Is lifetime abstinence the only way back to normal life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Melbourne, NSW
Posts: 24
Is lifetime abstinence the only way back to normal life?
Hello everyone I am new to this community. I been struggling with my drinking problem for about 2 yrs not sure when did I lost my control over alcohol but it was too late by the time I realized it. I am 25 now still got a long way to go, I dream about a happy family life, a good job, enjoy the freedom of money and be a respectful person in the society. But at the moment I am sitting in my room alone regretting about what I have done so far. I am unemployed now, worried about my food until I get an another job. I haven't got a single dollar in my wallet, tried to borrow money from everyone I know including my family relatives, my best drink mates but none of them helped me out because everybody knows about my drinking habits. By the way I am in a different country at the moment by myself came here to study. I use to shout beers for everyone but they don't even pick up my phone calls now.
I am a binge drinker, I never able to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks and every time I ended up with big troubles due to memory black outs. Last time I ended up in a hospital for same reason and been referred to a free detox service. I went for that followed by one month of complete abstinence. My intention wasn't a life time ban for alcohol in my life I really wanted to comeback to social drinking cause I like that feeling of tipsy which makes me a confident, talkative, funny and cheerful person than a shy person which is who I am when sober.
But all my efforts to be a moderate drinker gone in vain and I relapsed so quickly and wasted all the money I have saved during the abstinence period in a couple of weeks. But I still hope that I can do it may be from tomorrow and I am not sure how realistic that dream is. Am I wasting my time by not taking that massive decision of quit forever? Or with the right motivation and responsibilities will I be able to stay sober while enjoying some occational parties?
I am a binge drinker, I never able to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks and every time I ended up with big troubles due to memory black outs. Last time I ended up in a hospital for same reason and been referred to a free detox service. I went for that followed by one month of complete abstinence. My intention wasn't a life time ban for alcohol in my life I really wanted to comeback to social drinking cause I like that feeling of tipsy which makes me a confident, talkative, funny and cheerful person than a shy person which is who I am when sober.
But all my efforts to be a moderate drinker gone in vain and I relapsed so quickly and wasted all the money I have saved during the abstinence period in a couple of weeks. But I still hope that I can do it may be from tomorrow and I am not sure how realistic that dream is. Am I wasting my time by not taking that massive decision of quit forever? Or with the right motivation and responsibilities will I be able to stay sober while enjoying some occational parties?
Clean again after 3 long years
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois; Between meetings
Posts: 26
Your situation sounds like mine, and I already relapsed once thinking I could go back into the world like a normal drinker. Nope, I ended up at rock bottom all over again; waking up in ambulances and hospitals, wasting all my money, losing friends and the trust of my family.... If you're an alcoholic I do not believe there is EVER going back out there. Sure, you may be a social drinker at first, but you will always end up back where you ended before sobering up. You'll never see this drunk at the bar again...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Hi Tom and welcome!
I think you'll find a lot of people here who spent years trying the moderate drinking game, hoping they could "control" it or be like "normal" drinkers.
I hope you'll save yourself the effort and realize that for some people, that's just not an option
I finally came to the realization that as difficult as it is, it's far easier to not drink at all then to try and control how much I drank. As you say, after a certain point, all rules and good intentions went right out the window.
One thing that helped me in accepting that was realizing I was lying to myself when I said I wanted to enjoy having "just a few" or that I enjoyed "a slight buzz."
What a lie. I liked getting hammered, completely out of it, drunk as a skunk, etc.
But as you know that causes all sorts of problems, and those problems mount up over time.
Some people have a hard time saying they'll "quit forever," so they take it "one day at a time." That's fine -- the result can be the same.
You've done 30 days, so you've shown you can "not drink." But sobriety's not just about not drinking. It's about setting your mind to the things you want to achieve -- having a job, a family, money -- and then deciding that's going to be the direction in your life, and not letting drinking come between you and your goals.
25's a great time to start. Keep reading and posting here on SR -- you'll find lots of support and good advice.
I think you'll find a lot of people here who spent years trying the moderate drinking game, hoping they could "control" it or be like "normal" drinkers.
I hope you'll save yourself the effort and realize that for some people, that's just not an option
I finally came to the realization that as difficult as it is, it's far easier to not drink at all then to try and control how much I drank. As you say, after a certain point, all rules and good intentions went right out the window.
One thing that helped me in accepting that was realizing I was lying to myself when I said I wanted to enjoy having "just a few" or that I enjoyed "a slight buzz."
What a lie. I liked getting hammered, completely out of it, drunk as a skunk, etc.
But as you know that causes all sorts of problems, and those problems mount up over time.
Some people have a hard time saying they'll "quit forever," so they take it "one day at a time." That's fine -- the result can be the same.
You've done 30 days, so you've shown you can "not drink." But sobriety's not just about not drinking. It's about setting your mind to the things you want to achieve -- having a job, a family, money -- and then deciding that's going to be the direction in your life, and not letting drinking come between you and your goals.
25's a great time to start. Keep reading and posting here on SR -- you'll find lots of support and good advice.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi Tom
Lifetime abstinence is the only way for me , yeah - I spent fully 20 years exploring other options....and failing dismally.
Alcohol really caused a lot of problems for me - it seems like you're the same.
I know it seems a scary prospect - it may even seem a little unfair...but I've never regretted my decision.
Walking away from alcohol really set me free and gave me my life back.
I really hope you'll give it a try
D
Lifetime abstinence is the only way for me , yeah - I spent fully 20 years exploring other options....and failing dismally.
Alcohol really caused a lot of problems for me - it seems like you're the same.
I know it seems a scary prospect - it may even seem a little unfair...but I've never regretted my decision.
Walking away from alcohol really set me free and gave me my life back.
I really hope you'll give it a try
D
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Tom you can read the "doctors opinion" here (as well as the rest of the basic text of alcoholics anonymous). ------> Big Book On Line
You’re one of us. You cannot have one drink without the onset of craving. Though you may think this is the end of "fun", it's actually quite the opposite. It's a road to freedom actually.
You’re one of us. You cannot have one drink without the onset of craving. Though you may think this is the end of "fun", it's actually quite the opposite. It's a road to freedom actually.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
from one tom to another...welcome! for this alcoholic, its not for my lifetime, just today.
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of
our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums —we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself, Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it
more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.
Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so.
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of
our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums —we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself, Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it
more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.
Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. We have heard of a few instances where people, who showed definite signs of alcoholism, were able to stop for a long period because of an overpowering desire to do so.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
For the time being it might help to just focus on the short term, then re-evaluate
I have found sobriety is the way forward for me. It's the way I want to live my life. It is something I am grateful for. I would see any drinking as a definite step back.
You need a clear mind to make a way forward in life
I have found sobriety is the way forward for me. It's the way I want to live my life. It is something I am grateful for. I would see any drinking as a definite step back.
You need a clear mind to make a way forward in life
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Don't worry...The place is full of alkies and addicts.....We understand what lies are. When you really think about it Tom...There you are alone...Family won't talk to you...Friends are gone....Flat broke and nobody will lend you money...Wondering what a normal life would be like and how you screwed up the one you have so bad.....I was there Tom....And the only thought on our mind is....How can I continue to keep alcohol in my life?....That's petty nuts....You can't. AA and this site has kept me without a drink for 11 months...After drinking all my life and losing everything I had....Find something that works for you....Put everything you have into it...And change your life...That life you want?....It's out there.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
It is possible to live without that demon. And your lucky to be looking at this so young.
For many of us it took decades after decades to lose everything but our lives(we are the blessed ones).
Good love. Inda
For many of us it took decades after decades to lose everything but our lives(we are the blessed ones).
Good love. Inda
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Sapling 
When you really think about it Tom...There you are alone...Family won't talk to you...Friends are gone....Flat broke and nobody will lend you money...Wondering what a normal life would be like and how you screwed up the one you have so bad.....I was there Tom....And the only thought on our mind is....How can I continue to keep alcohol in my life?....That's petty nuts....You can't.
Life is so much easier and better when you accept that you can not drink alcohol safely.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I will refrain from telling you what you really and truly already know. I will say this however, abstinence is a so much easier and better way. Even if you were somehow able to force yourself to moderate, it would be a battle all of the time. Why waste the energy even trying?
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
the bottom line for me is... if I was a normal drinker I wouldn't care if I had to quit. The fact that I cared so so much about whether I had to quit forever or if I could moderate or if I could make rules and exceptions and BLAH BLAH BLAH is EXACTLY why abstinence if the only solution for me.
A normal person can take or leave alcohol.
A normal person can take or leave alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 164
"I am a binge drinker, I never able to stop drinking after a certain number of drinks and every time I ended up with big troubles due to memory black outs."
Hi Tom,
Read this above quote and now think to yourself if you ever would want to risk experimenting with moderation. Do you think it will really work or is your addictive voice scared as hell about quitting and trying to get you to compromise with moderate drinking? Don't be fooled.
Hi Tom,
Read this above quote and now think to yourself if you ever would want to risk experimenting with moderation. Do you think it will really work or is your addictive voice scared as hell about quitting and trying to get you to compromise with moderate drinking? Don't be fooled.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Tom,
I've found there's a lot of really smart, educated alcoholics. believe me, if there was a way to still drink alcohol and not have the consequences or drink in moderation, we would have figured it out by now! LOL For me, the only way was to abstain completely. Once I could wrap my head around that, my life got a lot more comfortable.
glad youve joined us! Theres some great folks on SR!
Love from Lenina
I've found there's a lot of really smart, educated alcoholics. believe me, if there was a way to still drink alcohol and not have the consequences or drink in moderation, we would have figured it out by now! LOL For me, the only way was to abstain completely. Once I could wrap my head around that, my life got a lot more comfortable.
glad youve joined us! Theres some great folks on SR!
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
No worries, Tom. Like I said, it's a lie I told myself. The book Rational Recovery really helped me come to terms with the fact that I loved getting drunk -- which normal people don't. Once I accepted that although I love getting drunk, the consequences (not the experience) just aren't worth it... well, it became a lot easier to make a decision not to do it. We make such decisions all the time. Sleeping with lots of people for example is fun for many people -- but we don't do it when we're in a monogamous relationship. There are dozens of examples of how me make those choices in our daily lives, from why we don't just tell people off who make us angry to why we don't just steal the things we desire. We recognize that while there may be instant gratification from performing such acts, they have consequences that are better left avoided. So we don't do them -- period. We don't try to "moderate" our infidelity or "moderate" the number of things we steal. We just don't do it, even though it might be momentarily fun.
Telling myself drinking itself was bad always rang false. Drinking's not bad; it's just that the consequences (because I can't control it) are no longer worth it. And there's no option of moderation. As they say, if I could drink like a normal person I'd do it everyday
Telling myself drinking itself was bad always rang false. Drinking's not bad; it's just that the consequences (because I can't control it) are no longer worth it. And there's no option of moderation. As they say, if I could drink like a normal person I'd do it everyday
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