AlreadyAlone

Having a bad day. When ABF came home from work this am, I was in no mood to pretend to be happy. Actually, I was in the mood to poke at him a bit. Bad, I know.

I don't know if he's been drinking lately, he never does at home, so I'm always wondering if I smell it, or if he's being mean because he's been forced into 2 weeks of sobriety. We have not had an easy ride lately. But this weekend I feel paranoid- he was on the computer lots, always minimizes the window when I walk past the den- he was looking at getting his credit report- I panicked- is he planning something? I realize I think he's hiding something, and when I fish a bit, nothing comes out. I guess I don't trust the man who lied to me for 4 years, and not understanding my codiness, says some things are none of my business.

Also, went to church last week, and we are Catholic, so we don't take communion if sitting with a sin we haven't confessed; he didn't take communion last week, and never said a word about it. I don't normally go with him, and I can't help but wonder how long he's not been partaking... Though i believe he had lied to me about his drinking that morning.

Why is everything so hard? I almost wished he wasnt hiding things from me, as I seem to live in an uncertain world, full of self doubt, but faith that as long as he keeps going to church, God will work on him. Will I ever trust again? How do I know when I'm being lied to? He's getting fed up with my behaviour, and I'm paranoid that I'm being played. Has anyone ever spoken to a priest/reverend about a situation like this?

Shadydeal

I hear you! Trust is a big issue and living wondering all the time just tears a person up. I really don't have anything to say that will help but hear to listen! I have lived it over and over for 4 years myself. In my situation there is no hope at least not where I am concerned for us. Well, there is always hope but don't know that I could ever overcome all the lies wo still wondering. Maybe if my EXABF stopped drinking but sober people lie too. Don't know if it's a personality trait or a symptom of his drinking, but the lies I have been told are endless. Then a person wonders why you question them? Right? Hang in there.

NYCDoglvr

Unfortunately none of us can predict -- or control -- outcomes. Can you decide to just let it go? I found out I'd be a lousy fortune teller because when I project I'm always wrong. There came a point where it was impossible to stay when I was so miserable I had to save my own sanity. It's a process, it's difficult, but with support we make the changes we need to make for ourselves. Al-Anon? I recommend it highly.

CeciliaV

Sorry today's especially rough for you. One thing that I've learned is that when I suspect my RAH has been drinking, I'm right. We all know the signs and the smells. We all have that inner voice that tells us when something just isn't right. We often choose to ignore or be hopeful that we're wrong. I've also learned that confronting him about my suspicions does nothing (well, it does *something* but not anything good!) - if he wants to tell me something, he will; I'm not playing mommy or cop anymore and/or setting him up to lie to me. Each day is hard enough without adding more stress and anxiety and hurt.

If he has been staying clean, then it's possible that he's going through a rough patch with that first few weeks of sobriety. It can make him unfocused, shaky, cranky, etc.

Why is everything so hard? Million dollar question! It doesn't need to be so hard. It doesn't need to be hurtful. We all deserve better than that. Choosing to stay with an AH or RAH is a very personal decision, and for at least the time being, I'm sticking it out with mine. Trust is very easy to lose but very hard to gain, and so only time will tell. So far, he seems to understand this. If he stays sober and we work on our relationship, there may be hope yet, but I'm not holding my breath and I'm keeping my eyes open. It will be a tough road ahead.

Sending you hugs and strength as you travel your tough road! :ghug3

AlreadyAlone

thanks! Funny, you say this, i was considering starting a thread asking if anyone ever got to the stage of consulting a psychic! They'd see me coming a mile away....
Yup, I am a new member of al-anon, hoping to get my 3rd meeting in this week. I know, let go, let God. Sometimes, I think I'm coping pretty good with slowly going insane.

wicked

You asked why is everything so hard?

My experience is relationships are hard, and trust is the hardest part of a relationship.
Trying to trust in a relationship is difficult work, but it can be done.
The thing is, with alcohol in the mix, one person is a lying alcoholic, that is why it is so hard, and it would be near to impossible to fix it unless and until he is ready to face his problem and get some real recovery.
May I suggest that you try something different? Instead of waiting for him to change, why not get some help and support for yourself.
Find out why you are trying to make the impossible work?
Stop worrying about what he is doing, and take care of yourself.
Go to AlAnon meetings, try the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Ask yourself, if I had a younger sister, and she came and told me about her relationship like this, what would I tell her?

Beth

wicked

Excellent about going to meetings.
You know it's the ones who don't know they are insane, they are the ones who are insane?
:ghug3

Beth

eta
I am not sure I worded that right.
You are not insane.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so glad you've got support because this is what kept me going. And I promise it gets much, much better. I dove into movies (scary, terrifying ones that kept my attention and comedies that made me laugh hysterically) and started fast walking. God bless!

Katiekate

One thing I am trying to do is to be my authentic self, meaning that I am learning to take a step back and ask myself, how does your true self feel about this, not your codie, trying to keep the peace self feel, it has been a tremendous help, I am learning to observe more instead of react, it has helped so much with the obsessive thoughts and the fantasy that some day the love we feel for each other will make this all go away. I have even found myself repulsed or laughing at some of the situations that seemed to personal and important, they aren't. He he wants to walk head on to the deep end of a river, he will, the rope is severed.

Yesterday I decided at this point, that since I am having a hard time letting go that I will just concentrate on letting God. Again, it is so helpful and as I read here so often, all will be revealed, it's so true, and the more that is revealed and the more I can look at it for what it really is, with my authentic eyes, the more letting go I actually do. Seeing the truth and accepting it is incredibly healing. They will do what they will do, no amount of worrying or controlling will stop it. That is the reality. I feel like in some ways I am growing up.

Do not ever minimize your own feelings and intuitions , its one of the ways we allow them to lie, manipulate, and abuse, confusion is their greatest weapon, until they can't confuse us anymore.

sending lots of good thoughts your way xoxoox

FireSprite

Just my outsider point of view here - but I can't imagine that 2 weeks of sobriety after however many years of active A'ism is enough to earn back trust of any kind. You refer to it as 'forced sobriety', does that mean he he hasn't chosen to become sober & maybe resents being forced? (and then essentially, is just a relapse waiting to happen?)

Give yourself some credit, you aren't being paranoid... you're behavior is based on past experiences & you can't change your habits overnight any more than he can. (And if you think he's still drinkin & lying to you about it... what is there to trust at all?)