lady2424

I havent written on here in a while. I first wrote about 2 1/2 yrs ago at the begging of my relationship with my current bf. Early on in our relationship I realized he had a problem with drinking and then I learned that he had been to rehab. I would find empty bottles, catch him in lies about what he drank and find him drunk first thing in the morning. Over the past 2 yrs this has improved. He is a functioning alcohol abuser I guess I’d call it. He managed to finish college (took 8 yrs due to drinking) and is looking for a job now. He doesn’t drink much or at all during the week, usually just on weekends. His drinking has caused issues with family members who are concerned and almost all of our fights revolve around his drinking .. more so because everything else that ever upsets me takes a back seat to the drinking because I’ve learned to not care or get upset about the other things because the drinking hurts so much more. He can usually go for about 3 weeks before he has a weekend that I catch him lying about drinking and hiding bottles and find out that he did coke. During this time he usually drinks alone and hides it from everyone. Two weeks ago it happened again. This will be our 4th break up due to his drinking. I know I am enabling him by always taking him back and that part is my fault. It’s just so hard to walk away from someone I love. He is an amazing person. We enjoy so much together like cooking, taking the dogs for walks, working out. So after the most recent time he told me he’d quit again. And then he spent the next 3 days drunk calling me. Then on the 4th day he called to say he was getting a counselor. He has his first appointment tonight. Part of me felt a relief when I ended it but the other part was sad and missed him. And now I feel like I am abandoning him when he may actually get the help he needs. I love him but I have been through so much pain and hurt and stress I don’t know how much more I can take. I want to believe him this time but it’s been the same thing over and over again for 3 years. Whenever I talk about being upset about the drinking he tells me I am overreacting or that I need to relax or calm down. I brought up being upset about being lied to last weekend and he said I need to get over it and I just need to stop worrying. I feel awful for what I am about to say but part of me wants to walk away and stop spending every day of my life worrying about someone else and start caring about myself. I want someone to look out for me for once or to go away fro a weekend and not have to worry about coming home to a bf that has fallin apart. I cant keep this up. But I cant seem to leave. I am exhausted, sad, confused and drained.

suki44883

Unfortunately, it sounds as if not a thing has changed since you last posted. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. After 2.5 years, you have seen exactly what you are getting with him. It doesn't sound like he has any desire to change, and why should he? You keep coming back.

There are lots of amazing people out there who like to walk their dog, workout and cook, who aren't alcoholics. You'll never meet them, though, until you let go of where you are. You deserve better. You will get over him. Give youself a gift and live your life for YOU, not this guy.

lightseeker

I certainly don't know about him and what he is going to do but it sounds like a great time to start working on you. Just posting here and reading the sticky's at the top of our forum are a great start.

I know that I didn't realize just how bad the issues I was dealing with were until I started to learn about addiction and what the consequences could be/can be on the loved ones. Addiction is a disease that affects the user and the ones that love them. Even without knowing it we can become very sick and misguided in our own thinking - and begin to tolerate the intolerable. All in the name of love.

Years ago I read a book called "If it Hurts it isn't Love". That title helped me to understand that what I was involved in was not a loving relationship. I knew that loving an active addict and alcoholic was going to be unhealthy and knew enough to get into my own recovery. I believe that doing that has saved my life. It's been a slow process for me but I am grateful for the tools that have helped me to value myself enough to set boundaries and leave relationships that are toxic for me.

It was hard for me to walk away from all of the promises. But now I truly understand that recovery has to come from the inside and not to save a relationship. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I've also learned that taking a front seat to addiction and attempts at recovery is about the most painful thing in the world.

No one is asking you to stop loving him. My suggestion is maybe to do that from afar until you see if he is really going to make any changes. I stood by my husband for 6 years while he promised that he was going to get back into recovery/go to meetings/be different. Finally, I decided to step away until he demonstrated that he was really doing it - it's been over a year now and he has yet to do anything about getting back into recovery. Every now and then I get an email saying "will you give me a chance if I start going to meetings? What if I go until I learn to like it?" I'm thinking that if he really meant any of it that he would email me and say - "guess what, I've gotten into recovery and now I have a year under my belt". Nothing has changed and I'm glad that I don't have a front row seat any longer.

It was very painful to step away but...if I had not done that I'd still be sitting in the exact same misery that I was sitting in over a year ago....and years before that last one.

I hope that you will start learning about you, your own needs for a recovery program, and learning about co-dependency. I promise you - it's worth every minute you spend on it.

lady2424

Thank you all for replying .. it helps to read everyones advice and hear everyones stories and to know im not alone. And when doubt creeps back into my mind reading what all of you wrote makes me realize that i dont need to feel guilty for wanting a better life for myself. When i saw that i wrote on here when i was 25 and now 28 i was in shock .. ive spent all these years doing things for him and hes yet to care about my needs and how i feel .. im sick of being told what i feel is crazy or that i worry to much or that i need to get over things .. im tired of getting over things. i want to be with someone that cares how i feel and isnt always putting what i think and feel down. It isnt going to be easy to leave espcailly becuase he did go to a counseling session .. but after the session we talked and his attitude about my feelings are still the same that i am overreacting .. i think he is going because maybe part of him wants to change or he doesnt want to loose me but i think he really doesnt see that he has a problem and deep down belives he has nothing to fix .. so then this too will not last. Thanks so much everyone. I am going to buy the book "If it hurts it isnt love" right now.

lady2424

Well I ended my relationship and I am doing pretty well. When I wrote my last post it was right before my ex was going away for the weekend to his friends confirmation (he did it later in life). He had made all these promises that he would go for the church part and then come home cuz he didnt want to end up going out. Well that lasted all of the 2 hrs he was in the church cuz right after he left he went and got drinks. He then spent the rest of the weekend getting drunk. Then he wanted me to come over on sunday (he was drunk of course) and i said no that i had told him i wasnt staying around if he was drinking. He said he was never going to change and i should love him for who he is. He said that he is pretty good most of the time. I said that isnt enough I needed to put me first and that was the end. It is a big relief because I know he has no desire right now to change and its a relief because I dont have to sit around and watch it and feel guilty for something i cant change. And relief from the constant worry and stress and mistrust. I just wanted to thank everyone for making me realize that i had been in the same pattern for 3 yrs and needed to focus on what i needed not on hoping he would change. Thank you so much.

suki44883

Thanks for the update, lady. So glad to hear that you have taken steps toward taking care of yourself. The longer you are away from all that chaos, the more clearly you will see how enmeshed you were, so it was hard to think rationally in the middle of it.

I hope you are having no contact with him. It will be so much easier for you to move on if you don't talk to him or know what is going on with him. So many separate but continue to talk to their addict and it just prolongs the agony. A quick ripping off of the bandaid is almost always best.

So happy for you and I wish you every happiness.