure, depressed to the point of crying and wanting to end it all, was really lonely and in quiet moments he knew what his life had become. His own voice was telling him, not MINE!! His life wasn't "all" that I had made it out to be. He was in pain too...and no amount of numbing it allowed him to fully escape it.

I wasn't playing the dance of anger anymore or as often. I had huge set backs and I posted them all here...the truth hurt but it helped me see who I had become. Who he had become too. Trust me, I was NOT overly happy yet...I just didn't let him see that. I started to build a new dream in my mind and it didn't include him. Sometimes that dream gave me so much strength, sometimes it was painful but the strength part was new and exciting. And it was different. I had good days and I had bad days...but at least I now had some good days...standing on my own.

My husband was now really scared. He had no one left. My daughter refused to invite him to her graduation. I let it be her decision and that was hard for me. He used it as excuse to buy pills and get drunk. (He had tried to talk to her, she said "Nope!! I am done with you. I don't like people who take drugs" and hung up.)

He wasn't invited because he was using drugs so he went out and used some more. The insanity of it could boggle my mind if I let it. I don't. I refused to feel sorry for him and when he told me what he did the night of her graduation... I said "I am done with you. I don't like people who take drugs" and hung up) and blocked him. He was now alone, in his own skin.

He knew we were all jumping ship and he was alone and SCARED. He got himself to NA regularly, got a sponsor, a support group and is clean for today. He is working his recovery and I am working mine.

My point is this......a healthier, stronger, confident woman is far more attractive. For me, it didn't matter how or why I got there, as long as I got there. Once I was healthier, I could find the strength to work on ME more sincerely and it would be easier. So maybe, I initially did it for him (in a way) but as I keep growing...its becomes more and more about me!

I am far from "healthy" but I am not as "sick." I have a long way to go...and now I look forward to it and its really about ME.
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Old 06-09-2012, 02:25 PM
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LMN, that was one of the best posts I've ever read! You should be so proud of yourself - I am proud of you.
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Old 06-09-2012, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Heartbroken0608 View Post
LMN, that was one of the best posts I've ever read! You should be so proud of yourself - I am proud of you.
awww thank you.

:ghug3
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Old 06-13-2012, 12:56 AM
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Hear hear! Lovemenot fantastic response. I have now taken the time to read your backstory Endofline and man, just keep reading and posting and taking care of you.

One day, you will get so sick of him in your head and taking up your heart and soul. It may not be tomorrow but keep working on YOU and you will get there.

I never thought I would ... and was almost at the point of contemplating suicide when I realized that I was ruining a perfectly wonderful person (me) over someone who cared more about drugs and alcohol ... It was insane and I got off the train!

My soon to be ex is still using I think but I don't worry, fret or pine for
him anymore --- I really like my life so much better now --- Still sucky hiccups but better
Big hugs k...?
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