Cbos2003

Oh well, here it is!! My soulmate is tearing me apart. I have gotten myself involved with a man that choses to binge drink, stay out for days, sleep on top of bars, under trees or god knows where. He is 40 years old and can justify his drinking and behaviour like a poet. I was having social cocktails with him for about 8 months, and was seeing a pattern of cocktail hour turning into all nighters. When I decided this was not for me, he demanded that I was trying to control him and I was the problem. Of course I began to believe this and tried to change me. Wrong!! I have put my foot down now and he has abruptly moved out. Giving me the same old song and dance " I love you, but I cannot live with you because you want to control me". I am now having a battle in my own mind.. "What did I do wrong?".... I know that I have to move forward, but I do not know how. I wrapped my whole world around him and now I am feeling very lost. I find myself sitting at home, hoping he will come by. This is a state of mourning and I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk without getting angry. Is there anyone that has been in this infant stage of denial, depression...etc. that can steer me quickly. I thought I was a strong woman, but I feel like a piece of crap now.

Impurrfect

(((Cbos))) - I think most of us have been through similar feelings. FWIW, I am a codie and a recovering addict. I turned to drugs to drown out the codie feelings. Fortunately, most people don't go to that extreme.

To me, it is a feeling of mourning..for the loss of a relationship we thought we had, for dreams. I, personally, preferred anger over the sadness but my emotions were on a rollercoaster. When I first found SR, I read a lot of threads here, and found out I was not alone in my feelings, and you aren't either.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Looking4ward

You'e doing the right thing. Vent. Vent. Vent. Surround yourself with as much love as possible. Call as many people as you want who'll listen to you. Go to an al-anon meeting, then collect phone numbers. Don;t worry, everything you're going through is completely normal!

suki44883

It's okay to get angry. You have every right to do so. He, like many alcoholics, go on their merry way and leave us to deal with the path of destruction they wreaked through our lives.

Go ahead and feel whatever feelings come. It's all part of the process. In time, you will feel better and be able to think more clearly. We're here to support you, Cbos, so stick around.

Shadydeal

Once again...I am hearing my own story. Hang in there! It's tough but will get easier. Don't do like I did hanging on! Hoping and truly pray for change that has yet to come. I only did more damage to myself and my XABF It's progressive and only gets worse until they/we do something to change the insanity. I am not which makes me sicker, what he has done to me or what I have allowed! I knew and still know better than crappy way of life. That's not love ....that's not healthily for anyone! That gets me too! We need to count our blessings that we aren't having to live that lifestyle but it's still tough, come here often....it helps.

Cbos2003

Thank you. Your words hit home. I didn't realize until just now that I am "Holding On".
Wow! That is a eye opener. What I am seeing is he has some of my belongings and he tell me, "I will drop them off". I feel like he is trying to keep me on a string and I don't like it. I want to be able to breathe in my own home and not worry about when he is going to come by. He will not let me pick the items up, he has an excuse always why I can't. Feel like I am living in limbo. So I wait.

Shadydeal

I might add that my XABF is the same age and same behavior (sounds like mine even worse). If it helps any....I wish I had walked way yrs ago bc over the last four years things have progressed. The pain is deeper for me and his behavior has gotten worse. The rejection feeling is overwhelming but then no only did I have the binge drinking, losing jobs, he met another women in rehab which had even bigger problems. So many of those disappearing drunk acts were retreating to drink for days w her....how ashamed I am of myself for taking him back and trusting him only to do it over and over! I am/was considered to be smart, strong, successful! Really! Sad part...I though he was different and each time this was it. It's only it when someone is ready! It only gets better when we take charge of making it better. I have a long way to go...I talk better than I practice. I do hope for you that you will read and know your not alone. Take care

Shadydeal

By the way, limbo is tough! I too have lived that for the last 4 years bc it's a roller coaster then you spend ever moment wondering what is next....trust me on this one....it's a repeat!

suki44883

Are these items that you truly need? If so, do you know where he is staying? Can you just drop by with a friend (preferably a large male) and if he is home, tell him that you are there to get your stuff? Just go get it and be done with it, if you can.

If these are things that you can replace relatively easily, maybe you should just do that. In any case, be proactive and don't allow him to keep you tied to him by holding your belongings hostage.

Cbos2003

Wash, rinse, repeat!! Yep, that is what I am seeing. I want to talk to my girlfriends and family more about this, but I know they are soooo tired of hearing about it. I just want to smile, truly smile and laugh again. This mental beat down has made me feel like a stranger in my own life. I don't want to go out and be around friends, because they will ask me where is ****, and I don't want to have the conversation. I just want it to go away. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't see the signs and move on before I got in so deep. Ya know that is the worst part.

Cbos2003

Suki....He has a personal items that I can't replace and they are not where he is staying. He has put them in a storage unit. I wish I could go and get them. When I hound him to bring them to me, he asks like I am intruding on his time and he tells me that he will bring them when he can. I called him again today and left him a message to call me and let me know when he was bringing them and of course he will not call me back.

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here. tossin my drunkin arse outta their lives was the best move any woman i was with ever made. the only one kikin yer arse is you, so throw out the arse kikin machine, pick yer head back up and go do something that makes ya happy. ODAAT.

Shadydeal

Yep, if you are tired it ....peat and repeat you get to a point you want to bury your head! Trust me I do and pretend I am fine. My family would be worried sick about me and how the hell I got to this point in my life. It is embarrassing that you've treated yourself so poorly. But to tomsteve is Right! the best thing we can do for all concerned is "kickem to the curb" and then move forward and go enjoy life! Love or no love....you can rise above or sink bc you won't be changing them! Easier said than done but you've got to try!

Cbos2003

Tomsteve.....toshay!!! Thank you darlin' more than you know.

CeciliaV

Agreed. Unless you really need what he has of yours, I say just let the things go. You can always get more stuff (insert George Carlin's legendary "stuff" comic routine here...if you haven't seen it, do google it, it's hysterical). Your sanity is worth way more than any material things. Maybe even tell him to donate the stuff to charity & take the tax deduction for himself! If it's items you really do need, or items of great sentimental value, do you have a trusted friend or family member that you can send to his place to go get the items for you?

Cyranoak

And please consider revisiting your standards for a "soul mate." Or perhaps the concept of "soul mate" altogether.

Cbos2003

Ok cyranoak, I took our advice.
1. soulmate
A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

Cyranoak

It sure isn't what your posts are describing. It sounds like what people describe after their first hit of heroin or cocaine.

Backing out now. I truly wish you the best.

NYCDoglvr

Oh yes, it's all so familiar. After a lot of hard work on myself the real answer came many months later: I picked him.

Cbos2003

Thank you everyone for opening my eyes to what I was in denial to see. I am feeling so much better now.