EmmyG

When my husband is on a binge, like he is right now, I feel an overwhelming sense of dread and worry, and sadness. I try to imagine how much pain he must be in to need to get this drunk. He has a really good job, he plays team sports, he's attractive, and smart. He has two gorgeous boys who make him so proud. He's got friends, and he makes them easily. Anytime I meet people who know him from work, they tell me what a good person I married. One of the surgeons he works for has become a good friend, and has cancer. He calls my husband every week for encouragement, and I hear the pep talks he gives him and it's heartwarming. He even sent him a plaque that says "Never give up."

There's a person in there I love so much. When he's in self-destruct mode, that person is gone. It's so hard not to feel his pain and worry that he's going to drink too much and die. It's so sad to watch him do this. I know he has to work tomorrow and he'll probably sober up just in time. If he only knew how much I'm hurting today...

changeschoices

I guess that's why they say alcoholism is "cunning and baffling". My AX is a wonderful person in many ways and brought a great deal of happiness to my life, but eventually the addiction brought too much misery.

One of the most painful aspects of addiction is that addicts often reserve their abuse, hostility, blame, rage, coldness and utter lack of concern for those nearest to them, often their partner. I'm not sure why this is...I think I'd need to Ph.D. to understand it!

I felt I had to let my AX go in order to let him figure out on his own why someone with so many good qualities would consistently choose to screw up his life and closest relationships by not getting help for his addiction. I know it hurts you to watch him do this to himself and to you and your children, I know you are probably asking "Why, why, why?" but there often is just no answer to these things when it comes to addiction. Cunning and baffling.

sweetteewalls

I agree. My AH is so onpoint and the greatest guy and then he turns into someone that hurts me so much it stings! It is sick. I just have to pray for his recovery...he has to do it on his own.

amy55

My ex was the greatest, always there to help someone in their time of need (except emotionally, he always handed the phone to me for that). He could be with anyone but his own family if sickness hit. But that gets confusing also. I had 2 cancers, he was with me the entire time, but was he really, or was it his duty to make sure that I could get the medical attention I needed?

He would just "beam" when everyone said that he was doing so well taking care of me and the kids. He doted on me. I got better.

First thing he said to me when I was getting my strength back was " I see the old bitch is back", we weren't even fighting. He told me he said that because he knew I was better.

But, do you know they put a mask on for other people? When they come home the mask is off, they can't keep that good guy image up that long. They need to unload their frustrations. And who is there to hear it?????? You.

I know you love him, but let him take care of him. It's different than cancer.

Another story to tell you. A friend of mine. He is an alcoholic and he is abusive, he admits to both. He told me that when he was married he blamed his ex for everything, he didn't know why, because she couldn't do anymore for him then she was already doing. He told me that she couldn't make up to him for his past. He now realizes his expectations were too high. But he did lose her, he forced her to go.

Sanity2012

I asked my therapist the other day, why when people get drunk are they usually so much different than they are sober. He said most tend to revert back to a personality that is there all along. Sober we can keep it in check, reign it in, as we know it is not one that would be welcome.

Drunk - there are no rules. I don't get it. (But maybe that is a good thing? One sick person in the relationship is enough).

CactusJill

I am both the family of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself, and like your husband, Emmy, I was a totally different person when I drank. Often, I became verbally abusive toward my XH and again to my current SO when I drank. I can't speak about anyone else, but I can explain what it is from my perspective.

It is true, in my experience, that those of us who have that abusive bent often unleash it on our most precious people. For me, it was always my partner. And I don't know why that is, to be honest.

But as to what Sanity said about it being part of the personality, maybe it is for some people but I don't think that was the case for me. My SO tells me some of the things I said and I was floored. Not only did I not feel that way, but I never even thought about some of the things I said. Maybe it was unconscious, but it seemed so alien to how I am sober that even I had a hard time believing it.

Alcoholism is truly a selfish disease, and we do horrible things when we drink. And that doesn't excuse us. Some people, like me, use the pain they inflict as motivation to get better. I sincerely hope that this will be the case with your husband.

My SO is an alcoholic of the binge drinking variety, and although he is not nearly as bad as I was, he gets argumentative when he drinks. My solution is to avoid him when that happens. It can be hard because we live together, but when I sense the mood shifting I generally allow him to sit on the patio by himself - all night if that is what he wants to do. It is hard, especially when all I want to do is hold him and feel good like I do when he is sober. But I have to protect myself as much as I can.

I hope that helps provide some insight. Again, my experience may be not like your husband's, but people can and do recover. But it is on their own timeline, unfortunately, so if it gets too bad, you need to do what you need to do for the sake of yourself and your children.

sweetteewalls

ARACactus Jill, that post actually helps me understand my separated AH better. Thank you for being vulnerable and accountable and honest. I'm sure its not easy.