I said something I shouldn't have...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
I said something I shouldn't have...
I moved out almost 2 weeks ago. I am happier than I've been in a very long time. My AH is trying to get sober, he has gone to a few AA meetings. The problem is, even if he does get sober I can't imagine going back to him after all that I've put up with for the last 20 years. Now here's the kicker, I told him that I would come back to him if things changed and if he got sober. WHY WHY WHY did I even say that? It's like now that's all he holds onto. He keeps bringing it up and I keep saying ya sure, but I do make it a point to tell him how happy I am on my own and how peaceful and less stressed my life is. I think I do it because I'm too afraid to hurt him more by telling him the truth, and he would probably make my life a living hell. As it is now everything is pretty chill because he thinks things are going to be fine. If I upset that idea in his head, I really am scared to think what could happen.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello 3littlebirds,
I'm sorry that his continual need to make you his reason for being is so stressful. I don't blame you one bit.
If it were me, I would simply tell him that I will only be talking to him about the children and not about "us". If he brings up the subject, I would tell him, again, that this is not a topic I will discuss. If he continues, I would hang up the phone or leave. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
I'm glad you have been finding your joy!
I'm sorry that his continual need to make you his reason for being is so stressful. I don't blame you one bit.
If it were me, I would simply tell him that I will only be talking to him about the children and not about "us". If he brings up the subject, I would tell him, again, that this is not a topic I will discuss. If he continues, I would hang up the phone or leave. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
I'm glad you have been finding your joy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
At this point, he should be concentrating on HIS recovery.
If he is only getting sober for you, it will never last. His disease, he has to own it, where you live has nothing to do with his recovery.
Sit tight, more will be revealed in time.
If he is only getting sober for you, it will never last. His disease, he has to own it, where you live has nothing to do with his recovery.
Sit tight, more will be revealed in time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
A really big part of my recovery has been learning some key things...
a) I do not have to decide something right now. My xah used to press me to make commitments *this instant* and I had an overwhelming pull to do so even before I met him. One of the biggest gifts of my recovery (in all areas of my life) is giving myself time to think things through. I have a right, a responsibility to myself even, to think things through and take my time in answering.
b) I have the right to change my mind. For any reason. I can change my mind because I learned something new, because I have a new perspective, because my previous choice was not well thought out
, or just because I re-considered and want to make a different choice now. This was also something that I did not grant myself and my xah certainly didn't grant it either.
c) I do not need to make promises or commitments. It is my right to say 'I won't promise that." This was the most overt trap that my xah laid out before me. Promise me and I will hold you to it. He was very skilled at twisting truths, pushing buttons, and guilting me when he was trying to extract a commitment and god forbid I reconsider. More guilt and manipulation. It is emotional abuse. I believe that a&b may not have been conscious decisions on his part because I already had that propensity and he just exploited it. This one though - this one he did with full awareness. He tried to employ this tactic with intent and once I finally saw that for what it was (in almost the same situation you wrote about) it ticked me off. I tiptoed around it a lot by saying I'd agree to not date for 12mos and we'd see where we were at but NO PROMISES of reconciliation even if he was sober. This tiptoeing around didn't really work btw. It prolonged the agony for us both. It sent him into orbit. He was on fire with the thought I'd date in the first year, which I had no intentions of doing anyway - it was just a bone I was throwing at him to get him to leave me alone. He harped and harped at the promise and commitment to get back together at 6mos or 12mos. I didn't budge and eventually went mostly no contact and kept plodding along with separating our lives. When the divorce became final it was very clear there would be no reconciliation ( Lots of water under the bridge, growth/recovery on my part, and he was drinking up a storm) so the subject just disappeared.
Long winded way of saying that you have the right to say you have reconsidered. That you will make no promises and that right now you are most happy alone. You don't have to say or promise anything more then that. Also, please remember, that you and your promises, or lack of, are not powerful enough to make his alcoholism worse or better. That is just not possible. He is the only one with the key to unlocking his addiction and he'll do that, or not do that, regardless or in spite of what you do.
a) I do not have to decide something right now. My xah used to press me to make commitments *this instant* and I had an overwhelming pull to do so even before I met him. One of the biggest gifts of my recovery (in all areas of my life) is giving myself time to think things through. I have a right, a responsibility to myself even, to think things through and take my time in answering.
b) I have the right to change my mind. For any reason. I can change my mind because I learned something new, because I have a new perspective, because my previous choice was not well thought out
, or just because I re-considered and want to make a different choice now. This was also something that I did not grant myself and my xah certainly didn't grant it either. c) I do not need to make promises or commitments. It is my right to say 'I won't promise that." This was the most overt trap that my xah laid out before me. Promise me and I will hold you to it. He was very skilled at twisting truths, pushing buttons, and guilting me when he was trying to extract a commitment and god forbid I reconsider. More guilt and manipulation. It is emotional abuse. I believe that a&b may not have been conscious decisions on his part because I already had that propensity and he just exploited it. This one though - this one he did with full awareness. He tried to employ this tactic with intent and once I finally saw that for what it was (in almost the same situation you wrote about) it ticked me off. I tiptoed around it a lot by saying I'd agree to not date for 12mos and we'd see where we were at but NO PROMISES of reconciliation even if he was sober. This tiptoeing around didn't really work btw. It prolonged the agony for us both. It sent him into orbit. He was on fire with the thought I'd date in the first year, which I had no intentions of doing anyway - it was just a bone I was throwing at him to get him to leave me alone. He harped and harped at the promise and commitment to get back together at 6mos or 12mos. I didn't budge and eventually went mostly no contact and kept plodding along with separating our lives. When the divorce became final it was very clear there would be no reconciliation ( Lots of water under the bridge, growth/recovery on my part, and he was drinking up a storm) so the subject just disappeared.
Long winded way of saying that you have the right to say you have reconsidered. That you will make no promises and that right now you are most happy alone. You don't have to say or promise anything more then that. Also, please remember, that you and your promises, or lack of, are not powerful enough to make his alcoholism worse or better. That is just not possible. He is the only one with the key to unlocking his addiction and he'll do that, or not do that, regardless or in spite of what you do.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
Stopping drinking and getting sober are very different. The first one can happen on a daily basis. The second one takes a lifetime. He has a long way to go. Work on yourself - Marie is right - more will be revealed in time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
This is all true. I am very pessimistic about him getting better, so in the end it probably won't matter what I said.
Thumper you are spot on! I always felt pressured to make a snap decision and if I thought about changing my mind all hell broke loose. Funny because he changed his mind all the time.
I am so happy to have found SR and love all of you for your kind words. I can feel my life change for the better every day that I have been away from him.
Thumper you are spot on! I always felt pressured to make a snap decision and if I thought about changing my mind all hell broke loose. Funny because he changed his mind all the time.
I am so happy to have found SR and love all of you for your kind words. I can feel my life change for the better every day that I have been away from him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
A couple of things. First, you are allowed to change your mind. Second, if you said it but didn't mean it then make a note that's something you want to change about yourself. It can be hard to get out of the habit of lying to your alcoholic.
I'd encourage you to tell him the truth at all times. He's going to have to learn to be sober in reality not fantasy. As I heard an RA share once, SOBER means son of a bitch, everything's real!
Take care,
C-
I'd encourage you to tell him the truth at all times. He's going to have to learn to be sober in reality not fantasy. As I heard an RA share once, SOBER means son of a bitch, everything's real!
Take care,
C-
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Hey, everyone is right, I've been there, and am lucky to have my wife, she is fully immersed in Alanon, and we are happy. Sounds like your AH isn't even close to true sobriety. Focus on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I'm in the same boat. When I moved out of the apartment I shared with my ABF I told him we could continue to work on things while living apart as long as he got help. Now that he is getting help I'm not so sure. Some days I still want to be with him and others not so much. Some days it sounds like a great idea to move back in, others I find myself day dreaming about life on my own and moving on. For now I am not making any decisions, which is tough because I hate being in limbo, and I tell him I am not making any promises. He is far from being in real recovery so until I see what recovery looks like on him I can't make a decision...unless limbo gets really unbearable in which case all bets are off! lol
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