Dear Diary

This is really scary posting my thoughts and feelings about my situation on the web but I know what I need, all of you.

My husband is an alcoholic and has also been diagnosed with hep B, 4 months ago. He had put off going to the doctor for years but this time I gave him no choice, he was so sick and so I called off work, called the doctors and told him he had no choice, we had an 11:30 appointment.

Well they ran tests and did not give him the diagnosis until about 10 days later and sent him to a specialist. He is suppose to have a liver biopsy but he scheduled it for the end of January. I wish it was sooner but I am not pushing it.

Problem, he is still drinking. I think only 1 or 2 days have gone by that he has not had a drink. I keep trying not to care but it is just not in me even though I keep telling him and myself that I don’t care, I do.

I had an appointment with a lawyer to start a divorce, I have tried many times over the last 10 years of our relationship, (21 years together) to work this out and to find a different way to deal with everything. Well anyway I did not file for divorce because we found out he was sick. I won’t leave that way. I am here for him. He did not know about the lawyer.

I have tried to get it through his thick head that he is killing himself and our marriage but it only sinks in for a day or hour or minute. I found myself driving past the bars he frequents looking for his car and that was making me physically ill so I made a resolution to not do that anymore. I actually yell at myself in the car that I don’t want to know I need to get on with my life and I have better ways to spend my precious time on earth than looking for him.

I stopped calling the bars about 3 weeks ago also for the same reasons, the only one who is crying and not sleeping and not doing things they enjoy is me!!!

So I know I am on the right track.

For new years we went to a friends house and I had made up my mind that I had to leave no matter what, things are getting bad. But then I decided that a new year a new chance. We had fun and enjoyed each other. Then on the 1st we spent the whole day together so I was even happier. I told him first thing in the morning that I wanted us to talk about us because this was the year we either make or break this marriage. He said Saturday we will talk because he did not just want to jump into this conversation without time to think. I said ok Saturday morning but then I told him, “you know what the major issue is for me. I also know that you don’t think it should be an issue but it is. So that will be the major discussion.” He said ok.

I guess I will see what Saturday (1/3/04) brings.

I am nervous about talking to him and wonder if anyone has any ideas or suggestions?

I know I can support myself and the youngest (14 -year-old girl) with or without him. I have a car. Separate bank account and supportive family who really likes him but hates his drinking and what it is doing to us.

I know this is really long but I as you all know there are so many questions and so much confusion when you love/live with an alcoholic.

I just keep my fingers crossed because I know his treatments for the Hep B can have serious side effects and I just am not sure how much I can deal with.

I am also going to start al-anon meeting on Wednesday 7th, someone at work said she went and they are the best thing you can do for yourself.

Well I suppose this is long enough for now.

Linda

harrisfox

Hi Linda...
I'm new here too and am not an expert in this, but it seems to me, at least from reading your story, that you have already made up your mind, but keep second guessing yourself and trying to justify why you should stay. From my experience, there will always be "something" that makes you say "this time it'll be better" or "that if it weren't for ? then I'd leave". So I guess, I would ask you to really figure out what it is you want and go for it. You can't change anyone or make them do something they don't or are not ready to deal with or do. Doing what you need to do for yourself is #1. Going to the meetings and posting here I think is a great start and once you're stronger, then everything will fall into place. Good luck and keep posting.

Magichappens

Going to meetings and reading the literature has helped me a lot. The Al-anon literature tells us that we have options. We can make of life what we decide. We come in confused and we find love, understanding, and the gift of serenity in the midst of the alchoholic storm. Be brave, go to that meeting!! Peace and happy new year! Magic

Morning Glory

Hi Linda,

Welcome to the forum. Feel free to read the information in the power posts at the top of the boards and just make yourself at home.

My concern for you right now is the Hep B. Have you been tested and have you been vaccinated?

I hope you enjoy your al-anon meeting.

Hugs,
MG

Dear Diary

Thank you all for the welcome. Yes I have been tested and I was vaccinated a couple years ago because I work in the health care field.

Harris fox, yes I certainly do second guess myself. I have my plans, he will have to leave and if he won't I can and will. I am making myself a priority this year.

This has been a long time coming, I have been "leaving" for really the past 10 years.

I learned how to live my life within the marriage. Bit by bit and year by year I have gotten stronger. I always said I was leaving and it was not a matter of if I leave, it was a matter of when.

I obtained my drivers liscense and went to college and have a excellent job. I have lost some weight and look much better. Now I have to finish what I started and stick to my guns. If he drinks he leaves. I am not afraid to get a restraining order or stand up for myself. I think that suprises him that I speak my mind now. This is the year of me. I deserve better and I always knew he loved me but he loved alcohol more. I can live without him and I know it. I have told him when he was drunk but most importantly, I told him when he was sober.

I have been reading all the messages and I really want to thank you for being here. I know I will need more strength than I have alone but I also know where to find that strength.

Thank you all.
Linda

Gabe

And welcome! It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. You know what you want from your marriage. If he can't give it to you, you know that you can make it on your own. If you two do decide to split up, that doesn't mean that you can't help him through the Hepatitis treatment. Many married people part as friends and are still there for each other through things like this.
You are not the only one who has done things like driving by bars or calling bars. Spicoli went AWOL once when he was drunk and I called six motels before I found the one that he had picked to crash and binge at. I guess there is something comforting in knowing that they are dead drunk, but alive.
Stick around Linda, you have found a good place.
Peace,
Gabe

SherylA

Hi Linda,
Imnew here too It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want, now you just have to carry through with it(easier said then done right) I just went to my first al-anon meeting last night and walked out of there feeling so much better. Stick with the programs and i honestly believe they will work. I have met some really nice people there and on here . So keep your chin up and keep smiling!!

SUNFLOWERGIRL29

hi and a big WELCOME!! I am new here too- about 1 week in here now. The people on here have become my shoulder to cry on, and the great thing about this forum is that it is round-the-clock recovery and support. Another great thing that I have found is that I can be so honest and comfortable here. I laugh to myself about how many times I have phoned the stupid bar or drove past to see the car. At the time it seemed like I always had an excuse, like I needed him home to do whatever (furnace quit, supposed to be watching the kids so I can go somewhere or do my homework). Anyways, great work on taking the first steps to finding your inner peace!!!
-Sunflowergirl29