Detaching from blame
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Detaching from blame
I just read an amazing sticky about how to not buy into blame from an A and it has clarified some things for me.
Learning how to detach from AH blame has, literally, been the single most miraculous event of my life. I grew up with an A father and a crazy abusive mother. It's imprinted, encoded in me to take the bait, feel like crap about myself and try to splain myself in a desperate effort to be loved.
Boy does that **** me off today.
I recently, like over the past few weeks, went through a trigger with AH, was completely out of my mind with grief and abandonment--cause that's what all of this is for me you see, abandonment fears. If he's angry with me and blames me for X, Y and Z, and I take the bait and argue with him, but he won't believe me. He keeps insisting I"m to blame for his unhappiness, even when I provide proof that he was miserable without me every time we've separated.
This is the point at which I become hysterical. The secret message that is speaking to my encoded imprinting from my ****** up childhood is that I am unlovable and likely will be abandoned. That sums up my entire childhood, parents blaming me and then withholding love. . Great job Assholes! Do you think that's what they thought when I was born? Look what we made! Lets totally **** her up!
When I was a child, their dysfunction and hatred destroyed me. Now, I have to remember that I'm the adult and I have to take care of myself. AH sure can't be trusted to do so. no one can, really, it's all on me.
So unlearning my automated response to abandonment is monumental to say the least. It's constant work but is the single most powerful tool I have in my toolbox right now.
It took a few days of work and lots of support and love from the good people here and IRL, but I pulled myself out of this last nightmare. AH was texting some bimbo he works with, flirting, and then went crazy on me when I confronted him. he went off on me about how he needs someone to love him, take care of him etc. and I have failed miserably so what was he suppose to do?
You know, listening to Quack is Crack for Codies, (I'll look up and credit that phrase to it's author, it's genius but not mine) so I rolled around in misery and delicious despair for days until I was able to snap out of it. It was bizarre, looking back. Horrible, horrible trigger.
Since I've pulled myself out of that horrible place, of course, he's all over me, wanting to reconcile. Tells me how much he loves and respects me one day, but of course I'm to blame for all that's wrong in his world the next.
It makes me sick. It's just a dance of control, has nothing to do with love or marriage or processing or coming to a realization or caring about anyone or anything else other than himself. I cannot WAIT to get out of this house and away from him.
Now I'm not so confused about how it is I can go from desperately wanting him to love me, to being disgusted by him. It's that plug in to my childhood that creates my desperation, and when I shake it off I'm furious with him and me both. It's uber icky.
So, he sent me an delusional email in the middle of the a few nights ago, drunk, making demands that I either bring in more money or quit my job and become a stay at home mom.
I responded very calmly, kindly and told him I was glad he was honest with me about his feelings, because I cannot and am not willing to meet his demands. That I am moving out, or he is, in August, we can determine which, but that I will not be held hostage by him anymore.
My favorite thing I told him is that I am not interested in defending myself and trying to conform to his twisted resentments of me. That in order to meet him in the middle I would have to view myself the same way he does and I've done that long enough. He can blame me while we get divorced! That's what divorce is for, when two people have had a breakdown in communication to the extent that it's not able to be repaired--and that's where we are.
He seems shocked and doesnt' believe me, but he will. I feel stronger each day. I'm checking off my list of getting more work, filing for divorce, finding new housing, etc. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore, just relieved.
So now we have a good boundary, he tiptoes around me, which will last until his next melt down where he hyper focuses on either me or the kids and how we're making him miserable. But I have a secret weapon there too, I just remind him that I'm not the cause of his unhappiness and won't be accepting that responsibility. I hand it back to him and hope my kids see that as well.
I'm working on accepting that we will never have a normal divorce, normal parenting relationship because he is so amazingly ****** up. There is no balance, no give and take, no fair approach to things--only power struggles and blaming and guilty and madness.
But I don't have to buy into that at all, just keep detached. It feels GREAT! Thank you SR!
Learning how to detach from AH blame has, literally, been the single most miraculous event of my life. I grew up with an A father and a crazy abusive mother. It's imprinted, encoded in me to take the bait, feel like crap about myself and try to splain myself in a desperate effort to be loved.
Boy does that **** me off today.
I recently, like over the past few weeks, went through a trigger with AH, was completely out of my mind with grief and abandonment--cause that's what all of this is for me you see, abandonment fears. If he's angry with me and blames me for X, Y and Z, and I take the bait and argue with him, but he won't believe me. He keeps insisting I"m to blame for his unhappiness, even when I provide proof that he was miserable without me every time we've separated.
This is the point at which I become hysterical. The secret message that is speaking to my encoded imprinting from my ****** up childhood is that I am unlovable and likely will be abandoned. That sums up my entire childhood, parents blaming me and then withholding love. . Great job Assholes! Do you think that's what they thought when I was born? Look what we made! Lets totally **** her up!
When I was a child, their dysfunction and hatred destroyed me. Now, I have to remember that I'm the adult and I have to take care of myself. AH sure can't be trusted to do so. no one can, really, it's all on me.
So unlearning my automated response to abandonment is monumental to say the least. It's constant work but is the single most powerful tool I have in my toolbox right now.
It took a few days of work and lots of support and love from the good people here and IRL, but I pulled myself out of this last nightmare. AH was texting some bimbo he works with, flirting, and then went crazy on me when I confronted him. he went off on me about how he needs someone to love him, take care of him etc. and I have failed miserably so what was he suppose to do?
You know, listening to Quack is Crack for Codies, (I'll look up and credit that phrase to it's author, it's genius but not mine) so I rolled around in misery and delicious despair for days until I was able to snap out of it. It was bizarre, looking back. Horrible, horrible trigger.
Since I've pulled myself out of that horrible place, of course, he's all over me, wanting to reconcile. Tells me how much he loves and respects me one day, but of course I'm to blame for all that's wrong in his world the next.
It makes me sick. It's just a dance of control, has nothing to do with love or marriage or processing or coming to a realization or caring about anyone or anything else other than himself. I cannot WAIT to get out of this house and away from him.
Now I'm not so confused about how it is I can go from desperately wanting him to love me, to being disgusted by him. It's that plug in to my childhood that creates my desperation, and when I shake it off I'm furious with him and me both. It's uber icky.
So, he sent me an delusional email in the middle of the a few nights ago, drunk, making demands that I either bring in more money or quit my job and become a stay at home mom.
I responded very calmly, kindly and told him I was glad he was honest with me about his feelings, because I cannot and am not willing to meet his demands. That I am moving out, or he is, in August, we can determine which, but that I will not be held hostage by him anymore.
My favorite thing I told him is that I am not interested in defending myself and trying to conform to his twisted resentments of me. That in order to meet him in the middle I would have to view myself the same way he does and I've done that long enough. He can blame me while we get divorced! That's what divorce is for, when two people have had a breakdown in communication to the extent that it's not able to be repaired--and that's where we are.
He seems shocked and doesnt' believe me, but he will. I feel stronger each day. I'm checking off my list of getting more work, filing for divorce, finding new housing, etc. I don't feel overwhelmed anymore, just relieved.
So now we have a good boundary, he tiptoes around me, which will last until his next melt down where he hyper focuses on either me or the kids and how we're making him miserable. But I have a secret weapon there too, I just remind him that I'm not the cause of his unhappiness and won't be accepting that responsibility. I hand it back to him and hope my kids see that as well.
I'm working on accepting that we will never have a normal divorce, normal parenting relationship because he is so amazingly ****** up. There is no balance, no give and take, no fair approach to things--only power struggles and blaming and guilty and madness.
But I don't have to buy into that at all, just keep detached. It feels GREAT! Thank you SR!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
wow, sounds like you've been through the wringer and are coming out the other side a better & stronger person - you're living up to you're user name and truly transforming yourself! Kudos to you and your strength, keep it up! 
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
omg I just read my barfed out post and sorry about all the family of origin hostility. LOL
Hope everyone makes today the best one ever! love, transform
That sums up my entire childhood, parents blaming me and then withholding love. . Great job Assholes! Do you think that's what they thought when I was born? Look what we made! Lets totally **** her up!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well said - even the family of origin part!
Never, ever argue with a self-centered, egotistical, denial-fueled, quacking alcoholic. Better to go to your local nursing home and argue with the folks there in advanced stages of dementia and Alzheimer's. You'll probably get farther with those folks than with your AH.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
omg I just read my barfed out post and sorry about all the family of origin hostility. LOL
Yes, transform, just give it back! You have things to do, big things, and he is an obstacle, go around, jump over, get a sledge hammer and break it in a million pieces.
But get it out of your way!
:ghug3
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
You know, your post reminded me of a lesson my super hip and groovy kindergarten teacher taught me. He always told us "you're in charge of your own powers.". I remember the first time I spouted that back at my AH 25 years later. I didn't recognize at the time that he was an A, but I knew enough that I wasn't responsible for his actions. That understanding slowly dissolved over the years.
So, Way to go, Transform! I love that you told him that you wouldn't accept his responsibilities!
Peace,
Fathom
So, Way to go, Transform! I love that you told him that you wouldn't accept his responsibilities!
Peace,
Fathom
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