desertsong

OK, so here's where I'm at right now. Husband is at the bar. Again. No surprises there. I'm handling that. The last couple of days we've been doing better at communicating than we have been in awhile, even though he's still drinking and I'm sober. Okay. So tonight he says he's going to the bar until 6:00, which is when I asked him to be home because I want to be able to cook dinner for him and our boys. At 6:05, I get a text from him saying he is meeting a buddy at the bar and won't be here on time. I say, well, bring him home with you and I'll feed both of you guys dinner. He says, well, no, I'm going to meet him here. I say, okay, well, I guess that's just an excuse to stay at the bar. As usual. Never mind. And that's what it is ... an excuse. The bar is the only place he can go to drink where there aren't "prying eyes" on him. I get it. But geez ...

Gaaaaah.

I am learning through my sponsor that my feelings are my own ... nobody can "MAKE" me feel anything - I must own my own junk. I get that. But when someone continually cr*ps on my feelings, what is THAT? I'm still just supposed to "own" them and the other person has no responsibility? This is where I'm having a problem.

I know I have a hard road ahead of me in my sobriety because I'm living with an active alky. I have no illusions there. And I know that very, very often, the feelings I have are just that .... FEELINGS. I am responsible for my own feelings, nobody can MAKE me feel a certain way, and blah blah blah. So when my own husband continually ignores my feelings and I get upset, I'm supposed to just say, "Oh, it's ME and not HIM?" What? I get taking responsibility for my own feelings on a lot of things, but some stuff really and truly IS WHAT IT IS. And this is a blatant disregard of my feelings no matter how I try to "own" my own part of them. I will take responsibility for how I feel, but I won't take responsibility for someone who deliberately hurts me. I will only own what is mine. Is that wrong?

So ... that said ... wisdom from ya'll? lol I know ... I'm venting. Normally I am reasonably rational but tonight, well ... I'm having an alky moment. Sorry. I'm working on my 4th step and well, I have lots of resentments. But they are not all my fault. And I guess that's where I'm having trouble. Help?

Sapling

Pray on it...Talk to another alcoholic....Put it on your fourth step and don't drink.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems
today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some
person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life
—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until
I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being
exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world
by mistake.

desertsong

Not drinking, Sap ... just added to another of my long list of resentments against hubby ... no end in sight. Just sucks. But thank you. People, places and things ... ergh. Praying ....

Sapling

God Bless you desertsong...That fourth step is a handful without an active alkie around. I admire your strength! Just get through today!

Dee74

Taking responsibility for our part is great - but sometimes people are jerks too.
Sometimes, sadly, they can be the people closest to us.

I think it's ok to be cross, to be annoyed, angry and resentful - it's natural - but don't let it go too far....& when it starts to eat at us - it's too far....

Think back to your own recovery - we had to acknowledge there was a problem, then we had to decide what we were prepared to do about it...

and noone could drag us there - we had to find the way our self - that's part of what recovery is.

I'm sorry...because I know it's hard on the loved ones to watch this and deal with it.

Have you considered al anon DS? or checking out our FF forums?
I find exercise is also good for letting go of that anger and resentment stuff

D

desertsong

Yeah, Sapling ... most of my resentments are against hubby. This doesn't help, but I'm working on it.

Thank you so much, Dee. I guess I just needed to know that some of my anger is justified and not just ME. I own my own stuff but there really are times when it is OK to be resentful. You're right tho ... it can get out of hand and easily become a reason/justification for me to drink. It was in the past and it could be again. No, no, no ... can't go there.

And yes, I'm fortunate to have a sponsor who is both AA and Al-Anon. But she doesn't want me to officially go through Al-Anon just yet, since I'm so new to my own sobriety. However, she is giving me lots and lots of Al-Anon wisdom in the meantime, which means a lot. I just can't work the Al-Anon steps just yet ... the AA 12 steps are keeping me plenty busy, but I do appreciate the wisdom.

Exercise ... oh yes. Anyone know where I can get a cheap punching bag????

Innerchild

I was about to suggest ALANON until I read your last post its great you have a sponsor in both programs who can help and guide you through this. Congrats on staying sober through it.

Sapling

Sounds like God working in your choice of a sponsor DS...And you do have every right to be angry....Google the punching bag.

GirlFromCO

Ech DS, I'd be upset too. Your feelings are a normal reaction to your circumstances. Your marriage is your business so I don't want to step on any boundaries, but I'm wondering why you've decided that it's okay for him to continue drinking/treating you like this? You deserve better. It's not unfair to expect a lot more from your husband. If he doesn't have your back, who does? Hugs to you :ghug3

desertsong

Well, I know that as long he is active in his alcoholism, he can't have my back. I can't rely on that, and it's okay. He's sick. That's why I have to rely on AA, my sponsor and my other sober friends. He loves me and treats me well, otherwise. I know that sounds like I'm excusing him but I'm not. It's a fine line I'm walking between not being critical/judgmental and yet not letting him drag me down with him. Tough. He isn't intentionally hurting me any more than I was intentionally hurting him when I was drinking. But it IS a by-product of our alcoholism that we hurt the people we love ... we just don't see it when we're still drinking. Does that make sense? It's confusing, for sure.

crewisms

I sure appreciate your strength and courage, DS. I historically buried anger and rarely vented. It nearly killed me in the form of drowning those emotions with alcohol. Good on ya for getting it out of your system and in a place where you can talk about it! And inspiring others to do the same. Yet another reason I love SR...

GirlFromCO

It does make sense, but I think you deserve better than that! We alcoholics do a lot of stupid things when we're drinking but that doesn't mean anyone else should needlessly suffer through our bad behavior. Just a thought.

desertsong

Yeah ... I know. I keep going back to what my sponsor said ... that my husband has lost the power of choice in drink. And he has. He would never intentionally hurt me, I know that. But he is clueless about how his drinking behavior hurts me and just can't see it no matter how I tell him it does. Some might say that this means his behavior IS intentional, but he is also living in the alky world of denial ... he just doesn't THINK. I can tell him 1000 times what this behavior does to me and yet he does it anyway. Does that make him a jerk? Or is that just him being a typical alcoholic? I dunno ... I DO know that when I was drinking, people could have told me all day long that my behavior was hurtful and even though that thought bothered me, I still couldn't stop drinking.

Sigh ... I guess that's why God made Al-Anon.

laurie6781

(((((desertsong)))))

You have a doubly rough row to hoe. I would like to suggest that you check out our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Even though you are in recovery from being an alcoholic you may find some really great Experience, Strength and Hope there also.

I myself am a 'double winner' having been sent to Alanon by my AA sponsor and instructed to get an Alanon sponsor also, lol My Alanon sponsor was and is a 'double winner' also.

It sure won't hurt, and will give you some ideas about how to 'detach' for now while you are in this stage of your recovery, where you really need to devote a lot to your recovery.

Also, please feel free to pm me any time.

Love and hugs,

desertsong

Thank you, Laurie. Yeah, I got a double whammy. Lucky me. lol But God willing, I'll be a double winner. That's my hope and prayer.

aNewEternity

a SMART ABC exercise may help you here. (I can't link: Google something like "smart recovery abc's a crash course")


A. (Activating situation)
husband at the bar, drinking, not home for dinner.

B. (Irrational Belief I have about A)

C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)

D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers)


E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)

___


this may help you get to the reasons and beliefs lurking behind the underlying "resentments" as 12-steppers would call them and thus re-wire your interpretation of the whole situation. if you change thoughts, feelings will follow, then actions from there.

GirlFromCO

Sharks don't intentionally hurt people either - they're just hungry. I wouldn't want to go swimming with one though lol.

Hope I'm not being pushy. I know relationship stuff is always complicated by love or else everything would be perfectly easy. I'm saying this because I wish my husband (boyfriend at the time) had left when I was drinking. I'm glad in a lot of ways that he didn't, but I hate knowing that I hurt him. It's almost worse that it was unintentional because to me that says something about how much I didn't give a crap about him back then. I only cared about me and if someone got in my way, too bad, you know? Didn't matter who it was. I didn't want to hurt anyone but I didn't exactly care whether or not they got hurt. "We're both adults here," I'd tell myself - "he is choosing this." Really I was manipulating his love for me so I could get what I wanted.

desertsong

Interesting, Eternity. Thank you. I will give that a try.

desertsong

You're not being pushy, GirlfromCO. Just honest. And I appreciate it. I will have been married to this guy 20 years on June 12th ... known him since 1978 ... we were high school sweethearts ... I know him better than I know myself. This is not who he is ... I don't know where that guy went ... but he could probably have said the same about me when I was drinking. It's complicated. If I were to walk out tomorrow, it would devastate him ... he'd probably either go on a bender that would kill him in a week or he'd put a gun to his head. We don't know anyone but each other ... so much history. There are no easy answers here ... I wish there were. We have both hurt each other SO much with our drinking. I made the choice to stop hurting him AND myself with my drinking but he can't do it yet. If ever. The tough thing now is the realization that he might not ever be able to. And then what? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that ... and I don't have the answer right now. One day at a time. That's all I've got right now.

aNewEternity

also there is suggested literature from SMART for family members of alcoholics: "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening". not very expensive on Amazon.