hadenoug

After everything that went on dh finally admitted that he needs help. He’s now in outpatient treatment. I’m grateful but cautious. I’ve been burned too many times to be confident. Still, I’m grateful for the peace that we have right now.

There is one thing that is really bothering me and I wanted to see if others have felt this. I have made my share of mistakes. That’s for sure. But I feel like dh is blaming me for everything. I’m trying to keep focused and not think about it but then he tells me what he and the counselor discussed and it’s basically what I’ve done to him.
I’ve kept my mouth shut for now. I’m just trying to move on to see what direction/progress is made. Part of me is wondering if it is true or if I’m just feeling overly defensive.
I'm trying to just move on and not think about it or let it get me down/angry.
Obviously it is bothering me as I’m posting it here.
:/

FireSprite

Just my $.02 here, based on my experience.

My AH & I went through a lot of blaming back & forth between us at times. I think the first thing to remember is that if he is still actively drinking or just starting therapy he may not truly know WHAT he thinks & just speaking out in ways that protect his feelings. AH went through an enormous roller-coaster of emotions in the first 90-120 days and it took a long time for him to see past the 'symptoms' to the 'root' of the problem.

Sometimes he had a fair point - maybe I DID do xxxxx & yyyyy, but often those were reactions to his own actions & not my preferred way of doing/handling things.... which he wasn't seeing clearly as an active A. So once he was sober & could see the chain of events & not just the isolated incidents, my actions started to make more sense to him.

But when he did bring up something that bothered me I always tried my best to examine it for truth & then deal with it the 'right' way. Sometimes my own behavior wasn't impeccable & I could take this opportunity to change it in ways that *I* like better. But more often than not I felt perfectly justified with whatever I had done & those things that might be in the 'grey area' were done in an effort to protect myself & child from his alcoholic behaviors.

NYCDoglvr

This is typical active alcoholism. I've heard it referred to as "his majesty the child". Part of recovery is learning that we're responsible for our actions and feelings, no one else. Recovery is really about growing up. When someone works hard in recovery he/she will arrive at this point. If not, nothing changes.

Katiekate

And remember honey, just as he is manipulatiing everything else in his mind right now, he is probably manipulating everything that comes out of his counselors mouth. A good counselor will listen, and when the time is right the issues will begin to unfold.

Don't take it personally, it's just more quackery.

Milly39

The blame game is another way for the addict to take the focus of them and also it allows them not to accept responsibility for their part in all the madness. As treatment continues, it will all come out...the godd, the bad and the ugly! Hang tight

Loopydays

My RAH is in early days yet- and is blaming everybody- even the dog! What
I found amusing last night to hear after he came back from his outpatient day was that
He has even started blaming his counsellor! It seems for the first time since he started treatment, his counsellor actually challenged him instead of telling him what a 'good boy' he is being.
He hasn't actually blamed me yet - though I think he wants to, but is being manipulative at the moment- he is afraid that I will ask him to move out.
As I keep having to remind myself he may be dry, but he has got a long way to go before he is sober- what annoys me most at the moment us when he tells people he was in hospital for a month to elicit sympathy! Then I have to walk away, grimace and nit scream