lizatola

So, AH got home in the middle of the night last night from his jail stay. He said he's done and doesn't have to go back. Guess they let him out on good behavior or something. Anyway, he seems humble and quiet today, mostly just going about a normal day here.

Then, our son starts talking about the FL trip and that peaks AH's curiosity. He's asking about how much it will cost, etc but not in a mean way, he just seemed curious. Then, he says, "I could use my free airfare ticket and come out for a week and visit. Just gotta find someone to watch the dog." Ummm, great. Now what? I am hoping that he drops the idea because I wasn't about to say, in front of our son, that gee I really don't want you to come because I'm not feeling much of anything for you and I need some space.

A few minutes later he approaches me in my office and asks me if I need him to pay any bills while I'm gone. Again, this is just weird. He knows most of our stuff is set up on automatic payment plans and that I take the bills with me when I need to pay them. He was only gone for 48 hours and it's like he's trying to insert himself into the family unit again. Like everything should be back to normal now that he's out of jail. I'm trying to just be pleasant, trying to let go of any edge I have to my voice or countenance, and I'm just biting my tongue.

So, now I'm confused. I'm guessing he's in the remorse stage after having been in jail for a few days and he's trying to prove that he's useful around here or something. Maybe he's threatened by the fact that I did a bunch of manly jobs around the house this weekend and that I take care of just about everything around here and that we didn't wither away and die while he was gone? Who knows, but I find it all confusing. One day he's quacking about how he doesn't care about our son's emotions and defending his driving on a suspended license and then the next week he's Mr Nice Humble Guy. Which freakin' one is it? GAH!

I wrote him a letter this weekend basically telling him I am not happy living with his inconsistencies, his continued alcohol use and disregard for his driving restrictions, and that I need the FL trip to get a break. I told him I know about his alcohol abuse and that I feel that we are raising our son in an unhealthy environment. Now, I have to check my motives, of course, and I will be sharing this letter with my therapist tomorrow. I never try to control him in the letter. There is no begging for him to get help, no telling him to go to AA, nothing like that. It's all about how I feel and how I need a break from living with his jekyl and hyde behavior. Now, I'm just wondering if and when I give it to him?

Tuffgirl

He's playing the "let's pretend this didn't happen" game. I think its normal for alcoholics to just simply view something in the past (and his jail time is now in the past) with the attitude of "let it go". Its easy to sweep it under the rug without acknowledging how their behavior effected anyone else around them.

You do have the right to say you are going to FL alone.

As far as the letter - that is up to you to decide. But you are right - make sure you are doing this for all the right reasons, not to try to change his behavior.

Katiekate

Hi Liz, if it were me, and i am not in your shoes, I would proceed just as you were before the jail time.

There is no reason why you shouldn't, he wants to sweep it under the rug, but mister inconsiderate will be back.

My guess, it won't take much.

Take care of yourself , take the time you need to focus on you and your son.

Keep us posted. love to you Katie

Seren

You have every right to ask him not to join you in Florida. Sometimes it's hard to tell people "no", but I think if you give it shot, you just might realize the other "no's" get easier in time.

One of my favorite expressions: "If I can't say no, then my yes is meaningless."

Justfor1

Im guessing that you thought the jail time would be your husbands "rock bottom". The truth is he may get another DUI if he is an alcoholic that doesn't stop drinking. License or not, he continues to drive. It's very typical of an alcoholic who gets a DUI. I heard once that you "can't scare an alcoholic into sobriety". It can help change an alcoholics pattern temporarily though. I would go on the trip by yourself & your child.

dollydo

His DUI and punishment (or lack of) has had no effect on him, in his mind he has gotten away with the "crime" and unfortunately, this only adds fuel to his fire,IMHO, he will most likely get another one very soon.

In the meantime, just be clear, no, I need some quality time...for me.

Living with an addict is always confusing and unpredictable, take some time for you, go to Florida and enjoy the time with your son, you both deserve a break!

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here. those actions sound like what i used to do. have major guilt over my actions and try to swep in under the rug, start being kind and considerate, have a pity party for lack of recognition for how i had changed in a few days, then start drinkin again and back to the insanity. best move my sons mom did was throw me out.

lizatola

LOL, I had to laugh at something that just happened a few hours ago. I was resting on the couch but had to get up to get my son to a tennis lesson. AH comes out and says he can take our son. Umm, no, I said I'll do it, thanks. He again said it's no problem. So, I said, "Aren't you still on a suspended license?" He said, "That doesn't start until I do my house arrest." I said, "So, the 90 day license suspension has a few days of freedom built in?" He got all huffy and walked out of the room. I was waiting for the snarky comeback but I think he realized that I wasn't going to back down and that I was right. He is on a work permit now, still considered a suspension and I don't want him driving our son around. He got the picture and hid in his office.

lizatola

And, this is why I'm currently collecting a few numbers for legal counsel this week. I need to find out about my rights in my state in case he does get another DUI or in case I feel I need to protect myself further financially. I plan on consulting with a lawyer by the end of the week. He may seem like Mr Nice Guy right now but he's still got 11 days of home detention coming up and he knows he's at my mercy and he knows that he can't help me with errands, driving our son to stuff, etc. Once that 11 days is over, I'm wondering who I'm going to be dealing with.

FindingJoy

All very typical addict behavior. It's so predictable but that didn't stop me from getting annoyed or hoping he would follow a new and better pattern.

lizatola

Well, I wish it was typical to me but he was dry for 15 years and this drinking is new to me. He's still being nice and normal for the most part. Watching TV with the family tonight was something he hasn't done in a while so I can tell he's making an effort to get back to being involved with the family. Again, once his 11 days of home detention are over, we'll see how he's going to behave.

Right now, I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Up and down, up and down, just trying to keep up with his moods and behaviors. Absolutely crazy making.

aliveforme

Why is it we live with this, know that they have these patterns and at times continue to hope that they will change? I think RA's recover as fast as a mountain moves.....

FindingJoy

Lizatola.... It's madness, confusing, mind blowing, bizarre, annoying, frustrating, sad, scary, irritating to live with an active addict and often times one who is sober and not embracing true recovery.

I know the chaos all to well and went back for mre maaaaany times hoping it would be different "if" and "when" and "this time because" it was te same ending each and every time.

I needed to really get exhausted before I went no contact. I was spent emotionally and physically. My spiritual self saved me before I caused further damage to my self.

Please if you can keep your expectations extremely low. I know easier sad than done.

BIG HUG

Fathom

(((((hugs)))))
This is classic Jekyll and Hyde isn't it? Only, isn't it funny that we think, "oh, wow! Look! He's sitting quietly in the chair and calmly watching TV with us! How nice he's being!"

I say, no. That's not nice. There's no effort to sitting and watching TV. This is not showing his willingness to address the roots of his addiction. He's just coasting, and hoping it'll be enough to get you to feel warm and fuzzy toward him again.

When my AH started going to AA, my therapist suggested cautious optimism, but not before then. Carry on making plans for your own fun and peace with your son. Your AH will figure out how to catch up with you when he wants to.

:ghug3
Fathom

akrasia

Dear Liz,

If you don't feel able to say to your husband: "Things are so crazy here I think son and I could use some time apart from you," then how safe is this environment generally for you and your son? What you're describing sounds like an absolutely insane environment for a 13-year-old kid to grow up in.

Re: the driving on a suspended license:

1. Check your insurance. If he gets into an accident whilst driving on a suspended license he most likely won't be covered at all. Even if it's not his fault.

2. If he god forbid injuries or kills someone whilst driving on a suspended license--and it comes out that you knew he was driving on a suspended license and did not notify the court--YOU could be sued.

kpfinn

omg Akarasia -- You just scared me so much! My AH has a 6 year suspension and drives all the time. He no longer lives with me but I told him I won't file for divorce until he can get medicare. He had cancer and is on my health insurance. If he gets in an accident I guess we lose everything. But worse it is the moral question of knowing that he is doing this and not reporting it. I am not sure how to handle this.

lizatola

I know, isn't it crazy that we think that their ability to sit in the room with the family and just watch TV is being nice? For the past few months, he'd be hiding in his office watching Netflix on his computer with headphones and he'd come out once we all went to bed. That became the normal.

I am going to be talking to my therapist today about whether I should give him the letter I wrote. He'll definitely understand that I don't want him to come to FL with us!

Tuffgirl

My husband did this very same thing for several years. He hid from our family. Hid and drank. Every once in a while he would do something nice, participate at a superficial level, and then go right back to the hiding and drinking. And amazingly he would complain he was left out of the family activities and goings-on. Then he'd go back to hiding and drinking.

Now that he is sober - he still hides. Hides and watches movies or plays video games. Hides from life. I have come to the conclusion this guy is a complete and total loner and it probably had nothing to do with alcohol. Funny how we start out thinking the alcohol is the problem, only to remove the alcohol and find there are many, many problems underneath that spew out sideways regardless.

Whats even more amazing when I look at it objectively is how CLASSIC these behaviors are to alcoholics. And all throughout the AA Big Book are passages on alcoholics thinking they are unique.

lizatola

He was like this on and off for the 15 years of our marriage when he was dry. I don't know if they are related to the alcohol abuse or what. I used to think he had a personality disorder and I have called him a master manipulator over the years. He has to win at all costs and be right all the time. My therapist says he's a narcissist, I guess that's as fitting as anything. I always knew there were LOTS of problems, LOL. When he decided to start drinking 2 years ago, that's what scared me the most. His personality and character issues combined with alcohol??? NOT a great idea. And, he admitted he had started drinking because of his depression and anxiety. Then he tells me the drinking got out of control because of the Paxil, yet he's not getting off the Paxil. Well, if the Paxil contributed to the alcohol abuse, shouldn't you think about getting on a new medication. Nah, why bother right? That would just take effort, he can handle the cravings all by himself. And, so, he has been drinking again. It's only a matter of time until it all comes crashing down.

lizatola

I do. I've been doing good with it. Just living my life but since he works out of the house I get to 'experience' all his ups and downs daily. Just because I witness them doesn't mean I react to them. I just leave the room or go do something by myself. Well, I also ignore it and wonder: gee, must suck to live like that, LOL!