Is it hope or denial?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
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Is it hope or denial?
I'm still struggling with the delimma regarding returning to date the man who has been clean for 4 years and working a program. I am a codependent, so I am also an addict, right? So why can't we have hope that we can have a relationship that's as healthy as possible when you have 2 recovering addicts together? I told him today about my concerns and that I was questioning whether or not we should be together. He was supportive and understanding. I want to have hope but I am afraid that I cannot tell if I am in denial. He thinks that I might not know how to be in a relationship with him being clean and working his program and that's why I am running scared...help!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
BrindleGirl
after reading your post, i looked into co-dependency, to see if that what what i was doing to. i think i might have been completely like that once, but now only have bits and pieces of it in me. like i am more attracted to people who will need me. i spent many years married to a man who said he loved me, and yet all his actions showed differently. he wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol, he was eventually addicted to the internet and pornography (the internet was no invented when we met, and he blamed our bs relationship on him searching for something more stimulating). i was with him for 14years, and in that time i found out i was abused as a child and sort out help. i then started working on myself a lot more and released that i was where i was because of the choices i had made and i was responsible only for myself. (the book passionate marriage was a huge help during this time). i left my husband in 04, and my mum died later that year. it has been almost 8 years and although most of the traits of being what is now called, co-dependant, are gone, i obviously have still got some issues to deal with as to why my relationships are always with people who i think need something from me.
with my current bf, i have been completely blunt and honest with him about how i feel about his drugs, and drinking, but i can see that i am still wanting to help him get through this and find the lifestyle i love so much and to share that with him. the fact is, he doesn't want it. he likes the way his life is. he feels loyalty to his drug using friends, and doesn't want to take responsibility for his life and his choices. as everyone in here keeps telling me, he has yet to grow up, and accept that he can make his own choices. he still is behaving like a child throwing a tantrum.
from someone who is struggling with the same issues you are atm, it sounds like you might need so sort yourself out, just like your bf is sorting himself out, before anything can work in a healthy way. this is the direction i am going to head in, as i am sick to death of making the same mistakes.
its time to make some more changes...oh how i love change!!! its so exciting...lol (rolling eyes right now)...but the idea of leaving this type of relationship behind me and finding someone who can love me for me, and who i don't want to "fix or support", through their stuff, will be a really cool. do you why? because I'm friggin worth it! (and so are you brindle)
i thank everyone in here for helping me see what i need to do.
after reading your post, i looked into co-dependency, to see if that what what i was doing to. i think i might have been completely like that once, but now only have bits and pieces of it in me. like i am more attracted to people who will need me. i spent many years married to a man who said he loved me, and yet all his actions showed differently. he wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol, he was eventually addicted to the internet and pornography (the internet was no invented when we met, and he blamed our bs relationship on him searching for something more stimulating). i was with him for 14years, and in that time i found out i was abused as a child and sort out help. i then started working on myself a lot more and released that i was where i was because of the choices i had made and i was responsible only for myself. (the book passionate marriage was a huge help during this time). i left my husband in 04, and my mum died later that year. it has been almost 8 years and although most of the traits of being what is now called, co-dependant, are gone, i obviously have still got some issues to deal with as to why my relationships are always with people who i think need something from me.
with my current bf, i have been completely blunt and honest with him about how i feel about his drugs, and drinking, but i can see that i am still wanting to help him get through this and find the lifestyle i love so much and to share that with him. the fact is, he doesn't want it. he likes the way his life is. he feels loyalty to his drug using friends, and doesn't want to take responsibility for his life and his choices. as everyone in here keeps telling me, he has yet to grow up, and accept that he can make his own choices. he still is behaving like a child throwing a tantrum.
from someone who is struggling with the same issues you are atm, it sounds like you might need so sort yourself out, just like your bf is sorting himself out, before anything can work in a healthy way. this is the direction i am going to head in, as i am sick to death of making the same mistakes.
its time to make some more changes...oh how i love change!!! its so exciting...lol (rolling eyes right now)...but the idea of leaving this type of relationship behind me and finding someone who can love me for me, and who i don't want to "fix or support", through their stuff, will be a really cool. do you why? because I'm friggin worth it! (and so are you brindle)
i thank everyone in here for helping me see what i need to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 14
Thank you Jody for posting and sharing your story too. Where I seem to be stuck is wondering if I'm holding out for the perfect relationship when it doesn't exist. Everyone has issues and all relationships have problems. Is there really something better out there than what I may already have?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
grass always looks greener brindle until you realise they have just been watering their weeds.
there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. just a relationship that is perfect for you. but until you are willing to put yourself ahead of the needs of others then it will alway suck you down. look within for your answers. like everyone in here keeps telling us, you already know the answer. the choice is yours. only you know whats right for you. but in a book i read many moons ago, life presents us with situations that we need to learn from. it starts out gentle, and progressively gets to the point where its using a sledge hammer to teach us how to crack an egg. have you found your sledgehammer? or are you ready to just learn you need to stand on your own too feet and be in a relationship where you feel valued and loved too? are you not worth that?
there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. just a relationship that is perfect for you. but until you are willing to put yourself ahead of the needs of others then it will alway suck you down. look within for your answers. like everyone in here keeps telling us, you already know the answer. the choice is yours. only you know whats right for you. but in a book i read many moons ago, life presents us with situations that we need to learn from. it starts out gentle, and progressively gets to the point where its using a sledge hammer to teach us how to crack an egg. have you found your sledgehammer? or are you ready to just learn you need to stand on your own too feet and be in a relationship where you feel valued and loved too? are you not worth that?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I find codependency to be an addiction.
And yes two people who are addicts … both working a program of recovery can be in a healthy relationship. But to get to that point the focus needs to remain on you. You need to find your why’s and become healthy in your own right first as must he in order for there to be any chance at a relationship.
Truth be told…
Sick people always attract other sick people. It is how it works. So maybe the question should be are you healthy attracting healthy people or are you sick still attracting sick people? Food for thought.
And I will stick with what I originally said in your other thread. If you had to come to place like this to ask these questions then something in you isn’t sure. What would it hurt to err on the side of caution, stick around, get healthy and then see what life brings…Close one door and others are sure to open.
And yes two people who are addicts … both working a program of recovery can be in a healthy relationship. But to get to that point the focus needs to remain on you. You need to find your why’s and become healthy in your own right first as must he in order for there to be any chance at a relationship.
Truth be told…
Sick people always attract other sick people. It is how it works. So maybe the question should be are you healthy attracting healthy people or are you sick still attracting sick people? Food for thought.
And I will stick with what I originally said in your other thread. If you had to come to place like this to ask these questions then something in you isn’t sure. What would it hurt to err on the side of caution, stick around, get healthy and then see what life brings…Close one door and others are sure to open.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 14
Inciting silence, you pose a wonderful question-am I a sick person attracting sick people or am I healthy attracting healthy people. I will think about this long and hard. I bet it is more on the sick side, with a little healthy in there... And erring on the side of caution does make sense, especially because I am here and asking questions. I do need to work on myself. I told him today that I have nothing to offer until I am better, and it's true. Thanks for being here.
And jody675, thank you too, for pointing out something important. I do not feel worthy of much. When someone is good to me, I turn away because it is really uncomfortable and I don't think I'd ever be able to reciprocate. I get so discouraged because I'm 47 and can't believe there's still so much work to do. I worry I will never make it.
And jody675, thank you too, for pointing out something important. I do not feel worthy of much. When someone is good to me, I turn away because it is really uncomfortable and I don't think I'd ever be able to reciprocate. I get so discouraged because I'm 47 and can't believe there's still so much work to do. I worry I will never make it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
of course you ARE worth it, or you wouldn't be here asking questions. i am 41 and I'm still sorting myself out. but here is a quote i love...people treat you as you allow them to treat you. if you want to be more to someone start believing you deserve more. maybe say it out loud...I AM WORTH IT??? HELL YEAH!!! feel it. want it. believe it. and you will BE it. but that one is for you believe in...no one else.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Maybe stop looking at your age, and be grateful that you are aware enough that you need to work on you. So many more endless possibilities in the work, and decision will be so much more easier to make cause you will know right away what is good for you and what isn't.
You will be fine.
You will be fine.
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