MTSlideAddict

I am beginning to see that my codependency may have stemmed down from issues prior to living with my AH. After living again with my parents since I left home eleven years ago I am discovering that my mom displays signs of codependency. I have noticed that I am unhappy staying there. I see that my dad drinks a lot. He drinks on a daily basis, and he smokes marijuana I believe semi-daily. Beer is the first thing he gets when he comes home from work. Some days he’ll drink two, but some days he’ll drink all day until he feels good and kiddy. I don’t think he is alcoholic simply because he doesn’t get to a stupor and he leaves alcohol in the fridge, but I do believe it would be classified as abuse. I feel uncomfortable with being around it. I see my mom reacting to his drinking. She tells him when she believes he has had enough. She goes off angrily mumbling to herself if he doesn’t comply. She reacts to his different moods. If he is unhappy, she is. Sometimes she walks around with a scowl, because she makes the decision to take care of something that should have been taken care of by my dad or myself. We didn’t even know those things “needed” to be done. She is controlling even to me. I traveled to their house with my dog, and my mom has completely taken over care of her. My dog is supposed to be my responsibility. I went to feed her and my mom said, “No, I’ll feed her later. She doesn’t eat her food until the evenings.” I’m thinking “what the hell.” I get home from work at 8:00PM and go to cook me something and she tells me, “no. It’s too late to cook. I don’t want the food smell to be in the house.” What does that even mean? Living there is madness. Instead of asking me to take her grocery shopping (she doesn’t drive) she tells me when to take her. I don’t mind taking her, but I would like to be asked instead of told. The more I resist her ways the more she tries to control. It’s like I’m a teenager again. I am thankful that they took me in and are being helpful, but I need to be treated as an independent adult. I need peace and individuality.

I think I want to go home…
I don’t want my relationship with my mom to me strained any further. She is my best friend. I don’t want to burden her/them any longer. I need to sort stuff out for myself. Home seems more appealing right now over my parent’s house. Maybe it’s because my heart won the battle, or maybe it’s because of my unhappiness at my parent’s home. I really don’t know. I just want peace.

I have noticed some things that my mom does I do also. I have picked up some of her behaviors and have applied those to my marriage. I see how she mimic’s my dad’s moods. I see how she feels that she has to maintain complete control over the household to maintain balance. Now I need to learn not to follow those behaviors.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean that I’ll be right back where I started. I guess it doesn’t have to as long as I figure out what I want.

Smiley1

My codependency issues certainly stemmed from my childhood as well; in my case both of my parents were the ACOA...not a lot of drinking in my house, but lots of codie behavior as you can imagine. My parents are good people, but I know at this point in my life, living with them is not an option.

Good luck to you. Ask for some counsel from your HP (doesn't hurt, and can certainly only help)

Cyranoak

It sounds like you've made some progress in understanding yourself. Well done!

Now please consider making your "home" somewhere an alcoholic doesn't live. Consider becoming self-supporting. Home is not where the heart is. Home is where you are safe.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. Your Dad, IMHO, is very much an alcoholic. It's distressing to hear you don't think so. It's obvious from your description. It was like hearing somebody say a smurf isn't blue.

MTSlideAddict

Thanks, I hope I am on the right path. When I first left my marriage home to stay with my parents my intentions was most definitely to find a place of my own. I have not been successful. I live in a city where there is 93% rental occupancy right now. This only gives me 7% chance at finding an unoccupied place and most likely the rent would be sky high unless it is in a rougher neighborhood. Which is what I have been finding. The cheapest, smallest I find is still 50-60% of my income. They won’t approve me especially with having the house and car notes on my credit. Even if they did approve me I know I couldn’t afford it. I will need to make a better plan for myself. Regardless if I stick with my husband or not I should be able to be self reliant.

I feel that my marriage home would be better for me right now. My husband is not currently drinking, while I am going insane at my parent’s house. I say he is not currently drinking because I heard the “promises” before. These promises do have a different ring though. He says he is done with alcohol forever. He says that he will NEVER drink again. I have not heard such words of absolute in the past. I guess this paragraph is displaying my glimmer of hope. I hope it’s not another manipulation pull, but I fear it is. Regardless of what happens to him and his sobriety in the future I need find out what I want- what I need to become self reliant and happy. I need to be sure not to base my happiness on anyone else’s actions, behaviors, or habits.

I guess I didn’t consider him an alcoholic, because he has the ability to stop at two and leave some in the fridge. I know he didn’t drink when he had his teeth pulled and was on medication, which also shows control. However, I do guess my mom wouldn’t feel the need to monitor his drinking if he always showed control in the past. I do remember instances in childhood involving him drinking and angry.

MTSlideAddict

I wonder if this is me right now. I wonder if I will fall flat on my face yet again.

P.S. Quote is from another thread.

NYCDoglvr

Oh yes, codependency doesn't come from living with alcoholics. We pick these people because of it. You've worked very hard and seem to have a lot of insight. I strongly suggest Al-anon and therapy right now. Regarding an apartment how about finding a temporary share with a roommate? Craig's List is full of people looking for roommates. I'm also a recovering alcoholic ... I was an alcoholic long before I picked up my first drink.

LifeRecovery

Looking back, the only way I was going to break the spell of codependency was to have a relationship of some kind with someone who struggles with addiction. The light taps of the two by fours were not getting their point across before meeting my ExAH. Luckily this one really got my attention. I am hoping that I don't have to have a big lesson like this again.

I also lived in a home without active chemical addiction, but I am pretty sure both my parents were ACOA individuals.

NYCDoglvr

Me too. Unfortunately pain seems to be the best teacher.