3littlebirds

Do the two always go together? If someone gets sober, does the emotional abuse stop? I just don't know what kind of personality AH has anymore.

amy55

Not at all. Two totally different things. You can be an alcoholic and be abusive, you can be abusive an not an alcoholic, two separate issues.

I have found that even when my ex was not drunk that he would have a change in personality. You can actually see the change. Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde. It is possible to overcome both, but that does need a lot of work.

pinkdog

I think it depends on the person. I know I, myself got nicer with sobriety. So could be.

3littlebirds

Anyone ever feel like even if the A in their life sobered up, it wouldn't change the way you feel about them? I am so over him. Way too many years of BS. He hasn't drank for 5 days, big damn deal to me, he hurt me for 20 years...

amy55

You got a big YES from me.

I was married for over 27 years. He sucked my soul right out of me, like a vampire.

3littlebirds

Haha amy55 that's what I feel like mine did to me too. I feel more alive now than I have in the past 20 years! I just wish he would find peace and maybe a new girl, and leave me alone.

amy55

I need to tell you this, you might get a laugh out of it, I certainly did. He got me so p!ssed this one day, and I told him that, that he sucked the life out of me, wanna guess his response?

Well why don't you suck me and get it back.

I agree with you 110, or is it 120% or higher

3littlebirds

Bahahaha! Aww they always say the sweetest things!

amy55

aren't they just precious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So romantic, so sentimental.

So glad that you also have a sense of humor about this

amy55

But seriously now. From what you just posted I think you had enough of the BS. My ex promised me everything. He was always filing for a divorce, always disappearing for I don't know up to 2 months at a time, then always came back crying to me, that he love me and he couldn't live without me, boohoo. He would cancel his attorney and get into therapy, would go maybe 1 or 2 times, most he ever went was back in 2005, the therapist was cute, and I won't deny that, I met her.

She then told me the first time that we saw her together that she would gladly see me again if I needed help handling the divorce. (lol, we didn't even mention divorce). She told him not to bother coming back, because he didn't listen to a word she said.

So I don't know where I am going with this because I have years and years of stuff I can talk about,

but, I want to know what you want to talk about

rhondaseven

Their comments even when not in anger are still hurtful. Just dry bitterness and no kindness that I can see, accept when he wants sex. other than that, no warm regard is the best way i can describe it.

3littlebirds

So my Ah is pretty much a jerk most of the time, unless he wants sex.(I don't know why he would even think I wanted to after all the emotional abuse) Now that I left he stopped drinking for 5 days he acts like I should promise him we will get back together if he stays sober. I finally told him tonight that I didn't know if I wanted to. He asked for my honeat answer and I told him I didnt know and then he told me I was so selfish! I cant believe he calls me selfish after twenty years of him taking everything he calls me selfish? He goes on about how its not fair that he is trying everything he can possibly do to make our marriage work and I'm not doing anything. Ugh I can't take this crazy anymore.

Buffalo66

HI 3 birds,

Feel free to glance through my posts, even just from the last 20 months.
My AH did get sober, and no the abuse did not stop. He just does not black out.

He is not a liar, now, he does not cheat, and he has a job, a car, and he does not sleep all day.He tends to give me money for our son more regularly and without argument. Not entirely, though.
These are the big changes.

He is in a dry drunk. this means he is physically sober but has not addressed the underlying issues of emotional and mental imbalance. For our situation, and this is not true for everyone, but MANY RAs have to grapple with an underlying mental disorder when they get sober. This is difficult, as the alcohol masks the behavior, or at least we think alcohol causes that.

In RAHs case, it was not the alcohol. The alcohol did cause him to be promiscuous, though. As a sober person he does not have one bit of interest in casual or cheat sex.

But, he is dodgy, mean, cranky, short, ENTITLED more than anything. And the entitlement is amazing, coming from someone who just less than 2 years ago had no money, car, home, or friends. He had lost everything. And he denies that heneeds to work the steps more aggressively. Most of the people in his life think he is doing fine, has a job, new car, buying a house, etc...but they do not have to rely on him for co parenting, or get into emotional murkiness with him. They just think; great he is not homeless.

For my RAH alcohol was not the issue when it came to not knowing how to treat me properly. Or to be a consistent, present father. He is still a bit of an a**hole.

3littlebirds

Thanks Buffalo. I think my Ah has a lot of issues to work out. He puts on a good show for the outside world but its always at home behind closed doors that it gets ugly. He is now blaming our lack of money because I left. Of course we are struggling financialy but the peace is worth it. He told me that everyone is starving because of me.

NYCDoglvr

Each person is different; I wasn't abusive when I drank and I know others who weren't as well. Some abusive people go on being that way because people put up with it. They know they can go on being a*sholes because there are no consequences.