Kelltic

Hi,
I've been sober since 5/31...I had a HUGE wakeup call. I could have lost everything - my family, my job - but I got lucky. I don't want to lose everything I love, so no more alcohol. I'm a secret/closet binge drinker. I'll go weeks or months without drinking and then have a disastrous night that leaves me with a huge mess on my hands. I'm tired of waking up wanting to die from a hangover and the knowledge that I acted crazy. I'm tired of trying to hide drinking and lying. I'm tired of having to apologize or avoid people because of the things I said or did while drunk. I have never been a good drinker from the time I had my first drink...I think it's because I have a predisposition to chemical imbalances (depression, PTSD, panic disorder). Whatever the reason, finally admitting that I am an alcoholic has been liberating. I feel free...I don't have to obsess or worry about drinking, because I CAN'T DRINK. EVER. Just wanted to introduce myself...I've seen a lot of good info here. I have a plan (continuing therapy/SSRI). Thanks for reading this...does anyone else relate to the feeling of freedom, along with a good deal of shame?

2granddaughters

Welcome Kelltic:

I got sober and stayed sober in the fellowship of A.A.

I wish you the best on your "road to recovery".


Bob R

Dee74

Welcome Kelltic - good to have you here

I can certainly relate to the freedom...I still feel that...I didn't have the shame for long...I learned very quickly it's today that counts and what we do with it that matters.

Sometimes the best amends is just being who we should have been all along

D

Kelltic

Bob, thank you! I hope to stay sober as well. I have some experience with 12 step groups (I had an eating disorder in my teens). It wasn't for me, and while I don't think it's for me now, I am looking up meetings in the area if I ever feel like I'm in crisis or just want to go. I've been working some of the ideas in the steps and it's been helpful.

Dee 74 - Thanks SO much...I've been carrying a lot of shame for a long time. And I am NOT the person I want to be when I'm drinking.

I really appreciate the feedback. I am not alone but I'm not the best at reaching out.

Dee74

You'll get better at it - lot of support and good ideas here Kelltic

D

freshstart57

Kelltic, I know the feeling you are talking about so very very well. It comes from the absolute certainty that those feelings we all know as addicts, guilt and shame and sadness and anxiety and confusion and depression and on and on, are all gone. Finished. Done with. You never have to do that shift again or feel that way even one more time.

It all comes down to today. This is the day where things happen, when you get the opportunity to be the Kelltic you know and respect. Congratulations to you.

You can find out more about this feeling you are experiencing if you google 'abstinence commitment effect'. I found it very helpful, you might too.

Chrisy

Welcome. Good luck and God Bless you.

Chrisy

Zebra1275

Yes I can relate to the feelings of freedom and also shame.

One thing I also found very powerful when I finally gave up and tried AA, was the fellowship of so many people with alcohol problems. Before I felt alone in my addiction.

MagnifiedStar

Kelltic, the guilt/shame have been constant struggles for me. But everyone is right - commitment and pride in the 'new you' really helps defeat those feelings. Keep it up!

Ranger

Love it! Hold onto that realization like the priceless gift it is, my friend, and you'll be more than OK.

Welcome!

auden67

The guilt and shame help me decrease the positive reinforcement of booze, and the blissful freedom helps strengthen my positive reinforcement and motivation of sobriety. I think about the freedom and it's wonderful benefits ALL DAY. I was motivated and reinforced to drink you a long time, it will take some time to build new learning patterns. So glad you had your Ah Ha! Moment now, not later. Keep the goods thought up! We are here for you.

NewHouse2012

Hi there! Welcome. Best wishes to you. This is a new life for you hopefully. This is the greatest site for support.

sissy07

Welcome to SR!

Kelltic

Thanks everyone...My DENIAL wasn't gone until another binge. Those of you who gently encouraged AA were right. I surrender. I chose a local group and it's turned out to be a great group, diverse, very supportive. I'm going to meetings daily, making calls, and I think I have a temporary sponsor. The shame is still there and I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - I'll feel awful, and at other times, I feel amazing. No matter how hard being sober is, it's a whole lot better than being a drunk in denial.

Tallaxo

Welcome Kelltic. Try writing down and making a list of all the negative attributes and emotions you can about alcohol and how it makes you feel. make sure that the list is exhaustive while the memories and emotions are still strong.

During a recovery, the mind can sometimes protect itself and your memory can become very selective. Anytime you are ever in any doubt why you decided to do this and why you should continue to do this, Go and have a read of your list and reaffirm your intentions.

I have found my own lists to be an invaluable tool in my own recovery. I hope this helps you. Congratulations on your decision to become sober

Jason.

Kelltic

Actually, to clarify, that was a FEW binges, not just one. Gotta stay honest.

I am going to take the suggestion of listing the negative attributes/emotions about alcohol. There are MANY.

Thanks again. I need positive connections more than anything else...they were there all along but I chose not to see them. I still can't believe I'm so excited about AA. It's like suddenly being able to see after years of blindness.

Kelltic

Also, I hit my bottom. I realize it COULD get worse, but I've had enough. I want a better life for myself, my spouse, my kids, my dogs, my family.