WIworrier

Hi
Some of you may remember me...I haven't posted in about a year....
I have a 22 year old AS...DOC is H. Well, believe me when I say that not much has changed in a year...My son still lives here at home, still works almost full time (employed by my spouse) has a car, $$...so WHY would he ever want to quit??? I am going "crazy"...went to a couple families anon meetings...(didn't feel the connection)
Believe me when I say that my spouse and I are completely on opposite pages about what to do with him...
Me: I want to "kick him out" be done,....I love him to death but...I cant keep on like this...so pack him up and out I say....
Spouse:No way...if we kick him out he'll die for sure PLUS i need him at work!
Do you think if we went to a counselor that would help??
I can't keep on like this....
Ideas suggestions please (though i already deep down know)

Katiekate

I'm so sorry. It sounds like such a stuggle.

How bout if you begin your recovery, make an appointment with a counselor, sounds like you could use some support and a place to vent.

Start with you first, the rest of them you can not control, only suggest.

I think it may be helpful for you.

xo

JMFburns

Welcome back WI,

I'm sorry for what has brought you back, that nothing much has changed. Your son will most likely continue to use as long as he has the comforts and can use with no consequences.

Really, all you can do is take care of yourself. I am not currently attending NarAnon or AlAnon meetings - no car (lost that in my son's using days) but strongly believe they are very helpful. If you can, shop around to try to find a group that you feel good about. I remember the first time I went to a NarAnon meeting it was so depressing I couldn't go back . . . but lo and behold I ended up back at the same meeting about 3 mo. later. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired myself that I had to go. It was the only thing that could save me - the only way I wasn't gonna get dragged into the insanity that my son's using created.

I hope you find something that works for you. It is pretty crazy to have an active drug addict living in your home . . . just my opinion. Good luck, others will be along to respond to your post shortly.

oldgrowth

You have to take care of yourself

tjp613

I think counseling sounds like a great idea, but I'm thinking that you should go individually for awhile to help you define what it is YOU want and flex your boundary-making muscles. Your husband is wrong, of course, in saying that your son "will die for sure" if he is kicked out. In reality, every time you hand him money (paycheck) and give him a soft warm place to sleep while he is actively using YOU ARE HOLDING THE SHOVEL AND DIGGING HIS GRAVE. That's a visual that has helped me through these toughest types of decisions.

I am so very sorry this evil addiction has gripped your precious son. It's got mine, too. My son's addiction got tremendously deeper during the time my ex-husband (his dad) was paying for his apartment and AS was working....using his paycheck for drugs and the gas to get them.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that things have not improved or changed in the last year.

Personally I know that I cannot live with active addiction. I've employed my son before (years ago) and had him living with us at the same time. It was complete chaos 24/7. I can understand why you're about ready to pull your hair out.

They say that nothing changes if nothing changes. Any steps you take to begin taking care of youself will be change.

Counseling. Individual, couples, family...whatever....would be positive change. Meetings (Alanon or Naranon) can help you to learn how to set boundaries and take care of yourself. Anything to begin taking care of you will change the dynamic. And it does take courage to change.

gentle hugs
ke

pinkdog

Yes Katie has a good idea. Make an appointment for yourself. It would be good for you to have one on one. Best wishes.

wow04

I am a recovering addict. I wouldn't get help until I sick and tired of living the way I was.

At age 14 my mom gave me a choice, either go back to rehab or move out. I moved out. I lived with my dad. I started dating my drug dealer and using like crazy. At age 17 I had my first child. At age 18 I was in my living room with a gun to my head while my baby was asleep in her crib. That was my wake up call.

After not talking to my mom for years, she is where I turned for help. My baby and I lived with her while I did out patient. It took me another 3 years to finally get it, but I did.

I thank my mom everyday for giving me the option of rehab or moving out. It was very hard for her, but I know it was the best thing. It made me have consequences. My mom always said "If you can't help them up, help them down" My mom and I are very close today. We talk everyday and see each other at least every other day.

She did what she had to do for her sanity, but helped me more than she will ever know.

dollydo

I, too, like the idea of you going to therapy, for you.

If I remember correctly several months ago you and your husband had agreed that your
son needed to leave...what happened?

Honestly, based on your post, I really don't think that there is anything you can do to change your husbands mind, and unfortunately his decision is not in your sons best interest, nor, healthy for your relationship in a marriage.

If this is more than you can deal with, perhaps, you need to take a break from both of them and move out for awhile, go to meetings, embrace therapy and find some peace for yourself.

Just my two cents, do what is best for you.