Life is hard. I hate alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Life is hard. I hate alcohol.
I'm sorry to all of you for bombarding SR with threads today, but I have no one to talk to right now, and I need to express this anger/disappointment before I explode. I just got the baby to sleep. He's so precious and innocent and beautiful. I didn't let myself cry in front of him. I've made it a point since I left my house to not cry in front of them. I can't change what's happened in the past, but I have to protect them from any further stress. My older boy (the four year old) has seen my husband drunk, only once, and I think even though it was over a year ago, he still doesn't look at his daddy the same.
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and my dad was prominent in our church. When I left at 23, I lost every single one of my girlfriends, and pretty much my entire community and network. I look up my old friends sometimes, all the kids I grew up with, and I see their online profiles. It makes me sad that I don't know them anymore and that they don't accept me. Since I left, I met my husband shortly after, and due to his antics, we haven't been able to build a circle of friends.
Last year, his soccer team went on a trip to San Diego for a charity event. He promised me that if my son and I went (I was pregnant with our second son), he would be on best behavior, and wouldn't leave us alone at the hotel to go out. Well, guess what. The first night, he went to a bar with everyone and left us. He never came back to the room. Two of our friends did, to tell me he had been arrested for drunk and disorderly. The next morning he got a cab back from jail. He got mad that I insinuated he had been drinking. He said he had smoked weed, and had a bad reaction. So ridiculous. Anyway, I remember leaving the hotel with our little boy, early the next day. We were skipping the second day of the tournament. My husband was really embarassed and just wanted to get to the car. I was embarrassed too. One of our friends yelled out "We love you guys!" And it made me cry when we got in the car, because I knew we'd probably never see those people again. And we haven't.
He's out drinking right now, his phone turns off when I call it. His account is overdrawn as he's taken all of the cash out for alcohol. Here I am with our sons trying to make the best of things, when I have no vehicle and no pride, because I'm relying on my parents for everything.
He came by last week and brought the boys a bunch of stuff from Toys R Us. It was a little excessive. I looked at it and thought, "Why can't he just play with them?" It was obviously guilt that made him shop like that. He's not here. He comes every few days to see them, but it's not the same.
Now he's on another binge. He's not thinking about our kids. Or me. He doesn't care. I'm the one crying in bed. And thinking about what the future holds for us. They need a real father who is consistent and cares. He wasn't this person when I met him. I know he loves our kids. Why does he have to put us through this. It hurts so much. And at the same time I pity him. I know he is in pain over what he's been through in his life. But I'm also so angry at what he's taken from me. Look at my old photos, I was young and bright, had a silly sense of humor, always laughing, and 25 pounds lighter. Now I look tired, exhausted, negative, beat-down. Alcohol has taken everything from me. He's out partying and he's missing out on our babies. AJ is about to take his first steps and he's not going to be here. Because drinking is more fun.
Having a good cry tonight. Need one.
I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and my dad was prominent in our church. When I left at 23, I lost every single one of my girlfriends, and pretty much my entire community and network. I look up my old friends sometimes, all the kids I grew up with, and I see their online profiles. It makes me sad that I don't know them anymore and that they don't accept me. Since I left, I met my husband shortly after, and due to his antics, we haven't been able to build a circle of friends.
Last year, his soccer team went on a trip to San Diego for a charity event. He promised me that if my son and I went (I was pregnant with our second son), he would be on best behavior, and wouldn't leave us alone at the hotel to go out. Well, guess what. The first night, he went to a bar with everyone and left us. He never came back to the room. Two of our friends did, to tell me he had been arrested for drunk and disorderly. The next morning he got a cab back from jail. He got mad that I insinuated he had been drinking. He said he had smoked weed, and had a bad reaction. So ridiculous. Anyway, I remember leaving the hotel with our little boy, early the next day. We were skipping the second day of the tournament. My husband was really embarassed and just wanted to get to the car. I was embarrassed too. One of our friends yelled out "We love you guys!" And it made me cry when we got in the car, because I knew we'd probably never see those people again. And we haven't.
He's out drinking right now, his phone turns off when I call it. His account is overdrawn as he's taken all of the cash out for alcohol. Here I am with our sons trying to make the best of things, when I have no vehicle and no pride, because I'm relying on my parents for everything.
He came by last week and brought the boys a bunch of stuff from Toys R Us. It was a little excessive. I looked at it and thought, "Why can't he just play with them?" It was obviously guilt that made him shop like that. He's not here. He comes every few days to see them, but it's not the same.
Now he's on another binge. He's not thinking about our kids. Or me. He doesn't care. I'm the one crying in bed. And thinking about what the future holds for us. They need a real father who is consistent and cares. He wasn't this person when I met him. I know he loves our kids. Why does he have to put us through this. It hurts so much. And at the same time I pity him. I know he is in pain over what he's been through in his life. But I'm also so angry at what he's taken from me. Look at my old photos, I was young and bright, had a silly sense of humor, always laughing, and 25 pounds lighter. Now I look tired, exhausted, negative, beat-down. Alcohol has taken everything from me. He's out partying and he's missing out on our babies. AJ is about to take his first steps and he's not going to be here. Because drinking is more fun.
Having a good cry tonight. Need one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Bless your heart! A good cry is okay and probable good for you! Oh those binges! Hate the whole self destructive mess! It does feel like your the only adult hurting in this deal but truly he can't be happy! Take care of yourself. Trust me, you not alone! Sure feels like it but we feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
sending you support and strength. sometimes it just helps to have a good cry and let it all out. and please try not to think about what he is doing or not doing when he is out drinking, because it doesn't seem to be making you feel any better. Think instead about your beautiful children and how you can enjoy being with them tomorrow--is the weather nice, can you plan a short walk to a park with them?
and post away, never worry about that!
and post away, never worry about that!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Emmy - I have no advice but just to let you know I feel your pain.
My AH acts the same. We have been seperated since Nov 11 and he rarely see our 2 boys. He used to take care of the boys when I was at work ( 1 day a week) and now I cannot trust him to do that because he brought them to a bar after school and then drove to our home.
All I can say is ...its ok to have a good cry and let out all that bottled up emotion..I have done it and it feels good to let it ou.
Take care of yourself and your kids...thats all you can do - he can worry about himself.
Big hug to you
My AH acts the same. We have been seperated since Nov 11 and he rarely see our 2 boys. He used to take care of the boys when I was at work ( 1 day a week) and now I cannot trust him to do that because he brought them to a bar after school and then drove to our home.
All I can say is ...its ok to have a good cry and let out all that bottled up emotion..I have done it and it feels good to let it ou.
Take care of yourself and your kids...thats all you can do - he can worry about himself.
Big hug to you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
The toys r us thing rings a big bell with me. When I would really screw up from drinking I would way over buy /give money to my sons. The only way he will stop or make an attempt is to lose whats important. Get to an alanon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I wonder what can say to someone when they're in complete denial about a problem. You said he got mad when you insinuated he'd been drinking. That must be so frustrating for you.
I know it's not the same thing, but this morning I challenged my girlfriend about the state of her home (we don't live together). It was a horrible mess when I first visited there in February. I went around last night after much persuading and it had got much, much worse. The garden was full of weeds, none of the trash had been taken out for weeks and the bed was covered in dust and rubbish.
When I challenged her about it (without shouting) she completely turned on me and gave me grief for "having a go" at her. But I know that anyone with eyes could see that the place was turning into a pigsty.
I like her personality and she's been supportive to me in many ways in recovery. But her inability to manage her home environment combined with her denial has made me want to separate from her.
Sorry to hijack your thread on the topic of drinking but I'm just at a loss to know how to get someone to admit to a problem which is so glaring to anyone else.
I know it's not the same thing, but this morning I challenged my girlfriend about the state of her home (we don't live together). It was a horrible mess when I first visited there in February. I went around last night after much persuading and it had got much, much worse. The garden was full of weeds, none of the trash had been taken out for weeks and the bed was covered in dust and rubbish.
When I challenged her about it (without shouting) she completely turned on me and gave me grief for "having a go" at her. But I know that anyone with eyes could see that the place was turning into a pigsty.
I like her personality and she's been supportive to me in many ways in recovery. But her inability to manage her home environment combined with her denial has made me want to separate from her.
Sorry to hijack your thread on the topic of drinking but I'm just at a loss to know how to get someone to admit to a problem which is so glaring to anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
You are a great and wise person, and a strong mother. Your kids are lucky to have you, and I'm not just saying that.
You've got such clarity about the situation. A really good perspective!
Kids don't need their father, if the father is useless. They need at least one sane strong sensible parent, and they have that in you!
And you WILL get a new group of friends. You sound like an excellent person. If you lived near me I'd have you over in a heartbeat. Your kids could play in the lounge and I'd make apple crumble.
You'll get through this Emmy G!!!!!
You've got such clarity about the situation. A really good perspective!
Kids don't need their father, if the father is useless. They need at least one sane strong sensible parent, and they have that in you!
And you WILL get a new group of friends. You sound like an excellent person. If you lived near me I'd have you over in a heartbeat. Your kids could play in the lounge and I'd make apple crumble.
You'll get through this Emmy G!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by FredG 
make absolutely sure that he understands what you are feeling and the consequences of his actions.
"When you call me a lying *** and slap me, that makes me feel disrespected."
"Oh, I didn't realize!"
No. Boundaries are what's important here. Who cares what he "understands."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
So sorry for your pain. You can save yourself some pain and time by getting some help for YOU. Only he can fix his issues. Read here, go to al anon, read AA's "big book". You cannot force him to place his family over alcohol. Never gonna happen. I wasted 20 years with an A, waiting for him to "get it". I had to laugh at the "bad reaction to weed". My A claimed he snuck a cigarette at a concert (where he abandoned me in my seat for an hour), and it must have been "spiked". When he returned, he bit my arm and then left me at the concert, with his truck. Found out later that he walked miles through the woods to his ex-wife's house & slept in her garage. He's lucky she didn't shoot him.
Run, far and fast. If he finds sobriety, you can always revisit a relationship with him. As an ACOA, I can tell you that no parent is much better than an active alcoholic parent.
Love and good luck!
Run, far and fast. If he finds sobriety, you can always revisit a relationship with him. As an ACOA, I can tell you that no parent is much better than an active alcoholic parent.
Love and good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
Originally Posted by FredG
Don't forget here, us men don't do subtle. Until you ladies tell us that what we're doing is hurting you (and I certainly don't mean physically) we don't catch on.
That statement really triggered me.
Emmy, I''m sorry for what your going through. I don't have any ESH for you, but sending good thoughts your way.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Emmy,
I can relate as far as life is hard and hating alcohol. I hate alcohol because it robbed me of a family. It has destroyed all the adults in my mither's generation.
If alcohol was a person I would kick his/her ass a thousand times over.
Life is hard as hell. But that makes the good times worth it. I never take moments of peace and clarity for granted. I never take anyone's kindness for granted because I know personally how selfish and cruel people can be. I never take laughter for granted because I cry so much and they are both elements.
Keep the hope alive sweetie pie. Give yourself credit for posting and reaching out to us. Savor the laughter of your children and those sweet moments of affection. Motherhood is so rewarding.
One day at a time and don't forget to be grateful for the little things.
Love,
Lily
I can relate as far as life is hard and hating alcohol. I hate alcohol because it robbed me of a family. It has destroyed all the adults in my mither's generation.
If alcohol was a person I would kick his/her ass a thousand times over.
Life is hard as hell. But that makes the good times worth it. I never take moments of peace and clarity for granted. I never take anyone's kindness for granted because I know personally how selfish and cruel people can be. I never take laughter for granted because I cry so much and they are both elements.
Keep the hope alive sweetie pie. Give yourself credit for posting and reaching out to us. Savor the laughter of your children and those sweet moments of affection. Motherhood is so rewarding.
One day at a time and don't forget to be grateful for the little things.
Love,
Lily
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thank you, thank you. The comfort I'm getting here is immeasurable. It's literally getting me through the day. AH texted emailed me a picture from our house, of a window in our room. I thought it was strange, so I called and asked if he was alright. He said he just wanted to see if I could see the miniblinds moving. He sounded hammered. He said he's been taking sleeping meds at night, but no drinking. I started sobbing to him that I hate to see him like this. When he's on a binge he's a mess. I said I'm sorry he is in so much pain but I can't continue counseling while he's drinking and I just need to move on. This is so hard. My four year old said he missed daddy today and he never says that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hang in there, EmmyG, and thanks for being brave enough to remove your children from a situation which will warp them for life.
I just picked up a good pamphlet at an Al Anon meeting, it's called "How Can I Help My Children?" I felt like it put into words a lot of what I was feeling, and helped me feel better about separating me and the kids from my AH.
It's intense, the grief, the sadness, isn't it? Some days when I am nearly lost in it, I keep reminding myself that my kids are no longer living in a toxic home, and that really helps me keep going.
I just picked up a good pamphlet at an Al Anon meeting, it's called "How Can I Help My Children?" I felt like it put into words a lot of what I was feeling, and helped me feel better about separating me and the kids from my AH.
It's intense, the grief, the sadness, isn't it? Some days when I am nearly lost in it, I keep reminding myself that my kids are no longer living in a toxic home, and that really helps me keep going.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by EmmyG
Thank you, thank you. The comfort I'm getting here is immeasurable. It's literally getting me through the day. AH texted emailed me a picture from our house, of a window in our room. I thought it was strange, so I called and asked if he was alright. He said he just wanted to see if I could see the miniblinds moving.
No, it's too much. You're a human being and you've been through enough.
Try this: just filter his texts/calls (whether you can actually do that on your phone or just manually) and only look at his texts or listen to his voice mails once a day. Return calls only if there's an actual question involved. And only look/respond at his messages while you're in the room with another adult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by akrasia
Oh Emmy, what a load of crap. Now you're a 24-hour on-call psychiatric nurse too?
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