feelingalone43

Our family physician told AH that he does not think the problem is something that can be treated with medication. He strongly recommended marriage counseling. AH told me he will go to counseling and asked how involved I would like to be. I am not opposed to marriage counseling at all, and he said he'd go to see someone whether I choose to go with him or not. This is a first for him. I think he is seeing a new, more confident me, and has maybe realized I am done letting him take out his stress on me.

I did tell him that he needs to decide if he can accept me for who I am now. I will stick like glue to the boundaries I have set for myself. I did tell him that all the negative things that he did and said to me were only because I allowed them to happen. Not anymore. We have both changed over the years since we married, as I think most people do. Now we need to figure out if we still have a future together. He must figure out if he can live with me being someone who will stand up for myself, and not pretend to be happy, or fake enjoying something just so he doesn't get upset.

I may not be the "catch of a life-time", but darn it, I do have some good qualities. I also have opinions, feelings, hopes, dreams, and once in a while, a good idea.

Thanks, everyone

feelingalone43

I do not have a problem with someone having a beer now and then. I have a problem with people getting drunk. If he can drink his low-alcohol beer, which is what he is doing, and not even every day now, I can live with that boundary. The binge drinking is something I will not have in my life. Will he binge again? Quite possibly, maybe even probably. Then he's crossed my boundary and I will no longer be living my life in partnership with him.

I have come to realize that the majority of our problems stem from his taking out his stress on me (verbally), and not knowing how to cope with stress in any kind of constructive way. This is where I hope the counseling will come into play. Time will tell.

choublak

I really don't know of anything that has a "magic pill"...

lizatola

I have the same take on the drinking thing, too. Unfortunately I know my AH can only do just one or two beers for a short period of time and it will only be a matter of time and he WILL binge drink and do something stupid like drinking and driving. I am glad you have set a boundary and plan on holding it if he binges again. I hope you really are prepared to follow through because if you don't then he'll think he can keep doing it and that you'll continue to back down.

And, I have the same problem in my marriage with the stress stuff. For years(when he was dry for 15 years) he took his stress out on me. Belittling, condescending, blaming, guilting, shaming, manipulating, you name it he did it. I hope that you guys can work things out with counseling and that he DOESN'T binge again but if he's still drinking any alcohol and has control issues with it and uses it for emotional reasons(ie to handle stress) than you may find yourself following through on that boundary. Hang in there, we're rooting for you here!

wicked

feelingalone43,

How can someone who is still binging be an active participant in marriage counseling?
He is drinking low alcohol beer?

Would you consider counseling just for you, to learn about yourself, raise your self esteem, so when that day comes (a binge) you will know you deserve better.

You deserve all the love there is in this world, and you cannot get it from an alcoholic.
I will be thinking of you feelingalone. Keep getting stronger, it doesn't end here.

Beth

Learn2Live

I suggest learning as much as you can about alcoholism. "Under The Influence" is a really informative book. It may be okay with you that he drink low-alcohol beer but if he's a binger, he'll just drink more. Watch out, the storm's a-comin'.

feelingalone43

Thank you all for reading, and caring. I am definitely not blind to the fact that a binge is quite possible. What I am seeing at this point is him cutting back more and more. First, no bourbon for almost 2 years now, then mostly low-alcohol beer with an occasional regular beer. Then just low-alcohol beer, but still every day. Now low-alcohol beer, with some days, none at all. It is definite progress, and with the willingness to seek counseling, there MAY be hope for us.

Keep in mind, I have been working on ME. I have let him know of my boundaries, and also that I will not give him an ultimatum. Only that I deserve to live my life with someone I enjoy being around. He needs to learn to like himself before he can expect others to like him.

My wall is still up, and standing solidly. I will not just let it come down because of words spoken. It will come down gradually, piece by piece, and only when actions back up the words.

The flowers I came home to yesterday are in on my dresser. Not out where they can be flaunted to make him feel like "a great guy". I really think it surprised him that I didn't just melt at his "thoughtfulness". The old, gullible, quack-believer me would have. Instead, I said "Thank you for the flowers." That's it. No "you didn't have to do that, they are so pretty, I'll put them on the table for everyone to see..."

I also didn't accuse him of trying to "get out of the dog house". That was the old, angry me. Right now, I am neither angry nor gullible. I'm just ME. I'm not perfect, but I like me anyway.

lizatola

:ghug3 You're doing great! Sending you lots of support and hugs your way. Honestly, I envy the fact that you've already set your boundaries in place and that you are honest about your wall still being up. I am still working on those things mentally and emotionally. I am looking forward to hearing the rest of your success story!

Hopeworks

Hi Feeling Alone,

You are on the right path and sounds likes your A may be serious about trying to resolve the issues.

Counseling is a good thing if you find a counselor that is well versed in addiction. Counseling seperately for an extended period so each party can find their personal answers and emotional health before considering the relationship and joint counseling. Joint counseling is always tricky when it involves a past of alcoholism and early recovery or abstinence.

Alanon and reading every word you can find on alcoholism, codependency and relationships is very helpful in gaining insight and wisdom for your own future.

Keep coming back.

dollydo

You are heading in the right direction, keep moving forward. I have seen marriage councelling work when dealing with addiction. The problem needs to be fixed first.
His problem, his issue to resolve, when and if he gets that under control and is working a strong recovery program, marriage councelling might be of help.

Just my two cents. Continue to work on you.

NYCDoglvr

Sorry, I don't think therapy or counseling works until both people are sober.