EmmyG

As I've been posting, AH and I have done counseling twice in the last two weeks, and we have an appointment coming up this Thursday. We are still living apart of course, and that's the plan for the forseeable future.

He had a court hearing this morning on a misdemeanor trespassing charge he got while his friend was here visting from England last month (when he proceeded to go on a drinking binge). They were at a hotel and got into some kind of altercation with someone there, and he tried to exit through the parking lot. (This is all according to him, of course.)

Anyway, the hearing was this morning at 8:30, and I haven't heard from him at all today. It's now almost 3PM. So the codie in me just checked his banking activity and he's been at a bar today, and was also there a few days ago. I don't know why I'm even surprised, but I feel devastated. He's such a liar. I hate this. I had a little hope in me still. Now I don't know what to do with someone I can't trust even in the slightest. Now I feel like a fool again and I can't believe he's even had the nerve to discuss his trust issues with me in our therapy sessions.

I'm so angry. I don't want to tell him I checked his account, but I feel like he has to know that I know. I just want to tell him I hate him and that I want a divorce. Me checking his account has been one of his major issues with me and one reason he doesn't "trust me at all."

I'm so sick of this : ( I feel so sad and confused. Who is this person...? He's been telling the therapist how I do crazy things like check his bank account. I know it's wrong, but I feel somewhat justified due to the lying.

Is it wrong that sometimes I wish he would just disappear, so I could grieve that, and move on? I feel like I'm stuck with this nightmare forever, because of our children. Short of taking them and running away, I'll have to deal with him for the next 18 years. Such a depressing thought. I hate being here at my parents. The baby needs me constantly and is so attached to me, he won't even let my mom take him. I love him so much, but it's exhausting, because I work from home as well as take care of my kids 24/7. I love my kids so much. I feel like a zombie. I'm trying not to show the stress, but I feel like a little kid. I don't have my own car, so I have to rely on my family for rides, and I feel like such a loser. Especially having no life here where they live.

This sucks. I don't see it getting any better. Why did I marry such a sick, liar of a person? My kids are going to pay for that decision for the rest of their lives. I should be enjoying life, not crying myself to sleep at night.

Ack, what a weak moment.

sweetteewalls

Emmy don't check his bank account anymore. It will only hurt you. I did the same initially with phone bill, etc...you can't consume yourself with what he is doing. Let him be and keep doing for you. You can even still go to counseling but be honest about your findings. It is rough and you don't deserve it. My car is in my AH name too and I worry...but we can't control that. Focus on you and kids.

allforcnm

Emmy. I can understand how you are feeling about your kids right now. I have a five month old and sometimes I feel like 1/2 cow, and 1/2 robot. I got so exhausted that I voluntarily moved back in with my parents for a while just so I could sleep and fight off exhaustion. My husband is in rehab right now, so I feel fortunate to have them for help.
Things will get better for you just work on an overall plan for yourself, and keep at it day by day. Hope you feel better soon.

amy79

Hugs. I totally understand exactly where you're coming from. Would be great to be done and over with it all, grieve and be done.
Take mini breaks. Focus on the kids and forget about everything except the essentials.
Good luck!

choublak

Why do you feel you are stuck with him for the next 18 years?

EmmyG

I just mean dealing with him until my kids are grown, even if we're divorced.

dollydo

Unfortunately, the responsibility of dealing with him for the next 18 years goes with the territory, all you can do is to protect your children, not being exposed to his addictive personality day in a day out is a good starting point for your children.

Checking on his account accomplishes nothing but upsetting you. How would you feel if he checked on yours? If it were me, I'd be upset, checking on how he spends his money won't stop him from drinking.

choublak

Also, how do you feel about individual counseling, for yourself?

Endofline

For years I would just get this gut wrenching feeling that he was lying about talking to drug dealesrs or where he was going . I had the pass codes at the time and every time I checked up I was right. It consumed me though and when I told him that I knew he finally blocked me from everything. Bit we all know in our hearts and we aren't crazy and we shouldn't have to do things like this . If we were in healthy relationships this wouldn't happen. I feel your pain I also had three kids from a previous marriage so with all this going on and consuming me and exhausting me mentally and physically, I tried to put on a happy face for them but it took away from me actually being the best mom I could be. I was there but I wasn't always fully present or enjoying them the way I would have liked or they deserved. This all took it's toll and you it didn't stop him for one minute from doing exactly as he always did. The only losers were me and my children he was so selfish and sick himself that he never even said I'm sorry I know your right. This is now 4 years later I wasted so much time so many milestones and holidays and just plain ordinary days with nothing to look back on but constant fighting anxiety disappointment depression financial ruin humiliation. The list goes on and on and I too grieve for the man I met that is never coming back.

suki44883

Emmy, it's true you will have to deal with him until the kids are legally adults, but with a divorce, the rules will be spelled out. There will be set visitation and child support, and you do not have to discuss anything with him other than as regards specific things with the kids.

I know it is a lot to deal with, but really, once everything is legal and signed by the judge, you will be so much more free and his lies won't affect you so much.

changeschoices

I am so sorry, Emmy. This is why couples counseling doesn't work with an active A. You are going with the best of intentions and putting your heart into it, and he is out hitting the bars. I don't think it's bad that you checked his bank account, because at least now you know he is not staying sober/being honest with you. I wouldn't tell him you checked, though, as he will just be angry with you and then you'll get a heapin' helpin' of blame.

He will probably have to keep falling and falling and falling before he reaches rock bottom, if he ever does. The best thing to do is stay separated, for your own sanity.

You sound like such a nice person, and no offense, but he sounds like a jerk and possibly a criminal jerk. I think you deserve a lot better than this.

I used to work from home when my children were small. It was really hard! Do you make enough money to hire a mother's helper or pay for daycare even if just for a few hours a day? I know that, as a mom, when I have dedicated time without the kids to get work done, I can turbo through it like I'm on fire!

changeschoices

Checking his account has been one of his major issues with me and one reason he doesn't "trust me at all".

In other words, he knows that YOU can't trust HIM at all, but he's turning it around on you. Yuck!

beckylee123

Sending huggs ,Ii'm going through similar situation. He won't go to therapy with me but is going on his own. He is in big time denial. Only wants to talk to his therapist about mommy issue. Won't go to AA but i'm going to Al-Anon and I'm feeling a lot better. Getting lots of support. Your not alone. Hold those kids tight. They need you strong keep reaching out.

EmmyG

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. Should I pull the plug on therapy? I don't think I can go now, knowing he's drinking secretly.

LifeRecovery

EmmyG

What about individual therapy for you? Is that an option? Then it still allows you to get your very important stuff out, but it does not matter what he is engaged in.

Counseling is the best money I have ever spent on me.

EmmyG

Yes, I'm going to go this week! I need it. I think I need help with the moving on process. I need to remove myself from the chaos officially and move on with my life.

akrasia

Dear Emmy, is there a part of you that wants to tell him and therapist that you've found all this on the bank account and so you're once and for all finally JUSTIFIED in your decision to leave?

1. Here's the good news: you don't need your husband's understanding or buy-in to leave. Even if you didn't know about the bank account activity: you can just decide it's been enough. His drinking is out of control, so you're leaving for the good of yourself and your kids. You don't owe ANYONE an explanation beyond that.

2. The therapist is a dumb-a**. She sat there nodding her head whilst you described being beaten in your own home. And now she listened to how "crazy" you were to check the bank account details? He's jeopardizing the family's well-being with drug abuse and criminal activity--and YOU'RE the crazy one for checking the bank account details? The therapist didn't point this absurdity to your AH? What a maroon. Don't bother checking the account anymore though--you already know what you need to know.

3. Don't beat yourself up that you married someone who turned out to be a crazy abuser. You're a decent person. Decent people start from the assumption that others are decent, until they see evidence to the contrary. Now you've seen it, and you're taking hard steps to get free and make sure your kids have a happy life. This makes you a strong and good person.

4. It's hard to see now, but try to be thankful for your healthy kids, your youth, your PARENTS, the resources available to you.

Thinking of you.

changeschoices

Find a new therapist, one for YOU, and go. Like the PP poster said, your current therapist really sounds clueless. There are all kinds of therapists out there and some of them really stink. If you keep going to couples counseling with your current counselor, you are just going to keep treading water in the chaos and lies of addiction. It's not going to help you, and it may very well be a professionally sanctioned continuation of your abuse.

Read "Why Does He Do That", it will help you tremendously, I think. It's about abusers, about how they act in therapy, and also there is an entire section about the addicted abuser and how addiction does not cause or excuse abuse. This book really opened my eyes!