Nervous Today
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Join Date: May 2012
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Nervous Today
Feeling nervous today. It’s a good nervous but still.
My husband got approval from his doctor at the rehab to come home on Friday for a weekend. The plan is that he will go back on Monday. I thought maybe expressing my feelings would make me feel better so here goes. I worry about his traveling home alone as he has to fly. I know that is silly but it can be stressful flying with all the security and lines and people. He is still dealing with anxiety from coming off the drugs he was on. I worry about the house he is coming home too. It was our house. But he left. When he left, he left most of his things behind. After a while for my own sanity I boxed up a lot of it because looking at it was too painful. He was gone. I had this incredible urge on Monday to start unboxing all his things. I talked to the family therapist about it, and she said why? do you want to do that now? That is still your home and not his again, not yet. Having all his things boxed up and not there, will serve as a lesson to him that I had moved on without him (at least to some degree). And there is work to do between us before that house becomes our’ home again. Yes it all makes sense, but it still pulls at my heart and makes me feel bad.
Our 4th wedding anniversary is this week. Tomorrrow actually. This I know is partially why he wants to come home. I didn’t remind him of it, but he remembered. That hits me in the heart too, but then I recall that last year while on drugs he didn’t acknowledge our anniversary. I was alone and pregnant with our son. A tiny bit of not anger, but sadness seeps in for all the time that has been lost for our family. And then I realize Im pinning too much on this weekend because it is only the beginning of a long road we have to walk to find ourselves and hopefully build a new relationship between us and a better marriage. I think and maybe im being idealistic, but I think we can emerge stronger from all this as long as the love between us still exists, and I know it does on my part.
I haven’t even been staying at home for the last week because I gave in
to letting my mom help with the baby so I could get some rest. It has helped , a lot. My brother in law has been staying at our house. Now do I ask him to vanish for the weekend, or come and go as Im sure he normally does anyway. Part of me wants him around as a distraction and an icebreaker if we need it. My brother in law picked up my husbands car after he went into rehab, and he brought it to our garage. He thought he would be nice and washed the car one day, cleaned it up on the inside, and looked under the seats and the whole bit. He said he found a small stash of drugs in the car and he flushed it all. This happened weeks ago, but still I know it hurt him. He has been through a lot himself as they used to be close.
I hate drugs and what they do to families.
My husband got approval from his doctor at the rehab to come home on Friday for a weekend. The plan is that he will go back on Monday. I thought maybe expressing my feelings would make me feel better so here goes. I worry about his traveling home alone as he has to fly. I know that is silly but it can be stressful flying with all the security and lines and people. He is still dealing with anxiety from coming off the drugs he was on. I worry about the house he is coming home too. It was our house. But he left. When he left, he left most of his things behind. After a while for my own sanity I boxed up a lot of it because looking at it was too painful. He was gone. I had this incredible urge on Monday to start unboxing all his things. I talked to the family therapist about it, and she said why? do you want to do that now? That is still your home and not his again, not yet. Having all his things boxed up and not there, will serve as a lesson to him that I had moved on without him (at least to some degree). And there is work to do between us before that house becomes our’ home again. Yes it all makes sense, but it still pulls at my heart and makes me feel bad.
Our 4th wedding anniversary is this week. Tomorrrow actually. This I know is partially why he wants to come home. I didn’t remind him of it, but he remembered. That hits me in the heart too, but then I recall that last year while on drugs he didn’t acknowledge our anniversary. I was alone and pregnant with our son. A tiny bit of not anger, but sadness seeps in for all the time that has been lost for our family. And then I realize Im pinning too much on this weekend because it is only the beginning of a long road we have to walk to find ourselves and hopefully build a new relationship between us and a better marriage. I think and maybe im being idealistic, but I think we can emerge stronger from all this as long as the love between us still exists, and I know it does on my part.
I haven’t even been staying at home for the last week because I gave in
to letting my mom help with the baby so I could get some rest. It has helped , a lot. My brother in law has been staying at our house. Now do I ask him to vanish for the weekend, or come and go as Im sure he normally does anyway. Part of me wants him around as a distraction and an icebreaker if we need it. My brother in law picked up my husbands car after he went into rehab, and he brought it to our garage. He thought he would be nice and washed the car one day, cleaned it up on the inside, and looked under the seats and the whole bit. He said he found a small stash of drugs in the car and he flushed it all. This happened weeks ago, but still I know it hurt him. He has been through a lot himself as they used to be close.
I hate drugs and what they do to families.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Anvilhead. Thank you for your thoughts, You are right . I have deeper fears like you mentioned.
Although he already has a ticket to travel back on Monday morning, I do have a fear he will not want to go back and he will think he can come back home. He has not said anything like that however. If he did, there is no way I will agree to him staying with us. It is too soon, he needs much more treatment, and I do too, we do too as a couple. I don’t think he would stay clean if he stops his treatment now. I probably should have directly told him this, but unless that situation happens, Id rather not go there.
I don’t think there could be any drugs in our house. He hasn’t lived here in over a year, and Ive moved things, cleaned things, boxed things, to make it a home for me and my son. But I also know that he could get more drugs with the snap of a finger. I am counting on him not wanting to do that. He doesn’t have meetings to attend, but he said he is going to be checking in with one of his psychiatrist each day he is here.
Foolish maybe to have faith and hope in him, but in my defense Ive never been down this road with him before.
If anyone has suggestions on how this might be made to go more smoothly, please feel free to share.
Although he already has a ticket to travel back on Monday morning, I do have a fear he will not want to go back and he will think he can come back home. He has not said anything like that however. If he did, there is no way I will agree to him staying with us. It is too soon, he needs much more treatment, and I do too, we do too as a couple. I don’t think he would stay clean if he stops his treatment now. I probably should have directly told him this, but unless that situation happens, Id rather not go there.
I don’t think there could be any drugs in our house. He hasn’t lived here in over a year, and Ive moved things, cleaned things, boxed things, to make it a home for me and my son. But I also know that he could get more drugs with the snap of a finger. I am counting on him not wanting to do that. He doesn’t have meetings to attend, but he said he is going to be checking in with one of his psychiatrist each day he is here.
Foolish maybe to have faith and hope in him, but in my defense Ive never been down this road with him before.
If anyone has suggestions on how this might be made to go more smoothly, please feel free to share.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I probably should have directly told him this, but unless that situation happens, Id rather not go there.
I spent a long time walking on eggshells around my son. Not wanting to voice my concerns for fear he wouldn't like what I had to say, or that I'd upset him. Eventually I realized that my thoughts, concerns, worries were valid too and I learned that no matter how difficult it might be, discussing my concerns honestly was always better than holding it all in.
Perhaps you could set up a phone session with him and let him know your worries about the visit. Chances are he might have some concerns too that he'd like to share. Doing so could do a lot to put your mind at ease and let both you and him know what the expectations are for the visit. It could also help to set the stage for open and honest communication, even about difficult things, which is something that's going to have to happen in order for the two of you to rebuild a healthy relationship.
Good luck!
I spent a long time walking on eggshells around my son. Not wanting to voice my concerns for fear he wouldn't like what I had to say, or that I'd upset him. Eventually I realized that my thoughts, concerns, worries were valid too and I learned that no matter how difficult it might be, discussing my concerns honestly was always better than holding it all in.
Perhaps you could set up a phone session with him and let him know your worries about the visit. Chances are he might have some concerns too that he'd like to share. Doing so could do a lot to put your mind at ease and let both you and him know what the expectations are for the visit. It could also help to set the stage for open and honest communication, even about difficult things, which is something that's going to have to happen in order for the two of you to rebuild a healthy relationship.
Good luck!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Life is stressful and we all need to develop skills to deal with day to day issues...that includes him....worrying about what may or may not stress him out accomplishes nothing and takes away from your recovery from codependency.
As for the rest of it...it is what it is, your life has changed, he stuff is boxed up...oh well.
Please don't obsess or project, take one day at a time, watch his actions and if it were me, I would don't make any hasty decisions or committments.
As for the rest of it...it is what it is, your life has changed, he stuff is boxed up...oh well.
Please don't obsess or project, take one day at a time, watch his actions and if it were me, I would don't make any hasty decisions or committments.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Thanks everyone. I know you are right, I have to express my feelings and he has to absorb what Im saying good or bad and deal with it. And vice versa.
After he talked to his main doctor the other day and he gave him approval for the weekend pass', we did have a conference call, and the doctor went over the plan with me, and asked if I had concerns or questions, or rules I wanted ot put in place. I may have made a mistake, but I really didnt give any requests. I did say I was worried about the stress of it for him at this point in treatment, but the doctor seemed to think he could handle it, so I have to trust that.
Tomorrow I have another session with the family therapist and it probably would be good for me to share all my pre-visit anxiety with her. We have been using skype and it has been working out good.
Ive been trying not to focus on it during the day. I worked part time everyday this week so far, and that is helping me find myself both in the realm of this issue with my husband, and the fact that I feel like Im on 24/7 with my infant.
off topic I guess, but its really something how you can lose your identity when caring for an infant. Wearing lazy day clothes, and feeling like your a machine. or is that just me?
After he talked to his main doctor the other day and he gave him approval for the weekend pass', we did have a conference call, and the doctor went over the plan with me, and asked if I had concerns or questions, or rules I wanted ot put in place. I may have made a mistake, but I really didnt give any requests. I did say I was worried about the stress of it for him at this point in treatment, but the doctor seemed to think he could handle it, so I have to trust that.
Tomorrow I have another session with the family therapist and it probably would be good for me to share all my pre-visit anxiety with her. We have been using skype and it has been working out good.
Ive been trying not to focus on it during the day. I worked part time everyday this week so far, and that is helping me find myself both in the realm of this issue with my husband, and the fact that I feel like Im on 24/7 with my infant.
off topic I guess, but its really something how you can lose your identity when caring for an infant. Wearing lazy day clothes, and feeling like your a machine. or is that just me?
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