feelingalone43

Yesterday my AH again wanted to talk to me about the steps he is trying to take to make things right. "I want to be a happy person, I want you to be a happy person, and I want us to be happy together."

He has an appointment next week with our family doctor, and because he made that appointment, and says he will do what the doctor recommends, all should be better between us. I am not setting myself up for another heartbreak, and told him it took a long time for us to get to this point, it will take a long time to get past it.

He is still very much against having regular counseling sessions with a therapist, but says he will if he has to. I see red flags with this one. People go into counseling when they are willing to do so for their own benefit, not because they think that's what it will take to get someone else to behave the way they want. He wants intimacy, and isn't getting it because I'm not feeling very connected to him right now. I always just gave in before to keep the peace. I can't seem to do it this time. I don't believe in using intimacy as a reward or punishment. That's not what I'm doing. I don't know how to get over the hurt enough to want it. If we do become intimate again, it will feel so fake on my part.

kpfinn

Dear Feeling Alone,

I know how you feel because I was there. My husband had 4 DUIs, house arrest, moved out and when he wanted intimacy I was there for him. He came back off and on. After the house arrest - the day the ankle bracelet came off he moved out (his choice) again. Because of this I stopped being there for anything - no more family functions, weddings, get togethers, dinners, etc. but most of all no more intimacy. Two months later while driving without a license at 4 am I found out that he was having an affair - one of many I am sure. Now it is over. I ask myself why I was able to put up with the drinking, late nights, sleeping in, and DUIs for so long and it took knowing that he was intimate with another woman for me to end it. I feel like a fool, but as I read here my bed is warmer without him. I am healing. You will know when the time is right. The pain of living with an alcoholic is much worse for me than being alone. I am no longer waiting for the police to call to tell me to go to pick him up. Yes, he went to counseling because of the courts the minute that it was no longer required it stopped. If your husband is going because of you and not for himself it most likely won't work. Hang in there, and go for counseling yourself. I wish I did. I am going to Al anon now and find it helps so much.
Know that many of us have similar experiences, but you only know the personal pain of your situation.

lizatola

Wow, I can totally relate. Especially about the intimacy stuff. We've only been intimate 2x since he got the DUI in February and both times I initiated it thinking that maybe that bond would help me reach out and keep moving forward with him. Nope, it did nothing for me. He thought it was me forgiving him and he was all nicey nice afterwards but it only lasted until the next day. Didn't take long for him to lie about something or drive on his suspension and then I'd get angry again. The good thing for us is that he is on antidepressants and they mess with his 'male functioning' so we were already having issues before the DUI. For me, the DUI was the last straw. It should have been his bottom and brought him to his knees to be grateful that he's still alive and that he didn't kill anyone but he's still drinking and he's still acting like an entitled a$$. So, I have ditched the idea of counseling for us. He really does need to choose it for himself, I can't keep running his life in certain areas just because he doesn't want to take responsibility or wants to be able to blame me or someone else for it not working out.

I've told you before that my AH has said that he would do whatever I said regarding counseling. His words were, "I'll go to whomever you want. Man, woman, alien. Just make the appointment and I'll be there." Yeah, not happening but if anyone knows of an alien counselor, please give me a call.

sugarbear1

I hope your husband commits to going to AA. That program will work if he works the steps of recovery.

I wish you well,

feelingalone43

Lizatola,

I think this is what is stopping me. I don't want him thinking that it means all is forgiven. When does the guilt of "holding out on him" go away? If I do give in, that will be the only reason for doing so; guilt.

Even when I did used to give in, it was no good. Just wanted him to get it over with to ease his discomfort so I could get on with my life. I do understand that he's a sexually healthy male with needs, so I guess that's where my guilt comes in. He also was taking prozac for a while, but it didn't have the sexual side effects on him (darn it)

Seren

Just my two cents.....

We need air to breathe.
We need water to drink.
We need food to eat.
We need shelter from inclement weather.
We don't need sex to survive.
To procreate? Yes
To survive as individuals? No

I applaud you for respecting your right to not be guilted into something you don't want to do because he states he has "needs". IMHO, a man has to earn that level of intimacy with me. Once the trust has been broken, it will take a while for it to mend--if ever.

boomerlady

feelingalone,
I too can say I know what you are going through with your AH. I've been going through that for years with mine. I told him a yr ago that I wanted him to quit drinking and get counseling. He said "oh, I'll stop and I'm just really a thirsty man so that's why I drink" (quack, quack). Of course, he didn't stop but tried to fool me into thinking he did for a few months. I had already moved out of the bedroom with him and all intimacy with him is gone. He doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't plan to quit. I just can't go there with him either anymore as far as intimacy. We are more like companions now. I feel that I can't give in to him intimately, or I'm going back on what I want and need. I'm very tired of the situation, but I feel stuck and don't know if I should just file for divorce or wait it out. He doesn't appear to be making any efforts to do anything with his drinking or counseling so I have to ask myself if I'm waiting for a miracle. He's a nice AH other than that and hasn't blown up at me in a long time. However, I know he's playing nice until he gets what he wants because I've seen it too many times. Why are they so scared of counseling? I think they don't really want to examine their motives for drinking or do any sef-reflection. I'm seeking counseling myself and that does help me tremendously so I agree with lizatola that you should seek counseling. I also attend al-anon and that gives me some relief from my feelings of dispair with him.

wicked

When you realize you are worth much more than being a convenient sex partner.

Feelingalone, I used to give in just to get him to stop whining about it, or threatening to find it "somewhere else" unless I gave it up.
That is emotional blackmail. There is no room for emotional blackmail in a healthy intimate relationship.
His "manly needs" do not trump your feelings in any way, shape or form.

I took Prozac too and it ramped up my wanting it, but the only person available was my husband at the time. I did not whine, cry, moan about my "needs" not being met. I just went without. That is what grown people do. Control themselves when they see their spouse is hurting.

I was so sad about the "duty" sex that I actually cried one time. He did not ask me why I was crying, he laughed and said, "Good stuff huh?"

I felt like when I gave in, I was giving up one more piece of me. I was allowing him to take my dignity from me. When I stopped drinking and came back from rehab, we had sex, but it was still a chore. I did not like him any more. He was not my friend, and had no idea, nor did he care how I felt.

If I am having sex for any other reason than I enjoy it and feel good about myself, then I need to step back and ask myself, "Why?"

Beth

CeciliaV

^^^^ THIS!
It's been close to a year since me and my RAH have been intimate. We were growing apart for a while before that (partially due to the alcoholism that was building, without my knowledge - or acknowledgement? - for some time), and I did feel guilty for a while, but I don't anymore. Yes, I feel a little bad that he feels shut out, but I would feel worse for giving in when I'm not ready. So much trust has been broken and so much closeness has been lost. When/if the time comes, we will be intimate again. I need to see change and feel close to him again before that, though. Putting myself and my own feelings first is nothing to be guilty about.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest encouraging your husband to take positive steps while letting go of outcomes. Expectations destroy more relationships than practically anything else. Whatever he does is out of your hands. In the meantime, Al-anon is one step where you can help yourself.

Puli50

What you said about intimacy really struck a chord! It is something that is really difficult to discuss. I tried to just give in to keep the peace too; I can't do it anymore. I don't feel loving after he berates me for being "stupid" etc...My ABF is always drunk when he is home so there is simply no time for intimacy when he is somewhat sober. Sex with a drunk is AWFUL! He just doesn't get it and tells me there is something wrong with me! Also, he is a 53 year old chronic alcoholic so his "male functioning" is not at all good, or not at all when he is drunk.

akrasia

Yes we all want a happy sex life. But fact: people who act like a** don't get any.

No one's ENTITLED to have sex with you.

feelingalone43

Thanks everybody. I think I really need to change my name on here because of all of you.

One thing I must admit is that he has never talked of "getting it somewhere else", only that he had to take care of it himself. I told him I've had to do that for years, it's not that big a deal. The part I miss is being close enough emotionally to him to actually want the snuggling and cuddling that lead up to it. I have told him this, so we will see what happens if and when he takes the steps to become a happy, healthy person.

He also knows that sex with him when he's drunk is out of the question. He isn't drinking for the most part, except a low-alcohol beer now and then.