rhondaseven

I am recently signed up on here and haven't been to a F2F Alanon in quite a few years. I am a psychology major and study the very thing I find myself in. My AH and I have known each other all our adult life. We have been married for six months now, I now know first hand what alcoholism does to a relationship, family, etc., my step father was an A but not like this; my husband is basically committed to his vices first and me second. With that established I have relentlessly tried to find work to be able to get financially stable. I have always supported myself and furnished my own way, my kids are grown now so it is just me. I have been unable to find work and I am just wore out, I am sure it shows on interviews. My AH has not drank a total of about three weeks in our entire marriage together. He will admit he has a problem only to get me to come home after a weekend binge only to turn around and say he doesn't have a problem. I have gotten a hotel at least 4 times for different weekends because of his behavior is so out there. He rants and raves and talks out of his head, he has busted windows, thrown things, cussed me like I have never been cussed. AND he will try to hide the porn that he watches on MY lap top. Basically I am just so tired. I don't have any energy. I am angry that someone chooses to be this way. And I am angry that I married him. I have been in several marriages and this has caused me to think that I am just so messed up that I can't be married. That there is something wrong with me. I am embarrassed, ashamed. Worried about my few bills that I normally pay that I can't pay right now. I receive school assistance for my college but that won't be until august and I am stressed. I feel very alone. I don't want anyone to know that I have once again failed at a relationship. All appearances I am this stable, together person, great former career but in relationships I have never gotten it right. Sorry so long. Just venting and wanting to get in my car and never come back. But I won't because everything in this house is mine. What a mess. Thanks for listening.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, rhondaseven. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I can sympathize.

Did you know he was alcoholic when you married him? If not, you might want to check with an attorney and see if you can have your marriage annulled. The laws are different in different states. Also, you can lock your computer with a password that he won't be able to figure out. That will keep him from using your laptop, or just take it with you if you leave the house.

I hope you'll stick around here and read and post often. It will help. You are not alone and you will find a lot of support here.

OklaBH

Did you guys live together before marriage? Where did this behavior come from suddenly. Id get gone.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I agree with Suki that using a password on YOUR computer will keep him from visiting porn sites on your computer.

I like reading in the sticky posts (older posts preserved at the top of this main page) - I am always finding wisdom from reading those posts. Here is a link that contains steps that really helped me while I was living with my husbands active addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Katiekate

(((((Rhonda))))

Hi sweetie so glad you found us. I'm so sorry, what you are going through sounds so very painful. Uggggg.

Take sometime to read around the forum, post and get all those negative feelings you have about yourself out.

We are here, it will take sometime but you will sort through all of this.

Rhonda are you safe???? If not, that is the first order of business.

Please keep posting. Love to you Katie

rhondaseven

Thank you everyone for your post. I did know that he drank, I wasn't around for a lot of it and didn't realize that he ever acted this way. I had NEVER seen him do this; I knew he drank though and that was my reservation all these years because I didn't want my children around it and I would never really see him during those years. I would see him on occasion and as you all know it is easy for them to appear normal for a few hours etc., I would say that I am safe and when he does get started drinking I will leave and if he continues I jsut don't come back until it is over and usually he is crying and saying how sorry etc, he is and will not drank for a few days, well now he is doing that, at first he just continued drinking but not out of his head. Now he does try to go a few days before he can pull another one. Had an interview today so hopefully somehting will come of that. I think he is on one of those sex dating sites things of all things. I swear it is so much to take in. I don't know what in the world I was thinking. I will read the suggestions you guys posted and thank you so much for your responses.

transformyself

Welcome to SR.

I was in a horrible funk recently too, upon realizing how screwed I am LOL.

For me, once I came out of denial, I have to work on forgiving myself for getting to this place, be kind to myself, learn from it and regain my commitment to healing myself, no matter what that takes.

Gotta save yourself Sister. I'm glad you're here.

sugarbear1

Relationships are a partnership. It's not that you have failed anything. Maybe your "picker" is just broken and you keep finding the same man in different bodies. I dunno.

Don't see it as a failure, see it as a learning experience. Move on. This situation is getting more difficult each day that passes and you are worth more than this. You went in without full knowledge of who you were with.

What are you doing for you today??

fourmaggie

so you are in a funk and your HONEST about it...good for you!....lets not worry about him...because, well, YOU cant change him UNLESS he is willing too...

so let you, WORRY about you, its called self care
have you thought of an AL ANON meeting...please go, try 6 meetings...and if one group dont snuff up to your standards, try another and more ....

3C's
you did not CREATE this
you can not control it
and there is no cure...

get you back...fix you and only you...
thats what i did...and its been two or more years of CONTENTment of ME!

read as much AL ANON literature and posts as you can...something will click...

lizatola

I recently read a book called, "Women who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood(I think that's the author's name anyway) and it was very eye opening because it wasn't just about picking alcoholics. It really helped me understand why I am drawn to certain people and for some reason your story made me think of that book. There are a few case studies in the book of women who keep choosing men who are bad for them; porn, addictions, spending problems, abuse, etc.

I'm sorry you are struggling, I think that's why so many of us are here. Every situation is different but it's never easy. Yet, the reward for us in the lessons we learn about ourselves is where we will find peace. Keep coming back!

EnglishGarden

Try to be easier on yourself. Shame has no place in your life or your recovery. We are all just newborns on this planet, and we learn many lessons, and each lesson in some way fine tunes our strings. You have been learning, and much of your learning has been in the context of relationship. That does not make you a failure at relationship. It makes you a student. That's all. Some people have hard lessons in the arena of parenting. Some in the arena of power and money. And some of our lessons are more public than others.

I, too, was married to an alcoholic--many years ago--and I, too, was successful in other areas of my life but, apparently, not in relationship. It was my second marriage. My first marriage took place in my last year of college, very young. And because in my history I had a critical, abandoning father, I chose the same kind of man for my first marriage. I'd had no counseling. So I had no awareness. The first marriage was brief, because fortunately I have a low threshhold for emotional pain. I had to leave.

The second marriage was to the alcoholic. He was a brilliant, well-educated man. When he drank to excess, I thought it was due to stress and I forgave and understood. It takes time to really know whether someone has a drinking problem. We are a drinking culture. Getting drunk is not generally criticized in our culture, and when we marry someone who drinks and sometimes drinks too much, we would be called foolish to walk away early in the marriage.

Finding out the truth takes time. It builds, block upon block, through experiences with the man and his relationship with alcohol.

But now you do know and you want to get away and that is right thinking. Keep working toward that goal. Get away, and if you want to stay married and see whether he finds sobriety, then legally separate. But get away. Staying will only damage you.

As for the porn issue, he may as qualify as a sex addict, and if so, then you can find support at S-Anon, a 12 step program for partners of sex addicts.

You have a goal and you have school assistance coming in August. So start planning your exit. And don't place too much value on any material possessions you may have to leave behind. They aren't worth the price you'd pay spiritually in a power struggle. It is not worth that.

You have been learning lessons in your marriages. Use them. You still have every good chance of having a healthy relationship should you want one. In fact, these lessons may be specific preparation for that very thing.

I, too, felt shame, as I was twice divorced by the time I was 30. I was such a lost girl. Then I made a life with a good man and we had 15 years together, unmarried. And there was no pain, no crisis, no insanity. A good stable relationship.

Until the final three years. He had never been a drinker in our relationship, but huge success in his career, some fame, was more than he could deal with. We'd been together 12 years when he started drinking, a lot, and fell in with a drinking crowd. He changed and we ended. I cannot live with an alcoholic.

If we had a been married, it would have been my third divorce. And I would have struggled with shame, too, even though I had had a solid, stable relationship for many years with a good man. And was not responsible for the path he chose.

I hope you will return to school in August, get yourself a safe small place to live, get yourself into a good 12 step group, and find the happy life you seek.

rhondaseven

Thank you everyone. I am planning my exit. And yes, I SOOOOO wanted to be married for the last time. I wanted to have that life skill, I was prepared for it. I had grown and matured and was ready to take on that challenge or so I thought. I believe today that I have to separate from my AH and from there get me back, this is just chipping away at what I worked so hard to build. I was in Alanon for about two years, in those rooms I heard stories of what i am living today. I had no idea what their experiences truly felt like; today I know first hand what this disease does to family members. I used to say that I would rather be an A than a codependent. I worked hard to not be a codependent. I see in this relationship where there are areas that I still sought out that validation in the wrong people. I used to look up to my AH and want him to "pick me" , I see that so differently today, I see him so differently today. I don't need him to pick me, he hasn't so far, he still picks his alcohol but that is his choice, it isn't mine. Anyway, its hard put in words what I have discovered recently about myself. I can remember feeling less than around my AH years ago, like I didn't measure up. but I had no idea that I really always did, he had deceived me into believing something that wasn't true about myself and wasn't true of himself. His own insecurities were being projected on me and I internalized that all these years. Such small things that I didn't realize what they were, such has I can remember him saying "aren't you going to wash the lettuce" you have to do that you know, constantly telling me how to do things, thats a small thing, but a lot of small things. At the time I had such low self esteem that I took it all in like I was so inadequate. Today I am not inadequate. Maybe I just wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't. Terrible way to go about it. Should have just figured that one out on my own. Not meaning that I married him just to get even or establish self worth, but it happened in the process. I learned this being here, maybe I wouldn't have learned that any other way. I am glad I did though. I look forward to moving. August isn't that far away.

dollydo

Marriage was not the answer for me. I finally realized that I had a bad picker and that was never going to change. Both of my husbands died, the last loser I hooked up with never made it beyond BF, now ex.

In all honesty I have no reason to marry, I am self sufficent, not going to have any children, so what's the point? I see none for me.

Still Waters

It's really easy to fall into the "boy I sure suck, look at what I got myself into again" mindset but it doesn't help us do what we need to do to move on.

So, you made a mistake. Okay, we all do it. Now you could try planning how you're going to fix it. Get help, call friends, don't be afraid to say very clearly that you made a terrible mistake and you need some assistance getting out of it?

We're all human and we can all relate to screwing up. :ghug3

This too shall pass.