Audi

Hi I have posted on here before about a maxed out credit card and I thank you for all your help. I am new to living with alcoholism. My husband has always been a drinker, but has started this horrible downward freefall since March. He doesn’t drink every day of week, is usually sober on weekends, but drinks during the week. He never seems to get hungover either. From reading on here most drink on weekends.. Anyways it’s increasing, he drinks when I leave the house, like to go grocery shopping, or when I work late. He hides everything that he can from me, he lies to me about absolutely everything as well, even silly stupid things that don’t matter. I still know that he drinks, I find evidence everywhere. He just says it is “old”. It’s so hard for me because on the weekends he doesn’t understand why I am upset, he tells me he will never drink again, he doesn’t need it, can stop at any time. And even though I know better, I still hope…

He has always been a beer drinker, like 12 packs of coors light, bud light, whatever cheap crap he can find, but lately has started drinking bottles of wine. I think this is odd since he’s always been strictly a beer drinker. Is it normal to progress from one type of alcohol to another? Is it easier to hide a bottle of wine instead of a 12 pack maybe? I don’t know.

I read on another post, someone said that their abf was out “walking all night”. I had to laugh because mine likes to say this. He likes to disappear at night sometimes. Always a week night. He always says he is “out walking”, but is never where he says he is. He usually comes home within a couple of hours, and he always takes his car to go “walking”. He doesn’t understand why I have a problem with him walking. He will “work late” but not be at work, or be “on his way home from work” and show up two hours later, although he works 5 mins from our house. I sometimes wonder if he is seeing someone else or doing drugs??

This has only really been going on until March. I am at such a loss as to what to do. He has maxed out his personal card, and he has a credit card through his work, works for the government, and has started using this for alcohol too, I suppose. If I try to talk to him about this, he just puts it back on me, that I blame him for all our problems, that I’m so negative all the time, I only look at the bad, and then promises to not drink again. We don’t really have a normal husband wife relationship anymore since I don’t trust anything he says.. It’s just so sad…. Is this just going to get worse?

Anon12

Hi Audi,

It's my ABF who walks all night ... he drinks at weekends though as he knows (until recently) that I would put up with it whereas his employer would fire him. That then got worse this week when he drank on a 'school night' which was a no no before.

He claimed he was walking around thinking and stressed, not drinking and I tried to explain that it was even worse. At least if he was battered, he didn't know he was being inconsiderate. Walking all night to 'think things through' and then sleeping in the car outside our flat but not bothering to tell your girlfriend inside the flat who is out of her mind. That's seriously self centred and sick. He seemed to think being that wrapped up in yourself was better than drinking. Neither is great.

I have wondered about my ABF seeing someone else but I'm not convinced. I think alcohol is his mistress sadly. I too feel sad at the loss of trust that means the last few months haven't been a proper relationship, even though I love him deeply and wish they were. We just didn't get enough time to get over the last episode before he caused another one.

On the switching alcohol, my ABF used to be just wine. Then it became vodka when he tried to hide it. That's when I realised how bad it had got. Not sure why a switch from beer to wine though as both stink when you drink too much...

I am fairly new here but I have noticed with my situation that it has got steadily worse and everything I read and everyone I speak to says the same thing - it's progressive. I hope your situation improves, whatever you choose to do.

dollydo

My exabf would claim to be walking around all night, although that was a lie, he was drinking and doing crack, for him alcohol would not keep him out to all hours of the night, crack would.

marie1960

"sometimes wonder if he is seeing someone else or doing drugs??"

That would be my first thought too.

It really doesn't matter what they choose to drink, the fact remains, they are still drinking.

No trust = no relationship. It defines itself everytime.

Puli50

My xbf did that too, I knew he drank at the time but I did not know about the crack. He would go out for cigarettes and not come back for days! Once he took my moms car and was gone for 4 days. The sleeping in the car in front of the house too. I would deffinatly suspect drug use in addition to the alcohol. The proof I found that it was crack was the tiny pieces of copper chore boy all over the inside of his car.

CeciliaV

Audi, minus the disappearing and credit card maxing, I've been experiencing much of the same with my RAH. He used to usually drink beer or wine or mixed drinks (gin & tonic, STRONG) and he had a soft spot for old scotches. He'd never been a good "controlled" drinker, often drinking too much at parties or family gatherings and often embarrassing himself and me. He once told my mother at a birthday party (combo party for me, my dad, and my niece) that she was a smart arse...hoooooo boy! What a great birthday that was for me. There were many nights when I'd have to guide him home on the 3 block walk from our local bistro, and I dismissed all those signs as him blowing off steam. When he started his spiral, he switched to vodka - more punch in a more easily concealable package. And he did the same thing as your guy - hiding bottles, claiming they're old, drinking when I was out of the house, etc. When I used to work a different position, I worked some later shifts and also worked on Saturdays, and I dreaded what I would come home to - I'd always call when I was on my way home on Saturday afternoons/evenings, and I could always tell when he had been drinking. He'd slur or just say "mmmhmm" a lot, or sometimes he'd have forgotten to hang up the phone on a call earlier in the day and so I wouldn't be able to get through. When I started to work M-F, those weekend binges were only when I would go out for errands, groceries, etc. or he would buy vodka on the way home and drink it on the sly, grabbing swigs when I would leave the room.

If you're concerned about your husband's drinking and how it's escalating and the lack of trust, then it is a problem for you, regardless of whether he feels it's a problem for him. You can try to talk to him honestly about how you're feeling and try to set some boundaries for yourself. You can try to not engage him when he's actively drinking. Just be smart (unlike me) and be sure you're talking to him about these things while he's sober or at least while he's not been recently imbibing - my husband was very good at hiding his drinking, so I'd try to have these discussions with him without knowing he was actively drinking or functionally drunk, and those discussions did NOT go well!

EnglishGarden

It is true that most alcoholic husbands blame their wives for the problems in the marriage. The AA Big Book has some personal stories in it which refer to this. The brain mechanism of alcoholics is one which operates through denial and distortion, as the alcoholic unconsciously attempts to protect his overwhelming desire to drink to oblivion. One way he does this is to place blame on the wife anytime she questions him about his drinking or his behavior, looks at him with worry or disgust or pain, tries to address his use of alcohol, tries to control his use of alcohol, and withdraws emotionally and physically as his condition deteriorates. In the alcoholic's mind, his criticisms of her are completely justified. To accept her fears and worries and emotional withdrawal as justifiable would be to admit that his drinking is the core problem in his life, and all other problems evolve from that. To an alcoholic who loves drinking more than anything else in the world and cannot imagine existing without alcohol, admitting any problems with his drinking feels life-threatening. He would likely rather lose the wife than the bottle. The wife is a thorn in his side, but the bottle removes all pain.

So, yes. If he is an alcoholic, yes, things will get worse. They may remain at the current level, at a kind of plateau for some time, but the alcoholism gets worse, as the alcoholic develops a tolerance for alcohol and has to drink more and more to be able to function at all. As the intake increases over time, his behavior will further deteriorate, as will his relationships.

You will do well to begin your own recovery, through counseling for codependency (all partners of alcoholics are codependent) and through sitting weekly in Al-Anon meetings and listening. Your greatest risk, in marriage to an alcoholic, is a complete loss of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-direction. You are at risk of losing your very self in toxic entanglement with him. He acts, you react. He creates a crisis, you suffer. He makes a problem, you clean it up. He criticizes, you succumb to self-doubt and feeling undesirable and unwanted. These are very serious risks and now is the time to get help so you do not disappear.

tbeit

When I was active I would go walking all night for me it was mental illness. I was using so much it was throwing me into psychosis and the walking was theraputic or so I thought. The walking was really the begining of the end. My wife was going through all the same stuff you are going through. Right about this time she started therapy and started caring for herself once she did this my addicted brain knew if I didnt get help for my problems she was setting herself up to leave. What I'm getting at here is your addicted person is either going to get help or not your only job is to take care of yourself. If its meant to be once they see you getting healthy they will follow

Justfor1

The wine has more alcohol in it than beer. It's easier and faster to catch a buzz. His vanishing act sounds like some sort of drug use also.

Live

will it get worse? YES

Sanity2012

Live is right. Unfortunately it does get worse. And the more you try to make sense of the insanity the more it hurts. Surround yourself with those that will listen to you, but not judge. Put yourself first (for a change). That can be almost as hard as the alcoholic taking that drink.