Anon12

So it's over, its been less than 24 hours since he left and I think I'm still in shock. I'm either crying or I feel sick, like I can't see how we got here and so sad we did.

I was so worried about him not moving out in time and having to come up with a plan b, when he left calmly i wasn't prepared. I've not felt pain like it. Not just pain at us being over but pain that he may not sort himself out and there is nothing anyone can do to make him.

I found an empty vodka bottle during his move, in the cupboard under the stairs which he didn't remember putting there. That clicked into place so many insane thoughts over the last few months when he was 'fuzzy' but I couldn't say for definite if he had drunk.

And that fuzziness came back sat night - we had an amicable meal, sorted stuff out, both sad. He did his usual trip to the shop for 'something sweet' and came back just slightly off. I knew then all the times he said he was tired, he had drank. All the times I thought I was going mad, I wasn't.

I wasnt angry, it just made me so sad. Even the last night before he moves out and leaves 'the love of his life' and he can't stop. I have been trying not yo give any hope about us or make any promises around if he stays sober for a year which was what I had said when I ended it a few weeks back. Initially he made efforts to show he wasn't drinking and but this week he has just slid back.

Yesterday thank god he was fine. He didn't say anything when I told him I knew he had drunk the night before and I wasnt angry but I requested he didn't drink til he had left. He didn't try and deny, what's the point? I'm now imagining him just drinking when he wants because he can and never needing to stop. And that scares me for him.

Anyway he left with dignity. We both cried, even kissed and hugged goodbye. Probably not the way I should have been, should have been colder but I couldn't do it. Felt like my heart was being ripped out and things have been do strained the last few weeks, I didn't have the strength at the end. Have I made it worse? I don know what this post is asking - I guess for reassurance it gets better, should I have been colder, more detached when we parted, what will happen to him now and how can I stop worrying about him? That was the main reason I ended it but I'm still worrying.

Sorry for rambling post. I know I have done the right thing, just finding it hard dealing with the reality of my decision.

Thanks for reading.

DefofLov

Hi Anon

I don't think it matters how you departed. I think it's nice that it was amicable. I'd like to applaud you for sticking to your guns and posting here. I think it's great that you have been coming here for support.

It will get better and you will heal. Break ups are hard and I know you gave so much of yourself in this relationship. And you still care. Don't beat yourself up for caring. That's just not fair.

Now is the hard part. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Try and stick up your boundaries and keep focusing on you. Keep posting, reaching out, and don't be afraid to grieve. There is nothing wrong with feeling a loss. It is all part of recovery.

Love,

Lily

Live

I went no contact for 2 years and absence beginning at 30 days and growing even stronger in clarity, I was so glad to be out of the insanity. sure I was nosey curious..but handled that by reading books about what had happened..alcoholism and abuse. It really really helped.
I was a friend again after those 2 years but after one appearance on a phone call of "that threatening voice".....I am permanently done, I care nothing for him anymore and am more clear than ever about who and what he really is.
a sadistic drunk. He is dead to me now.

Katiekate

YOu did good honey, really good!

xo

chicory

Sorry for your pain, Anon12. I know it really hurts to say goodbye to someone you care about.
To me, it sounds like you have done the best thing for you and for him.You can begin your day moving forward instead of staying in that limbo state. He can begin to face reality, in that his drinking is affecting his life, hopefully. At least he won't be playing the denial game with you anymore. I hope he gets recovery.
I wish you a happy life. Take care of you. It will get better, it really will.

hugs
chicory

Hopeworks

While it doesn't "feel" good in any way I am convinced that in most situations it is the most positive step we can take for ourselves and amazingly for the A as well. Seperation and even a "redemptive divorce" (a divorce that is designed to clearly communicate what actions are required by the offending spouse to effect a possible attempt to reconcile and exactly what that would look like for both parties).

Worry is often the catalyst that keeps us "helicoptering" over the A and trying to keep their lives from completely crumbling and destroying all we hold dear in our own lives. Sadly our heroics are only fingers in the dam and make us so very sick and unhappy while keeping the offending spouse in our safety net and make it easier for them to stay in denial and resent us at the same time.

Oh that we could turn it off like a spigot... but it is not that easy... it is a process. My ESH was my eventual ability to fully trust my HP and release my A completely to God's care and when those thoughts and worry would overwhelm me I consciously gave them back to God. Sometimes I had to do it 100 times over and over...but eventually it worked. It began to take less and less "giving him back" and I began to believe the trust part of it... my faith increased.

Logically our worry doesn't help... doesn't help them and sure doesn't help us. It is crippling.

We care. It does get better. Keep the faith.

PS. I probably should mention that my A was in Las Vegas drinking and gambling for over 3 months... most of it in blackout... but he had a divine enounter... a Godshot if you will... on a bus in Vegas. I will tell this story in more detail at some point. That "encounter" led to his eventual getting on a bus to Los Angeles and then to Arizona. He is now sober and in a 6 month residential treatment.

I am still NC and have zero interest in reconciliation. I care about him but I don't EVER want to step onto the alcoholic train...even if it is in a recovered state and I were wildly in love with the man!

For the first time I value my peace and serenity more than my dopamine and hormones and other chemicals that light my fire for the addicted personalities I have loved. Sounds cold but it is true and the truth sets us free

Seren

Anon12

There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

sugarbear1

Hugs

m1k3

Anon,

HG was right, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be easy on yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal. I left a little over a year ago and things do get much better. Keep coming back as there is tons of support here and we are here for you.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

Free108

Anon12, I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad and sending you hugs. I'm in a similar place, so I understand the pain. Much love, and hang in there.

grayduchess

Like the others I can only send hugs and love. You handled yourself very, very well. I know it's hard. Personally, I don't believe "cold" would have served any useful purpose especially if it would have been used as a false bravado.

Tuffgirl

So, so sad. Another relationship tanked because of alcoholism. I hate this disease.

Prayers and hugs to you today! You handled it well, with grace and dignity, and that is inspiring to all of us here.
~T

wicked

:ghug3

I want to reassure you that it will get better. You will get better and maybe one day, you will appreciate what you learned from this relationship. First step, in my experience is to let go of the past, and yes I am talking about how you acted when he was leaving. Do not look for ways to feel bad, it is too easy to find them when you already feel raw and vulnerable.
Give yourself credit for being brave enough to stick to your guns. Let yourself grieve.

You will stop worrying when you remember that it does no good to worry. Has any of your worrying changed anything? I am a worrier too, Anon. But, I have learned to let go when I realize I am worrying. Refocus on you, because you are the one who is important right now. Just you.

Beth

Anon12

Thank you so much for everyone's posts - it really helps.

WorkInProgress8

i completely understand and can relate to the pain youre feeling. When my xabf was moving out (Mar 2012) i helped him gather his things but was sobbing like a newborn baby while doing so and it was my decision for him to get out! It was devasting, the loss of a fantasy i had in my head, the loss of a delusional dream, the loss of the family i envisioned us being with our son. But enough was enough! It was my turn to be selfish and do what was right for ME and my child. &Like HOPEWORKS i still have NC (unless he makes his monthly phone call to my work so he can ACT like a caring "father")

"I've not felt pain like it. Not just pain at us being over but pain that he may not sort himself out and there is nothing anyone can do to make him."

I have the same pain and worries as you do Anon. Sometimes crying at night at the thought of him passing away bc of something alcohol related. But i agree with the advice given not only this thread but on this forum. The pain WILL pass. YOU/I/WE will get better and thats all that matters. Worrying will not change anything <--- No truer words have been spoken,typed,texted,etc! If i had a dollar for everytime i was worrying about my xabf id be living in a house next to Oprah! We should be enjoying our lives and we will. You have nothing to feel bad about just like i didnt and dont. You made the decision to put YOURSELF first. You made the decision to get YOURSELF out of a toxic relationship. Do not shame or blame yourself for thinking about YOURSELF.