Periodic Drinking
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hove
Posts: 4
Periodic Drinking
Hello,
My name is Elin and I have joined this forum to try to understand the behavior of my boyfriend of more than five years.
Ever since I have known him he has been someone who seems to handle his alcohol quite bad. I sometimes found that it changed his behavior to the worse. An otherwise quite and gentle man would turn loud, argumentative and sometimes mean. Not every time, but still quite often.
We met in our early twenties while we both were traveling and our lifestyle has been quite hedonistic. 2 years ago we decide to move in together and are now living in a flat, most of the time happily.
But sometimes he goes of and heavy binges of alcohol and sometimes drugs. Last week(end) he had the worse one I have ever seen. He was away for days drinking from morning to night, when I saw him on the 4th day he was absolutely out of it (as expected). It really dawned on me how destructive his behavior is, and he really did not seem to enjoy it, but drank obsessively, with his new "friends", equally passionate about alcohol. Despite having been convinced, during his binge, that we were going to break up, he eventually came back and asked to go to sleep in our bed.
This behavior sometime causes problems, apart from physical and mental damage, he feels anxious after a binge for spending a lot of money, neglecting his studies and it also causes friction between us as it worries me a hugely to not see him for this amount of time (he often sleeps rough or with friends during these sessions). He has been caught drink driving, and after that happened he tried to stop drinking and change his behavior, but soon fell back into the routine. Without this behavior we could do things together, but he is too tired and stressed after his binges and he seems to feel guilty and says that he does not deserve my care and love. But I can see that his destructive behavior isn't a choice but an addiction that he, despite trying, is unable to stop. This is a mad circle, and it is only recently that I have understood and accepted that he might be a periodic alcoholic.
Has anyone got experience from this? I have been trying to not be angry about this, but care for him. I really am not sure how to support him towards accepting his issues. I don't think he is there yet, but I feel relieved to have accepted and understood that he might be suffering from alcoholism.
Can anything be done, I have heard that the alcoholic has to hit the bottom on his own and that no one can be helped that does not want it. I have never lied to cover for him or lent him money to drink and after this has happened I have decided to stop drinking myself, not that I was a particularity heavy drinker myself, but I feel I need to look at the situation with a clear mind. In the past I have often been angry with him, never for drinking, but for the effects of his drinking, like wasting his money, sleeping away, emotionally withdrawing etc.
I hope that there is someone there with a similar story, who can give me some advice/encouragement etc.
Thank you,
Love Elin
My name is Elin and I have joined this forum to try to understand the behavior of my boyfriend of more than five years.
Ever since I have known him he has been someone who seems to handle his alcohol quite bad. I sometimes found that it changed his behavior to the worse. An otherwise quite and gentle man would turn loud, argumentative and sometimes mean. Not every time, but still quite often.
We met in our early twenties while we both were traveling and our lifestyle has been quite hedonistic. 2 years ago we decide to move in together and are now living in a flat, most of the time happily.
But sometimes he goes of and heavy binges of alcohol and sometimes drugs. Last week(end) he had the worse one I have ever seen. He was away for days drinking from morning to night, when I saw him on the 4th day he was absolutely out of it (as expected). It really dawned on me how destructive his behavior is, and he really did not seem to enjoy it, but drank obsessively, with his new "friends", equally passionate about alcohol. Despite having been convinced, during his binge, that we were going to break up, he eventually came back and asked to go to sleep in our bed.
This behavior sometime causes problems, apart from physical and mental damage, he feels anxious after a binge for spending a lot of money, neglecting his studies and it also causes friction between us as it worries me a hugely to not see him for this amount of time (he often sleeps rough or with friends during these sessions). He has been caught drink driving, and after that happened he tried to stop drinking and change his behavior, but soon fell back into the routine. Without this behavior we could do things together, but he is too tired and stressed after his binges and he seems to feel guilty and says that he does not deserve my care and love. But I can see that his destructive behavior isn't a choice but an addiction that he, despite trying, is unable to stop. This is a mad circle, and it is only recently that I have understood and accepted that he might be a periodic alcoholic.
Has anyone got experience from this? I have been trying to not be angry about this, but care for him. I really am not sure how to support him towards accepting his issues. I don't think he is there yet, but I feel relieved to have accepted and understood that he might be suffering from alcoholism.
Can anything be done, I have heard that the alcoholic has to hit the bottom on his own and that no one can be helped that does not want it. I have never lied to cover for him or lent him money to drink and after this has happened I have decided to stop drinking myself, not that I was a particularity heavy drinker myself, but I feel I need to look at the situation with a clear mind. In the past I have often been angry with him, never for drinking, but for the effects of his drinking, like wasting his money, sleeping away, emotionally withdrawing etc.
I hope that there is someone there with a similar story, who can give me some advice/encouragement etc.
Thank you,
Love Elin
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am so sorry you are dealing with this...painful for all. Read the earlier post just even today. Unfortunately your story is much like mine and so many others. Its a problem...progressive too. I always thought my support, love and understanding would change things and kept my EXABF from progressing. It progressed despite anything and everything. Your situation might have a different result and maybe totally different. I hope it is but I might suggest you learn all you can! Read and gain support. This is a wonderful site. Some great people that have likely been there and have knowledge. Take care of yourself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hove
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by choublak 
Welcome to SR, btw.
I'm not sure what you're asking...are you asking if alcoholism is generic and irrepressible?
I'm not sure what you're asking...are you asking if alcoholism is generic and irrepressible?
Thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Right now, his mind is *not* working normally, and there is little you can do to change his behavior - you can only control your own. Don't feed into it, don't think you can debate your way to getting him into recovery, don't neglect yourself in this process, etc. (Basically, don't make the same mistakes I have made!) You can be supportive and encouraging of his good behavior and communicate to him how his bad behavior makes you feel, and if you feel comfortable, start to set boundaries. There are many here who can give much better advice than I can on setting boundaries (still figuring that part out), but in general, make it about *you* and what you you need and what you will accept, rather than making it about him.
Much strength and hugs to you!
Much strength and hugs to you!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
recovering alcoholic here and maybe i can shed a lil light from my experience.
at one time, i may have been able to stop drinking without help or hitting bottom. but the disease of alcoholism progressed in me and i crossed the line where i didnt have comtrol over the choice to drink or not. i was a dr jekyll and mr hyde. i dont recall ever thinkin how i would act when i drank.alcoholism picked that for me. i could be very sweet and loving, but that was rare. mostly i was a very mean. cold hearted SOB and felt terrible in the morning whe i was told what i had done and said.
one time, a long time ago( my son was about 3 and he's 24 now) my sons mom had a talk with me about how my drinking was effecting my relationship with him. it was one of the very few civilized conversations we ever had. i agreed and when we were done said," welp, i gotta go get a 12 pack. need anything???"
i had been told many times that my drinking was a major problem in my life and deep down in me i knew it, but i shoved that further in so i wouldnt believe it. it really didnt matter.when i crossed the line, it didnt matter what anyone said. i was consumed by the craving, compulsion, and obsession to drink.
to me, bottom is death. i didnt get there but was on my way. i had to get desperate. the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality so i stepped off the elevator goin down and got help through AA.
i do believe that a person has to want help before getting help, but i they dont have to get to the point of misery that i did or beyond. i can say, through experience, is the message that can get through to a practicing alcoholic that they have a problem and that there is a solution hits harder when it comes from someone who has walked the road and recovered.
at one time, i may have been able to stop drinking without help or hitting bottom. but the disease of alcoholism progressed in me and i crossed the line where i didnt have comtrol over the choice to drink or not. i was a dr jekyll and mr hyde. i dont recall ever thinkin how i would act when i drank.alcoholism picked that for me. i could be very sweet and loving, but that was rare. mostly i was a very mean. cold hearted SOB and felt terrible in the morning whe i was told what i had done and said.
one time, a long time ago( my son was about 3 and he's 24 now) my sons mom had a talk with me about how my drinking was effecting my relationship with him. it was one of the very few civilized conversations we ever had. i agreed and when we were done said," welp, i gotta go get a 12 pack. need anything???"
i had been told many times that my drinking was a major problem in my life and deep down in me i knew it, but i shoved that further in so i wouldnt believe it. it really didnt matter.when i crossed the line, it didnt matter what anyone said. i was consumed by the craving, compulsion, and obsession to drink.
to me, bottom is death. i didnt get there but was on my way. i had to get desperate. the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality so i stepped off the elevator goin down and got help through AA.
i do believe that a person has to want help before getting help, but i they dont have to get to the point of misery that i did or beyond. i can say, through experience, is the message that can get through to a practicing alcoholic that they have a problem and that there is a solution hits harder when it comes from someone who has walked the road and recovered.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
From my experience with my husband, it's not necessarily progressive. His binges have actually become less frequent over the years, but they still happen and how often doesn't really matter, because every single time does major damage.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Elin, and welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found the right place for support for you. I am glad you stopped drinking, because it will leave you with a clear mind and that will help you make some decisions about what you are going to do.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I have not heard "periodic" alcoholic. He is an alcoholic that drinks (binges) periodically. But that is just semantics. There is a problem with your boyfriends drinking, Drinking to get drunk and not enjoying it anymore is a serious problem.
Sadly, there is not much you can do for him. He has to decide for himself that he is an alcoholic, and then seek his own help. As tomsteve has said, talking to another recovering alcoholic, or group meetings are what helped me, but I had to find my own way.
Elin, now is when you need to put yourself first. If you put all your energy into "helping" him, you could find yourself as sick as him, but your addictive "substance" will be him!
Find some AlAnon meetings for yourself, and get the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I wish you the best on your journey and you can always come here for a reality check, hugs, or just to rant away.
:ghug3
Beth
This is a mad circle, and it is only recently that I have understood and accepted that he might be a periodic alcoholic.
he really did not seem to enjoy it, but drank obsessively.
Sadly, there is not much you can do for him. He has to decide for himself that he is an alcoholic, and then seek his own help. As tomsteve has said, talking to another recovering alcoholic, or group meetings are what helped me, but I had to find my own way.
Elin, now is when you need to put yourself first. If you put all your energy into "helping" him, you could find yourself as sick as him, but your addictive "substance" will be him!
Find some AlAnon meetings for yourself, and get the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I wish you the best on your journey and you can always come here for a reality check, hugs, or just to rant away.
:ghug3
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Hove
Posts: 4
Growing up in Sweden we used to refer to someone who had periods of binges as a periodic alcoholic, sorry if this does not translate to English. I suspect that it is based on someone with manic-depressive mood swings... but sure it's all alcoholism. Thanks for all the kind advice and helping me to understand! xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Elin, I've heard "periodic" used in the US, too. It isn't talked about as much and it can be difficult to find information on it, and also difficult to get a periodic drinker to admit to being an alcoholic because they don't see themselves as having a serious problem if they can go long stretches without drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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My loved one that got me here was a periodic or binge drinker.
The drinking episodes were only occasional, but the "walking on eggshells" and way I felt between binges about his drinking was always yucky (once I realized what they were).
In my experience they were more frequent in times of stress, not necessarily by a year by year basis.
Regardless they impact my ability to take good care of me. It took me a long time to realize that it is not as much about what the other person's drinking looks like, but how it makes you feel.
The drinking episodes were only occasional, but the "walking on eggshells" and way I felt between binges about his drinking was always yucky (once I realized what they were).
In my experience they were more frequent in times of stress, not necessarily by a year by year basis.
Regardless they impact my ability to take good care of me. It took me a long time to realize that it is not as much about what the other person's drinking looks like, but how it makes you feel.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Hello Elin. My ex was like this. We met in Prague and moved to Paris and then New York together. We went to parties together and I would notice that he would go way far out with drugs and alcohol in ways I found frightening. His behavior sounds much like what you describe - obsessive binging, "friends" (often drug dealers or alcoholics/drug addicts who would come over to use). He once took 700 euros for cocaine, ecstasy and alcohol. I can't even imagine what 700 euros of drugs looks like (I was luckily away when that happened, but there and working with him to pay back the dealers he took it from). I watched it go from binging once a month (thereabouts) to once and then two or three times a week.
Your boyfriend will hit bottom at some point and I just hope you are not around for it.
The anxiety problems I incurred in during the course of this relationship I would not wish on anyone.
He also told me he was probably a manic depressive, and that may be true, but he never sought help for that or his addictions. Could you imagine a Diabetic not going for insulin treatments?
So, my advice for you here is - Please do not get sucked into what is HIS journey. If he chooses to get help or not is not YOUR concern. Please tell me you will keep yourself safe. There is no romance in being treated badly.
I personally believe that addictions are born of an extreme desire for escapism. They will avoid reality until they cannot anymore. That will usually be when they have no one around to support their bad behavior any longer.
Think of it this way. If you can get out of his way, you will not only be helping yourself, but you might even be helping him find recovery sooner.
Your boyfriend will hit bottom at some point and I just hope you are not around for it.
The anxiety problems I incurred in during the course of this relationship I would not wish on anyone.
He also told me he was probably a manic depressive, and that may be true, but he never sought help for that or his addictions. Could you imagine a Diabetic not going for insulin treatments?
So, my advice for you here is - Please do not get sucked into what is HIS journey. If he chooses to get help or not is not YOUR concern. Please tell me you will keep yourself safe. There is no romance in being treated badly.
I personally believe that addictions are born of an extreme desire for escapism. They will avoid reality until they cannot anymore. That will usually be when they have no one around to support their bad behavior any longer.
Think of it this way. If you can get out of his way, you will not only be helping yourself, but you might even be helping him find recovery sooner.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
*bump*
My wife is a periodic. She's been drinking as long as I have known her, over 30 years. She was the porcelain goddess in college.
It comes and goes, but in the last 4-5 years it has grown ugly.
I denied it up until last Fall when it showed up face first.
Go to Al Anon. They know stuff and will help.
My wife is a periodic. She's been drinking as long as I have known her, over 30 years. She was the porcelain goddess in college.
It comes and goes, but in the last 4-5 years it has grown ugly.
I denied it up until last Fall when it showed up face first.
Go to Al Anon. They know stuff and will help.
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