The Alcoholic that Doesn't Fit In
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 50
The Alcoholic that Doesn't Fit In
Hi SR friends-
After spending 5 months in outpatient therapy, I realized I had to begin stepping up my efforts independently, knowing I only had a few weeks left of that support. I had avoided AA meetings up until recently. I would have loved to find meetings in my area that were secular based, but unfortunately there aren't any.
I finally decided to just start going every day, and allow myself to see how I would be able to benefit from them. I have been going to different meetings, and have been re-attending ones I like the most. I do feel that I need them, need to be around other alcoholics, and need to hear 100 times a day that if I think I can go back to drinking, it WILL get worse.
Though I have met many very kind, supportive and inspirational alcoholics, I really feel that I am having trouble finding my space. I always feel like an outsider. Not because of how I am treated, but because my path in this addiction is so different from the people I am meeting. I have let go most of my other friends and socializing out of the "change people, places and things" necessity. I see many people in AA becoming friends, socializing, and making real connections.
I am 43, a teacher, mother, and happily married. No one in my professional life has ever known that I drank at all. Friends knew me to drink, and some knew I drank more than most, but most of them would be shocked to know how bad it was for me. I have shared my experience with some of my closest friends that have been supportive, but I know they really don't understand and we continue to drift apart.
In meetings, it seems like most of the people there have had much different experiences. Many are young, single and struggling. Others are much older with a lot of sobriety. Tonight's meeting included mostly men and women that were single, some living in a shelter, jobless, and homeless. I certainly respect them, and value learning from them and their experiences, but feel very much different. I rarely speak at meetings because my issues seem so different from theirs. For example, wondering how I will spend the weekends boating with friends or going on vacations to OBX and the lake without drinking.
Thanks for letting me vent, and continue to learn from you all as well!
After spending 5 months in outpatient therapy, I realized I had to begin stepping up my efforts independently, knowing I only had a few weeks left of that support. I had avoided AA meetings up until recently. I would have loved to find meetings in my area that were secular based, but unfortunately there aren't any.
I finally decided to just start going every day, and allow myself to see how I would be able to benefit from them. I have been going to different meetings, and have been re-attending ones I like the most. I do feel that I need them, need to be around other alcoholics, and need to hear 100 times a day that if I think I can go back to drinking, it WILL get worse.
Though I have met many very kind, supportive and inspirational alcoholics, I really feel that I am having trouble finding my space. I always feel like an outsider. Not because of how I am treated, but because my path in this addiction is so different from the people I am meeting. I have let go most of my other friends and socializing out of the "change people, places and things" necessity. I see many people in AA becoming friends, socializing, and making real connections.
I am 43, a teacher, mother, and happily married. No one in my professional life has ever known that I drank at all. Friends knew me to drink, and some knew I drank more than most, but most of them would be shocked to know how bad it was for me. I have shared my experience with some of my closest friends that have been supportive, but I know they really don't understand and we continue to drift apart.
In meetings, it seems like most of the people there have had much different experiences. Many are young, single and struggling. Others are much older with a lot of sobriety. Tonight's meeting included mostly men and women that were single, some living in a shelter, jobless, and homeless. I certainly respect them, and value learning from them and their experiences, but feel very much different. I rarely speak at meetings because my issues seem so different from theirs. For example, wondering how I will spend the weekends boating with friends or going on vacations to OBX and the lake without drinking.
Thanks for letting me vent, and continue to learn from you all as well!
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I think you need to keep going to AA for now but see if there is a group of professionals. I live in a small midwestern town and it seems that all the meetings have the same core group which is nice as it is a group of experienced drunks who have been very successful in getting themselves on track and staying sober for years. They are rocks and have seen and done it all. I no longer go to AA but would not be afraid to go again if I felt it would help me.
I know that in cities larger than this little town there are lots of groups and some are specialized. See if there is a central organization somewhere that can advise you.
I know that in cities larger than this little town there are lots of groups and some are specialized. See if there is a central organization somewhere that can advise you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 35
I can relate, I'm about the same age as you and was lucky enough to hang on to my very good job after a very bad incident with alcohol and my employer this weekend. I live in a very urban area and we have an extremely high concentration of homeless people. That was about seventy percent of the people at the meeting. I just tried to focus my attention on the people who really seem serious about working the program and glean as much as I could from them. Only my first one and I am going to try different ones until I find a group I feel comfortable with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 50
I have been to about 20 meetings- probably in about 7 differently locations. I have had more success at the women's meetings, possibly because women are more willing to share. I live in an area with an urban population in the city (the meeting I attended tonight), surrounded by a very rural, farming, religious area.
I feel as though I am getting a lot from the experience of the people in the groups. I just wish I could ways to build relationships with people in recovery that would extend into the rest of my life.
I feel as though I am getting a lot from the experience of the people in the groups. I just wish I could ways to build relationships with people in recovery that would extend into the rest of my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 50
Forgot to say- the problem with women's meetings is that 2 out of 3 are during the day. I will be able to attend them during the summer though, so I'm hoping that will help me meet more people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Try to "identify" with the others, not "compare".
Keep going to the meetings, your best friend will come from the last place you would expect to look...
All the best.
Bob R
Keep going to the meetings, your best friend will come from the last place you would expect to look...
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
You have to figure if you have been to 20 meetings in 7 locations...You've only gone to each one...3 times? I tried different meetings until I found one I liked and made it my homegroup. I did the 90 meetings in 90 days at that meeting...I started to get to know people...Showed up early and stayed after...Talking to people....People started to see I was committed to it...And they opened up more....I've made some great friendships.....I couldn't have done that after 4 or 5 meetings....It takes time. Things I Must Earn. But it happens. Getting a sponsor helps a lot too....Getting one with some time there is another great in to meeting people and getting started on the steps.....It can be done KDL...You just have to work it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Hi KDL,
I am 43 and have just over 7 months sobriety.
The meeting I regularly attend has alcoholics that have been sober from 8 to 31 years, and are all at least 10 years older than myself. The others who have joined the group are from after treatment shelters and are jobless. What kept me going back in the begining was that this was a genuine group of characters. Then I started to learn from them and if I had questions I took the opportunity to be the speaker at the meeting and frame my questions using the steps as a foundation. My biggest concern right now is how do I stay sober when I am asked to go on another business trip. The people I travel with are big drinkers and will usually go out for drinks when the work is done. Not much else to do when you have limited time in a different country. I just keep reading my 6 month medallion... To thine own self be true.
I am 43 and have just over 7 months sobriety.
The meeting I regularly attend has alcoholics that have been sober from 8 to 31 years, and are all at least 10 years older than myself. The others who have joined the group are from after treatment shelters and are jobless. What kept me going back in the begining was that this was a genuine group of characters. Then I started to learn from them and if I had questions I took the opportunity to be the speaker at the meeting and frame my questions using the steps as a foundation. My biggest concern right now is how do I stay sober when I am asked to go on another business trip. The people I travel with are big drinkers and will usually go out for drinks when the work is done. Not much else to do when you have limited time in a different country. I just keep reading my 6 month medallion... To thine own self be true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 50
Sapling- Thanks!
Things must work differently around here though??? Most meetings at a specific location only occur once a week. So to go to a daily meeting, you would have to go to 7 different locations. The exception is a Newcomers meeting that meets three times a week. I have been to that one the most, but am finding that it is mostly men, and very transient.
Is it different in other places?
Things must work differently around here though??? Most meetings at a specific location only occur once a week. So to go to a daily meeting, you would have to go to 7 different locations. The exception is a Newcomers meeting that meets three times a week. I have been to that one the most, but am finding that it is mostly men, and very transient.
Is it different in other places?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if you are alcoholic like we were, it doesnt matter what path ya took. it ended at the same place all of ours did: at the doors of an AA meeting.
now, since all the paths ended at AA, stop comparing em and start listening. you will hear your thinking. find other meetings,too.
now, since all the paths ended at AA, stop comparing em and start listening. you will hear your thinking. find other meetings,too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by DAB 
Hi KDL,
My biggest concern right now is how do I stay sober when I am asked to go on another business trip. The people I travel with are big drinkers and will usually go out for drinks when the work is done. Not much else to do when you have limited time in a different country. I just keep reading my 6 month medallion... To thine own self be true.
My biggest concern right now is how do I stay sober when I am asked to go on another business trip. The people I travel with are big drinkers and will usually go out for drinks when the work is done. Not much else to do when you have limited time in a different country. I just keep reading my 6 month medallion... To thine own self be true.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by KDL
Things must work differently around here though??? Most meetings at a specific location only occur once a week. So to go to a daily meeting, you would have to go to 7 different locations. The exception is a Newcomers meeting that meets three times a week. I have been to that one the most, but am finding that it is mostly men, and very transient.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 23
Gratitude Gatitude Gratitude! Expecting recovery from others is like blaming liquor stores for getting you drunk. Relate, sympathize and raise your self awareness through others. Glad you shared! Hang in there. The relationships WILL come.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
I can relate somewhat to your post-
I am 36 and happily married with two kids. I am a special ed para in a high school and live a pretty decent life. I spend a few weeks each summer at the lake and yes, there is a ton of drinking going on there! It's my parents condo and boat...but I can pretend it's mine
I was a binge drinker and up until the last few months only drank in social situations- but I did often drink to blackout. This past year I have also been hooked on pain pills and no one but my husband and AA group know that.
There are so many I can't relate to in AA- the low bottom drunks, the ones who've had to go to prison due to drugs/alcohol, etc. Yet the more they talk the more I realize how similar our emotions are. Our situations may be totally different, and they may not be people i want to have to my house for a cook out, but I still learn something from everyone who i meet at a meeting. Every single one of them has had the same awful thoughts that run through my head...for some it took them further down than me in their addiction...but it shows be exactly where i am headed if I don't stop now.
That said- I have met many women who I can easily see as women I want to form friendships with and am slowly trying to do so.
I am 36 and happily married with two kids. I am a special ed para in a high school and live a pretty decent life. I spend a few weeks each summer at the lake and yes, there is a ton of drinking going on there! It's my parents condo and boat...but I can pretend it's mine
I was a binge drinker and up until the last few months only drank in social situations- but I did often drink to blackout. This past year I have also been hooked on pain pills and no one but my husband and AA group know that.
There are so many I can't relate to in AA- the low bottom drunks, the ones who've had to go to prison due to drugs/alcohol, etc. Yet the more they talk the more I realize how similar our emotions are. Our situations may be totally different, and they may not be people i want to have to my house for a cook out, but I still learn something from everyone who i meet at a meeting. Every single one of them has had the same awful thoughts that run through my head...for some it took them further down than me in their addiction...but it shows be exactly where i am headed if I don't stop now.
That said- I have met many women who I can easily see as women I want to form friendships with and am slowly trying to do so.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,898
Hi KDL.
I'm an AA member along with membership in different recovery modalities. My choice in recovery is secular yet attending open AA meetings, sharing my ES&H is just a good practice for my recovery. Where I attend meetings there is a mix of people with varying beliefs. Some are atheist like myself, others are Christian, Jewish, agnostic and spiritual not religious types. So the meeting is not dominated by one particular belief.
Being here at SR is a recovery program in many ways. There are supportive people here with different experiences with staying sober. There many ways to get and stay sober. Reading this site is a testament to that. There is no wrong to be recovered from addiction.
I post some links to different recovery programs. I would be interested in seeing what you think of them. All of them are secular in nature.
I'm an AA member along with membership in different recovery modalities. My choice in recovery is secular yet attending open AA meetings, sharing my ES&H is just a good practice for my recovery. Where I attend meetings there is a mix of people with varying beliefs. Some are atheist like myself, others are Christian, Jewish, agnostic and spiritual not religious types. So the meeting is not dominated by one particular belief.
Being here at SR is a recovery program in many ways. There are supportive people here with different experiences with staying sober. There many ways to get and stay sober. Reading this site is a testament to that. There is no wrong to be recovered from addiction.
I post some links to different recovery programs. I would be interested in seeing what you think of them. All of them are secular in nature.
SOS Recovery and LifeRing Recovery
SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Addiction Recovery Tools from cbtrecovery.com
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health Great tools for maintaining sobriety as well.(from dbtselfhelp.com/index.html)
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)]
SMART Tools and SMART Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Addiction Recovery Tools from cbtrecovery.com
DBT Life Skills For Emotional Health Great tools for maintaining sobriety as well.(from dbtselfhelp.com/index.html)
Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)]
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