Feel gross after phone call with AH.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Feel gross after phone call with AH.
I just had a short phone with him. He screamed at the top of his lungs and told me he doesn't want to be with someone like me, and he's going to call the therapist tomorrow and tell her why we aren't coming back, and it's because I checked his bank account activity.
He was MIA the last couple of days, spending hundreds at a bar. He says I have no idea what I'm talking about, that I'm making assumptions, and he's done nothing wrong. It may not be my business if he chooses to drink while we're apart, but his drinking or not drinking is a factor in my deciding whether or not to try to make our marriage work. And he hasn't seen the boys in a week.
He said I'm a crazy B**** and to leave him alone.
He has some kind of hold over me, because I felt sick when we hung up, like I've done something wrong and it's all my fault that our kids will have a broken home. I know it was wrong to check his account, but when I spoke to him, his speech was really slurred and I knew he was drinking, I just had to know for sure and check. It's part of our messed-up dynamic. Now he's going to make that the reason we divorce.
This whole thing is so upsetting. I just want to get in bed and not get up again. I'm so exhausted. My mom said to me today that all I do is work and look after the kids, and I need to go have some fun, but honestly if I don't keep moving, I just cry.
He was MIA the last couple of days, spending hundreds at a bar. He says I have no idea what I'm talking about, that I'm making assumptions, and he's done nothing wrong. It may not be my business if he chooses to drink while we're apart, but his drinking or not drinking is a factor in my deciding whether or not to try to make our marriage work. And he hasn't seen the boys in a week.
He said I'm a crazy B**** and to leave him alone.
He has some kind of hold over me, because I felt sick when we hung up, like I've done something wrong and it's all my fault that our kids will have a broken home. I know it was wrong to check his account, but when I spoke to him, his speech was really slurred and I knew he was drinking, I just had to know for sure and check. It's part of our messed-up dynamic. Now he's going to make that the reason we divorce.
This whole thing is so upsetting. I just want to get in bed and not get up again. I'm so exhausted. My mom said to me today that all I do is work and look after the kids, and I need to go have some fun, but honestly if I don't keep moving, I just cry.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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I feel your pain. Just try to not engage. Get to your own therapist, meetings, friends...you can do it. I am going through exact same thing. He's so angry but yet its his choice to be unhealthy. You must stop worrying about his actions. That's been hardest for me. You can do it...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Georgia
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So your husband wanted to drink ...and went out and did so..then decided to call you...and make you feel bad , and or responsible for HIS decision to go out and get drunk? My ex used to tell me it was because I didn't keep the house clean enough, make the kids mind, deal with chores, bills, family, holidays, the pets....I jumped through all the hoops. I did it all...he is drinking because he is sick! No other reason...love and hugs to you.
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It just hurts because he says I'm insane and psychotic and if it weren't for me snooping, we would keep doing therapy and work it out. GOD this hurts. Why do I feel guilt? He didn't answer his phone for two days, yes I checked his bank account. I know it's wrong, but why am I letting him make me feel like I ruined our marriage? I'm so anxious about the future and being a single mom.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Emmy I'm sorry you feel so awful. One thing that helps me is to remember what great manipulators they can be one I got that in my head it makes it so much easier to see thru the BS.
I am facing the prospect of being a single mom too and it is scarey. But I was basically a single mom while we were together. I do know that my kids are much happier now that were away from him.
I am facing the prospect of being a single mom too and it is scarey. But I was basically a single mom while we were together. I do know that my kids are much happier now that were away from him.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Well, if you're married, you do have a right to know where his money is going. He is just angry at you for finding out that he's full of poo about saying he wants to work on the marriage, that he's still drinking, and that he's clearly out of control. You found him out. He's not happy. So he blames you. He knows he's out of control and it's his own darn fault.
He doesn't want to truly work on the marriage, and he also wants to keep you. But he doesn't want to quit drinking, and since he knows he's losing you, he's protecting his ego by saying he has to divorce YOU because YOU are the crazy one. It sounds like he knows he's in deep poo right now and he's out of mind. You really can't listen to anything an active alcoholic says; it's all craziness and you will get hurt.
You know that he is out of control. You know that he is drinking and lying. I think it's okay now for you to stop checking his bank account and confronting him about it. You know what you need to know already.
Things are very bad with him. With things having gone this far and you still being damaged by his anger and shaming, I think the only sane choice you have is to completely detach now, move on with your life without him, and let him know that if he has a year of sobriety, you will revisit your life together in therapy--if you still want to.
He doesn't want to truly work on the marriage, and he also wants to keep you. But he doesn't want to quit drinking, and since he knows he's losing you, he's protecting his ego by saying he has to divorce YOU because YOU are the crazy one. It sounds like he knows he's in deep poo right now and he's out of mind. You really can't listen to anything an active alcoholic says; it's all craziness and you will get hurt.
You know that he is out of control. You know that he is drinking and lying. I think it's okay now for you to stop checking his bank account and confronting him about it. You know what you need to know already.
Things are very bad with him. With things having gone this far and you still being damaged by his anger and shaming, I think the only sane choice you have is to completely detach now, move on with your life without him, and let him know that if he has a year of sobriety, you will revisit your life together in therapy--if you still want to.
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Being a single mom is not the end of the world. Millions of women do it. Your husband is not a father to your children, he is just donated the sperm, he is not engaged in their lives, their well-being, his priorty is alcohol and the party life.
Might be time to stop the insanity, start planning for your future, accept the reality of the situation, you and your children deserve so much better, and it is up to you to make it happen.
Might be time to stop the insanity, start planning for your future, accept the reality of the situation, you and your children deserve so much better, and it is up to you to make it happen.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Hi Emmy, these are two links from the forum that I read early on, everyday, until I finally began to understand that this was what I was dealing with. It comforted me so much to read the reality of the situation, my x said all the same things to me, my fault, I was a psycho , etc etc etc, it's not true, once I began to detach, the truth of the situation began to seep in. If you have time, please read the threads to these posts, when I read them I really began to see that the addiction was the cause of all of this manipulation, not me.
I hope these help. big hug to you Katie
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Hi Emmy, these are two links from the forum that I read early on, everyday, until I finally began to understand that this was what I was dealing with. It comforted me so much to read the reality of the situation, my x said all the same things to me, my fault, I was a psycho , etc etc etc, it's not true, once I began to detach, the truth of the situation began to seep in. If you have time, please read the threads to these posts, when I read them I really began to see that the addiction was the cause of all of this manipulation, not me.
I hope these help. big hug to you Katie
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
It just hurts because he says I'm insane and psychotic and if it weren't for me snooping, we would keep doing therapy and work it out. GOD this hurts. Why do I feel guilt? He didn't answer his phone for two days, yes I checked his bank account. I know it's wrong, but why am I letting him make me feel like I ruined our marriage? I'm so anxious about the future and being a single mom.
You are allowing him to make you feel things because you are allowing it! You keep focusing on what HE THINKS and what HE SAYS... why are you paying attention to a alcoholic whose brain is scrambled by alcohol? He is NOT rational and he has no intention of stopping drinking and you need to accept this if you want to move forward and find happiness and peace.
The only thing that worked for me was NO CONTACT. Seperation. They sink or swim, get sober or not. Life is nothing but a series of choices.
Emotions are chemical in nature. Your brain chemicals and hormones are out of whack. Your A is keeping your emotions in chaos. You need to detox if you want to get better. Fantasies are wonderful when we are kids but life with an A is not storybook material.
It's boot camp time. Pull up your boot straps. Dry your eyes. Go to alanon. a lot. Get a therapist. Don't talk to the A. Block your phone. remove his email. If he gets through hang up.
Detox from the insanity. It worked for me! Hallelujah! I am free! Free at last. In fact I am going dancing tonight! The A is in rehab... again... but he isn't my problem!!! yeah!
Hope works. Hope for you. Go for it... happiness is a life without alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Emmy, My A did and still would say "someone like you..."
Here is what our sons counselor said to me once. It has continued to be one phrase that has saved my brains from exploding when he turns the tables, drinking or not( he is 20 months sober and still does this)
After RAH came home from rehab, his behavior was unacceptable. After a few months, I made a clear boundary, and told him to leave. HE could still be a part of the family, but would have to stay elsewhere until he got through what I thoought was the first difficult phase of sobriety. Not fair for our son to be around all that...After each argument, after each counseling session, or whatever, he would always turn it around and say he was leaving me because of my "treatment of him".
I almost thought I would die. Everytime it stuck in my craw so bad that I would continue the dance, trying to get him to see that it was his behavior...back and forth.
To outsiders, it can be very clear. The therapist listened to me whining on about it, then stopped me and simply said,
"So, he is, though, leaving because of your treatment of him. He does not want to be with 'someone like you', because you treat him like an adult, expecting clarity, honesty and paticipation. 'Someone like you'? this is just someone who isn't playing along with his entitlement, his bullying. He is right. He is leaving because of your treatment of him. "
This is something I tell myself every time I re-engage, because it is sane and true.
And it kind of makes it not matter, if he is leaving you or blaming you. If he is, he is balming you because you stopped playing along.
Go easy on yourself!
Here is what our sons counselor said to me once. It has continued to be one phrase that has saved my brains from exploding when he turns the tables, drinking or not( he is 20 months sober and still does this)
After RAH came home from rehab, his behavior was unacceptable. After a few months, I made a clear boundary, and told him to leave. HE could still be a part of the family, but would have to stay elsewhere until he got through what I thoought was the first difficult phase of sobriety. Not fair for our son to be around all that...After each argument, after each counseling session, or whatever, he would always turn it around and say he was leaving me because of my "treatment of him".
I almost thought I would die. Everytime it stuck in my craw so bad that I would continue the dance, trying to get him to see that it was his behavior...back and forth.
To outsiders, it can be very clear. The therapist listened to me whining on about it, then stopped me and simply said,
"So, he is, though, leaving because of your treatment of him. He does not want to be with 'someone like you', because you treat him like an adult, expecting clarity, honesty and paticipation. 'Someone like you'? this is just someone who isn't playing along with his entitlement, his bullying. He is right. He is leaving because of your treatment of him. "
This is something I tell myself every time I re-engage, because it is sane and true.
And it kind of makes it not matter, if he is leaving you or blaming you. If he is, he is balming you because you stopped playing along.
Go easy on yourself!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
"So, he is, though, leaving because of your treatment of him. He does not want to be with 'someone like you', because you treat him like an adult, expecting clarity, honesty and paticipation. 'Someone like you'? this is just someone who isn't playing along with his entitlement, his bullying. He is right. He is leaving because of your treatment of him. "
Thanks for this Buffalo, it's awesome, I needed to read this too!
Thanks for this Buffalo, it's awesome, I needed to read this too!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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quote from @hopeworks "You are allowing him..... "
I cut this quote short because that is what is happening...
Would you understand that you have no life because your life reveals around the ALCOHOLIC in your life?....YOU DO HAVE CHOICES, remember that...YOUR CHOICE
maybe its time for some self care...start by opening your OWN bank account...that is the 1st start and maybe taking your name off some of the bills...(just to start...) NOW YOU HAVE CONTROL...
I cut this quote short because that is what is happening...
Would you understand that you have no life because your life reveals around the ALCOHOLIC in your life?....YOU DO HAVE CHOICES, remember that...YOUR CHOICE
maybe its time for some self care...start by opening your OWN bank account...that is the 1st start and maybe taking your name off some of the bills...(just to start...) NOW YOU HAVE CONTROL...
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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"So, he is, though, leaving because of your treatment of him. He does not want to be with 'someone like you', because you treat him like an adult, expecting clarity, honesty and paticipation. 'Someone like you'? this is just someone who isn't playing along with his entitlement, his bullying. He is right. He is leaving because of your treatment of him. "
Yes, yes, yes!! My AX had the opportunity to try to work things out with me even though I had him move out of my house. And he said he couldn't because I bring up "too many issues in the relationship" and it's "just too painful for him to work these things out". Which is code for "You have too many complaints about my poor treatment of you due to my alcoholism" and "It is too painful for me to admit and change the crappy things I did."
Yes, yes, yes!! My AX had the opportunity to try to work things out with me even though I had him move out of my house. And he said he couldn't because I bring up "too many issues in the relationship" and it's "just too painful for him to work these things out". Which is code for "You have too many complaints about my poor treatment of you due to my alcoholism" and "It is too painful for me to admit and change the crappy things I did."
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Emmy- Yes, he WILL blame you. And it will have power over you for as long as you believe there is even a shred of truth to the blame he puts on you. His blaming works because YOU believe it to some degree. You will never, ever, ever change how he thinks, acts, feels, treats you etc.... But you can change how you think. Even if you feel like you're "faking it", tell yourself "I am not the cause of this, I have done my part to try and work with him" or whatever you need to tell yourself to counteract the crap he is spewing at you.
I still have a hard time not getting hurt with the accusations from my stbxAH, but with enough time and practice, I have gotten so much better at talking myself down when his words hurt me.
He KNOWS how to hurt you. He knows you wanted to try and keep your family together, so what better ammunition than to say you are the cause of the family breaking up. It's crap.
HE is unwilling to make any changes, any effort etc... The only way to have a family with him seems to be if you are willing to turn a blind eye to whatever he does, ask nothing of him, expect nothing of him... Is that a way you want to live? Of course not.
If I were in your shoes, I might text him and say that you will communicate ONLY with him about issues involving your kids. End of story. Delete messages from him that aren't related to your kids. And open a separate bank account just in your name (I have an ebanking acct, totally free to open, no fees) and put money in there. You share finances right now and he has no business spending you out of house and home to feed his addiction. Trying to talk rationally to him about spending, being responsible etc... is not going to work. Do what you need to to protect you and assume he will continue to behave as he has for the past few weeks.
Best line ever from my therapist: "He's shown you who he is and what you can expect. When are you going to believe him?". Your AH has shown you in action that he is not putting your family as a priority. Words are worthless-- look at his actions. Since you've been posting here he's consistently shown you that what you can expect from him is that he'll blame, project, accuse, drink, lie etc... He hurts you and doesn't care. And you are left reeling time and time again. He's shown you who he is and what he will behave like. Time to believe him and move forward. Letting go of that "dream" was/is the hardest part of all of this. My 4 yr old fairly regularly asks when Daddy will come back and wants that idea of family that we are all taught to think is the ideal. 2 parents, kids, a dog, house in the suburbs etc... I had all of that and was miserable. The dream was a nightmare. And now the nightmare has lead to a future that is totally different than I'd ever imagined but it is more ideal than anything I've ever had.
I still have a hard time not getting hurt with the accusations from my stbxAH, but with enough time and practice, I have gotten so much better at talking myself down when his words hurt me.
He KNOWS how to hurt you. He knows you wanted to try and keep your family together, so what better ammunition than to say you are the cause of the family breaking up. It's crap.
HE is unwilling to make any changes, any effort etc... The only way to have a family with him seems to be if you are willing to turn a blind eye to whatever he does, ask nothing of him, expect nothing of him... Is that a way you want to live? Of course not.
If I were in your shoes, I might text him and say that you will communicate ONLY with him about issues involving your kids. End of story. Delete messages from him that aren't related to your kids. And open a separate bank account just in your name (I have an ebanking acct, totally free to open, no fees) and put money in there. You share finances right now and he has no business spending you out of house and home to feed his addiction. Trying to talk rationally to him about spending, being responsible etc... is not going to work. Do what you need to to protect you and assume he will continue to behave as he has for the past few weeks.
Best line ever from my therapist: "He's shown you who he is and what you can expect. When are you going to believe him?". Your AH has shown you in action that he is not putting your family as a priority. Words are worthless-- look at his actions. Since you've been posting here he's consistently shown you that what you can expect from him is that he'll blame, project, accuse, drink, lie etc... He hurts you and doesn't care. And you are left reeling time and time again. He's shown you who he is and what he will behave like. Time to believe him and move forward. Letting go of that "dream" was/is the hardest part of all of this. My 4 yr old fairly regularly asks when Daddy will come back and wants that idea of family that we are all taught to think is the ideal. 2 parents, kids, a dog, house in the suburbs etc... I had all of that and was miserable. The dream was a nightmare. And now the nightmare has lead to a future that is totally different than I'd ever imagined but it is more ideal than anything I've ever had.
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Originally Posted by changeschoices
Well, if you're married, you do have a right to know where his money is going. He is just angry at you for finding out that he's full of poo about saying he wants to work on the marriage, that he's still drinking, and that he's clearly out of control. You found him out. He's not happy. So he blames you. He knows he's out of control and it's his own darn fault.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
It just hurts because he says I'm insane and psychotic
He's justifying his own behavior by saying these things. He can't feel good about what he's doing unless you both believe that you are what he says you are. Don't buy into it.
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God, what a great thread and how much I needed to read this today!! I'm there... everything is my fault. I left him and I "took his family away from him". I'm finally getting it that there is no reasoning with this man. Anything I say that is too close to home puts him into a towering rage and denial. What I'm working on is not letting what he says throw me off my square. I'll get it eventually...
I positively love the quote from the therapist! "because of your treatment of him"! Wow! Good stuff!
I positively love the quote from the therapist! "because of your treatment of him"! Wow! Good stuff!
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This thread is giving me a lot of comfort. I don't know what more I need to experience to see that I can't do this anymore. He texted me this morning about seeing the kids and I told him he is welcome to come visit them at my parents' house, but I won't be there while he's there, and that I've started preparing the divorce paperwork. He said "this whole thing isn't sitting right with me." I told him no, I'm not playing back and forth with him. It's all a sick game. He's vowed to divorce me several times and I see it for what it is now, it exactly what one of you said - he got caught and doesn't want to change or give up drinking, so he turns it all around on me. I'm so tired of being emotionally beat-up. I am putting a stop to it now. I already told the therapist we're not coming back. After I read these responses, I decided to let go of any guilt I have and accept that I can't reason with an unstable person.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
This thread is giving me a lot of comfort. I don't know what more I need to experience to see that I can't do this anymore. He texted me this morning about seeing the kids and I told him he is welcome to come visit them at my parents' house, but I won't be there while he's there, and that I've started preparing the divorce paperwork. He said "this whole thing isn't sitting right with me." I told him no, I'm not playing back and forth with him. It's all a sick game. He's vowed to divorce me several times and I see it for what it is now, it exactly what one of you said - he got caught and doesn't want to change or give up drinking, so he turns it all around on me. I'm so tired of being emotionally beat-up. I am putting a stop to it now. I already told the therapist we're not coming back. After I read these responses, I decided to let go of any guilt I have and accept that I can't reason with an unstable person.
Yeah!
I know a lot of happy, successful people who were raised by single moms. And I know a lot of messed-up people who grew up in homes with DV. Your boys will be great.
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