whaty

My AS has been in jail for almost a week now and I have continued to ignore all his phone calls. Today I received a letter from him. His court date is mid-July and he thinks he is facing 2 - 4 months but I am guessing more. And of course this is it - he has finally hit bottom and will never touch heroin again. I heard this the first time he was in jail and he used the day he got out, but I also know he means it right now because who wants to live like that? He wants me to put money in his phone and canteen accounts because he is freezing and hungry, and he needs to talk with me for emotional support. He also mentioned he is in a 28 day jail sponsored rehab program. That's positive. I am still holding out, but my heart hurts for him. I hope I am doing the right thing by not talking with him. And he will get no more money from me. I have a daughter graduating HS next week and starting college this fall and she is getting all my well deserved money and attention right now : )

whaty

itsanewday2011

Sounds like you are doing the right thing and you are being strong both for him, and for the great success of your daughter. Congratulations to her (and you!)

LoveMeNow

Stay strong. Doing things out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) are never healthy for YOU.

Your son, like mine, is very resourceful...he will be fine. I am wondering how you feel about writing him back??

Impurrfect

(((whaty))) - though the jails I were in had heat and a/c, I was homeless due to drugs. I didn't think about food or a roof over my head. We addicts can survive things most people don't ever deal with. It's not that I'm heartless..I'm not. I just know that if I hadn't gotten to deal with my consequences, I wouldn't be in recovery.

I will also say that my dad put money on my books at times. I bought paper and stamps, which I used as well as food that I thought I wanted but ended up giving to other girls.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kindeyes

Gentle hugs to you. I understand how this hurts your heart.
ke

theysayimcrazy

i was arrested with my cousin, he is still in jail and his parents are doing the same. we're both heroin addicts also. for us, it's extremely painful being locked up, feeling like we've lost everyone and everything. for me, i didn't even want to live anymore. i felt worthless. i just wanted my mom. but at the end of the day, she enables me. i personally think we all need tough love. you've done all you can do. i think you should be there for him just to talk and give support, but i'm not sure if you should help him out financially.

Tinks65

((Whaty))
I understand your pain. Oh how hard it is. I will never forget driving away from a homeless shelter last summer, he survived. He continues to struggle but at least he is struggling towards sobriety. I also have a child graduating H.S. next week and will be off to college as well. Life goes on and so must we. I will pray that God will give you wisdom in your contact with your son. I feel this is something we each must find within ourselves. We can read here, attend NarAnon/AlAnon, and learn from others but ultimately each situation is different.

There have been times I have given my addict a meal, bought something, once even gave him twenty bucks to pay a drug dealer to avoid a beating .... I know many would read me the riot act for each of those incidences but I finally came to a place where I was sick and tired of agonizing over each and every freaking decision, the twenty bucks ... that day it was all about me, maybe next time it will be a no ... there's no handbook. Hang in there

cangel2

(((whaty))) You are doing great. Your son is safe, he has support for detox and staying sober at the moment. Concentrate on you and deciding what comes next in your recovery and how much you want to be involved in his recovery when he is out. You have at a minimum a 28 day reprieve before you need to have contact. You know this....it sounds like you have been in this place before.

Take some time to go to some meetings, think about what you need, redefine boundries in your mind, do nothing if you need the break. This is your time to reflect and gather strength for you. Then decide what action you want to take....based on the schedule you laid out it seems you have about 3 weeks before you need to get practical. Right now you should be inwardly focused only.

My 2 cents.....

Hugs.....from a mom who appreciates down time from the chaos.....

crazybabie

I remember back when my son after numerous times in and out of jail I got to the point that I did not even open his letters he would enclose one for me,his brother, his sister and he told each of us something different it got too be more than I could handle.

whaty

Thanks so much for all of your suggestions, and I think I will write a letter. Even though a part of me wants to rehash all the pain he has caused our family I think it would be better to make it short and to the point. I want to tell him I love him and trust that he CAN beat this, but I have done all I can emotionally and financially, and am working on my own recovery now.

crazybabie

Sounds like a plan to me then you will have told him you love him and he will know where you stand... I remember doing the same many times in the beginning with my oldest AS he calls from the prison now once in a blue moon but rarely says much besides can you get me a green dot card.

I have held to my boundaries with him he is doing a drug program which was part of his court order but it is through the prison he is in I found out from the guy who was handling his money when he first went in that he was doing drugs there as well.

I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Ii will keep youand yours inmy prayers