Divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 490
Divorce
Many of you know a lot of my story, including my struggles with my actively heavy drinking husband. Well, ironically, now he is talking about divorce. We don't have anything in common anymore according to him. He is controlling and emotionally abusive so I don't know why I'm so upset about this, but I am devastated and terrified and I don't know if I can stay sober. Drinking brings us closer together. I don't know what to do. Ive been a wife and mom for years it's all I know. I want a drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wis
Posts: 172
Oh crap Eli. All I can say is that save your sobriety. It doesn't fit everyone but fits a lot of people. We have all the love for you and you hang strong, cry, be upset, call someone but don't drink. Big hugs.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You don’t have anything in common anymore because all he really has is alcohol. You know that path. Do you really want to take it?
I had to get used to the idea that bad things happen and I could stay sober. Second I learned that not every bad thing was a bad thing. Finally, I learned that things happen for a reason.
This story illustrates the second point. I hope it helps.
A farmer had only one horse, and one day the horse ran away. The neighbors came to console him over his terrible loss. The farmer said, "What makes you think it is so terrible?"
A month later, the horse came home--this time bringing with her two beautiful wild horses. The neighbors became excited at the farmer's good fortune. Such lovely strong horses! The farmer said, "What makes you think this is good fortune?"
The farmer's son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. All the neighbors were very distressed. Such bad luck! The farmer said, "What makes you think it is bad?"
A war came, and every able-bodied man was conscripted and sent into battle. Only the farmer's son, because he had a broken leg, remained. The neighbors congratulated the farmer. "What makes you think this is good?" said the farmer.
If you do the right thing then things will go as they are ment to.
I had to get used to the idea that bad things happen and I could stay sober. Second I learned that not every bad thing was a bad thing. Finally, I learned that things happen for a reason.
This story illustrates the second point. I hope it helps.
A farmer had only one horse, and one day the horse ran away. The neighbors came to console him over his terrible loss. The farmer said, "What makes you think it is so terrible?"
A month later, the horse came home--this time bringing with her two beautiful wild horses. The neighbors became excited at the farmer's good fortune. Such lovely strong horses! The farmer said, "What makes you think this is good fortune?"
The farmer's son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. All the neighbors were very distressed. Such bad luck! The farmer said, "What makes you think it is bad?"
A war came, and every able-bodied man was conscripted and sent into battle. Only the farmer's son, because he had a broken leg, remained. The neighbors congratulated the farmer. "What makes you think this is good?" said the farmer.
If you do the right thing then things will go as they are ment to.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm sorry for your pain Eliasson 
I really hope you decide to continue keep moving forward...
speaking frankly: a marriage where you'd have to drink to make it work doesn't sound like the kind of marriage someone like you deserves.
D
I really hope you decide to continue keep moving forward...
speaking frankly: a marriage where you'd have to drink to make it work doesn't sound like the kind of marriage someone like you deserves.
D
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Your husband has lost his drinking buddy. I speak from experience - mine lost his too. He doesn't know what to do without you drinking beside him now, and is probably scared, threatened, feeling insecure about the new life you are heading towards ... which, he is probably wondering, may or may not include him.
If this is where things are going, then it seems the choices are clear ... keep drinking to keep him, or keep going on your sober journey and lose him. Neither are easy choices and I soooo feel for you. Whatever you do ... we are here for you. I wish you peace and wisdom to know where to go from here. I feel for you ...
If this is where things are going, then it seems the choices are clear ... keep drinking to keep him, or keep going on your sober journey and lose him. Neither are easy choices and I soooo feel for you. Whatever you do ... we are here for you. I wish you peace and wisdom to know where to go from here. I feel for you ...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
Sorry. :ghug3 Please don't give up your sobriety over this; why should you hurt yourself? You deserve to be happy and sober. Hang in there; you'll get through this. This could be a new beginning for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Eliasson, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must feel so alone. Just know there are lots of people who care immensely for you.
I wish I could take your heartache away but all I can do is pray for you. For your family. A burden shared is a burden halved. Maybe your husband will change his mind. Maybe he won't & you'll be away from his influence. Trust God that He has the answers. I like Awuh's story. God sees our lives from beginning to the end. He knows the path you ought to go & I promise you, it's not drinking.
Stay healthy for your son. You have lupus & alcohol will exacerbate your illness. And your depression. Alcohol is poison. It will not help you.
Stay strong Eliasson, you can stay sober, don't give up the fight. I wish you peace sweetie.
I wish I could take your heartache away but all I can do is pray for you. For your family. A burden shared is a burden halved. Maybe your husband will change his mind. Maybe he won't & you'll be away from his influence. Trust God that He has the answers. I like Awuh's story. God sees our lives from beginning to the end. He knows the path you ought to go & I promise you, it's not drinking.
Stay healthy for your son. You have lupus & alcohol will exacerbate your illness. And your depression. Alcohol is poison. It will not help you.
Stay strong Eliasson, you can stay sober, don't give up the fight. I wish you peace sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Im sorry this has happened to you. When one gets sober and the other wont even try the odds of it working are slim to none. You are happy and active in your sober life while he does what? sits, drinks and criticizes the world? you have amazing strength and with support will get through this. keep posting and get to a meeting. PLEASE
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
It's probably terrifying for you right now I should imagine.
But try to take each hour as it comes, try not to panic, really try not to drink.
Just tell me, have you ever planned a life for yourself on your own. Never daring to think it might come true?
I used to drive round all day and I often saw the same little house, with blue window shutters and a blue front door, that I dreamed I might live in all by myself.
No-one else's clutter, my own enormous bed to sleep in, fabulous views, pictures of just my loved one's. I thought of sitting outside in the summer. In the winter I could imagine sat on the sofa with the fire on and some amazing lamps and candles lit.
My own little bathroom with my robe hung on the door.
Deep bubble baths. Hot showers on a cold morning, before I left my little nest to go to work.
I was even going to plant my garden with orange roses.
Just tell me what you have dreamed of when you have wanted to be away from where you are now?
Take lots of care
But try to take each hour as it comes, try not to panic, really try not to drink.
Just tell me, have you ever planned a life for yourself on your own. Never daring to think it might come true?
I used to drive round all day and I often saw the same little house, with blue window shutters and a blue front door, that I dreamed I might live in all by myself.
No-one else's clutter, my own enormous bed to sleep in, fabulous views, pictures of just my loved one's. I thought of sitting outside in the summer. In the winter I could imagine sat on the sofa with the fire on and some amazing lamps and candles lit.
My own little bathroom with my robe hung on the door.
Deep bubble baths. Hot showers on a cold morning, before I left my little nest to go to work.
I was even going to plant my garden with orange roses.
Just tell me what you have dreamed of when you have wanted to be away from where you are now?
Take lots of care
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Sorry to hear that you're in pain, Eliasson -- but from what I've read of your posts I know you have the strength to stay sober through this 
I agree with what others have posted about your husband probably being scared by your sobriety... and while I don't know your full situation, I would guess that a fair amount of this "talk" of divorce might be just a tactic to get you drinking again...
Hey, I know, 'cause I've done it... but remember that when we put that much alcohol into our mouths, bulls*** invariably starts to fall out of them...
My guess is your husband probably doesn't know what he wants, and is just quacking. What is it that you want?
I agree with what others have posted about your husband probably being scared by your sobriety... and while I don't know your full situation, I would guess that a fair amount of this "talk" of divorce might be just a tactic to get you drinking again...
Hey, I know, 'cause I've done it... but remember that when we put that much alcohol into our mouths, bulls*** invariably starts to fall out of them...
My guess is your husband probably doesn't know what he wants, and is just quacking. What is it that you want?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Eliasson 
He is controlling and emotionally abusive
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 43
Hi Elaisson I am only in day 2 sober but I would like to share the first time I stopped drinking for 8 weeks (the most I had been able to do before was just 1-3 days). Last November on another business trip, I hit some kind of rock bottom after binge drinking, nothing new. But I decided to quit. And then after two days of that new decision, with its struggles to get through the withdrawals and battles, my partner broke up with me over email. This was a long term relationship of 5 years, mind you, not a new dating situation . Yes, over email. It was not drinking related, but he said the same thing- that we have drifted. I literally felt my ground being pulled away and there was a big big hole. I was away across the world, and we had a 10 hour time difference. It was 2am my time, and I wanted to reach for a drink.
Then something switched. Perhaps survival instinct I don't know, or divine intervention. I got scared and then mad, and I started to make a list of what sucks about him. He is afraid of everything. He is so lame to break up over email. He has no career. He treats me well only on his terms. He is self centered. He embarrasses me in social situations because he is so awkward. And even: he's gotten so old and fat .. etc etc. And then it felt better and I got angry and that anger made me say, **** him, why should I give up my sobriety and life for this lowly creature?!!!
We managed to somehow say that we will have a hiatus period of not making any decisions. And somehow in this period, the first 2 months when I was sober, I actually managed to somehow influence him in the way I was being. I didn't do it deliberately to influence him, in fact, I was putting this man aside to care about ME (I actually thought, wow, ok, well, if he leaves, then why should I invest myself anymore). I put all my energy into myself, and loving me, and ironically, his wanting to leave me spurred me towards that. Like I said, I felt more and more like this man does not deserve me.
Then strangely after 4 months (1 which I lapsed back into drinking while on a business trip but stopped again when I got home), he started to come toward me emotionally. You have to understand, this is not a man who has EVER reached out. He was always the macho, cool aloof man. And he said, he saw something change in me for the better. While alcohol was not an issue between us nor one for the break up (honestly many times I told him I think I might have a problem and he laughs at me thinking I am joking, because i am so good at control when drunk- he is not a drinker) I was more emotionally contained, I was taking good care of myself and somehow that made me more sexy to him, and I was out with friends more, my world has expanded more, etc etc. And he expressed his insecurity and wants to really commit to the relationship. Ironically by that time, I was the one reconsidering HIM!
Anyway, all this to say, hang in there. While my 2 relasps have nothing to do with him (twice relapsed mainly because I travel internationally for work) , I am sooo glad I didn't let the first incident break me, and in fact, it made be become a better person that made him want to be with me. And if yours does not, like desertSong and Deserto said, he is probably threatened and you deserve better.
I hope sharing this story can help you not drink, just another day! day by day!
Then something switched. Perhaps survival instinct I don't know, or divine intervention. I got scared and then mad, and I started to make a list of what sucks about him. He is afraid of everything. He is so lame to break up over email. He has no career. He treats me well only on his terms. He is self centered. He embarrasses me in social situations because he is so awkward. And even: he's gotten so old and fat .. etc etc. And then it felt better and I got angry and that anger made me say, **** him, why should I give up my sobriety and life for this lowly creature?!!!
We managed to somehow say that we will have a hiatus period of not making any decisions. And somehow in this period, the first 2 months when I was sober, I actually managed to somehow influence him in the way I was being. I didn't do it deliberately to influence him, in fact, I was putting this man aside to care about ME (I actually thought, wow, ok, well, if he leaves, then why should I invest myself anymore). I put all my energy into myself, and loving me, and ironically, his wanting to leave me spurred me towards that. Like I said, I felt more and more like this man does not deserve me.
Then strangely after 4 months (1 which I lapsed back into drinking while on a business trip but stopped again when I got home), he started to come toward me emotionally. You have to understand, this is not a man who has EVER reached out. He was always the macho, cool aloof man. And he said, he saw something change in me for the better. While alcohol was not an issue between us nor one for the break up (honestly many times I told him I think I might have a problem and he laughs at me thinking I am joking, because i am so good at control when drunk- he is not a drinker) I was more emotionally contained, I was taking good care of myself and somehow that made me more sexy to him, and I was out with friends more, my world has expanded more, etc etc. And he expressed his insecurity and wants to really commit to the relationship. Ironically by that time, I was the one reconsidering HIM!
Anyway, all this to say, hang in there. While my 2 relasps have nothing to do with him (twice relapsed mainly because I travel internationally for work) , I am sooo glad I didn't let the first incident break me, and in fact, it made be become a better person that made him want to be with me. And if yours does not, like desertSong and Deserto said, he is probably threatened and you deserve better.
I hope sharing this story can help you not drink, just another day! day by day!
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