Boyfriend and I breaking up/taking a break while in recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
Boyfriend and I breaking up/taking a break while in recovery...
I don't want to make this a short novel, which I have the tendancy to do, so a very long story short...
My BF and I have been together for 4 years this summer, known each other for more than 6. Have a GREAT amount of love, care, and respect for one another. The last year of our relationship we have lived apart, after we moved home to get clean (we used opiates together). We took time apart during early recovery, and since we are living three hours away that was a natural thing to do. But we stayed in touch and close and exclusive, and have allowed the relationship to progress as our recovery has. We have obviously been through a lot together. We have supported one another, and our relationship has never been better. We have not used together again, we are completely honest, we don't argue, we love spending time together (we see each other between two and three times a month, on weekends). He just came up and saw me last weekend, it was wonderful. Then he gets home and spends two days extensively talking and spending time with his new sponsor (who he got right before he came up to see me last weekend) and he calls and says he needs to be on his own right now, that it is going to be really hard, that he still loves and cares about me and he is not doing this because he does not want to be with, he just HAS to do this....be on his own right now. He needs to grown and mature in his recovery and life while not in a relationship...even though ours was great and positive and we were supportive of one another and our respective recoveries. He said it has nothing to do with me...he still thinks the world of me and cares about me so much, but this is something he needs to do. He needs to be alone right now. And when I asked if what he really wanted then was to just "take a break" he said he did not want to call it that only because he did not want us to keep acting like we were a couple...he needs it to feel like he is actually on his own, not in a relationship. And I asked if he never wanted to be with me? Like if we are not taking a break than we are breaking up for good, right? He said no, he did not know that for sure. One day at a time...we do not know anything for sure, so of course there is a chance we will be together again at some point. And he does not want to competely cutt off contact...and really wants to stay friends. He just needs some initial time apart to make a clean break, and make it feel real. He needs to feel like things are different, and since we were living apart anyway and our relationship was 70% on the phone, we can't talk right now.
Needless to say...I am dying. I am in so much pain, this is horrible. I love him and care about him and never pictured my life without him. And he said he would never be without me. But I have taken this opportunity to change sponsors and start working the program with a woman I really connect with, and am really changing my attitude and outlook on things...and focusing on myself. As much as I don't want to admitt it my BF might be right...I think, although things were WONDERFUL, we need to be on our own right now...so really own our recovery and grow. Our priorities need to be ourselves and our recovery...and while in a relationship, even the best one, there is some amount of self-sacrifice and focus on the other person, and we can not afford to do that right now...and I am afriad eventually the relationship would have turned sour. And that would have been a shame, because this is possibly the best relationship we have ever/will ever be in...and I want to believe we can/will get back together after we do the growing we need to do on our own...and assuming that (although I know we will change) we will still be two people that work great as a couple.
My question is this....can I believe that he really loved me? This is normal, and the right thing to do, right? Obvisouly I am heartbroken and really sad. I feel alone. I want to text him when i think of him, get his phone call when he gets off work and hear about his day, and call and say I love you and Goodnight before I go to bed...which are the things we did when we were together. But I feel this is a neccessary step...and he says this has not been easy for him. That he has thought about me a lot and has had to lean on his sponsor and his NA network a lot to get through this. I just want to move forward believing that this is something that people go through...that this happens and it is ok. That it does not mean he did not love me, or was just with me for support and because of how I made him feel about himself, and that now that he has found this AMAZING sponsor, he does not need me. My BF is really is enamoured with his sponsor by the way (who is incidnetally gay)...they have been spending multiple hours a day together, on the phone with each other every morning and night, and he was even the first person my BF called after we broke up "just to let his sponsor know he did it". And yes, his sponsor had suggested he not be in a relationship right now, so he told him he loved him and was proud of him, and that he was not alone. And my BF really respects him and has developed a very intimate, close relationship very fast, and wants to do everything he says. I am happy for him that he finally found a great sponsor....I just can't help feeling replaced).
I guess I wrote a small book after all. I don't blame anyone if they don't read it. Not even sure it makes sense, lol. I just want to know that I can feel ok about this...that this is normal, what should happen, and that is does not cheapen what we had. I want to focus on me and really develop in my life and recovery too...I think I was using the rletionsip as padding, a distraction...I think we were together partly because of how much support and attention I gave my BF and how that made him feel...and I got the distraction of focusing on someone other than myself. But that does not mean that we did not really love and care about one another, right? Had anyone had a great relationship end because of recovery and had it work out eventually? Thanks for any similar stories/thoughts.
My BF and I have been together for 4 years this summer, known each other for more than 6. Have a GREAT amount of love, care, and respect for one another. The last year of our relationship we have lived apart, after we moved home to get clean (we used opiates together). We took time apart during early recovery, and since we are living three hours away that was a natural thing to do. But we stayed in touch and close and exclusive, and have allowed the relationship to progress as our recovery has. We have obviously been through a lot together. We have supported one another, and our relationship has never been better. We have not used together again, we are completely honest, we don't argue, we love spending time together (we see each other between two and three times a month, on weekends). He just came up and saw me last weekend, it was wonderful. Then he gets home and spends two days extensively talking and spending time with his new sponsor (who he got right before he came up to see me last weekend) and he calls and says he needs to be on his own right now, that it is going to be really hard, that he still loves and cares about me and he is not doing this because he does not want to be with, he just HAS to do this....be on his own right now. He needs to grown and mature in his recovery and life while not in a relationship...even though ours was great and positive and we were supportive of one another and our respective recoveries. He said it has nothing to do with me...he still thinks the world of me and cares about me so much, but this is something he needs to do. He needs to be alone right now. And when I asked if what he really wanted then was to just "take a break" he said he did not want to call it that only because he did not want us to keep acting like we were a couple...he needs it to feel like he is actually on his own, not in a relationship. And I asked if he never wanted to be with me? Like if we are not taking a break than we are breaking up for good, right? He said no, he did not know that for sure. One day at a time...we do not know anything for sure, so of course there is a chance we will be together again at some point. And he does not want to competely cutt off contact...and really wants to stay friends. He just needs some initial time apart to make a clean break, and make it feel real. He needs to feel like things are different, and since we were living apart anyway and our relationship was 70% on the phone, we can't talk right now.
Needless to say...I am dying. I am in so much pain, this is horrible. I love him and care about him and never pictured my life without him. And he said he would never be without me. But I have taken this opportunity to change sponsors and start working the program with a woman I really connect with, and am really changing my attitude and outlook on things...and focusing on myself. As much as I don't want to admitt it my BF might be right...I think, although things were WONDERFUL, we need to be on our own right now...so really own our recovery and grow. Our priorities need to be ourselves and our recovery...and while in a relationship, even the best one, there is some amount of self-sacrifice and focus on the other person, and we can not afford to do that right now...and I am afriad eventually the relationship would have turned sour. And that would have been a shame, because this is possibly the best relationship we have ever/will ever be in...and I want to believe we can/will get back together after we do the growing we need to do on our own...and assuming that (although I know we will change) we will still be two people that work great as a couple.
My question is this....can I believe that he really loved me? This is normal, and the right thing to do, right? Obvisouly I am heartbroken and really sad. I feel alone. I want to text him when i think of him, get his phone call when he gets off work and hear about his day, and call and say I love you and Goodnight before I go to bed...which are the things we did when we were together. But I feel this is a neccessary step...and he says this has not been easy for him. That he has thought about me a lot and has had to lean on his sponsor and his NA network a lot to get through this. I just want to move forward believing that this is something that people go through...that this happens and it is ok. That it does not mean he did not love me, or was just with me for support and because of how I made him feel about himself, and that now that he has found this AMAZING sponsor, he does not need me. My BF is really is enamoured with his sponsor by the way (who is incidnetally gay)...they have been spending multiple hours a day together, on the phone with each other every morning and night, and he was even the first person my BF called after we broke up "just to let his sponsor know he did it". And yes, his sponsor had suggested he not be in a relationship right now, so he told him he loved him and was proud of him, and that he was not alone. And my BF really respects him and has developed a very intimate, close relationship very fast, and wants to do everything he says. I am happy for him that he finally found a great sponsor....I just can't help feeling replaced).
I guess I wrote a small book after all. I don't blame anyone if they don't read it. Not even sure it makes sense, lol. I just want to know that I can feel ok about this...that this is normal, what should happen, and that is does not cheapen what we had. I want to focus on me and really develop in my life and recovery too...I think I was using the rletionsip as padding, a distraction...I think we were together partly because of how much support and attention I gave my BF and how that made him feel...and I got the distraction of focusing on someone other than myself. But that does not mean that we did not really love and care about one another, right? Had anyone had a great relationship end because of recovery and had it work out eventually? Thanks for any similar stories/thoughts.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's my observation that those who finish their Steps usually have a
smoother time in relationships....
Not all loves are forever is my personal expereince ..nor do they have to be.
Please allow the two of you a priceless gift..time.
Prayers to both of you for peace as you continue your recovery.
Welcome to our recovery community....
smoother time in relationships....
Not all loves are forever is my personal expereince ..nor do they have to be.
Please allow the two of you a priceless gift..time.
Prayers to both of you for peace as you continue your recovery.
Welcome to our recovery community....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi and welcome reltrcka 
Early recovery is a really up and down time - not only for the addict but for our loved ones too.
I can understand why he wants some time to himself, and I can also understand why you'd be hurt & scared by that.
I hope this space he's getting will help and that you'll get back together if thats whats meant to be.
Have you seen our Family and Friends forums? You might like to read through & post there too for similar situations
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Early recovery is a really up and down time - not only for the addict but for our loved ones too.
I can understand why he wants some time to himself, and I can also understand why you'd be hurt & scared by that.
I hope this space he's getting will help and that you'll get back together if thats whats meant to be.
Have you seen our Family and Friends forums? You might like to read through & post there too for similar situations
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome reltrka!
It sounds like a healthy step to concentrate on your recovery separately right now, though it's got to be hard emotionally. Still, you sound like you're looking at this in a good way. A lot of relationships change after one or both partners get sober, but that doesn't mean it won't be for the better.
Learning to be my own best friend has been a huge help to my recovery (as well as staying in today). Support is also crucial..... Glad you're here!
It sounds like a healthy step to concentrate on your recovery separately right now, though it's got to be hard emotionally. Still, you sound like you're looking at this in a good way. A lot of relationships change after one or both partners get sober, but that doesn't mean it won't be for the better.
Learning to be my own best friend has been a huge help to my recovery (as well as staying in today). Support is also crucial..... Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 41
You are the first story that I have read on this forum that has the same story as me. I haven't had anyone else, usually everyone says their exes were using and bad and then they broke up but you guys literally had my story. I don't know if you still post on this site, but i just wanted to know how you are doing and how things ended up. THanks
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