EmmyG

On Monday, AH was supposed to go to court on his misdemeanor trespassing charge (which he got on last month's binge while his friend was visiting). He said he'd call and let me know how it went, but I didn't hear from him all night or the following day. I was worried that he'd been detained and our dog would be left alone, and of course I was also wondering if he'd been drinking. I checked his account activity and he had spent like $400 over two days at a bar.

He finally sobered up today (he conveniently has work tomorrow), and he wants a divorce now. He said I'm a psychotic b**** for checking his account, and he doesn't know how he's put up with me for this long. He said I make him sick, and it's none of my business if he drinks while we live apart, especially if he's not bothering me or being verbally abusive. He said he's made some new friends. I reminded him he hadn't seen his boys in a week.

He said everything was going well with therapy and we were doing so well, but I've ruined it and it's my fault we're breaking up.

I hung up and cried for about two hours, just thinking about everything I've been through since marrying him. It's time to let go and move on. I can't live with him drinking, and I am tired of feeling crazy and insecure and being lied to so blatantly. I don't want to worry about what he's doing anymore.

I'm scared about getting my own place with the boys, but I'll figure it out. It's gotta go uphill from here, right? It feels like someone I love has died, but I know this is just the grieving process.

Eight Ball

Hi EmmyG

I became a big snoop with my AH of 24yrs, when I was deeply affected by his drinking. I would check the internet and see what sites he had visited. I would check our joint bank account and see the beer purchases coming out. I caught my AH having a sordid internet affair, saw that he was visiting porn websites and had to look at the amount of money he was spending on beer every week.

I also came home home from work everyday and checked the beer fridge to see how many bottles had disappeared or had been replaced and kept an excel spreadsheet of the money being spent on beer.

All it did was make me upset, wound up like a clock, living with anxiety, panic. If I did get upset with him, he would always make it about me. I had no right to be looking, I'm messed up, there is no trust, you spend money too etc, and a bit of verbal abuse thrown in for good measure too.
You have not ruined anything and it is not your fault you are breaking up.

Staying out all night, not telephoning you to let you know, spending large amounts of money on selfish purchases, calling you names, is completely disrespectful, hurtful and selfish, especially if you are both supposed to be working on your marriage, whilst you live apart. It is not OK. You are the mother of his children, his wife and you deserve respect and have every right to demand it.

He is blame shifting and you are feeding him the ammunition.

When I found Al-anon and SR, and realised that I was living with an alcoholic, I started to learn how to detach and I stopped checking up on my AH. This was for my benefit. My life became more manageable, I stressed less, I didn't hurt from finding out things I really didn't want to know. I liked myself more, because I was behaving and acting like a good moral person, even if he wasn't.

I mentioned to my therapist about how I was the most devastated when my AH would say something mean or cruel about our (adult) daughters and she said, 'sure, that's because they are very important to you, but you are important too'. That really stuck with me and for the first time in my married life, I realised that I wasn't only a mother or wife - I was ME! I was an important person, my own life mattered.

When I finally told him that I was leaving, 18 months after Al-anon, SR and therapy, I had my head held high. I calmly told him that I could no longer live with his drinking. He had told me that he wanted to drink for the rest of his life, but that didn't mean that I had to live like that for the rest of my life. I knew that I was a good person, I was living a good moral life and was worthy of being with someone who showed me they loved me by respecting me everyday. He had no reply, nothing to blame me for.

Leaving was the best thing that I have ever done. It was scary. I had to live on my own for the first time in my life, at the age of 45yrs. Of course I was sad but I looked after myself, made new friends and continued to live the good honest life that I had started on my journey to becoming healthy and detaching from my alcoholic.

Today, one year on, I still think that I am important, my life is important and I know that I deserve respect and would never put up with anything less, ever again.

Your life matters too EmmyG, you are important and you deserve respect, every minute of everyday.

Keep posting EmmyG, keep reading, keep learning and you will get there.

transformyself

I"ve got great news!

I spent I think about four days in the fetal position (no really) the last time AH did this to me
sorry the last time I ALLOWED AH to do this to me.

Now, when I read your post, it makes me LAUGH. Literally laugh out loud. He's insane. they both are, yours and mine, and I was right there with him. The drowning man pulling down someone trying to save him.

I'm scared about getting my own place with my boys too! But i will figure that **** out alright. You watch.

What drew me to your post was the title. Is it over, really? I ask myself this every time.

Now the only thing that matters is that it really is over for me, just for today. Today I say NO to the madness that A brings into my life.

One day at a time Sister.

dollydo

You can't fix him, you can only fix you. Checking on him accomplishes nothing. Focus on getting your life together, finding a new place to live is a good start. You can do this, your boys deserve a mother who is tuned into them.

saljay

I do the checking on him, too.
I keep doing it, even though I know I shouldn't.
We are separated, but trying to work on things. He goes to AA and hasn't drank in a couple of months.

However, he has lied (A LOT) to me in the past, and cheated on me once. So I check his email and phone records. Daily
So far I haven't found anything amiss. So why do I keep checking???? I think it's because -- wait, I KNOW it's because -- I don't trust him. He hasn't been trustworthy. This helps me know he's not lying right now. However, where is my detachment??

It feels obsessive and unhealthy to check his stuff. I also feel guilty. But I don't trust him to be honest with me. And I don't know how we're going to work on "us" if I don't trust him. But I don't, haven't for a couple of years, and don't know if I ever will.

If I don't check, how will I know if he's being truthful with me?

grayduchess

For me it's quite shocking to read so many posts that echo my life. Do the drugs and/or alcohol turn these people into this mold (for lack of a better word)? Or is there something twisted deep down inside that just comes out once they are addicted?

Hold your head up, EmmyG! We ARE NOT the ones who are psychotic destroyers and we aren't to blame for the mess our/their lives are in!!

saljay, I still check on mine too even though we haven't lived together in over 2 months and there is no pretense of "working on us". On one hand I feel like I need to stop this and it isn't healthy for me. On the other hand I feel like I can maintain some kind of non-dramatic contact with him this way. It's like reaching out and touching him without any fear of potential backlash. I'm detached yet maintaining a connection. I also have the added bonus of knowing if I'm being lied to this way. I'm sure I will have to let go of this eventually too but I'm not ready yet.

Eight Ball

I used to obsess and check on my AH, as stated above. I discovered his one year internet affair, his visiting porn websites by checking. I felt justified in checking because I wouldn't have known about these things when I did, if I hadn't of dug for the dirt.

Our marriage was a mess, it felt screwed up - him for his actions and me for mine. We had some marriage counseling and tried to make things better (for a while). He was still drinking of course, so things soon went back to the status quo.

Trust needs to be built up again (if it can ever) but it is his long term actions that will show you he can be honest and trustworthy and definitely not by checking up on him. You cant feel good about yourself, by doing that.

Buffalo66

Please see my post on your other thread about the phone call.