I'm New Here - An Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8
I'm New Here - An Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Hello. Thank you to everyone who is here and dedicated to others who struggle with addiction or family with addiction.
My mother was an alcoholic from the time I was a little kid and she died young as a result. She did have a few good, sober years, though, and I was lucky enough to know her before the end and realize that she was not her addiction. It is a perspective I use daily now.
My current situation is that I help my husband take care of his mother. She is 74 and an alcoholic who is in complete denial. She also has moderate dementia, which could be a result of alcohol use, as well as congestive heart failure and some other health issues. We uprooted our entire life 2 years ago when she her first serious health crisis due to her alcohol use and we have dedicated ourselves to looking after her ever since. For a year we lived in her home with her, but when she was feeling a little better, she wanted her privacy and space back, and our presence was not preventing her from drinking. So we moved into the house next door to her and now we check on her at least twice a day and we prepare heart-healthy food for her.
Every day we struggle with what the right things to do are. If we talk to her about how alcohol use is hurting her health, she just gets furious, denies that she has a problem, and tells us to get out of her life. But if we just pretend like everything is OK, we feel that we are being irresponsible. We do take her to the doctor and make sure her health-care professionals understand that she is a heavy drinker on a daily basis even though she claims that it is not true. Her dementia is mild enough that most people do not realize that she is impared.
I read a lot of the posts and blogs from people like the ones I see in this community, and it gives me a lot of comfort and strength. I believe that reinforcing the basic truths of these situations is very important.
I guess my biggest questions come down to things like "How can we make her stop drinking?" and "How can we keep her safe?" but I know these questions can't really be answered by anyone.
Thanks for listening.
My mother was an alcoholic from the time I was a little kid and she died young as a result. She did have a few good, sober years, though, and I was lucky enough to know her before the end and realize that she was not her addiction. It is a perspective I use daily now.
My current situation is that I help my husband take care of his mother. She is 74 and an alcoholic who is in complete denial. She also has moderate dementia, which could be a result of alcohol use, as well as congestive heart failure and some other health issues. We uprooted our entire life 2 years ago when she her first serious health crisis due to her alcohol use and we have dedicated ourselves to looking after her ever since. For a year we lived in her home with her, but when she was feeling a little better, she wanted her privacy and space back, and our presence was not preventing her from drinking. So we moved into the house next door to her and now we check on her at least twice a day and we prepare heart-healthy food for her.
Every day we struggle with what the right things to do are. If we talk to her about how alcohol use is hurting her health, she just gets furious, denies that she has a problem, and tells us to get out of her life. But if we just pretend like everything is OK, we feel that we are being irresponsible. We do take her to the doctor and make sure her health-care professionals understand that she is a heavy drinker on a daily basis even though she claims that it is not true. Her dementia is mild enough that most people do not realize that she is impared.
I read a lot of the posts and blogs from people like the ones I see in this community, and it gives me a lot of comfort and strength. I believe that reinforcing the basic truths of these situations is very important.
I guess my biggest questions come down to things like "How can we make her stop drinking?" and "How can we keep her safe?" but I know these questions can't really be answered by anyone.
Thanks for listening.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Welcome to the family! :ghug3 Please look at this forum for people who share your experiences.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Oh, you can't 'make' her stop drinking. She has to want to stop herself.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Oh, you can't 'make' her stop drinking. She has to want to stop herself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi Rosiev
that must be a very tough situation and I'm sorry. I think you're doing all the right things tho - you've spoken to her about your concerns, you let her Drs know what the situation is, and I presume you're not enabling her drinking in any way.
I don't know that there's much more you can do with a responsible adult (and it sounds like she still is one legally and able to run her own affairs more or less?)
I know you'll find a lot of support here tho - you may also want to check out the Family and Friends forums as well as the link least posted
D
that must be a very tough situation and I'm sorry. I think you're doing all the right things tho - you've spoken to her about your concerns, you let her Drs know what the situation is, and I presume you're not enabling her drinking in any way.
I don't know that there's much more you can do with a responsible adult (and it sounds like she still is one legally and able to run her own affairs more or less?)
I know you'll find a lot of support here tho - you may also want to check out the Family and Friends forums as well as the link least posted
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 8
Hopefully Not Enabling
Thanks Dee74! We do bring her food every day and I hope that doesn't qualify as enabling. Really, we are doing it to support her in following the diet prescribed by her doctors, although sometimes I wonder if it just makes it easier for her to stay drunk since she doesn't have to get her own food.
Technically she is a legally responsible adult, but to us she is really on the edge. She does not behave very responsibly at all. She ignores all of her mail and bills, but the important ones are on auto-pay, so she isn't at risk of getting her power shut off or anything. She does not bathe or wash her clothes regularly. She insists that she can take care of herself and gets very angry if we try too hard to help her with things. We struggle with trying to get her to bathe and wash clothes when so often she ends up angry at us. She CAN do it when she gets motivated, but that doesn't happen too often. And our attempts to intervene, however gentle or stern, do not motivate her at all.
I'm glad you mentioned enabling. That is something I worry about a lot. We love and care for her, but do not want to contribute to her destruction.
Technically she is a legally responsible adult, but to us she is really on the edge. She does not behave very responsibly at all. She ignores all of her mail and bills, but the important ones are on auto-pay, so she isn't at risk of getting her power shut off or anything. She does not bathe or wash her clothes regularly. She insists that she can take care of herself and gets very angry if we try too hard to help her with things. We struggle with trying to get her to bathe and wash clothes when so often she ends up angry at us. She CAN do it when she gets motivated, but that doesn't happen too often. And our attempts to intervene, however gentle or stern, do not motivate her at all.
I'm glad you mentioned enabling. That is something I worry about a lot. We love and care for her, but do not want to contribute to her destruction.
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