New and Unsure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
New and Unsure
My husband and I started our recovery together. I am not sure if this is a good idea or not - since this is my first time. I have been in a 12 step program for 17 days so far, as is he. I have not had anything to drink, however he has - not much only 4 beers every 3 days or so...he says he needs it to sleep. The frustration is crazy. I know that I am in this for me and I can not control him or how he does - but it does truly effect me - not sure how to address it really. Hoping maybe someone here has some suggestions or experience with this.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Maydaisy
I can't advise on the general situation, but I think your husband needs reassurance that problems sleeping is very normal for us when we give up. I'm 6-7 weeks sober and am generally feeling great, but I haven't yet had an unbroken night's sleep. I know it will come, but until then I'll put up with poor sleep for as long as it takes for my body to re-learn how to sleep un-anaesthetised.
God bless you - you may have to go it alone, but that could also really help your husband as he sees that you can manage it - we blokes don't like being outdone by you girls ;-)
I can't advise on the general situation, but I think your husband needs reassurance that problems sleeping is very normal for us when we give up. I'm 6-7 weeks sober and am generally feeling great, but I haven't yet had an unbroken night's sleep. I know it will come, but until then I'll put up with poor sleep for as long as it takes for my body to re-learn how to sleep un-anaesthetised.
God bless you - you may have to go it alone, but that could also really help your husband as he sees that you can manage it - we blokes don't like being outdone by you girls ;-)
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by Maydaisy 
My husband and I started our recovery together. I am not sure if this is a good idea or not - since this is my first time. I have been in a 12 step program for 17 days so far, as is he. I have not had anything to drink, however he has - not much only 4 beers every 3 days or so...he says he needs it to sleep. The frustration is crazy. I know that I am in this for me and I can not control him or how he does - but it does truly effect me - not sure how to address it really. Hoping maybe someone here has some suggestions or experience with this.
Problems have the size and weight you allow.
Drop the rock.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Keep on with it, alone if necessary. If he's still drinking then he's not 'in' a 12 step program, he's still on the edge. Saying he needs it to sleep is an excuse and he's fooling himself. I think Michael66 says it pretty well, get yourself well and lead by example.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Alcohol interferes with normal sleep patterns; both REM and slow wave sleep. He's deluding himself that he needs it to sleep. The longer he drinks, the harder it will be for him to establish normal sleeping patterns again. That is his problem.
You are on here writing! Bravo on your current sober time of 17 days and being in a program of recovery. Focus on you and your recovery, that is all you can do right now. Do you have a sponsor? That is where you would direct this situation. When I am upset with someone else, I have to take a look at me and why I am bothered. Pages 66-67 and page 417 of the big book help. Then I can work through it. I am powerless over other people, places, and things. Pages 62-63 also help.
Glad you are here! Stay strong and stay stopped!
You are on here writing! Bravo on your current sober time of 17 days and being in a program of recovery. Focus on you and your recovery, that is all you can do right now. Do you have a sponsor? That is where you would direct this situation. When I am upset with someone else, I have to take a look at me and why I am bothered. Pages 66-67 and page 417 of the big book help. Then I can work through it. I am powerless over other people, places, and things. Pages 62-63 also help.
Glad you are here! Stay strong and stay stopped!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome maydaisy
many members here deal with spouses still drinking...it's harder perhaps but it needn't be a dealbreaker for you - unless you let it be
I hope your husband will decide to follow your recovery example
D
many members here deal with spouses still drinking...it's harder perhaps but it needn't be a dealbreaker for you - unless you let it be
I hope your husband will decide to follow your recovery example
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
Hey Maydaisy,
Easier said than done, I know, but try not to worry about what your husband is doing right now. My husband is a nightly heavy drinker who always keeps wine and beer in the house. I've wanted to do something about my drinking problem for a long time, but I felt that I couldn't do it alone, not with alcohol in the house all the time. So I kept waiting for him to want to quit too, we could do it together.
He does not want to quit though. He knows he should, he knows he has a problem, but he's not ready. I finally realized that by waiting for him to quit with me, I was making an excuse to not quit myself. So I'm doing it on my own, seeing him drink every night, fighting off my own cravings the whole time. (Didn't do such a good job fighting the cravings last weekend, but moving on ....)
It's really hard, I won't lie. But by making this about myself and worrying less about what he's doing, I've managed to get a few sober days under my belt. Some days are easier than others, and I imagine that in a while it will continue to get easier. Sobriety is a battle, and we all have challenges. My challenge is seeing and smelling alcohol every day. It sucks, but other people on here have managed to quit under similar conditions, and I'm doing it too.
I hope to set a positive example for my husband. Sometimes we just have to decide to go ahead and lead the way. Show him how it's done. When he sees the positive changes in me, maybe he'll want that for himself. That's my hope, but who knows if he'll ever quit. I just can't worry about that now; I'm busy trying to save my own ass here.
Come post on the forum when it's bothering you. I've been doing that a lot, and it helps to know you're not alone.
Easier said than done, I know, but try not to worry about what your husband is doing right now. My husband is a nightly heavy drinker who always keeps wine and beer in the house. I've wanted to do something about my drinking problem for a long time, but I felt that I couldn't do it alone, not with alcohol in the house all the time. So I kept waiting for him to want to quit too, we could do it together.
He does not want to quit though. He knows he should, he knows he has a problem, but he's not ready. I finally realized that by waiting for him to quit with me, I was making an excuse to not quit myself. So I'm doing it on my own, seeing him drink every night, fighting off my own cravings the whole time. (Didn't do such a good job fighting the cravings last weekend, but moving on ....)
It's really hard, I won't lie. But by making this about myself and worrying less about what he's doing, I've managed to get a few sober days under my belt. Some days are easier than others, and I imagine that in a while it will continue to get easier. Sobriety is a battle, and we all have challenges. My challenge is seeing and smelling alcohol every day. It sucks, but other people on here have managed to quit under similar conditions, and I'm doing it too.
I hope to set a positive example for my husband. Sometimes we just have to decide to go ahead and lead the way. Show him how it's done. When he sees the positive changes in me, maybe he'll want that for himself. That's my hope, but who knows if he'll ever quit. I just can't worry about that now; I'm busy trying to save my own ass here.
Come post on the forum when it's bothering you. I've been doing that a lot, and it helps to know you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I get it. My husband knows Ive been trying to get sober for over a year. He continued to drink. I havent brought it up in a long time and LO AND BEHOLD...its day 2 he hasnt drank. Thats HUGE for us!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by OklaBH
I get it. My husband knows Ive been trying to get sober for over a year. He continued to drink. I havent brought it up in a long time and LO AND BEHOLD...its day 2 he hasnt drank. Thats HUGE for us!
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