Have I really learned anything yet....?????
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Have I really learned anything yet....?????
Faced with an honest question....I realized the more I learn, the less I know. 
IncitingSilence asked me about "acceptance" and I really thought about that for a long time. I really wish I could have answered yes I understand and have found my way to fully accept my life and choices as my own and can truly accept the choices of others. But that simply was not the case.
My mind really started to think (at 1:00 AM, lol) and I found myself asking this question that so many of you have had to face...the unthinkable, the devastating reality of our children lost and controlled by an evil chemical.
If my 18 yr beautiful, sweet, daughter became an addict....what would I do? Would I accept it knowing there would be nothing I could honestly do anyway. Or would I make myself sick trying to get her to want help, want change and want recovery.
Well, the honest answer would be I would do everything I could to try and save her. I would make myself sick trying. I would be devastated for her. I know it's her life, her journey but I would still try.
But what I have learned, if she chose to continue on that path, I would have to let go. I would let go and allow her - her own journey a lot quicker then I would have a few months ago. My attempts would not become my obsession (at least not for long) like they were with my husband and son as I tried so hard to "fix" them.
Also, I would not allow to live at home while in active addiction, I would not give her any money and would eventually go no contact to save my sanity.
Even with the realization I am powerless over another human being, I would still try and save her.
I try very hard to live Just for Today and that has been very helpful, but last night I wanted to take some time to see what I have learned so far. I learned I have so much more to learn.
IncitingSilence asked me about "acceptance" and I really thought about that for a long time. I really wish I could have answered yes I understand and have found my way to fully accept my life and choices as my own and can truly accept the choices of others. But that simply was not the case.
My mind really started to think (at 1:00 AM, lol) and I found myself asking this question that so many of you have had to face...the unthinkable, the devastating reality of our children lost and controlled by an evil chemical.
If my 18 yr beautiful, sweet, daughter became an addict....what would I do? Would I accept it knowing there would be nothing I could honestly do anyway. Or would I make myself sick trying to get her to want help, want change and want recovery.
Well, the honest answer would be I would do everything I could to try and save her. I would make myself sick trying. I would be devastated for her. I know it's her life, her journey but I would still try.
But what I have learned, if she chose to continue on that path, I would have to let go. I would let go and allow her - her own journey a lot quicker then I would have a few months ago. My attempts would not become my obsession (at least not for long) like they were with my husband and son as I tried so hard to "fix" them.
Also, I would not allow to live at home while in active addiction, I would not give her any money and would eventually go no contact to save my sanity.
Even with the realization I am powerless over another human being, I would still try and save her.
I try very hard to live Just for Today and that has been very helpful, but last night I wanted to take some time to see what I have learned so far. I learned I have so much more to learn.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Love Me not, of course you would try to save her. That is what parents instincts are. I spent the last two and a half years trying to save my son. I love him so much and he has so much potential. It became my obsession and my addiction. I also realized that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. My trying to save became his crutch. In the last three weeks, he broke free by stealing again and running away (at 22). Now he is no contact and we have no idea where he is. I wake up every day missing him, but I also have accepted. Now that I have accepted, I go about my day. I think about him a lot and strangely I have peace. Knowing (really knowing) that I have done everything I could do. I have no more options. Acceptance allows the burden to fall off of us and it is liberating. It in now way means I wouldn't help him if he was truly trying to recover. I now have learned actions, not words... If he wants recovery, he will seek it.
I hope and pray that you never go through another addictive relationship as you of course have had to face. I also hope and pray you let your daughter know you love her but if she begins toying with drugs, find a way to break through that. I am so much more aware of my kids vulnerability now that we have dealt with our oldest. I have a 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who have witnessed first hand the devastation of drugs.
Your posts are always helpful to me
Hugs,
Teresa
I hope and pray that you never go through another addictive relationship as you of course have had to face. I also hope and pray you let your daughter know you love her but if she begins toying with drugs, find a way to break through that. I am so much more aware of my kids vulnerability now that we have dealt with our oldest. I have a 17 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who have witnessed first hand the devastation of drugs.
Your posts are always helpful to me
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Oddly enough for me at least it has been my experience that I am at different places with my different A.
I ask myself is it because oldest AS put me through so much and is locked up so much that I have been able to let go with him.
Middle AS, He calls almost everyday doesn't ask for anything just seeing how I am calls last about 5 minutes. He moved out of town so I do not see him very often. I stopped responding to the other dramas in his life (his wife love to drink and moves in and out)
I acknowledge with uh huh etc... so he knows I am listening once he finishes talking I would always say son your grown it is your choice to make so now the drama calls have stopped.
AH, wow that one seems so new still I am still experiencing different stages of the grief process. Yet, that process has ended with my AS'S .
I do know if DD started I would stay out of her way, I would have contact with boundaries. I would not try and save her.
I ask myself is it because oldest AS put me through so much and is locked up so much that I have been able to let go with him.
Middle AS, He calls almost everyday doesn't ask for anything just seeing how I am calls last about 5 minutes. He moved out of town so I do not see him very often. I stopped responding to the other dramas in his life (his wife love to drink and moves in and out)
I acknowledge with uh huh etc... so he knows I am listening once he finishes talking I would always say son your grown it is your choice to make so now the drama calls have stopped.
AH, wow that one seems so new still I am still experiencing different stages of the grief process. Yet, that process has ended with my AS'S .
I do know if DD started I would stay out of her way, I would have contact with boundaries. I would not try and save her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Dear lovemenot,
I discovered last week that my DS has been drinking at home, I told him my boundaries,and that HE knows I will not hesitate to kick him out of the home if he breaks that rule. He suffers from anxiety, social phobia, add (all thanks to AXH) I told him I was done with the guilt. He is an adult now and he CAN reprogram himself from all the caos he grew up on, he is 100% responsible for his life and I lovingly let him go.
He told me he is "self medicating with alcohol" I told him a will set up an appointment with a Psychiatrist if he wants and he said YES and that is all I can do for him.
I always tell him I love him but I am not willing to go through all the madness again. I AM DONE.
He smiles and says...I know mom...I love you too.
I discovered last week that my DS has been drinking at home, I told him my boundaries,and that HE knows I will not hesitate to kick him out of the home if he breaks that rule. He suffers from anxiety, social phobia, add (all thanks to AXH) I told him I was done with the guilt. He is an adult now and he CAN reprogram himself from all the caos he grew up on, he is 100% responsible for his life and I lovingly let him go.
He told me he is "self medicating with alcohol" I told him a will set up an appointment with a Psychiatrist if he wants and he said YES and that is all I can do for him.
I always tell him I love him but I am not willing to go through all the madness again. I AM DONE.
He smiles and says...I know mom...I love you too.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you so much Teresa.
I used to work with a young kid nicknamed JJ. (I also worked with both his parents). JJ was fun, handsome, smart and I just adored him.
He was always up to something. Putting pot seeds in my desk plant, begging me to buy for him (he wasn't legal yet) or breaking some girls heart. No matter what he did, I just loved him.
Long story short, JJ became an addict, hurt many people, and made so many mistakes. About 1 and 1/2 year ago, he finally hit rock bottom. He is now 27, clean and sober and working on his recovery. He has come a long way.
When ever I see your name, I think of him. I picture your son to look like just him. I remember the pain and frustration his parents went through. Please know, I continue to pray your JJ finds his way too, finds recovery and lives a healthy, productive life. He holds a special spot in my heart and you do to.
I used to work with a young kid nicknamed JJ. (I also worked with both his parents). JJ was fun, handsome, smart and I just adored him.
He was always up to something. Putting pot seeds in my desk plant, begging me to buy for him (he wasn't legal yet) or breaking some girls heart. No matter what he did, I just loved him.
Long story short, JJ became an addict, hurt many people, and made so many mistakes. About 1 and 1/2 year ago, he finally hit rock bottom. He is now 27, clean and sober and working on his recovery. He has come a long way.
When ever I see your name, I think of him. I picture your son to look like just him. I remember the pain and frustration his parents went through. Please know, I continue to pray your JJ finds his way too, finds recovery and lives a healthy, productive life. He holds a special spot in my heart and you do to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I am sure I will forget some of them as I type this my boundaris for each addict are similar yet not the exact on each.
Oldest AS, He can not live with me or come to my place I have a trespassing on him, he can call me if he is not using to my knowledge if he calls and I know he is high I hang up.
He can't drive due to his doctors never have released him he has never had a license due to the schizoaffective... I will not take him anywhere due to his behavior since he will not take his medication. This son always steals so never to be in my home.
Middle AS, He cannot live with me if in active use and he has said he will not smoking pot even if he decides to stop the pills, so he can not ever live with me if hes stays with that choice. He can come visit as long as he is not high. He works and provides for him and his wife but when he was out of work I would not loan him money.
AH, he cannot live with me inactive use and would need to have been in some type program and working it for at least a year before I would even consider us ever being together again. My newest boundary with him is that each month when we do have to see each other over a legal issue will now always be in a public place not in my home.
We cannot go and have dinner or anything together until he sees he has a problem he is in denial.I am considering a divorce with this A.
If DD were to start using she would not be able to stay with me, I would not drive her to work anymore, she could not visit if high, I would not loan or give her any money,I would not go and buy food for her. She could visit if not high.
Any of the A in my life if they came here high we would be no contact at that point.
Oldest AS, He can not live with me or come to my place I have a trespassing on him, he can call me if he is not using to my knowledge if he calls and I know he is high I hang up.
He can't drive due to his doctors never have released him he has never had a license due to the schizoaffective... I will not take him anywhere due to his behavior since he will not take his medication. This son always steals so never to be in my home.
Middle AS, He cannot live with me if in active use and he has said he will not smoking pot even if he decides to stop the pills, so he can not ever live with me if hes stays with that choice. He can come visit as long as he is not high. He works and provides for him and his wife but when he was out of work I would not loan him money.
AH, he cannot live with me inactive use and would need to have been in some type program and working it for at least a year before I would even consider us ever being together again. My newest boundary with him is that each month when we do have to see each other over a legal issue will now always be in a public place not in my home.
We cannot go and have dinner or anything together until he sees he has a problem he is in denial.I am considering a divorce with this A.
If DD were to start using she would not be able to stay with me, I would not drive her to work anymore, she could not visit if high, I would not loan or give her any money,I would not go and buy food for her. She could visit if not high.
Any of the A in my life if they came here high we would be no contact at that point.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
LMN trying to save her would be the worst thing you could do…
There is a definitive line of progression down that the family and child follow. This is not called a family disease without good reason and no one is here by some strange happenstance .... Addiction needs both sides to be all in, and thrives in that fact.
And I got to say that what you wrote about not knowing anything is a good step in the right direction, when you get to where you really get that you know nothing if it isn't yours, then you need to throw yourself a huge party!
I know this is hard for parents to accept but we help them go down further. We give them this time they wouldn’t have had if we only gave one chance, pointed them in the right direction and were up front that we would help one time and stuck to it. While the outcome may not change for the child, removing ourselves from enabling them is a gift to them. No addict child needs their mommies help, just their love and love is so simple it is time and patience and acceptance.
Enabling is not loving, doing anything for isn't either.
And parents are the best of teachers in the madness. Yet what is taught isn’t what our children need to learn. We teach them how to be sneakier, manipulative, more cunning, we teach them how to act so as not to draw attention to themselves, the right things to say and we teach them what relentless means. How many parents just gave in or gave up cash to get some peace … and we do this all by reacting to them. and we react from something in us, because of fear, faithlessness, past pain, learned dysfunction, shame or guilt carried maybe with or without a reason...and what we forget the most is that there is no guarantee for any of us, no time line set, no second chance pre-arranged.. And we miss so much time, for no good reason.
We also remove lessons, give them time to learn how to get around what makes them uncomfortable with each rescue or bail out ... oh how some jail and bail out to suit their own motives....And being addicted to drugs should be uncomfortable, it should be confusing, it should scare them, it should be painful and it should be like this from day one but it can‘t if we constantly rescue, try to help and fix and smooth over. They don’t need us to save their future, they need to save their future, and are the only ones who can.
There is a definitive line of progression down that the family and child follow. This is not called a family disease without good reason and no one is here by some strange happenstance .... Addiction needs both sides to be all in, and thrives in that fact.
And I got to say that what you wrote about not knowing anything is a good step in the right direction, when you get to where you really get that you know nothing if it isn't yours, then you need to throw yourself a huge party!
I know this is hard for parents to accept but we help them go down further. We give them this time they wouldn’t have had if we only gave one chance, pointed them in the right direction and were up front that we would help one time and stuck to it. While the outcome may not change for the child, removing ourselves from enabling them is a gift to them. No addict child needs their mommies help, just their love and love is so simple it is time and patience and acceptance.
Enabling is not loving, doing anything for isn't either.
And parents are the best of teachers in the madness. Yet what is taught isn’t what our children need to learn. We teach them how to be sneakier, manipulative, more cunning, we teach them how to act so as not to draw attention to themselves, the right things to say and we teach them what relentless means. How many parents just gave in or gave up cash to get some peace … and we do this all by reacting to them. and we react from something in us, because of fear, faithlessness, past pain, learned dysfunction, shame or guilt carried maybe with or without a reason...and what we forget the most is that there is no guarantee for any of us, no time line set, no second chance pre-arranged.. And we miss so much time, for no good reason.
We also remove lessons, give them time to learn how to get around what makes them uncomfortable with each rescue or bail out ... oh how some jail and bail out to suit their own motives....And being addicted to drugs should be uncomfortable, it should be confusing, it should scare them, it should be painful and it should be like this from day one but it can‘t if we constantly rescue, try to help and fix and smooth over. They don’t need us to save their future, they need to save their future, and are the only ones who can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
We all have so much to learn. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease.
I made so many mistakes with my son and did it over the course of a very long time. Incitingsilence did an excellent job of describing that unhealthy dynamic. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions........I've laid a lot of bricks on that road.
Everything I did, I did in the belief that it was the loving thing to do. I thought that it was my responsibility to fight like hell for my son's sobriety. I thought it was what any loving mother would do......I didn't get it.
This recovery stuff is a process. I expect to be learning about myself for the rest of my life. I am a lifelong student of ME......
You've come a long way and I'm glad you're here to share your journey with us.
gentle hugs
ke
I made so many mistakes with my son and did it over the course of a very long time. Incitingsilence did an excellent job of describing that unhealthy dynamic. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions........I've laid a lot of bricks on that road.
Everything I did, I did in the belief that it was the loving thing to do. I thought that it was my responsibility to fight like hell for my son's sobriety. I thought it was what any loving mother would do......I didn't get it.
This recovery stuff is a process. I expect to be learning about myself for the rest of my life. I am a lifelong student of ME......
You've come a long way and I'm glad you're here to share your journey with us.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you so much Kindeyes -
Finding SR was one of the best thing I have done for ME in a long time. I know my journey will be a lifetime of learning and growing and along the way I will make many mistakes. But each mistake will be another learning experience, I allow it to be.
I try to be gentle and understanding with myself but sometimes I get so frustrated with my growth progress.
Two things I do know ~
1. I need to work harder. You get what you put into it.
2. And it will be worth every minute of MY time and I am worth it.
xoxox
Finding SR was one of the best thing I have done for ME in a long time. I know my journey will be a lifetime of learning and growing and along the way I will make many mistakes. But each mistake will be another learning experience, I allow it to be.
I try to be gentle and understanding with myself but sometimes I get so frustrated with my growth progress.
Two things I do know ~
1. I need to work harder. You get what you put into it.
2. And it will be worth every minute of MY time and I am worth it.
xoxox
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